Best friend told me she doesn't want to hear anything about my surgery...

[tiffanymarie6997 115]

I am 25, almost 26 (on Tuesday) and I was just approved for my gastric sleeve surgery after starting this process almost a year ago. Great news, right!? Of course I couldn't wait to share this news with my best friend of nearly 16 years, especially since she is the one who inspired me to go this route. She had her gastric sleeve about 2 years ago and it changed her life. She lost about 100 pounds. She has gained quite a bit back now, but nonetheless, the surgery has still bettered her life.

When I told her Anthem approved my surgery and it's in April, she simply said "Oh...that's good." Not quite the response I was expecting, but oh well, I was pumped. Later on while we were shopping she randomly said "You're not going to change once you get this surgery are you?" with quite a bit of aggression. I replied, "What do you mean?" She said "Like, your personality. Are you going to become a different person?" I said "Of course not. I love my personality, why would I change it? It's the outside of me and my health that I don't like. Why would you ask me that? I never once asked you anything like that when you were having your surgery." She didn't really say anything else about it and we went on with our day.

Later on that night, after having so many different scenarios fly through my head all day, I mentioned that I was stressed about having enough money for the surgery, time off of work, etc. and I'm hoping everything works out okay. Her response...."You know, I really don't want to hear about your surgery. At all."

Her saying that and acting this way frustrates me to no end. During the whole process of her having her surgery, I was supportive and happy for her. Never once did I make it about me or turn it into something negative. Since I started this process she's had nothing positive to say about it. She's always held me up on a pedestal compared to herself. She's always compared herself to me, and I have never compared myself to her. It did not bother me a bit that she weighs more than 100 pounds less than me now. But, I truly believe she does not want me to lose weight in fear that I'll be "smaller" than her which is ridiculous. We both know what it's like to be overweight. We've both been there. I want to be healthy. It sucks that my own best friend can't be happy that I'm having this life changing surgery because of jealousy. Especially when she's already been through the same process and had the same opportunity.

[Tssiemer1 549]

She seems maybe jealous of her surgery that was not a success.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

This isn't about you, it's about her. She had surgery, she's gained some of her weight back. Imagine how that feels. She's probably afraid that you will be more successful than she was - which isn't fair, is it?

One thing I know from reading a lot of posts on this board - nobody feels worse about themselves than a WLS patient who has gained some of their weight back. She's probably convinced herself that you will be way, way more successful than she was, which makes her feel even worse about her gain.

I'm so sorry about this. I'm sure there isn't anyone you'd rather share your journey with than your best friend.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Well, it's obvious she's unhappy.

And the trouble with hanging out with unhappy people is ... well, you know, it's a bummer.

If you really want to understand what's going on with her, you'll have to get her to open up about WHY she doesn't want to hear anything about your surgery.

It probably wouldn't hurt her to say out loud so she can hear her words too WHY she's so upset about your upcoming surgery.

If she's unhappy now, just imagine how she's going to feel when she gains another 100 pounds.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

duplicate post

[sassyfrass23 525]

I've had similar conversations with my BFF regarding mine. She has made it a point to skirt around the subject numerous times and just simply...shows zero interest in my big news. Granted- she hasn't been aggressive with her tone, but she's asked the "you're not going to change are you" question. Which is a valid question, I suppose?

At one point when I first looked into WLS, she had the same insurance and was going to initiate the process as well. Then she started back to school and left her job and ended up with insurance that doesn't cover WLS. When she was contemplating coming back to work with me, I asked if she was going to consider the surgery again and she blatantly said no and offered no explanation. Not that she owes me one and it's her decision which I'll respect. But I sense a bit of jealousy from her. She has a good 200lbs to lose and i fear for her life. All i want is for her to live as long and as healthy as possible WITH me.

So, I've tried to limit my surgery related conversations with her because of that. Granted...I don't like doing this and it bothers me. She's the one person I want to turn to regarding all of this...to share the excitement, nerves, fears, anxiety, etc....and I can't. But I hope that as she sees me lose weight and my health issues resign, maybe she will reconsider her decision. Maybe....

I hate to hear what your friend has said and the very blunt statements. The lack of support is tough, but you've got us here at BP. I agree with what the others have said....this is on her and is definitely stemming from envy. Maybe she will eventually come around and start offering more support. And who knows, maybe you will inspire her to make changes to lose the weight she put back on.

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[sassyfrass23 525]

One more thing- I've read it on here numerous times........it's the thinner folks who are typically the happiest for us. Whether they've achieved their weight via WLS or not. It's the obese people we're going to catch more flack from unfortunately

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Edited March 27, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[finallyfree! 84]

My BFF told me it was 'wrong, wrong, wrong!' on 3 separate occasions. She would not listen to me, discuss it with me and finally I told her I don't want her to mention it again and she hasn't. She is average weight but not in top health. I feel the loss and hurt by her lack of support and realise that I will get no mental, emotional support from her, which is a bummer as she lives on the ground floor of my house but on the bright side, she is going to look after my cats for me while I am in hospital and recovering. Different situation to yours but as someone says, it is your friends issues and not yours, as I finally realised. Do this for you and accept that some people just cant give us what we want from them. Not always wont but sometimes just cant, due to their own situation. Be happy and do what you need to do for you.

[Kindle 8,667]

You all need new friends. I would never keep non supportive people in my life and I would not consider people that treat me that way as "friends". I'm worthy of more than that and they aren't worth my time. If you are going to change anything, I hope you change the company you keep.

[sassyfrass23 525]

@@Kindle I agree! However, my best friend just lost her father a few months ago. Part of me is hoping that her still being in the grieving process is the driving force behind her behavior. I'm going to play it out for a few months and see what evolves. She typically has a HUGE heart for what it's worth..

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[Kindle 8,667]

@@Kindle I agree! However, my best friend just lost her father a few months ago. Part of me is hoping that her still being in the grieving process is the driving force behind her behavior. I'm going to play it out for a few months and see what evolves. [emoji15] She typically has a HUGE heart for what it's worth..Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App

I have no doubt her grief is still a major driving force of her actions and thoughts. Unfortunately there's really no "getting over" a major loss like hers. Grief can certainly change a person and yes, you are right for trying to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. She's struggling with her own stuff and that makes it hard for her to be there for you. I sure hope you both can get through your own struggles and come out friends on the other side.

[sassyfrass23 525]

@@Kindle I agree! However, my best friend just lost her father a few months ago. Part of me is hoping that her still being in the grieving process is the driving force behind her behavior. I'm going to play it out for a few months and see what evolves. She typically has a HUGE heart for what it's worth..Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App

I have no doubt her grief is still a major driving force of her actions and thoughts. Unfortunately there's really no "getting over" a major loss like hers. Grief can certainly change a person and yes, you are right for trying to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. She's struggling with her own stuff and that makes it hard for her to be there for you. I sure hope you both can get through your own struggles and come out friends on the other side.

I walked in her shoes 4 years ago. I was a daddy's girl and I watched mine wither away before my eyes due to cancer. Once he passed, it took me forever to really feel "happy" again. And I recall seeing other people happy and almost becoming pissed about it. Grief is ugly, for sure...

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Edited March 27, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[Kindle 8,667]

[BariatricPal App And I recall seeing other people happy and almost becoming pissed about it. Grief is an ugly, for sure...

BariatricPal App

Man oh man I hear that. It's like life and all things good and happy have come to an end, so how DARE anyone else act like it hasn't. It's been a year since my last loss and I still walk around in my haze of disbelief and all those other "stages" of grief.

So sorry about your father.

[Dub 9,922]

I am 25, almost 26 (on Tuesday) and I was just approved for my gastric sleeve surgery after starting this process almost a year ago. Great news, right!? Of course I couldn't wait to share this news with my best friend of nearly 16 years, especially since she is the one who inspired me to go this route. She had her gastric sleeve about 2 years ago and it changed her life. She lost about 100 pounds. She has gained quite a bit back now, but nonetheless, the surgery has still bettered her life.

When I told her Anthem approved my surgery and it's in April, she simply said "Oh...that's good." Not quite the response I was expecting, but oh well, I was pumped. Later on while we were shopping she randomly said "You're not going to change once you get this surgery are you?" with quite a bit of aggression. I replied, "What do you mean?" She said "Like, your personality. Are you going to become a different person?" I said "Of course not. I love my personality, why would I change it? It's the outside of me and my health that I don't like. Why would you ask me that? I never once asked you anything like that when you were having your surgery." She didn't really say anything else about it and we went on with our day.

Later on that night, after having so many different scenarios fly through my head all day, I mentioned that I was stressed about having enough money for the surgery, time off of work, etc. and I'm hoping everything works out okay. Her response...."You know, I really don't want to hear about your surgery. At all."

Her saying that and acting this way frustrates me to no end. During the whole process of her having her surgery, I was supportive and happy for her. Never once did I make it about me or turn it into something negative. Since I started this process she's had nothing positive to say about it. She's always held me up on a pedestal compared to herself. She's always compared herself to me, and I have never compared myself to her. It did not bother me a bit that she weighs more than 100 pounds less than me now. But, I truly believe she does not want me to lose weight in fear that I'll be "smaller" than her which is ridiculous. We both know what it's like to be overweight. We've both been there. I want to be healthy. It sucks that my own best friend can't be happy that I'm having this life changing surgery because of jealousy. Especially when she's already been through the same process and had the same opportunity.

Ouch.....ouch.....that has to feel bad.

You may have very much been counting on, in the back of your mind, her support and guidance throughout your own wls.

I suspect that she is not pleased with her regained weight and has fallen back into some prior bad habits and feels bad about it.

It is good for you to see now that many people.....even best friends........have their own personal demons in regard to being overweight and seldom allow themselves to think objectively about it beyond their own experiences. They struggle to grasp anything other than their own despair and frustration.

Obesity.

A monster that is out there.......waiting for you to slay it. You can have a wonderful blacksmith to forge your sword and make your armour....the best combat training.......and the best squires and steed. It is you, solely you.....that steps out on the field of battle to face this monster. You are the one that has to kill it. Once you see an opening....keep after it.....you'll gain ground and you'll lop it's head off.

Be a good friend. Be her best friend......but know that it may lead to having compartmentalize or filter the types of feelings you share with her. Maybe you're enthusiasm and great results will inspire her. Know that she'll be rooting for you even if she's not capable of expressing it.

She'll see your success and it'll stir things up inside her. Let it be her to open the dialogue on the matter.....or not open.

You are going to be busy slaying that monster. Getting more active. Formal exercise. Embracing new ways of eating. Monitoring progress. Needing to shop for new clothes. Understand that you may go it alone.....or feel that way at times. It is what it is. It's you kicking the shyt outa the excess weight you want to lose. It's you figuring out how to live lean....now and forever.

She'll come around.......maybe it'll take a long time for her to....maybe not. Either way, you've got this.

One more thing- I've read it on here numerous times........it's the thinner folks who are typically the happiest for us. Whether they've achieved their weight via WLS or not. It's the obese people we're going to catch more flack from unfortunately

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Bamsucka !!!!

Drop the mic........strut away and bow.

Truth spoken.

Or at least something that seems to occur a good bit.

My grandfather had a saying, "Still Water runs deep.........swift Water runs shallow". Applies to many situations in life. With wls i've found that many more positive comments and feels are expressed by my thinner friends & coworkers. They are very congratulatory and not usually wanting conversations on the matter.....just a hearty, "Hell yes, man.....you are doing well....keep it up". That's about it now. They don't want to know all the ins & outs......don't want to hear about the labor pain....they just compliment the baby. lol. Now......when my overweight friends and coworkers do take time to comment or approach me about the weight loss results......it's always tentative, very vague but builds in focus and desire for more information. I always take time.....or make and agreed upon future time......to fill them in on the good, bad & ugly of my own experiences. It is something that they've most likely considered...the wls........and losing weight is certainly something they desire to do at some level. I try to tap into this desire and how it's within their grasp as I explain how things unfolded for me thus far.....with so far to go....honestly there's another 100 lbs to go.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I hate when adults say another adult is jealous as a knee jerk response. This isn't middle school.

After her success and relapse, you being successful is going to highlight her own mistakes. She is probably more ashamed than anything.

Honestly, 2 years from now, I doubt I will be talking about surgery at all. I don't want to be the poster child for surgery so that anyone that has surgery, that I know for the rest of my life, will come to be and ask me questions. The reason I kept my surgery a secret was because I don't want to be talking about the sleeve for the rest of my life. It was a thing that happened, it has helped me, but it isn't the focus of my life or the most important thing.

If you failed at something would you want someone reminding you of that failure every day? With gleeful enthusiasm?

Hopefully you both can take this as an opportunity to strengthen your friendship. At 26 though, most people aren't that evolved. Also something you might end up learning in your 20s is just because you grew up with someone and you were friends when you were younger (before your personality was fully formed) doesn't mean you are going to be friends through your adult lives.

Focus on yourself, your surgery and your success. Good luck.