spouse not supportive

[valzie 0]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have two young children together. I started my lapband journey in April when I went to my first informational seminar. He took me but refused to go in and listen to what they had to say. I thought, at the time, it was because he too was overweight and people might judge him and want to know why he wasnt interested in it himself.

Since that time until now he has been working out atleast five days a week and watching what he has eaten resulting in a 35 pound weight loss. He said that he will support me through this but he just hasnt. I had to beg him to go take off from work to go to the Bariatic Boot Camp that is required before I have the surgery ( We need to have our support person there with us.)

I guess my question is HAS ANYONE ELSE EXPERIENCED THIS????

Can I do this with the stress that I am under from my marriage?

Help:help:

Val surgery date Aug 13th

[valzie 0]

Any suggestions?

Val

[Texas_Mom_5573 0]

My husband has lost his mind after I got my band. I had my band done on June 29, 2007. He sets in front of me eating whatever, no mind how I would feel about it. I've controled myself very well. I've lost 33 lbs. He makes remarks all the time that really get to me but I won't show it, until this weekend. I had to go to my home town just me and 2 of my kids. When I got home he picked a fight and told me I should just take my a** back there and Accused me of sleep with my kids father while I was there. I have NEVER given my husband a reason to think something like that. It hurt my feelings so bad I have spoke to him since he said it. So yes I think the change can cause crazy things to happen!!

[Texas_Mom_5573 0]

I forgot to say I was at my husband father's house the whole time I was there.

[valzie 0]

I am sorry for what you are going through Texas mom. It just seems that he has been distancing himself from our family since I started this and it makes me so sad. I have stayed with my husband through many things that he has been through and I cant believe he wont be there for me when I need him the most. I have stood by him during his addiction and an affair.

I am so glad I have this forum for support. It has been a godsend!

Val

[KtKt 0]

My poor DH could use a LB himself... but he has way too many medical problems to even consider it... He is VERY supportive of me and did ask if I was going to go crazy and run off once I'm thin... (notice not "if" but WHEN I get thin - he has faith in me) We've been married 36 yrs... and I have WAY too much invested in him... he's stuck with me thru thick... now its time for the THIN! Men must worry about those things and take comfort in a wife's extra poundage...

Jealousy is an evil monster... very hard to deal with!

[valzie 0]

You are lucky to have so much support. I have a bad feeling that this may be the straw that breaks our marriage. I don't think he wants me to gain confidence in myself. So now that I am eleven days away from surgery I am very depressed not knowing where our marriage is or where is going to be afterward.

Val

[chickb13 0]

My husband is sort of supportive. One of his biggest fears is that I am going to lose weight and leave him (never). He likes to tempt me so that I will not lose the weight but I don't think it is mean, he just has a crazy fear!

[KtKt 0]

Val... so sorry you have this to worry about on top of the surgery... Is the marriage "ok/good" except for this topic (lap band)... or not? The LB is something you're doing for yourself... for a happy and healthy future. Doesn't he want to be a part of a happy and healthy future WITH you???

: ( HUGZ!!!

[valzie 0]

KtKt we have faced many problems in the past and things were OK until a few weeks ago and then it has been terrible since. He has been sleeping downstairs on the couch, staying out until 11 3 or4 nights a week ect.

Val

[Betsyjane 2]

I think adjusting to your spouse getting a band can really be traumatic, especially if a lot of your relationship revolved around food or around his feeling safe about you when you are big. We think a lot about what we have gone through making the deicision to be banded, and the spouses really don't have anywhere to turn to think it through. fRankly, if he leaves you because of your band, that's not why he left you.... I think as hard as it is to focus on him when you need the support, it might be worth a bit of reassuring him, telling him you love him, etc. My husband decided to be supportive by going on a diet, and promptly lost 20 pounds...show off! People just don't understand obesity. I hear a lot about family members who buy into the infomercials....just eat right and exercise...or you are lazy! I finally decided I would only tell people about the band if I had the time and energy to educate them fully so they would make a minimum of stupid comments to me....

[Chris61 0]

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years and we are going to do this together. We both need this tool. SHe has a few more medical problems than I do. She had talked about doing something but had not done anything untill I told her a couple of months ago that I was going to do it and I would like here to do it also. We are both supportive with each other on this. This last weekend I think sealed it for both of us in doing this was the fact that we went to Kings Island in Cincinnati and had some problems with getting in on a couple of rides with the kids. She has been having problems with her one doctor on getting a letter done the right way and I feel she is going there on Sat. to get all the information for the letter so the doctor will get it done since his people do not seem to understand what is required even with the draft letter and information we had sent. i had the same problem and had to do it also. I even told here I would go and take care of it for her if she wanted me to. We meet the doctor together and did all the pre-op requirements together. We go back on the 13th of this month and find out the results and then have the doctor submit the paper work. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your hubby comes around. I would even print these out and write him a letter if you are not able to talk with him about it. Thats what I did and look where we are with it.

Chris

Pre Band

St. Louis

Dr. Minkin

[Sula 0]

My DH gave me the go-ahead to do this as well. I had a hard time thinking I could spend that much of "our" money for just me. I'm a self-pay. He has been very supportive.

If I were you...I would find a time when there are no distractions in the room, and sit down with your hubby and ask him in a gentle way..."I've noticed that since I've decided to do this, we are having a lot more disagreements, I'm not seeing as much of you, ...., I feel like you are upset about this decision..can you tell me what is going on?

Or, you could schedule a couples session with a therapist (probably more than one!!) and work on it. He may need some assurances that you're still there and that losing weight won't make the difference....and eventually, explain to him that his current treatment, if it continues, might be the straw that damaged the marriage.

[derbygirl 0]

I think there are a few reasons why he's acting this way:

1. He is scared you'll leave him when you're thinner.

2. He wants to lose weight too but is scared to have surgery.

3. He likes you the way you are and doesn't want you to change.

I don't have any advice for you because I think before you can address the problem, you have to find out exactly what he's thinking. You may need professional help with him, but it sounds like he wouldn't go if you asked him to go.

What about a friend who is close to both of you? Maybe they can get him to open up and fill you in on what he's thinking.

[valzie 0]

I want to thank you all for the excellent advice that you have given me. My husband and I went out Friday night and have decided to go to therapy together. We have also scheduled a retroville retreat for couples in crisis next weekend. I have heard that it would be very helpful and there will be no distractions. The weekend starts Friday night and goes until Sunday afternoon. The only problem is I have to start my liquid diet on Sunday for surgery on Monday.

Please send prayers!

Val