Husband's breaking furniture due to weight, but still refuses surgery?

[Comfy_Blue 285]

I'm 32 years old and was sleeved a couple years ago. It's completely changed my life for the better.

My husband is two years younger than me. When we met three years ago I was 250lbs and he weighed about 285lbs.

Now I weigh 145lbs and he's about 340 - 350ish. He has severe obstructive sleep apnea, has trouble walking up and down stairs, gets winded when sitting still, complains of joint pain, sweats profusely with minimal activity, has trouble breathing, and we almost never have sex anymore because its difficult since his stomach is very large and gets in the way no matter what position we try.

Earlier this week he went to bend down and grab something and his pants ripped leaving a huge gaping hole that can't be repaired.

When he eats, he moans after each bite and opens his mouth as wide as he can pushing in as much food as possible. I get worried when he drives because his stomach is almost touching the wheel which doesn't seem safe. :-(

Over the last few months he has broken a kitchen chair, one of the seats in my mom's car, my cousins bed and last night while we were talking in bed one of tue wooden slats on his side broke.

Our bed is practically brand new (we bought it in January along with the mattress), king size and not cheap. Because of his weight, my dad reinforced our bed when they put it together by adding 7 extra wooden slats (the bed came with 3) underneath.

My husband said it wasn't him, the wood was just weak. Later he tried to get into bed again and there was another loud crack and another slat broke. So he ended up sleeping on the couch and said he's going to order some steel bed slats from the Internet and then it'll be fine.

Despite all these things, he continues to refuse to have surgery. He says he can do it with weight watchers. He goes to meetings and loses .4 lbs, then gains 2lbs, then loses .8 lbs, then maybe another .2 lbs, then gains another 1.5 lbs and so on. It's not much progress and honestly I don't believe he can do it on his own because he doesn't track his points or exercise.

I talked to his parents about my concerns during Christmas. He got upset when they confronted him about it, then he stopped eating red meat for awhile and now he's right back at it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but I'm so disgusted with how he's living his life. I try to be loving and supportive but I don't want my husband to die or get diabetes/have a heart attack/stroke etc. I've told him that and still he refuses the surgery.

I've cried, yelled, kept quiet, begged, demanded and so forth. I've talked about how my health and life have improved. I reminded him diabetes runs on both the matermal and paternal side of his family. His dad's diabetes have even led to kidney failure.

Nothing works. He just keeps saying he's making changes and is going to lose 200 lbs in three years.

Has anyone been through this or have advice?

[KindaFamiliar 3,867]

Those who don't want help simply can't be helped....

I was the same...

Didn't want help...

Certainly didn't NEED it...

As it turned out, I sorted myself out...

I hope he does too..

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Have you guys considered marriage counseling?

I realize that the weight is HIS problem and only he can fix that. But it's also causing big issues in your marriage -- and it sounds like that's worth addressing together.

And if he won't go to marriage counseling, I would suggest that you seek counseling by yourself -- maybe do that anyway even if you two are going to marriage counseling.

This is a tough one.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

You can't want something FOR someone. If he doesn't want surgery, no amount of wishing on your part is going to make him want it. Hopefully it is something he will come around on, but it ultimately has to be his decision. I feel badly for you. I have a very close friend that I am afraid of losing to a stroke or heart attack any moment because he's over 400 pounds. I had hoped that by seeing how successful I have been with the surgery, he might consider it, even though he was very opposed to it at the time I had mine. Well, it doesn't seem to have swayed him one bit. Every time we go out together, he eats enough food to feed a family of four, while I sit there and eat my 3-4 ounces.

I've resigned myself to the notion that some people just really don't want to make the commitment to lifelong change that surgery requires. It does sound to me that this could be a deal-breaker in your marriage though. If his weight continues to go up and his heath continues to decline, then you might very well end up in the position of care-taker, which would be very unfair to you.

[FrankyG 1,450]

Take the weight out of the equation: Your husband is in poor health, unable to do things he once enjoyed, you're now in a sexless marriage, and he's in denial about a serious health issue that he is doing nothing to remedy.

Your husband is so deep in denial about his health, he's allowed it to make his world smaller and smaller, and at some point, he will withdraw from life so much that he abandons his family and his spouse. He's already begun this with the sex/intimacy - and it only gets worse from here on out.

He needs to change; but he is the only one that can make that happen.

I agree you both need marriage counseling, but he also might need the doctor flat out telling him that he is fooling himself right now, and without doing some DRASTIC changes regarding food/portion control and exercise, he will not only suffer and die early, but he will chase away the only people that truly love and care for him.

If it was me in this position, I would tell him that I love him, that I am willing to do whatever it took to help him, but if he makes no effort himself, I see that he doesn't love me, or himself, or our relationship enough to do the hard work necessary. Saying he's working on it and actually working are two different things. He's shown you that he'd rather stay the weight he is and blame everything around him (weak wood? Breaking a CAR seat? OMFG no that's serious denial) than make any real effort. He's given up on having sex with his spouse - that is physical and emotional abandonment right there... what is your line in the sand? At what point do you tell him "I love you, but this is not what I thought our life would be like and I'm not willing to accept this any more."

If he persists in this path after counseling and serious, blunt discussions on what you deserve in a marriage as well from your spouse don't wake him up, then he needs to walk the path he's chosen alone. I personally wouldn't be a party to the self destructive, fantasyland behavior he's participating in (and I am coming from a slightly similar background with a husband that had a serious health issue he was in denial about, that caused some marital issues, and came down to a serious "I love you, but we're looking at divorce if you don't make changes" discussion).

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope somehow he can see the light and make the changes necessary to get healthy and become a true partner in your marriage, but you have to also take care of yourself. EVERYONE deserves to be in a relationship with a loving, happy partner that cares about the state of their relationship enough to make changes when possible. Yours is not, and it will slowly poison everything around you unless he changes or you leave.

Edited March 24, 2016 by FrankiesGirl

[Josey Quinn 187]

The other thing to remember is surgery is just the beginning. Even if he "caved in" and had surgery, he would still be responsible for following through with the lifestyle changes, just like you have. He has to want it for himself; no amount of love and encouragement from you can do it for him.

[Stevehud 1,790]

being a man in the same sort of size etc as your husband i can say this, it took me 40 years to wake up and realize something had to change and i could not do it on my own. I would lose 30 pounds then Celebrate by going right back out and eating like i used to. then it would creep right back in. So many health problems including the sever obstructive sleep apnea and a lot worse, made me finally say it was time. It can be done, it is do able you can do this and have a life you can actually have a great amazingly fun life without eating to gain your fun. But unfortunately everyone is right , the more people tell you what to do the more you will resist and live in denial. If he ever says hed like to talk to a guy whos been there i can do so. or im sure others here would as well.

Good luck.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

Your post made me have a stark realization about my self today thanks I mean it thanks

[Lemm61 206]

Almost seems like he is having a passive-aggressive reaction to your weight loss and new good health. I hope he figures it out for himself before he loses you and has a major health crisis.

[daniotra 298]

Unfortunately, he has to make the decision for himself. You can tell him you're concerned about his health, and that the lack of sex in your marriage is a big problem for you. You can refuse to enable him (don't bring anything unhealthy into the house, when you cook, only make enough for reasonable portions, don't go out to eat with him, etc). You need to do what you need to do to be healthy. Encourage him to be healthy and make healthy choices instead of pushing surgery. Surgery is a deeply personal decision. There are significant risks involved, but huge potential benefits as well. Also, remember that he needs to be 100% committed to the necessary lifestyle changes, otherwise the surgery won't help.

I agree with the other posters who have recommended marriage counseling. If he won't go, go yourself. Some individual counseling would probably be good for you to help you work through your feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[lachellove 486]

When you had come to the decision to change your life was he supportive? You feel he needs the help what if the roles were reversed? When people did to me what you are doing to your husband I was hurt and embarrassed .. I'm not saying it's okay but we all were able to come to this decision on our own. I would support him and keep trying to guide him. It could be very frustrating because naturally you want what's best. But ultimately he has to want to make this decision. It's his life that's going to change .. What if he does it because you want him to then doesn't make the effort and changes it takes to have long term success .. I would say let him dig til he's tired .. Then be there too help him climb out.

[VDB 800]

Agree with all who said you can't control him. All you can control is yourself. I was him for 30 years, then finally, facing loss of mobility for the first time, went in for gastric bypass. Huge health improvements and return of mobility.

You have a choice to make. My wife of almost 40 years chose to focus on herself, her happiness, and chose not to make me feel the pain of shaming, blaming, "real talks" and recruiting others to tell me I was fat. Others choose to leave and refuse to watch their spouse self-destruct. Both are understandable positions. Addiction, food addiction, is a bitch. We have decades of data from addiction treatment which says you can't force others to address their addictions.

Speaking only for me, I would look in the mirror and say "I can only control myself" and then ask "What can I do to make me a better person" followed with "OK me, develop an action plan to focus on my self-improvement and happiness that only involves me -- the only one I can control" Then, even if he gets disabled or dies, you have a life. Modeling health and self care is not a bad thing.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

Have a long heartfelt talk with him regarding your feelings, love for him and how you want to grow old with him.

Express the facts about obesity regarding his health.

Take him to a few bariatric WLS group meetings so he can hear strangers talk about their successes and journeys.

He has to be ready to commit to a lifestyle change to make the WLS succesful.

Unfortunately, sometimes people need to sink to the bottom before they want to swim to the surface.

[jane13 2,256]

You can ask, beg, cry, yell and scream and if he did the surgery TODAY would he be ready (prepared mentally) for life post-op?

He has to want it ~

like you did

[kranky813 477]

I agree with just about everything that everyone else on here has said but I think there is one key piece of information missing...

Have you ever asked or dug in to find out why? Why doesn't he want surgery? I know you said that he says he can do it on his own but that isn't really an answer in my book. Is there something that he is scared of? Does he like the way his life is? I waited 10 years for my surgery out of fear. Anyone I ever talked to told me these horror stories about surgery - even though I knew people who had done it and were successful. It scared me to my core. It took me being forced to see my life, or nonexistent life that is, to wake up and decide surgery was the best option for me.

I'm just wondering if there is an underlying cause to him not wanting surgery and if you can find that out maybe you can help him.

I'm sorry for your situation... I can sympathize on how difficult it must be for you.