Mind games = my worst enemy

[sassyfrass23 525]

Yesterday marked 3 weeks until my "BIG" day. And I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I have always struggled with anxiety, and as I have aged, it has improved significantly unless something major triggers it. But even then, my rebound time is much faster than it was 5+ years ago. My coping skills have improved. Go me!

However, between the surgery being right around the corner, and a VERY stressful job...this little lady is all out of sorts. I tried the whole "retreat" mechanism which is my first instinct when things get tough. I shut down. I shut everyone near and dear to me out. And I process. And while I enjoy this option more, I know that it is unhealthy and what has played a huge role in my weight. Because while I am secluded in my own little world, all I need is me and my food. Gimme that chocolate and some of those potatoes. And I slowly begin to reappear, eventually. So here are my concerns:

-Work (stressful job + unhealthy relationship with a superior)

-Pre op and post op diet

(I've done the research. I have a ton of material from my surgeon's office. I truly am prepared. But I have totally allowed my mind to screw with me and convince me that I'm not. Anxiety, remember? I'm not worried about the length of the specific diets or stages or what I can or CAN'T have. I literally just feel like everything I've learned over the last 9 months has suddenly vanished. My diet starts Tuesday. So I plan to sit and dive right back into my manuals within the next day or so and re-educate/reassure myself that I do know and I do understand what I am to do.......)

-Energy levels after WLS (I've read where it is not uncommon to feel less than par for up to 6 weeks after surgery. Some sooner, some longer. I'm worried that I'm going to tire more easily and am concerned with how this will affect my job performance..if at all? I work as an IT consultant and we have multiple clients which include 3 hospitals + multiple physician and Lawyers offices. I am constantly on the freakin go. Work begins before I leave my house in the morning and continues after I arrive home. I am hands on and regularly crawling on the floor to look at/repair computers, servers, you name it. The one upside to my job is that I am on my feet more so than not. So, I'm always sure to average between 7,000 and 10,000 steps at work alone.)

-There are a few more concerns...but I'll stop there

So, my concerns aren't whether I'm going to lose fast or have excess skin. I mean...those are possibly there...but way way wayyyy down on the list. I'm mostly concerned about my emotional well being after surgery. I know that this is going to be as much mental...if not more...than physical. And I don't know whether to reach for a Xanax or a brown paper bag

I do know that I've got to get out of my head and some of my concerns are probably minute and a waist of energy. Which is why I am here. I know that I need to get these things off my chest and talk them out. Only then will I feel better and become more comfortable with what is about to take place in my life. So here is Megan...in all her glory....vulnerable and transparent. [patting self on back]

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[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

First of all, welcome.

Second, you're funny! And smart. I'm glad you're here.

Third, you're going to be OK. You're just going on an adventure that has a very happy ending.

Yes, there will be a few tough days in the beginning. And yes, you'll learn how to eat and drink differently and better and slower. And all that will change. Many times. (There are many phases to this whole dealio.)

But you'll be encouraged because you're a data-hound and, obviously, social media savvy. There's so much data available to you and so much support available to you here and elsewhere online.

I don't suffer from anxiety, so I don't know if this post is helping at all. But if you could go ahead and translate your anxiety into excitement, that'd be great.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Best of luck with your surgery.

Yes, it will be stressful and confusing for a while. I know that for about a month I didn't put anything in my mouth without first re-reading and consulting the food plan in my manual.

It is very possible that the first month or so post-op you may have low energy, and you may experience some emotional turmoil. My biggest mental issue post-op was just a general fogginess and lack of focus.

I encourage you to take as much medical leave as you are able. It will enable you to heal, adjust to your new life, rest, and get back to 100% sooner.

Your priorities will be staying hydrated, getting in all of your Protein, walking, and resting.

A couple of books I recommend you read based on your post: Eat it Up! by Connie Stapleton and The One Life Solution by Henry Cloud.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[James Marusek 5,244]

Almost 50 years ago when computers were young I worked on integrating computer systems together. It was stressful, because I worked far away from home, and I put in long hours, typically double shifts (swing and graveyard) 17 hour days, 6 days a week. I worked with a couple sets of contractors, one from Raytheon and one from Univac. I remember a young man from Raytheon had so much stress that computer handshaking logic became part of his dreams. He was from Boston but was detailed to California for over a year. He had a girlfriend on the other coast. In his nightmares, he dreamed that he was sending out RT's (Ready to Transmit signals) but his girlfriend was not responding with RRD's (Ready to Receive Data). [After 50 years, acronyms change and my memory grows a little fuzzy.]

So make sure you get plenty of rest and try not to have nightmares about your future weight loss surgery. Learn to manage and minimize stress - such as yoga classes, or drain it out of you through exercise. Listen to music. Weight Loss Surgery is a good thing. It can open doors that you never knew existed. Life is an adventure.

[Daisee68 2,493]

Welcome! And I agree you are going to do great! Being aware of the potential downfalls and having a plan is key (as it is for your anxiety which I too have issues with). I would agree that you should take off as long as you can to get you through the toughest part. Realize now that hormones play a mean role in the early weeks, so you can expect your anxiety (potentially) to increase temporarily (at least it did for me). I ended up upping my med (though mine is really for depression but same principle as far as emotional distress). Perhaps have a conversation with your doctor regarding anxiety meds before surgery so you can have a plan and perhaps be able to just call them if you feel you need an increase or something different than Xanax.

This is a wild ride and the first few months were rough for me, but at 9 months out and 128 pounds down (100 of that since surgery) and my diabetes in remission, I wish I had made the decision sooner and don't regret it for a minute. (Don't read my earlier posts though or you will see that I did regret it early on! )

Best of luck to you! you sound very prepared! Deep breaths and keep checking back here! There are some amazing mentors here (including all of above who have answered you already) who always give great sound advice and are great sounding boards!!

[HanSolo1977 261]

Welcome!

I can completely empathize with how you feel. I don't have a date yet but my anxiety is, I suspect, a lot like your critter (that's what I call my anxiety). It's going all over the place. One minute I'm ready, and say bring it on. The next I'm Oh **** what if it doesn't work, what if I gain it all back... and on and on.

Some of my coping mechanisms are not really working right now, but I'm working on new ones. I do a lot of deep breathing, also, my art supplies have been a blessing. Try to find some things to distract yourself...

And know you're not out here by yourself

[VSG AJH 499]

Thinking about you today, @sassyfrass23. Per your post, yesterday was your first day of the pre-op diet. How did it go? How are you doing now with your anxiety level? Have you been able to secure any medical leave for after surgery?

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[sassyfrass23 525]

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate all the responses and your checking in on me. I've said it multiple times before, but it is so nice to have a place to "fall" when times get tough. All of your responses definitely lifted my spirits and helped remind me that I AM human and I am valid in having a bit of worry. This is a huge life changing experience and I think it would be more concerning if I was taking it too lightly and without second thought.

Unfortunately...Not a whole lot of improvement with my anxiety. However, I have been able to narrow the culprit down to my job. I know my surgery and now the preop diet definitely do play a role in it, but the biggest issue I have is a coworker who I just absolutely cannot get along with. It doesn't help that he is one of my superior's. Double wammy! We had a bit of a spat in the middle of our department yesterday, initiated by him and he basically slit my throat in front of God and everybody. It IMMEDIATELY took me back to childhood and I responded without even thinking about the words that flowed from my mouth. Mind you, we are an IT consulting firm and we are always on site at one of our client's facilities. So, this mayyyyy have taken place in front of a few users on site. It wasn't a screaming match, but the change in tones and tension became very clear. I was later confronted by a lady who is like my "mom" at this site, who was concerned with what she heard. We'll call this superior 'P'. P hasn't spoken a word to me all day. When I spoke with the head honcho, 'G', of our company, he had only received HALF of the story. The half of which was only my response. When I shared the entire story which has witnesses, one specifically from our company, G, was appalled at P's behavior along with the fact that he deliberately chose to omit important facts from scenario.

It was horrible.

I went home. I cried. And I cheated. I cheated on the very first day of my liquid diet. I did so freakin well up until the time I arrived home....and I lost control.

So, my game plan is A- Get back on freakin track. Which I have done today. So so well!! And when I go home in the evenings, I am going to keep myself busy/occupied. My SIL and I are about to start a business together (have you noticed that I like to take off REALLY big bites....all at once? Not saying this is more than I can chew, because I truly believe I can handle both).....and I need to start prepping some stuff for that. We're going into the junkin' business. We buy antiques, repurpose them, etc etc. I make personalized wood signs and I believe if I focus my attention on those in the evenings, I'll have less time to think about all the things I'm missing.

If any of you are prayers, I ask that you pray for me....and my family/loved ones/co workers, etc...etc....

All I could think about yesterday was Taco Bell and cigarettes (I quit a year ago). I just wanted to the fattiest, nastiest taco and a big fat menthol cigarette to wash away my pain. A margarita would have been nice as well.

So here's to day TWO of FOURTEEN!!!! With all that I'm consuming, I feel like I should be a spokesperson for Premier Protein.

Mind

_______

Matter

Edited March 16, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

@@sassyfrass23, sending hugs and prayers. You have certainly had a rough time of it.

I know anytime I have gotten "clean" from sugar/carbs, my emotions have been very raw and close to the surface. Be gentle with yourself and try not to do anything or say anything rash.

It will get better.

You can do this!

[sassyfrass23 525]

Thanks, @@Inner Surfer Girl ! I'll take all I can get

Last night was a bit tough. I felt as if I was STARVING after I'd had my dinner and evening snack. So, I ended up putting myself to bed early to make sure I didn't submit to temptation. The struggle is real, ya'll!

However, I stepped on the scale this morning and was down 5 lbs. That's 5 lbs in 3 days. I was kinda shocked. And I know some of that is Water weight, but still...progress is progress!!!

I am seeing a change in my mindset as the days go on and the initial shock from day one of "liquids only" has worn off.

[Daisee68 2,493]

Hang in there sassyfrass23!! Once you get past day 3, it gets easier.

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Can you have sugar free Popsicles? Herb or Decaf tea? If so, then they make a great snack.< /p>

Don't be afraid to eat/drink what you are allowed to help get you through.

[sassyfrass23 525]

I am allowed both! I need to go to the store this evening and get a few more things. Here's what my daily intake has looked like thus far:

Breakfast- Premier Protein shake

Mid morning snack- SF pudding

Lunch- 1 c of Tomato or cream of chicken Soup (strained) + 1/2 c of cottage cheese

Afternoon snack- Another Protein Shake

Dinner- 1 cup of Soup + SF fudgesicle

Evening snack- SF Jello + Powerade zero

And of course, my 60-70 oz of Water throughout the day.

I can't tell if what I'm taking in is enough or maybe I'm depriving myself? Either way- it's a huge adjustment from my previous eating habits. I had improved throughout this process, but my portions were nowhere near this small... not at dinner anyways.

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am allowed both! I need to go to the store this evening and get a few more things. Here's what my daily intake has looked like thus far:

Breakfast- Premier Protein shake

Mid morning snack- SF pudding

Lunch- 1 c of Tomato or cream of chicken Soup (strained) + 1/2 c of cottage cheese

Afternoon snack- Another Protein Shake

Dinner- 1 cup of soup + SF fudgesicle

Evening snack- SF Jello + Powerade zero

And of course, my 60-70 oz of Water throughout the day.

I can't tell if what I'm taking in is enough or maybe I'm depriving myself? Either way- it's a huge adjustment from my previous eating habits. I had improved throughout this process, but my portions were nowhere near this small... not at dinner anyways.

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Is it enough? I don't know. What are your specific guidelines?

When you plug all that into MyFitnessPal what does it say your macros are? Protein, carbs, fats? How many calories?

Every surgeon's pre-op requirements are different.

[sassyfrass23 525]

Just following up...

Currently on day 6 of my my preop diet and things are definitely improving.

I continue to have small moments of weakness every once in awhile when the realization hits. Ya know the...

"I didn't eat that one last time..."

"I probably won't be able to stomach that after RNY..."

"I won't be able to CHEW food for 6 more freakin weeks..."

But my rebuttal to those thoughts are improving and my thought process is becoming more focused on the final goal. Which has definitely improved my strength and self control.

I am now officially in the SINGLE DIGIT count down. 9 days from today and I will be having surgery!! I have my preop appt at the hospital on Tuesday and should receive my time to report then!

One plus to this liquid diet...in 6 days I've dropped 10 lbs. I hope to drop a few more over the next 9 days to get my surgery weight down as much as possible.

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