BAM....and there it is.

[gowalking 10,790]

Like many others, I have gained and lost weight over and over again. Self sabotage is a well known behavior for sure. But now I can see where some of it comes from. My dad, who never gave me the unconditional love and acceptance all children crave and need, asked me yesterday if I 'found' the 12 lbs. my boyfriend lost.

It's something I know I should ignore, but I happen to be struggling right now and it's like he knows it....even though I've not said a word to him. I am just about those 12lbs. over what I'd like to get back down to and somehow, he knew that and called me out on it. Now I know he really didn't know I put a few back on and am actively working on taking them off. You can't see any gain in pictures. I know because I posted a side by side yesterday of my grandson when he was born, and for his one year birthday this past Saturday. But my dad....he just knows how to push my buttons. And I let him do it. I actually gave him hard numbers when he asked what I weighed at my lowest and what I weigh now. It's none of his damn business..and yet I told him anyway. And then I started stammering when trying to defend myself. He goes on to ask me if my clothes were tight and I'm thinking, why am I even having this conversation with the man? He's so unaware of what those comments do to me. All he has to do though is look at his other daughter, who is still obese. There's a reason why his girls at one time, were both 'Two Ton Tessies' as we were once called.

I'll have to follow my own advice I give to those out there with this type of issue....let the comments roll off my back, and just do what I have to do. I'm going for a fill on Thursday and hoping that will help. I swear....I hate him sometimes and I wish I could tell him how this stuff is none of his business. This is so my father's MO....praise first.....so I get my guard down...and then a slap as he's walking away, just to make sure I don't get too confident and happy with myself.

OK, I'm done with the rant. Thanks for listening, my virtual friends out there...

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@gowalking -- Well that was rude and mean. And vicariously pisses me off. I think I'm channeling some old scripts with my ex. She knew my old wounds and could reopen them faster than anyone else. Thankfully she is so far out of my life that her aim is completely off.

[sharkgirl 251]

I'm very sorry he is so cruel to you with his words. As for the weight gain, you got this! You know what needs to be done and don't let his lack of support effect you.

[kranky813 477]

I was once asked a question that I had a really hard time answering and I am going to ask you the same question now.

Why do you allow toxic people into your life?

I have a very toxic mother who seems very similar to your father. The only thing I can recommend to you is to keep him at an arms distance. I was very affected by my mother for a very long time and one day after a friend asked me that question I took a lot of time to really think about my relationship and realize that it caused more harm than good in my life.

Yes, I love my mother and she will always be my mother but that doesn't mean that I have to let her hurt me or make me feel the way she has the majority of my life. I am an adult and I am in control of the things in my life... not her. So I keep her distanced from me. I call her once every other week to chat. I make sure that I have some sort of plans so I have to get off of the phone in 15 minutes and I mostly let her talk.

Might be worth a try.

[jane13 2,256]

@@gowalking - my mom was like that. I dealt with comments like that when I was PG. She has passed away but when someone does something like that my blood boils and I say exactly what I DIDN'T say to her.

"Its really none of your business, bless your heart" and then the infamous " if you can't say nothing nice then keep your mouth shut".

Jane

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Wait a minute.......you are a grandma and you dad's comments are still throwing you for a loop? Yeah, you gotta let it roll off and let him know that you are not going to discuss your weight or health - period. Now what else do you want to talk about, Dad.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

Seeking the correct tilt so that it rolls off one's back is one way to cope. On your behalf, though, I want to take a quiet, matter-of-fact tone to confront your father with his conduct. "Dad, you take such pleasure in undermining [demeaning...belittling...thwarting...et al.] me. You're a master." "Do you think you could belittle me just a little less?" "Do you think you can be a little less hateful?" With so many possibilities, it's hard to choose.

It's common for a parent to adopt the behavior of his own parent, but it doesn't mean he has no accountability. Dementia is an excuse. I can't think of any others at the moment.

Grrr.

[Tssiemer1 549]

Well. I mean. He's her dad. I get it. My dad makes fat jokes ALL the time but he and my sister is way bigger than me. But she's daddies little girl. I was Papa's (my late grandfather on my mother's side) little girl.

It's whatever. I learned if I was even 75 lbs he'd still make the jokes. So I don't let it bother me anymore. At least we're doing something about it.

Just put that in your f&@k-it bucket.

[mngreeneyes 674]

Parents are so hard. I love mine, but they have their moments. I try to remember with mine that they don't realize that they are being unhelpful. They know what they learned and unless I am willing to reteach them, they will never realize how hurtful the things they say can be. I almost didn't tell them about the surgery beforehand because I was afraid of their reaction. My friends convinced me that it might damage our relationship if I didn't. Now I'm glad I did.

I spent the first two weeks after surgery with my parents and beforehand talked to my mom about reining in Dad while I was there. I believe he means well, but just doesn't know how to "help". I read on here about the mood swings and warned Mom that they were a possibility and that Dad's comments were likely going to be taken worse than normal. Mom knew exactly what I meant and promised to help. As it was, Dad was on good behavior and I didn't have the mood swings, but I'm glad I made the attempt.

I just try to remember that my dad is coming from a place of love, even if it is a misguided place.

pam

[careya123 260]

Can you move to the other side of the country?

No advice from me, just wishes for a better relationship with your father. Hugs.

[needtorecover 574]

Dang, your dad has some issues Try to remind yourself that they're HIS issues, not yours. Your weight loss is a huge accomplishment even if you regained 12 pounds. Some people feel good when they tear others down. It's really unfortunate that your father would say that to you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

its funny how we as mature adults still seem to crave "validation"

I feel a little cruddy because I am about 2# over goal and I want to be about 10# under goal. I am not fat,but I am not thin, but my fitted tops are snug and I hate that stuffed into my clothes feeling. Well, Friday I went out dancing with my boyfriend and a crowd of pals.... and one of his close friends (a woman) said to me "you know you are just so beautiful, and have perfect hair and skin... what do you see in M?" (it was a joke, and he didn't hear the conversation). As M and i were leaving, he said to me matter of factly "you were the best looking woman there all night."

So, what struck me is how that little bit of unsolicited compliment made me feel so much better about the fact that I had to think hard about what to wear so I wouldn't look all muffin toppy. It made me appreciative of my good health and happy life because of course I do believe that is where most of the "good looks" come from.

So, the only advice I have is to put more brainpower in the pictures that show you really DON'T look different. More of your mental energy into how successful you are! De-emphasize that negative inner voice (my dad has been dead for decades and i STILL hear his criticisms of how fat and ugly I am if I let the tapes play). Truth of the matter - our mutual 12# don't matter a damn bit to anyone but ourselves. Your dad just knows how to push those buttons is all!

[LisaLouBop 181]

@@gowalking

THIS exactly!!!!!

You could be me. Or, I could be you. He's so darn hurtful and yet I kept doing the same thing,

I finally told dear old dad that I had WLS, he asked me how much I weighed when I started. So of course, stupid me, I told him. He said wow - you were a real cow weren't ya? Groan, why did I fall for it again? The man is 82 years old, has always been and will always be a narcissistic misogynist.

And so there he is, living 500 miles away from me asking my brothers why doesn't she ever call me? BAM...and there it is.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

I am very sorry your father treats you like that.

Try to talk to him one on one and explain how those "jokes" (I hope they aren't intended deliberately) hurt you deeply.

If he can't respect that, then maybe minimize your conversations with him and keep them very vanilla until he gets a clue that something is wrong.

Unfortunately, we can't pick and choose our parents.

Sending a couple of smiles your way to cheer you up.

Edited April 25, 2016 by 4MRB4PHOTO

[FrankyG 1,450]

I've had extensive counseling to deal with parent/inlaw issues and currently the husband's parents are cut off and may make that permanent.

Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated poorly. Blood is NOT an excuse to put up with being a doormat.

One of my counselors said something I still use to this day: "Of course your parents know how to push your buttons - they're the ones that installed them!"

Stop giving your father information with which to use against you. Either use humor "I've lost so much I actually don't register on the scale any more so I have no idea how much I weigh!" or shut them down flat "I'm not talking about that any more because it makes me uncomfortable." and change the subject.

And he gets a warning, then you remove yourself from the situation if he can't stop. So first you'd need to tell him that you no longer want to hear him criticize your weight or make mean comments about your appearance, and if he does, you will call him on it and may leave or cut the conversation off. If he does it anyway, then say something like "Dad, that was a very hurtful comment, and I don't think I want to talk to you any more. I'll check in with you/visit with you later." Then leave, or hang up the phone. It teaches them that if they want to have a relationship with you, they have to be nice to you. And you gain confidence by standing up for yourself and leaving/hanging up when someone treats you poorly.

None of this is mean-spirited and should not be said with any anger or venom towards the other person, just calmly being assertive and telling people how you want to be treated. And then following through.