Spouse unfaithful AFTER your Lap-Band?

[Zannie 6]

My worst fears within marriage have come true…adultery. I'll be banded 6-months next week and have lost 71 of 190 pounds so far. Almost exactly 4-months after my surgery in Feb 2007, when I was down 50 pounds from my highest/surgery weight of 320 & really starting to desire again, my husband of 9-½ years began cheating with a woman who’d recently begun flirting with him at work. (Details, if you want to read them because, apparently, I need to write them: I know the dates are correct & how it started because he allowed me to read the initial e-mails when I asked. She’s our age, recently separated herself, knew he was married with kids (2 & 4) & was still coming on strong via e-mail… He replied no thanks I could never do anything that would jeopardize my marriage or family when she offered sex, but she did not drop it at all. Now, I’m in no way making excuses for the inexcusable, but I have thought he’s been depressed for quite a long while before this & I’m sure he must have been flattered by the unsolicited, persistent attention. 14 days after the 1st e-mail they kissed; by 16 days of it, he’d become unfaithful for the 1st time in his life -- a “strictly sex” cheater, not using protection. And, well…there’s nothing you can do to erase from your marriage sex with someone other than your spouse. She worked in a different department & was fired for unrelated (& unknown to me) reasons about a week after the sex started. I guess he thought it would end with that, but couldn’t stop thinking about her. She stayed in touch with him & he convinced himself that it must be love if he felt that desperate about loosing this homewrecker, uh, I mean woman. The adultery became “an affair” worthy of the word obsession. He started cashing parts of his paycheck so there’d be no paper trail, bought a “for her” pre-paid cell phone, began “having really busy days” at work to explain not being at his desk & coming home late, taking extended lunches to see her, going to her before work, leaving home to run errands that were convenient excuses to see her, skipping out on family plans, completely detaching from me and from our kids, stopped paying the bills, mowing the lawn or doing anything at all for the house… I guess these are the usual things, but to me they were terrifying & I was very suspicious!About a month into it, after a discussion about plans for my birthday deteriorated into him saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore, I called him on my suspicions. He denied adultery, but was late from work by over an hour the next night & I would not be put off any longer.) After I forced him to admit to the infidelity which went from mid-June right through July, he told me he wasn’t sure what to do – who he wanted to be with more. Trying to keep what I believed was/is his untreated depression in mind, and loving him more than I can ever say, I asked (okay, begged might not be too strong a word) him to choose us. We’ve invested over half of our lives in this relationship (started dating in high school 16 years ago & until now were each other’s only sexual partners); surely it isn’t over after a month & a half of sex with someone else! He said he didn’t want to leave, but didn’t know if he could stay. And by the end of the night he agreed to at least see a marriage counselor once. He saw the counselor alone & then we saw her together. The meeting seemed completely ineffective – nothing new said by either of us, and no tools to help us make it to the other side of this with our marriage in tact. But she did say he’s clinically depressed & he agreed to address that with additional, individual therapy. Later that night, he said that he was still very confused, but he wanted to stay with me & try working things out with marriage counseling. So at least I’ve got something to hold on to, but…

Here’s the thing… more than that my husband is/was screwing someone else (which I have plenty of issue with! :yell::censored::yell:), I have always feared that he withdrew from our sex life (which has been lacking of late & non-existent since my Banding 6 months ago) because I became too fat to be found attractive anymore. That his love for me would prove subjective & conditional even after all we’ve been to & meant for each other. (In fact, my 1st post at LBT was about that very thing.) Now, not only do I have that fear staring me in the face, but am forced to add to it that he’s been f*cking with great abandon a very thin woman who shares not one of my physical features! It’s all so new & so very raw… I don’t know how to go on, but I don’t want to give up on 16 years of being in love with my best friend, the father of my children, the only man I have ever loved!!! Despite this sickening, hurtful thing he's done to me, he really has always been a wonderful person and I can't give up hope yet that he still is...

I know the divorce rate for WLS patients is said to be something like 80%… I just never imagined that I’d be part of that statistic! Are there a lot of people in my situation – a faithful husband who starts to cheat only after huge changes have been made to improve the life, health, and appearance of his wife? Or is it that the WLS patient decides that a new life means new everything, spouse included?!? How can this be happening…? I’m so hurt and angry…and feel abandoned by the very person who vowed to love me forever, even if he has decided to try marriage counseling!!! And what do I do now to reconcile my own, pre-existing now reinforced insecurities about my appearance with the new realties of a marriage facing infidelity? I know this is a long & bumpy path I’ve chosen to take by giving him a 2nd chance, what I can’t figure out is what to do next!?!

Zannie

320-BMI 58.5/249 @ nearly 6-months/130-BMI 24

[Kat817 19]

Oh Zannie, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. Nothing hurts the same as the hurt you are feeling now. I have been in your shoes, I know the pain.

Many things jump out of your heartfelt post. One of them being that neither of you had ever been with anyone before---so I am doubly sure this has really appealled to him on that level too.

Another thing, was that with his depression, and your uncertainty over yourself, quite possibly her bold go get 'em attitude, and upbeat, come ons to him, were as likely what truly attracted him as opposed to what her body type or hair color or anything else are. I know right now you are crushed, but I would suggest not showing that side of myself as much as possible.

As for the woman not sharing any characteristics with you, I read back when I was dealing with this, that men choose that because the guilt is too strong when the person looks like their spouse. My former husband was the same way, we were nothing alike, looks, attitude, and most importantly morally.

My marriage did not make it. We stayed together for several months, and he too told me he just couldn't choose, it was like apples and oranges he said, we were both so different, he wanted us both. Well that was not an option! Then his gf ended up pregnant! I could not deal with it, in my face everyday. I tried, I was losing my mind I thought! Eventually, I made the choice to move on, with our daughter. He never did change, he was with the woman he was caught cheating with on me (come to find out there were others) for several years, but he cheated on her all the time as well. He has since divorced her and 2 others since her...cheated on them all.

The problems in you marriage may have been brought to light with your banding, him knowing that you would be changing, may have scared him...but we all know there are better ways to handle that!

I would suggest to you that at this point, since you truly want to be able to move on from this, and it CAN be done, many do it, would be to insist on the counseling, and if this counselor is not effective, find another. Try to remain upbeat, to remind him, but also to remind yourself, of the person you were when you fell in love in the begining. You need the reminder, that even if it is a concious choice YOU deserve to be happy---and a big part of happiness is by choice.

If you truly choose to give him a 2nd chance, throwing it in his face at every arguement, and feeling like he owes you is not an option. You cannot forgive a person sins, only to serve them up at Breakfast again the next morning. If you don't put it behind you it will never be behind you. Leave the serious discussing it for now maybe with the counselor. Find some things to enjoy together. Spend time as a family---remind him he is a Father right here at home, without saying the words, if that makes sense.

And finally, before you move to respark your own sex life with him, insist he be tested, since his affair was without protection, with a woman who sought him out knowing he was a married father. He likely is not the only one.

Good Luck Zannie, I will be thinking of you, and will say a prayer for your heartache to be eased. ((((((big hug)))))

Kat

[beachgirl 2]

I'm sending you a big hug. I've been married for 25 years to the only guy I ever dated and we're going through some similar things. He's going through midlife crisis and it is rough. Bought the streetbike, new pickup truck, new clothes, new hairstyle, new glasses, you name it. Then, the cell phone bills of him talking to a 30 yr. old up to 10 times a day. He was calling her and she was calling him and he's 44. We have a 22 yr.old and a 20 yr. old and she has a 8 yr. old and 6 yr. old. It's rough and it's hard on your nerves but we're working on things.

Keep up the faith and stay strong and we're all here for you.

Hugs,

[ja9va 0]

Suzanne, I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been given great advise. How are you doing today? Is your dh with you and are you in counseling?

I don't think it has anything to do with your band either, but timing. He may have been a bit selfish thinking it was all about " you" now and then was given this attention at the office.

One of the main things to remember that it is very important to take care of YOU! Keep on the "band wagon" and keep your goals at the front of your plan. This will make you stronger for yourself and for your kids.

I was married to my first husband that I met in college for 18 years. I wish I had the strength to divorce him when my boys were your kids age. Because when I finally got the courage, they were pre teens and it impacted them A LOT. I feel that they heard and felt the stress in the home which impacted their trust and anxiety.

Marriage does not have the same road map for everyone. In my situation, my x dh was an alcoholic. If he was not verbally abusive or sick, I may have stayed. We had been through counseling but if he could not give up drinking, then it was worthless. But my advise to others with children is to try to work it out with counseling, anti-depressents, what ever it takes. I think it is important to try when you have children and have been good together for so long. If you give it your all and it still does not work, then I support leaving.

If your dh will not go to counseling( and find the right one, which is hard) and won't give up the gf, then I agree that it is over. An affair within itself does not have to end the relationship, but you do have to put it behind you and not bring it up at every fight, which I am sure is hard.

I have a good friend who had older children, maybe college and high school and her husband of 20 plus years cheated. She was devastated. He truly hurt her, like your dh hurt you. Like you, they had been together since HS. They are together, 10 years later and are very strong. When I look at them now when we are out, I can't beleive they went through that, because they are so in love.

I told you that story because it can happen if the love is there and the "want".

As you lose your wieght you will become more and more emotionally stronger and you will feel the energy and postive parts of your life. You are GREAT:clap2:.

Keep in touch.

[thisway 0]

oh Zannie i feel for you honey! my husband of 18 years cheated way before my lapband. and i did divorce him and he mover that w@#%* in to my house afew weeks later. But what goes around comes around. I own my busniess and hubby works for me at our job we are gone for days at a time. And after 7 or 8 months of him saying he wanted me back and her calling me time and time again to say was i ok with them being together and that they loved each other so much...I (hehe) started sleeping with him(i did still love him) and call her and told her to move out of my house cuz baby girl momma coming home...lol, moved that whor# out and married him back after 8 months of divorce and now we are soooooo happy...you should seen the look on her face! but now that i have had my band he loves me just the same. just wish he told me more how i look...good luck your day will come 2.....:whoo:

[Kat817 19]

Zannie, I have been thinking about you with all this going on...

I also wanted to suggest, that you see a therapist on your own. Yes see the marriage counselor, without a doubt, but see someone on your own as well. Let them help you to remain strong in this. It will give you a place to say all the things you lie awake at night and think about. YOU need to take care of YOU, so you can be strong for your kids. Having us to vent to is wonderful, and we are more than willing to be a sounding board...but there are things you need to SAY---get the anger and hurt out of your system. Hear the words coming out of your own mouth---sometimes when you hear them they shock you! Nothing you say is going to hurt the therapist. If you say it to your sister for instance, she is not going to ever get past that to deal with your DH---she will hurt for you. Not so with a therapist. I urge to you find someone to work through this with. He needs to be aware that you are doing so, not just going to lay back and pretend it never happen.

My first husband was a cheater, as I said before. People expect you to be angry as hell, and not have any other emotion. And you DO. In many ways it is like dealing with death, there are a range of emotions you go through. It IS a death, the death of what you thought your marriage was. You still have a marriage, it is just not how you imagined it was. You will go through the anger, and hurt, and even denial, and self blame....I hope you have someone to help you through that so you don't allow that to happen, you did nothing to deserve this. If he didn't like the weight, or the marriage for whatever reason, he should have got out, then found another woman...this is his wrong, let him accept it.

Please check in with us, and let us know you are ok. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine too, just let us know you are alright!

Kat

[sharon2u 0]

Hi Girls

You know I ahve not been banded yet, but it is coming real soon, however I discussed this with my husband about him not wanting me after surgery because of somone else, he told me that there was no one and that there will never be no one and how he knows that neither one of us will ever cheat for if we were going to do that it would have started before now. I have told him that I will not give up my home if this ever happens and if he wants to remain in the home he can do so on the other side of the house and not in our bedroom and if he should find the need for some tramp well she is just going to have to get used to seeing my face becuase this was and is my home and this was and is my life and after all my years of workign my knuckles to the bone no woman willever take that from me.

[ja9va 0]

suzanne, I agree with Kat, when I suggested taking care of yourself, I agree with Kat, getting your own therapist/counselor, will allow the private, one on one time, for you to vent and deal with your own feelings.

You always can vent to us, but a professional would be outstanding to you!!!

[BJean 16]

zannie: There is more than one reason that a guy cheats. But most of them all begin and end with him. I can't be as sure as someone else here who posted that you've done nothing wrong. We only know what you have told us. But I would imagine that it is a problem within your husband. You mentioned clinical depression. If he is clinically depressed, you can be sure that his self-esteem is in the basement. Having a woman (any woman, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty) pay attention to him and tell him what a great and wonderful guy he is, may be just what he needs to get him through the day. The point is, it is a problem that he is having that has much more to do with him and his head than it does with some other woman "luring" him away.

My BIL had an affair after 34 years of complete fidelity to my sister. He had just had a heart attack and was thinking he was going to die without ever having had very much excitement or fun. (They got married just out of college and they were both virgins when they got married.)

Well, my sister was totally blindsided. She had no idea that he ever thought about anyone else as he appeared to be totally devoted to both her and their kids, as well as to their marriage vows. All it took was a gal from his high school reunion committee flirting with him at a time when he was so vulnerable and scared after the heart attack, for him to go completely berserk and have a hot and heavy romance with her and demand a divorce.

My sister was so hurt that she decided that she didn't want anybody who didn't want her and by gosh she was going to take him for every penny and leave him in the dust. Which she did. Only to decide a few very, very lonely months later that she was very sorry that she reacted in a rash way instead of thinking of her real needs and figuring out how to save her marriage. After she said so many ugly things and did so much to hurt him back, her marriage was never going to be saved or repaired. That was over 10 years ago and she is still very sad and still misses her "best friend" to this day. Her kids, of course, took her side and now they have very little interaction with their father either. That's hardly fair to them since they are missing out on having the male parental love in their lives that they once enjoyed so much.

I'm not condoning his behavior. I am just saying that people are easily damaged but the damage can be healed and you actually can have what one person earlier said... a better relationship than ever because you are really communicating and sharing everything with each other after working through something like that.

I guess I'm suggesting that you just not make life-changing decisions when the pain is so fresh. Please just remember that your husband is having a major crisis in his life and it could be that he needs you, and your support, more than ever.

Kat gave excellent advice when she said that you need to be strong for yourself. Look out for yourself. Get help for yourself. Once you are healthy and strong enough, then maybe you'll be able to help your husband through whatever crisis and upheaval he's feeling inside.

[Zannie 6]

Thanks...y'all are great! I'm so lucky to have LBT, through this surgery, and now...

My husband is living at home, but just last night (when I asked) said he still "misses" the other woman. We're seeing a therapist -- both of us individually and as a couple & he's started anti-depressants. I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel like I couldn't respect myself if I didn't do everything I can to save my marriage. And I don't know how my kids could respect me (in the future) or how I handled our lives if I just kicked their father out without trying. (Oh, and I would NEVER leave my house without a court order. No frickin' way!!! This is the house of our marriage; if he wants out of our marriage then he can leave the house. I will not have my children uprooted because their father can't keep it in his pants. Plus, he who leaves looses the house -- and I'm staying put. Um, but I don't have any strong opinions on that subject. :heh:) Remember, he is generally speaking one of the "good guys" with the exception of all this... I am not trapped in an abusive marriage where either myself or my kids are in physical danger. He doesn't drink or do drugs, and he's never hit me or them. We've been "best friends" starting in high school, and always had that friendship as the basis of our romantic relationship. It feels so very...unreal to have lost both my husband and my best friend in the same fell swoop!

I feel a lot like I'm watching a movie...a bad movie. I'm numb so much of the time, and then oscillate from extreme anger (Gallagher-esque in need of a watermelon or something else to smash!) to extreme despair (never would have guessed I'd be a hyperventilater!). I settle at numb for most of the day, I know that is for the best with the kids around. But these other extremes need venting, too! And, even if it isn't my fault, I can't help but blame myself, too....like I've somehow driven him into her arms with the humdrum rhythm of life with 2 kids and a wife who's let herself become no one's definition of sexy, not even her own.

Maybe it would be better if he moved out -- at least for the short term. Things are so much so "still the same" here at home. We've always gotten along just fine. We've always fought about the normal things, but full-blown battles are rare... The sex is kaput (but has been since I was banded anyhow, so even that isn't new new), but we're still sharing a bed. I almost feel like (protected) make-up sex would put us back on the right track!!! (But then, see, for some reason I just can't shake the whole "that penis in another vagina" bit...!!!! Damn it, we were virgins together & had never been with anyone else!!! How will I ever compare to her sexually?!? See? Yeah, um, I have all sorts of major issues with the whole sex with someone else thing. How do you get over that????? I'm hoping therapy will help with THAT on my end.) But otherwise things seem kinda almost normal at home. Maybe if he moved in with my brother -- got some space from all parties or something like that. The need for change in one way or another would become more apparent if everything wasn't so comfortable at home. I mean, it's not like there's much cause for MISSING ME right now either, because I'M STILL HERE! Ya know...? Oh, but that is a calculated risk that he would miss me/us more than her -- and that he wouldn't pull a Ross (we were ON A BREAK) while we weren't under the same roof. I don't know what to do... But I will be talking to the counselor on Wednesday, so hopefully clarity will come. And sooner rather than later...

Again, thanks to all of you for your continued support. It means so much to know that y'all - virtual strangers to me - are here! And I value your advice & role as a sounding board more than I can say!!

Zannie

[beachgirl 2]

Noone knows this about us but I'm going to tell you so you won't think your all alone on this. My husband's first affair was 14 yrs. ago. Our children were 5 and 3. We had just built our first home and it was the first on in this subdivision that today the cheapest home in there is 350,000.00 and at the time we just gave 99,000.00 for it. Anyways,

I would drive home on weekends to see my family that were 1 1/2 hours away and take the kids. I never noticed him acting different and he was a meat Market Manager for a large corporation and I was small, had a good sex life, beautiful home and a dog, lol. We sold that house a year later and moved back home. One night at 3:00am our phone rang and it was a man. He was furious. He said your husband had an affair with my wife and I just found out about it and if I could get my hands on him I would kill him. My world fell apart. I didn't leave him. He is the only guy I've ever dated and we were childhood sweethearts. We worked through it and he had the gawl to tell me that they got drunk at her swimming pool party while I was at home with the kids at my parents. He took her to my new home, had sex with her 5 times and she spent the night. Now we have a good sex life but we've never had sex in the shower and he said we also had sex on the couch, in the great room floor, and in our bed. I just couldn't believe it. Never wanted sex in the shower with me.

That being said, we have been through a lot. Still married after 25 yrs. and going through something similar now. I guess what I am trying to say is there is alot of that that goes on and it's nothing you've done wrong. I think men just wander sometimes or at least some of them. Don't blame yourself, take care of yourself and your kids. I'm still with mine and we'll see how things go. I wish you the very best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep me informed on how your doing.

Hugs,

Sherri Jo

[BJean 16]

Sherri Jo: I will keep YOU in my thoughts and prayers!

[Lap_dancer 8]

Hi Zannie:

There are some things the others said I'd like to point to first. This from Kat:

" his depression, and your uncertainty over yourself, quite possibly her bold go get 'em attitude, and upbeat, come ons to him, were as likely what truly attracted him as opposed to what her body type or hair color or anything else are" and then this golden nugget of thought... "The problems in you marriage may have been brought to light with your banding, him knowing that you would be changing, may have scared him...but we all know there are better ways to handle that!" and from BJean:

"I guess I'm suggesting that you just not make life-changing decisions when the pain is so fresh. Please just remember that your husband is having a major crisis in his life and it could be that he needs you, and your support, more than ever."

These are some great thoughts.

I have been cheated on. And it was my own cousin who banged my husband in my bed, on my washing machine, on our boat, all the while I was nursing my 6 month old first born child. I was clueless, had no idea my cousin ( who I took in as a favor to my aunt and uncle ) was boinking my husband! I didn't find out until two years after the fact when she had moved out, was long gone, and my husband was born again as a Christian. He decided part of his repentance was to make remedy this dark secret that would risk the distruction of his marriage. It didn't. If this were me, here would be my thoughts about this situation.

My husband thought that having a younger, fit, slender, blonde haired blue eyed opposite of me person would put more hair on his chest but the truth was, sex with my cousin had no emotional connection that he had developed with me through years of life history together, memories, and sharing the creation of two lives together...our son and daughter.

You have to balance what you have with your spouse to breaking it off. Do you believe your two children would be better off exposed to the direction and guidance of their father? Is he otherwise a good man? ( I mean before this broad came along?)

Right now your husband is only seeing life as he knew it when he was single. Girlfriend, no kids, less responsibilities la la la la. That's well and good but once that becomes a full time situation and he LIVES with this person day in and day out that is when the warts and fangs start coming out. Trust me.

Women can be vicious. Some women see men as a cash cow to offer a stipend to their rent and bills. They will put up with crap so they don't have to be responsible for a household 100% by themselves.

I have always held that if my husband thinks it is better on the other side of the fence, go for it but be sure and leave me the house to raise our children in, I will need lawn service because I don't mow grass, I'm busy with my children, and I also need a stipend to pay the bills ($dollar figure) plus gas money, insurance,

and so forth. This is strictly a business arrangement when it comes to the children and raising them. If he thinks SEX is that important that he is willing to abandon his family, I can't say I would want him around. My response to my husband was that at the time he fooled around, it was the worse time in our marriage and frankly, if not him then it could have been me. I forgave and moved on.

This is 2007. If he has had unprotected sex with this woman, you need to go to the doctor and have yourself tested for all Sexually tranmitted diseases and specifically HIV and HPV. It's not like it use to be where we could just play around. There is some nasty shite floating around there so number one is your health.

He is a grown man and his life decisions are what they are. I would suggest that you find another counselor since it didn't sound like the one you saw clicked with you. I've gone through five. Counseling is a long process that takes sometimes going through a few or switching out therapists because you don't click or you outgrow your current therapist.

Take things slow. You have two wonderful children. It's summer. go to the park with them and start thinking of things you can do together as a family. The dynamics may change.

**and sister I would not beg a man to stay with me for love or money. Grow some steel ovaries, take some of my female pride I'm blowing your way for you and know that no man is worth living with when they don't want to be there. You and your children deserve a better life than that.**

Keep us posted!

[Zannie 6]

Yeah, um ................... she's pregnant.

Numb, numb, numb...........

[Kat817 19]

Been there done that....have the divorce to prove it. We...make that I tried. In fact he got out of my bed, and went to the hospital when his son was born! But somewhere in the next 2 days reality struck me to what my life was going to be like from then on out. Not only was this child going to be part of it, so was his mother.

When he left to take them back to their house from the hospital, he come home to find his things packed and on the porch.

While the emotion, the true hurt, and feelings of betrayal were fresh, I wrote a letter to our year old daughter, for her to be given if ever she ask me WHY didn't I try? The letter remains to this day in the bottom of my hope chest. There have been numerous opportunities to toss it out, she never questioned how I lived my life...but I kept it, hoping to never need it, but who is to say at some point she won't be in your shoes, and reading about Mom surviving it, might help, so it is still buried away.

I understand your need to give your marriage every chance. I respect that. Just don't forget who is #1 in this situation, and that is YOU!!! Not even your children!!! YOU!!! YOU will make sure those children are cared for, and you will find a way of letting them know about why you divorced, without throwing blame and accusations. You will do that because you love your children. If you stay together through this pregnancy, you will still have to take care of YOU first, because there is going to be a child, and there will always be something going on, your children WILL be aware of it. YOU need to take care of YOU so that you will have the strength to take care of them. Put very plainly to hell with him right now, let him worry about his mental well being. Let him see his therapist, and get started on his mood elevators....this latest is his doing, and his doing only, let him figure out how to cope!!!

I am living proof that life goes on...and gets better! My DD loves her half brother, and the 5 children he went on to father after that!!! He continues to cheat, and hop from yard to yard, trying to find that greener grass...he has never figured out, you gotta stick around and Water the grass at home and it gets greener!

I am sorry you are going through this, I remember it quite well. It was devastating. I can tell you where I was, what I was doing...when he dropped the bombshell, that she was pregnant. I thought things couldn't get worse...and truly they did not! I moped, and alternated with fear, and hurt, and disbelief, and finally--true blessed, red hot ANGER! And the anger got me through it!!! I had enough love for my child not to let her see it...but I was pissed finally, and that gave me the backbone I needed to see me through the ordeal.

Ironically, we too were high school sweethearts, and that was the big "excuse" for being caught cheating, was he never got to sow any wild oats, he never dated around, or slept with other women, etc. Well he jumped from the frying pan into the fire, and went from one tied down relationship to another---and I was the one then out on the town, dating, having good times!!! He hated that---I had the life he wanted!

Hang in there---hugs go out to you, this is not easy, but it IS survivable...I am proof!

Kat