Must decide ASAP if I am going to tell my mom or not!

[Annie_Oakley 4]

I am a married adult with a college age daughter so why am I afraid to tell my mom that I am having Gastric Sleeve surgery next week (April 27^th)? I love her dearly but she can be overbearing and I know she will try to tell me what a mistake this is, why would I permanently change my body, can’t I just do this by eating less and exercising more? But I feel so guilty for not telling her and I don’t know how I could possibly keep it a secret going forward. She is the mother who handed me two Cookies, one for each hand, when I was crying as a child. She thinks that food fixes everything and it is a central part of any get-together. (Obviously part of my problem!) Mother’s day is coming and we usually go out and do something that ends with dinner. I will be drinking shakes at that time so that will be obvious. What to do, what to do?

I saw a letter on this site somewhere that the person said could be used as a template for others that laid it out pretty well as to why they were having the surgery etc. but for the life of me I can’t find it. Anybody know where I might find that?

[Ashoryb 52]

I don't know about the letter but I wpuld like to share with you that I was in a similar situation. I was so afraid to tell my parents. 32 years old with a hubby and child of my own but I just knew they would be against it and try and say I was taking the easy way.

I finally decided to tell them and they were so supportive. That's very unusual because my family is judgy. They have really been very interested in my whole process now and are looking forward to me getting healthy. I truly believe that as your parents she will be much more receptive then you may think. I sure was surprised. Congrats on your journey !!

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[Elode 8,093]

@@Annie_Oakley If it's going to cause you emotional distress telling her this close to surgery then don't! If you're going to go through with it regardless of what she will say they tell her later. No point in you both being all upset.

[Valentina 2,642]

​"She is the mother who handed me two Cookies, one for each hand, when I was crying as a child".

Was that really about "cookies"? Of course not. That woman loves YOU. You know that---I know you do from the words you wrote.

How hurt do you think she will be when she does find out--and she will.

If you are truly committed to having WLS, nothing anyone could say will sway you from having the surgery. You probably will be able to calm any of their fears.

Reach down within yourself and pull the words from your heart. You will find them from within yourself.

She's your mother and she loves you. She deserves your trust now just as much as you deserve hers.

All will be well.

Prayers going up for you, my friend.

[silverthreads 183]

This is a personal decision of course. In my case I'll tell her after I've had the surgery. I don't want her to worry--which I know she'll do. I'm sure she will be supportive but there is no need to cause needless angst.

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[Cathy48 57]

I have a similar issue but it's my sister who I have to decide whether I tell or not. We live on other sides of the world so my instinct is to tell her when I see her next (in July). When I raised the subject with her before she was pretty horrified and said that if I must do it to make sure it's reversible. Well, it won't be so I'm more than ever certain it's best not to say. We are very close in spite of the distance apart, but she can be very judgemental. As to telling your mum, you know her best. If you think she would be very upset and hurt to be kept out of the loop then I would tell her. Otherwise you might say that you wanted to not worry her until you are on the road to recovery but preferably before your dinner date.

[KrissieLong 9]

Omg ladies, do we all have mom's like this? I'm 43 and my mom still treats me like I'm 16. Been married for more than 25 years and a mom for over 20 years. She always said eat less exercise more, you don't need surgery, quit being lazy and get up and move more. So many comments over my lifetime. I know she loves me but I never felt good enough. I told her a week before my surgery. I explained that I needed to do this for me and if she didn't like it, that was fine but that I was doing it regardless of what she thought. Surprisingly she was very supportive of my surgery and stayed at the hospital with me. Btw the reason for being so surprised is I have 4 children and 3 other surgeries and she has never been to any of them. Lol but she was there for this one. Year and a half later she is still supporting my decision and thinks it was a great idea. Tell her but be strong and let her know it's your decision to make.

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[BCs 1000 364]

Just be very, very clear that you have already researched and your mind is 100% made up, so you are asking for her support, not her opinion on the surgery.

You might be pleasantly surprised

[JenniferP1 75]

Age 45, 5 months post-op & have not told my mom (she does not live nearby). She would not have been supportive and it would have totally stressed me out. You're doing this for your own health and well-being. We cannot expect everyone else to understand or expect their positive support. Once someone is told they cannot be "un-told." Do what your gut tells you - you know your relationships best!

[KristenLe 5,979]

There are sample letters to write to your insurance company on Obesity Action Coalition website. You could adjust it to make it more personal. I am not telling my Mom until close to the surgery but I am telling her. It's a major surgery and I don't feel right keeping it from her. Plus she lives 2 miles from me and there's no way I could avoid telling her. I think your Mom may surprise you - give her a chance! Good luck!

[lessoftay 24]

This is YOUR journey. If telling your momma is only going to add stress to the situation, then you're already at a disadvantage. This process will mess you up inside and out at first. You need people in your corner who get it, who won't judge you, and who are supportive of the end goal. It will only create resentment if those are the things you need, and she can't provide them.

I'm sure she's an awesome lady! But this is yours. You are the one that has to live this new life. Share wisely.

You'll get to a point where going out with the family doesn't bother you. You'll get to a point where you don't feel the need to explain why you're eating a certain way or why you can't make it at "this time" because you have to go to the gym. YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. And you won't care one bit because you have goals & you're meeting them.

Good luck!

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Edited April 22, 2016 by lessoftay

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Your mom is very likely NOT like the mothers of other posters here who are (with absolutely zero actual information about your mother, you and your relationship) telling you what to do.

Just do what you think is best in this situation. You have all the information you need to figure this out -- we don't.

Very best to you.

[Stefistan 20]

I'm scheduled for the 9th and have not told my mother and can't decide if I will until after or not. When I have talked about doing this in Seattle in the past, it has made her very nervous and she has tried to talk me out of it so I'm pretty sure that she will freak right out about me going to Mexico to do it. I don't want her to worry and I have plenty of my own anxiety without having to deal with hers too but I know she will be hurt if I don't tell her. The fact that my oldest daughter decided to come with me and have the same surgery on the same day is not likely to help my case- especially as daughter is lower BMI than I and mom thinks that surgery is for the 50+ BMI crowd only (I'm at 36).

I can't tell you what to do since I obviously don't even know what I am doing but you aren't alone in this dilemma.

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[Bomberchick 1]

I had my surgery in December and still haven't told my mom. She lives about 7 hours away and I will be seeing her in May, so I will tell her before I go to visit. My reason to not tell her before surgery was that I knew she would worry herself sick. But I know that once she sees me and sees how much better I look and feel, she'll be ok with it. I come from a Polish family, so food is a huge part of our get togethers, so I know she'll be a little horrified at how little I'm able to eat now, but she'll get used to it. It's simply my new normal. Good luck to you!

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[Annie_Oakley 4]

^{Thank you all for your wise words. I am probably going to tell her on Monday I just can't see not telling her. If she found out after the fact, she would be hurt and I really don't want that either. Just going to be strong and resolute and explain that I am looking for support and that I have already made MY decision.}

^{Told my 20 year old daughter tonight. She seemed ok with it. Asked some questions. She had just learned about it in a nutrition class in college! What are the odds LOL!}

Edited April 23, 2016 by Annie_Oakley