Husband's breaking furniture due to weight, but still refuses surgery?

[needtorecover 574]

It sounds like he has a couple things going against him. 1) He clearly loves food - I was the same way (moaning when I ate, especially when I was super hungry... it just felt so good). He may be afraid of that feeling going away. I had that fear myself. I thought I'd miss food desperately, that I'd long for it all the time, that I'd be hungry but unable to do anything about it. Instead, the hunger is just GONE (blessedly, blessedly gone) and I didn't realize how much that hunger tormented me until it went away. He would be tremendously relieved to see it go away - I hope he changes his mind. 2) He probably has some self-esteem issues. I'm certain he doesn't feel good about breaking furniture, about being unable to have sex, about his sleep apnea or health issues, I'm sure he feels awful physically... The more you tell him he has to lose weight and surgery is the only way out, the harder he will push back. He's probably wanting to prove something to you by losing weight without surgery and gets motivated and then it eventually peters out after a few weeks of struggling without much reward.

I am sorry you're going through this. It must be incredibly distressing to see your significant other damaging his health so badly. Really, it's like a drug addict. You can see them abusing the drugs, the damage it's doing to them, you can beg them to stop, tell them it's hurting your relationship and destroying their health... but ultimately he has to open his eyes and see it himself.

I really, really hope he listens to you eventually.

[CBT 450]

Let him read your post.

Let him read your post.

[Proud2BMe 1,016]

I'm going to be honest here. You might consider whether or not the relationship is working for you anymore. It's very common for relationships to dissolve post-bariatric surgery, and for a variety of reasons. You are going one direction in life and he is standing still, or should I say, rapidly declining.

Let him know that your needs are no longer being met and that you are wanting couple's counseling. If he absolutely refuses, even though you've explained that you are not satisfied, then start making plans to leave him. You have already given him the opportunity of joining you on your journey and he has so far declined. You should have to be forced to put up with a sexless, unhappy marriage with constantly being worried about his health and how to replace furniture.

Trust me. It will only get worse.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Proud2BMe

[Christinamo7 4,042]

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

to the OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. I spent years while he sorted things out to learn how to find a place to be productive in society. it took us a LONG time to learn how to be married without stepping all over each other. it was worth all the junk we went through and all the trouble it took. I had to learn how to support him - and how to help him - without ENABLING unhelpful behaviors, but at the end of the day that was all I could be responsible for. I am really glad I stuck with it - it was hard some times.

So, I would encourage you to get support and help. Your life changes have changed the balances in your relationship and you will need help to sort out how you can help and support him without enabling him. I hope you two can find a way to be intimate until he is healthy enough to resume normal activities.

[JamieLogical 8,727]

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

[lachellove 486]

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

to the OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. I spent years while he sorted things out to learn how to find a place to be productive in society. it took us a LONG time to learn how to be married without stepping all over each other. it was worth all the junk we went through and all the trouble it took. I had to learn how to support him - and how to help him - without ENABLING unhelpful behaviors, but at the end of the day that was all I could be responsible for. I am really glad I stuck with it - it was hard some times.

So, I would encourage you to get support and help. Your life changes have changed the balances in your relationship and you will need help to sort out how you can help and support him without enabling him. I hope you two can find a way to be intimate until he is healthy enough to resume normal activities.

I agree. That's like saying he should leave her because she had the surgery. She was one way when they met and decided on a change what if he preferred her the way she was? Then people would have all kind of stuff to say about that. Maybe my interpretation of marriage is different. I sure wouldn't want anyone telling my husband to leave me for having surgery. Why tell someone to leave because they won't have it? For better or for worse when I gained my husband didn't leave me.. I thank God for that. I don't think he should continue on the road he's on, but that's what for better or worse means.. Help him the best way you can. Don't give up a marriage because he's not making the decision you want him to make.

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

If you didn't have the surgery what would be your outlook? Don't forget that you have been where he is. I too have quietly been critical of obese people and realize how I must have been disgusting to others. I am so glad that you have been successful; his time will come, love him or go your own way.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

I am very thankful that my husband didn't give up on me. We've been married almost 20 years, and I have been obese for all of it. Every time I tried to do better he was patient with me and encouraging. Willing to spend money on whatever equipment I wanted to try (treadmill - pilates machine - we even have a puppy dog because I thought it would encourage me to walk and be more active) and watched me eating myself to death a lot of the time when the weight was going back on. He was supportive then, and supportive now. I think all of us have to take a moment and remember we were the obese spouse, and how would we want to be treated?

Edited March 25, 2016 by Christinamo7

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

[sgc 538]

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

I was thinking the same thing. I'm 450 pounds and have not broken any furniture. I also didn't have any of the health problems she mentioned however I'm not sure what age they are.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@sgc she said he is younger than her and she is 32, so I am guessing he is 30.

[sgc 538]

@@sgc she said he is younger than her and she is 32, so I am guessing he is 30.

I got her posts mixed up with someone else. I saw that and read another post about being married for 20 years so I was think they married when he was 30 and he's now about 50. I'm 31 so I'm about the same age he is. I do have sleep apnea but I don't sweat or get out of breath that easily.

[KindaFamiliar 3,867]

I wondered about the 'breaking furniture' thing too...

I was 255kg (560lbs) and don't recall breaking furniture..

I'm sure the furniture wasn't pleased to make my acquaintance, but I don't think it caved under the pressure...

Anyway...

Whatever path the OP opts for, just know that ultimately, you need to make sure that YOU are ok...

[JamieLogical 8,727]

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

I am very thankful that my husband didn't give up on me. We've been married almost 20 years, and I have been obese for all of it. Every time I tried to do better he was patient with me and encouraging. Willing to spend money on whatever equipment I wanted to try (treadmill - pilates machine - we even have a puppy dog because I thought it would encourage me to walk and be more active) and watched me eating myself to death a lot of the time when the weight was going back on. He was supportive then, and supportive now. I think all of us have to take a moment and remember we were the obese spouse, and how would we want to be treated?

My situation was exactly the same as yours except for the 20 years. My husband and I were only together 7 or 8 years before my surgery. I am grateful every day that he continued to love and support me through all the ups and downs with my weight over the years. He loved me at my heaviest and now he's loving me at my thinnest and everything in between. But had he left, I wouldn't have held it against him or blamed him. Certainly if my weight was causing him the distress the OP is expeiencing, I actually would have felt bad asking him to stay. His happiness is just as important as my own. I would not have wanted or expected him to suffer and be miserable.

[Alex Brecher 10,516]

@@Comfy_Blue,

Sorry about this situation. Congratulations on your own weight loss and commitment to health.

I agree with the others who say your husband has to want it. You can’t want it for him, and forcing him to agree to surgery in a weak moment can be a big mistake.

I also agree that maybe you should focus on problems other than the actual weight: that he can’t do things with you, that he has terrible and worsening health problems, and that it’s getting in the way of your relationship. Maybe marriage counseling would help.

Another possibility would be if he’s scared to try seriously because maybe he feels “behind” you since you’ve lost so much weight. Maybe he feels afraid of failing, or maybe he’s afraid he’ll never “catch up” to you or be as good as you. Let him know that you’ll support him however he wants, and ask him what he needs from you.

Good luck.