Running dating experiments...dont worry, nothing negative

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So I am a trying some different approaches ,overall not ready to discuss as this just started...but I have a small example.

Last night I was on a second date with someone I like, but of course hardly know him yet. I sensed a certain cooling toward me by the end of the date. There were a couple of things that came up in conversation that I imagined could be the reason, but who knows. My old way would be to remain silent, and just see what happens..leave things in his court...if he didn't contact me, just let it be.

I decided today to do something different. I sent him a note telling him how I enjoyed myself (vulnerabilities in the face of sensing a cooling) and then asked him if he would teach me to gamble since I have no idea and want to check out Vegas. He responded enthusiastically with inviting me over, he'd cook dinner and to see if I have friends that want to learn too.

I have a guess at the"cooling"thing and we still havent kissed or anything, and this may not go anywhere, but I was pleased at myself for breaking an old pattern.

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[bikerchick519 202]

I think it's great when you take matters into your own hands and don't let the other person dictate what happens next. I'm all for asking what's wrong and finding out now rather than later if it's not going anywhere. Good for you for taking a chance and putting yourself out there.

[AvaFern 3,516]

Good for you for trying new techniques! I am totally not into the pursuit thing and like you, I tend to keep my distance, particularly if I feel like someone might be cooling off toward me. This is probably a "reject him before he rejects me" response, but it also makes me feel more in control when I am the one determining the distance rather than feeling like I'm being distanced. Enjoy learning to gamble!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

Maybe what you saw as "cooling" was his feeling more comfortable with you and starting to get past the initial "being on best behavior" stiffness/formality? He may also have been impressed by your taking a risk. Good for you.

Edited March 6, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well I think in general, I am not interested in pursuing someone who doesn't like me. That is my number one reason for leaving things be...and let him initiate something. ..or not.

I used to be shy and bookish. I had pretty low self esteen. I made friends with someone who told me she thought I was a snob - this was like Jr high but it reminds me that people are very prone to misunderstanding silence. It also occurred to me that the stakes are low... I can speak up and it didn't matter too much what his reply was.

I am not sure, but the cooling was definitely rightt after me not being avail Sar night...and happened within minutes of me ignoring a pretty strong sexual innuendo.

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Edited March 6, 2016 by CowgirlJane
Hi

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Ok, last night went on second date with someone else...dentist. nice man, good conversation but...we just met! Anyway he basically brings up having a standing date every Saturday, how our mid week communication should be etc. All very nice but heck we haven't done more than shake hands so not really feeling the "going steady" just yet.

I will say my whole different approach is resulting in different outcomes - but need more time before deciding if it is better.

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Did the dentist lay out his availability like that because of his work schedule?

When I was still in corporate America, I used to have to clarify my availability like that to people early on. I worked 60 hours weeks and if someone thought I was going to have time for dinner on a week night, might as well tell them early, I don't have the time.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think it was more like he wants a standing date on saturday night. Seriously, I felt like it was a junior high being asked to go steady. It was actually pretty sweet.

I made myself very clear that I am moving slowly, etc, and in terms of physical or other expectations no problem - so i thought we were on the same page. it occured to me that he imagines I am not dating others. We were standing in a rainy parking lot after a comedy show so it wasn't the best place for an in depth conversation, but I somehow need to get expectations sorted out. I am transparent and honest but i am becoming aware that some of the cultural background differences are showing up. I like being with him, and he seems very sweet and thoughtful, but I am not sure yet about anything - I mean seriously, we just met like 10 days ago and I do see a red flag that gives me a little pause (hardly ever sees family, including teen kids who are out of state and don't come here to visit - for me, that is a big red flag actually).

I don't want to hurt feelings or end things over nothing, but I need to find a way to make him understand that I intend to keep things casual, non physical for awhile. I have observed that not everyone likes that - which is why I tried to be so clear from the beginning.

Anyway, my experiment continues... although much curtailed by my intermittant health crises... sheesh... timing not so great.

[GibbsGirl 483]

First let me say I hope you are feeling better. Second thanks for being so honest and upfront about this, it is interesting on a human level but also very informative for someone like me who is looking to jump in the dating scene in the future.