Less than 3 weeks away from surgery and I am reflecting...

[ajbishop2 18]

Age: 25

HW: 275

CW: 265

GW: 165

Surgery date: 3/30/16

I am reflecting on a moment that really hurt me.

When I was 20, I went on a crazy 8-month long diet. I barely ate 1200 calories a day and I worked out vigorously at the gym. I didn't care what kind of calories I ate (didn't care about protein) and many days I dipped well below 1200 just to see results. I went from 230 to 150 in 7 months. Every conversation I had was about calories and working out. People were worried about me. My face looked sunken in. I was starving. I started eating a more normal amount and continued working out. My weight crept up to 160. Before I knew it, I was back up to 180. As soon as I stopped starving myself, all of my weight came back. Well...

I had gone to my PCP at some point during my weight loss. They had a recorded weight of around 160 for me. I went in a few months later for a Pap smear- side note... My PCP is a wonderful man who has been seeing me since I was a child, however, other people in the office are not great- I decided I wanted the nurse practitioner to do my pap because I wanted a female. This was my FIRST PAP EVER! So... I was half naked on a table, terrified of what was about to happen, when this blonde, skinny, young nurse practitioner walks in. She was looking at my chart and she threw it down on the counter. She said... "Are you aware of how much weight you've gained?" I said "ummm I am here for a Pap smear, I don't want to talk about my weight with you."

-Weight is ALWAYS a sore subject, but it is especially sore after you know you've gained when you shouldn't have and you're not emotionally mature enough to handle this BS!!!-

Ok, so she insisted on talking about my weight over and over again. She told me I'm going to die early and that I'll never be happy as an overweight person. I started crying and continued to cry all throughout the pap. I didn't want her to touch me. I didn't want her to look at me. It was just a really awful experience.

It has been 5 years since that incident. I have kept my weight gain to about 30lbs since. Despite her rude ass comments and chilling demeanor, I have been happy. I can thank her for that challenge. I have cute clothes to wear and a plethora of friends and a loving, healthy boyfriend who is happy for me and supportive. I am in a good place, and I am FAT.

Because I'm in a good place, and have been for quite awhile now, I am so very excited about my upcoming sleeve gastrectomy. I want the tool. I can't wait to be healthier and more active. I'm happy I'm doing it now so I can finish enjoying my life. I would like to write that nurse practitioner a letter, but I'd have a hard time being nice!

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Age: 25

HW: 275

CW: 265

GW: 165

Surgery date: 3/30/16

I am reflecting on a moment that really hurt me.

When I was 20, I went on a crazy 8-month long diet. I barely ate 1200 calories a day and I worked out vigorously at the gym. I didn't care what kind of calories I ate (didn't care about protein) and many days I dipped well below 1200 just to see results. I went from 230 to 150 in 7 months. Every conversation I had was about calories and working out. People were worried about me. My face looked sunken in. I was starving. I started eating a more normal amount and continued working out. My weight crept up to 160. Before I knew it, I was back up to 180. As soon as I stopped starving myself, all of my weight came back. Well...

I had gone to my PCP at some point during my weight loss. They had a recorded weight of around 160 for me. I went in a few months later for a Pap smear- side note... My PCP is a wonderful man who has been seeing me since I was a child, however, other people in the office are not great- I decided I wanted the nurse practitioner to do my pap because I wanted a female. This was my FIRST PAP EVER! So... I was half naked on a table, terrified of what was about to happen, when this blonde, skinny, young nurse practitioner walks in. She was looking at my chart and she threw it down on the counter. She said... "Are you aware of how much weight you've gained?" I said "ummm I am here for a Pap smear, I don't want to talk about my weight with you."

-Weight is ALWAYS a sore subject, but it is especially sore after you know you've gained when you shouldn't have and you're not emotionally mature enough to handle this BS!!!-

Ok, so she insisted on talking about my weight over and over again. She told me I'm going to die early and that I'll never be happy as an overweight person. I started crying and continued to cry all throughout the pap. I didn't want her to touch me. I didn't want her to look at me. It was just a really awful experience.

It has been 5 years since that incident. I have kept my weight gain to about 30lbs since. Despite her rude ass comments and chilling demeanor, I have been happy. I can thank her for that challenge. I have cute clothes to wear and a plethora of friends and a loving, healthy boyfriend who is happy for me and supportive. I am in a good place, and I am FAT.

Because I'm in a good place, and have been for quite awhile now, I am so very excited about my upcoming sleeve gastrectomy. I want the tool. I can't wait to be healthier and more active. I'm happy I'm doing it now so I can finish enjoying my life. I would like to write that nurse practitioner a letter, but I'd have a hard time being nice! ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1457612962.058237.jpg

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Thank you so much for sharing and best of luck with your surgery.

Keep a journal handily, because I have found as I start eating cleaner, lots of feelings and emotions that I have buried will come up. It is a good idea to write about it, have a good cry, and let it go.

Do you have a counselor or therapist?

I highly recommend you find a therapist and a good support group (look for a bariatric support group and/or a 12-step recovery group like OA). They will be invaluable in helping you learn how to adjust to your new life.

Unfortunately, as you discovered, there is a lot of ignorance, ESPECIALLY in the medical community about how to deal with, address, and even talk about weight and obesity. Apparently, good listening skills and empathy are in short supply sometimes.

I wish you all the best with your surgery. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

When people make that comment I always say " so skinny people live forever " Most times it defuses the comment.

but you need to know that WLS does not fix the brain. That will be an ongoing process for the rest of your life. There is a high percentage of people who become addicted to something that takes the place of food. This is something to watch out for. WLS is not a miracle it is a work in progress for the rest of your life. Bad times and good times will follow you and no matter what you will still have body issues.

So what I am saying is fix the brain. How you think about yourself no matter what anyone says. This is about you and only how you can feel about yourself.

Good luck on your journey and much success is what I wish for you.

[JamieLogical 8,699]

Well, I don't think that nurse practitioner handled it the way she should have AT ALL, but I know that when I go for my annual well woman exams, they always at least mention my BMI and talk a little about weight loss, because for a lot of women, that is the ONLY time they go to the doctor every year. So that's their one opportunity to address a patient's weight. Clearly not the case in your situation, but that might have been why she brought up weight at all.

I am sorry you had such a traumatic experience. Pap smears are the WORST anyway. Having to deal with all of that on top of your first pap smear. Not fun!

I wish you much success with your upcoming surgery. I don't know your height, but our weight stats are very similar. My highest was 270. My weight when I began pursuing surgery was 260. My weight the day of surgery was 236. I'm a little over 18 months out and my current weight is 159. My goal was 165, which I reached right around the one year mark.

[ajbishop2 18]

RJ'S,

Perhaps you missed the part when I said this incident happened 5 years ago. I am not under any sort of impression that WLS is a cure or a miracle. I know what I need to do, and I will do it. I was sharing something that happened to me in the past that others can relate to. I am at the point where I am happy regardless of what others think... That is exactly why I shared this story. Thanks for your well wishes!

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[ajbishop2 18]

Inner Surfer Girl,

I am attending a support group already twice a month and meeting with a therapist once a month. I ended up really liking the guy who gave me my initial clearance so I just kept on seeing him! It has all been really helpful for me and less weird than I thought it would be. Thank you for the well wishes!

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[ajbishop2 18]

JamieLogical,

I am 5'6! thanks for the well wishes

Yes, it would make sense if she were my doctor and she hadn't seen me and blah blah but that wasn't the case, as you said. She was pretty awful and she didn't know when to stop.

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[JamieLogical 8,699]

JamieLogical,

I am 5'6! thanks for the well wishes

Yes, it would make sense if she were my doctor and she hadn't seen me and blah blah but that wasn't the case, as you said. She was pretty awful and she didn't know when to stop.

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Me too, so our stats really are VERY similar, other than me being 10 years older than you.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

ajbishop2 I know why you shared the experience. And your attitude is amazing. I was just giving a general thought about how you can get caught up what others think.

That woman had no right to treat you like that. But for some reason so many of them lack patient skills. They think they have the right to say anything. This is not so. But it is something we have had to deal with. It is the last remaining prejudice that has been left unchecked.

By the way. I remember saying similar comments like you made about knowing what to do and then doing it. I am not trying to say anything negative about anything. I am just gently reminding you that you are a human and we have a struggle that we will fight our entire lives. Even when we know what we are supposed to do. I am heading into my fourth year now and fight every day to do what is right for my health and well being. Some days are great others not so great. That is why I said what I said. I was speaking as someone who has been on the other side of WLS.

It was not meant in a derogatory way. It is simply the way it is. When you chose to write things on a forum like this it can be taken the wrong way. That was not my intention. I rarely post now for that very reason....

I want to say all the best and I am so glad you have the support you need. I did as well and it makes a huge difference when the fight begins.

Take care.

[ajbishop2 18]

Thanks RJ, I understand you now take care and thank you!

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