dating?

[Sophie74656 1,572]

hey guys. My husband and I talked, and we are getting divorced. He was quite civil and nice about it when we talked about spliting our things. We don't own anything and don't have kids so I'm hoping the process will be smooth. Unfortunately we have to wait to file since it cost $300 just to file, and neither of us has that right now. Thankfully while I'm staying with my parents I only have a few bills to pay and no rent. But these last couple of weeks have been tough. I have no desire to do anything, no interest in my favorite tv shows, no energy, no real desire to eat, I just want to lay in bed with the cat. There are times when I just can't stop crying. I had a temp job for a week and a half and it was terrible. I did my best but my head was so not in it. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I was making stupid mistakes. But I did earn enough to pay my bills for the next two months.

my biggest thought right now is that I will never find anyone else and I will die alone. I have always been very shy and introverted and I have social anxiety. So how can I meet someone? I met my husband online and I will sign up for online dating sites in the near future but I just can't imagine that I could get close to someone again.

Plus, I have no idea how to date. I was 20 years old when I met my husband and we didn't really date. We fell right into a relationship and skipped that dating period. Plus with my sleeve, what are dates going to be like? Yeah if I date someone seriously they will know about it, but is that a first date conversation? Plus I'm so self conscious about my stomach. I have a very large skin apron hanging down that is quite visible when I wear pants unless I have a long shirt. I'm only a few month post op so surgery is a long way away if ever.

just having a really hard time seeing a light at the end of this tunnel

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Sending hugs.

For what it is worth (I am single, never married):

It is ok to cry and grieve over the end of your marriage.

It is ok to be miserable for a while.

You do not have to decide anything today.

You are going through a tremendous amount of stress and change: WLS, weight loss, work, living situation, and your marriage dissolving.

Rather than jumping blindly into the dating pool, why not take some time to grieve and heal (physically, emotionally, spiritually)?

Do you have a good counselor or therapist?

You might also want to look for a good bariatric support group and/or 12-step recovery group like OA (OA.org).

When you are emotionally stronger, then you can be better able to rationally date.

You are not doomed to be alone the rest of your life. You get to choose whether or not you date or seek a new, healthy relationship.

In the meantime, why not find out how strong and awesome you are by yourself?

Again, it is ok to cry and grieve.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It's too soon to be worried about this. You will be fine - although it is a tough adjustment to single life! And, when you are ready to start dating there are some of us with online dating experience that can give tips.

BTW, my lifelong pattern was to not really "date" either - I more like fell right into a relationship. I am practicing breaking that habit because I would rather be alone than with someone that doesn't enrich my life; and me his life.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Sophie74656, you are nowhere close to being ready for dating. Date yourself before you think about men. Go through the 'getting to know you' stage with yourself. Take time -- a year, say -- to mourn your marriage, set priorities and make decisions, and discover who you are as an adult individual in the world. That's a lot of work ahead. Men will still be out there when they make sense for you.

Be kind to yourself and know that you are and will remain lovable. Love yourself. Inner Surfer Girl made an excellent suggestion: Therapy. If you're not already seeing a therapist and money is as tight as you implied, you should be able to find a place with sliding-scale rates. Try googling "low cost therapy in [your region of] NJ." Call the outpatient psych departments of local hospitals to inquire. If anyone tells you that the facility doesn't offer what you're looking for, ask for a referral. Contact local social service non-profits that deal with mental health or have support programs pertaining to divorce. Try this link http://www.mdsg.org/resources.php: MDSG is an NYC group for bipolar people, but the website offers links suited to others.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I am definately not ready for dating, that's for sure but it is on my mind

I did go to therapy for a bit but my copay is $50 for each visit. Can't affors that while I'm not working.

I dont feel like doing anything but i am trying to make myself get out there a bit. There is a book club this weekend that i want to make myself go to

I know eventually everything will be ok just really depressed right now

[katanne 215]

If you're still waiting to file the divorce papers, then it's way too early to worry about dating someone new. I agree with the others about getting to know yourself as you are outside of a relationship first, and therapy if you feel you need it.

Believe me, we'll all be here with our own crazy online dating stories to swap when the time is right.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

I am sorry about the divorce that's got to be tough but you'll be ok

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Take care of you. I'm divorcing now and self care is my focus. I'm so grateful every day for the resources I have: dear friends; a good lawyer, a therapist, CODA and OA. I need them all. My WLS was the first step I took in self care before I filed for divorce.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I'm sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. Try to just take one day at a time.

There are quite a few threads about all of us in the dating world. You'll have plenty of reading material.

If you can't go to therapy try a group like OA for support. It's like free therapy, if you live in a place where there are good meetings.

Also try meetup groups. There are meetup groups for all sorts of things, again if you live in a larger city than I do. Hiking, book clubs, etc. Eventually you'll feel like getting out an socializing.

Good luck. Keep in touch with us because we will all wonder how you're doing.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

There are a lot of other more important things you need to do before you need to agonize about dating and finding a new husband.

* Like getting out of bed.

* Getting dressed.

* Preparing and eating the foods you need to be eating post-op.

* Leaving the house.

* Finding another job.

I'm completely serious. If you can focus on things that will actually make you healthier now (which is why you had WLS -- remember?), you'll start to feel better. Otherwise, you'll still be lying there in bed with that cat a month from now.

Maybe even three months from now.

[gowalking 10,790]

When my first husband passed away, I was afraid of being alone and I had no idea how to live alone so I married a nice man four years later. I found out that it's soooo much better to be alone than to feel alone when your husband is lying next to you in bed. We divorced at my insistence because I knew I had to put myself in a better place physically and emotionally. It was the beginning of quite an adventure of self-discovery.

Point is....see this as a positive and not a negative. You will now be responsible for only yourself and once the fear subsides, you may very likely find that being beholding to no one is quite an empowering emotion.

Oh...and therapy helps alot. Do what you have to in order to see someone. That shouldn't be thought of as an option...it should be a necessity.

[mngreeneyes 674]

HUGS! It will get better. Exercise is a great help to depression. I also know that it can be one of the hardest things to do when depressed, but it will help and all those crazy endorphins are lots of fun once they get flowing. I am single, never married, but I know well the challenges of depression. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

pam

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Thanks guys. Im going to go take the dog for a walk around the block....get some fresh air