Husband's breaking furniture due to weight, but still refuses surgery?

[Babbs 14,681]

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

Right?! I thought I was in Bizarro World! A bunch of obese/formerly obese people judging someone for being obese and not being ready to do something about it?

He will do it when he's darn good and ready and no sooner. No amount of begging, pleading, criticising,or cajoling will make him have the surgery.

My husband had a bypass 10 years ago and guess what? It was his idea and he was ready to do it. 8 years later I decided to have the sleeve. My idea and I was finally ready to do it. We supported each other before our surgeries and then after.

If his being obese repulses you so, then maybe it is time to move on. But my goodness try to put yourself in his shoes and remember you were in the same position not long ago.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

He is in denial...take a photo of him and show him...have a serious discussion.He needs to get help.Be firm and serious with him.You can't live like this....

[Heather I 500]

I have to say, I think a little patience is in order. Leaving your husband when you were recently in his place, I think, is kinda heartless (not that you suggested doing it, it was suggested to you by others).

I think Alex had a valid point; perhaps he is afraid of not being as successful as you have been. I'm sure he can't conceive of eating the small portions that he sees you eating and thinking he can be satisfied off that amount. He's in denial, sure, but I have to think he's massively embarrassed breaking furniture and lying about weak furniture is his coverup.

IDK. I'm not great on tact, so I think I'd talk to a counselor first solo and explain MY feelings, then go together and see if the therapist can couch the dialogue in a non confrontational way.

Sometimes things just "click" when you hear them in a different way, from a different person. IDK if you just are "ready to hear" something sometimes or it just rings true and you adopt the suggestion, but it's happened to me several times in my life with "aha" moments.

Lastly, this works with MY husband, don't know about anyone else, but I tend to be pretty stoic, so when I cry (not as a tactic, just happens when I'm overwrought,) he really listens to me because it is unusual and genuine for me to be crying. Maybe if you get to that point you can tell him how worried you are to lose your best friend, lover, partner, and you don't want him to leave YOU and be left alone as a young widow.

You know, death knocks on many people's doors. My husband lost his first wife at age 39. My good friend died at 42 from cancer. I know several people in my social circle who died in their early 40s, and in my high school graduating class, we have already lost eight people out of a class of 77! That's a big percentage!

It's not unrealistic to think that you COULD be widowed. Maybe him seeing you really worried and upset would be a breakthrough moment for him to realize he may be leaving you.

You haven't mentioned kids, if you have any or want any. If you do want children . . . God, that's such a loaded situation with his current health, let alone the lack of sex.

IDK. Good luck. I'm sure you're totally frustrated and upset. I hope you can at least talk to a counselor to vent your point of view and maybe find a workable solution.

[shriner37 249]

The recurring theme in this thread is very true - you can't make someone want to change themselves, they have to reach that decision for themselves.

I think all of us worked through a process regarding our weight... denying we have an issue, accepting the fact that life is different for us, and then ultimately deciding to make a lifelong commitment to change. I know for me it took years before I was ready. No one told me I should do this and frankly I would have resented that information had they presented it. I had to decide for myself.

There are a couple of folks at work (one is my employee the other a co-worker) who both have significant health issues related to their weight. I was hopeful, along with some others, that my surgery experience would be a motivator for them to consider change. It hasn't. I've had lots of people ask me about it but unfortunately neither of the folks who really need to change have done so.

I've had others at work suggest I talk to these two about my surgery to which I said absolutely not. It's not my place to initiate such a conversation. If either of them were to ask I'd gladly share my learned knowledge about WLS and my experiences. But they have to be interested enough to ask.

I know a spouse is a different relationship than a co-worker but the same psychological barriers still apply.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein Shake.< /p>

What advice do you recommend other than not showing him this post?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@4MRB4PHOTO

Nothing. Unless the dude is 4'10, her story doesn't add up.

Notice OP hasn't been back at all, but everyone in this thread are fighting among themselves. If this was a serious situation and OP wanted advice OP would be posting in the thread. Look at OP's posting history.

So many people post these attention seeking trolling posts, and no one seems to catch on.

Lastly this is the same forum that people give advice to and uphold married people actively cheating in their marriage. I knew the advice was going to be terrible and I wasn't disappointed.

Edited March 27, 2016 by OutsideMatchInside

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I don't know how much I weighed when I broke my first piece of furniture but it wasn't nearly as much as my highest weight.

Believe it or not, a lot of furniture today isn't very sturdy.

In the past few years I have had to be very careful about furniture.

You would be surprised to find how much isn't designed for over 250 pounds. Even though a piece may hold more than the recommended weight for a while, it will give out.

[Nikki Jarvis 6]

I understand how you feel with his attitude and the changes he will not make. It is definitely a hard road and to take a step back, hurts just as much. I do not know if this will help but has he watched My 600 Lb Life? Some of those are way more eye opening than you expressing to him.

[shrinkingkimber 200]

I don't know how much I weighed when I broke my first piece of furniture but it wasn't nearly as much as my highest weight.

Believe it or not, a lot of furniture today isn't very sturdy.

In the past few years I have had to be very careful about furniture.

You would be surprised to find how much isn't designed for over 250 pounds. Even though a piece may hold more than the recommended weight for a while, it will give out.

Yup. At 350, I broke the car seat in my car, and I have broken slats under my mattress, I also broke a plastic patio chair. However I am guilty of sitting too heavily because it hurts my knees to ease down so I just kinda fall. 350 lbs falling can cause some damage...

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[JamieLogical 8,708]

I broke an office chair somewhere around my highest weight of 270.

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

You've done all you can. The rest is up to God and your husband. When it is time he will either make a concerted effort or, with enough inspiration, head for the operating table. If he doesn't, that means that it's not something he is made to handle like you were. The last thing you would want is for him to have an unsuccessful surgery because he committed to something he truly isn't made or ready for.

[illailla 79]

lol people are seriously saying that she should leave him because he doesn't want to have surgery? you people are heartless

Edited March 29, 2016 by illailla

[toastedink 115]

This is hard. He has to want to lose weight on his own. You can't make him do it.

On the other hand, maybe you need to express to him that what he is doing isn't fair to you either. Yes, you agreed to "in sickness and in health" but what happens when he is too big for you to care for him? I agree with the other commenters suggesting marriage counseling.

[illailla 79]

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

Right?! I thought I was in Bizarro World! A bunch of obese/formerly obese people judging someone for being obese and not being ready to do something about it?

He will do it when he's darn good and ready and no sooner. No amount of begging, pleading, criticising,or cajoling will make him have the surgery.

My husband had a bypass 10 years ago and guess what? It was his idea and he was ready to do it. 8 years later I decided to have the sleeve. My idea and I was finally ready to do it. We supported each other before our surgeries and then after.

If his being obese repulses you so, then maybe it is time to move on. But my goodness try to put yourself in his shoes and remember you were in the same position not long ago.

this. if you are done with the marriage move on for his sake and yours

Edited March 29, 2016 by illailla

[pegrae 88]

I wish you both good luck, we can only see from this side. you will know in your heart what to do and when to do it. I hope he sees it as a life opportunity for him!