Who you were, who you are, and who everyone else sees

[SassyNanny 311]

I had something oddly similiar happen with a work colleague. ok, i have been with the same company for decades, some people i only see every few years so I KNEW there would be a lot of comments and attention. i felt that these people had accepted and been good to me when obese, so I had no bad feelings about being tolerant of their adjusting to my new look.

However, one lady was over the top. So, after the first few encounters, i started to lose my good feelings toward the "I need to read your badge to prove it is you" or "this can't be real" or "omg, Jane was kidnapped and replaced by this hot chick". Its not that the words were that rude, but it was always in a public, professional work environment at alarming volumes. She frankly, was acting kind of nutty and it made everyone uncomfortable. Finally, someone ELSE told her to let it go, get used to it kind of thing.

sometimes people just say things in an obtuse way and they didn't really mean it like that - it is more like shock. The reason some people giggle at terrible news, it is like an involuntary response. It probably says more about that person than it says about you.

Anyway, what you will find, much like Ann mentions about the stages, is that this big change in appearance is an adjustment for you AND for the people around you. but, at some point in the future, people won't even remember.

I dug out a "before" photo for my sons about a year ago. They were both silent. They both looked a little distressed even. One of them finally spoke up and said "I don't ever remember you looking like that, I knew you were overweight, but in my mind you have always been beautiful like you are now". People's brains and memories are a funny thing. I can hardly remember being like that too - it is like memories from another life. I self identify so much with my current look and body that it is kind of surreal for me to look at my own before photos as well.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Your boys comment made me tear up.

I know that my friends have always thought I was beautiful. Along with me, they will get to see a smaller version of my beauty and will be excited for that gradual unveiling.

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[butterfly23 423]

@@Cervidae thank you for this, as always I am inspired by your writings.

I can really relate to your post, especially this part: "It made me feel like I've been fooling myself by finally feeling like I can go out in public and my fatness isn't a glaring thing that offends the precious eyes of all the judgmental assholes that feel entitled to stare at me and make comments like I'm less than human, all because I'm fat."

I sometimes feel this way too and in some ways have had to work harder at not worrying about what others think than when I was over 400 lbs. I want validation from those whose opinion I value because damn, this has been hard work (and I still have so far to go!)

Regardless of your boyfriend's mother's intentions or impact, I hope you feel the incredible success you have achieved and will continue to achieve. It is moments like this that give us a chance to further our healing so that we can thrive, and it seems like you have done that by reaching out and telling your truth and getting the support that I wish she could have given and that you deserve.

Thanks for being an inspiration to me and many others on this site.

[Cervidae 2,389]

@@butterfly23 thank you so much! It makes me so happy to hear that I've helped anyone in any way. The people here have been so kind and helpful to me, and I really want to return the favor. Stay healthy and happy!

[Patti66 11]

Which surgery did you choose?

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[Cervidae 2,389]

@@Patti66 if you're asking me, I chose the RNY. I had it last August, so I'm now 6.5 months post op.

[Patti66 11]

What is RNY?

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[mngreeneyes 674]

What is RNY?

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Roue n Y - Gastric Bypass.

pam

[Patti66 11]

Thanks Pam, me too

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Hopefully soon

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[katanne 215]

I think most thinner people honestly don't know how backhanded their compliments are, e.g., "Wow, you've lost a TON of weight!" and "You have such a pretty FACE." They haven't walked in our shoes and just can't see it. It sounds like she's been supportive of you before, so I would look at those actions rather than her probably unintended insensitive words.

[foodfighter78 258]

I was thinking about this the other day: why people have to put a label on each other? When I was large everyone in my family was concern about my health and outside Beauty, so I was fat, "pretty face"but fat. My sisters make fun of me because of 5 kids I was the only big one. My brother in law one time told me if I was your husband I would go and sleep with another women ( he is an asshole ) now that I lost all the weight I'm too skinny, I look like a zombie, I look sick, skinny is not always beautiful. My sisters are competing with me, going to the gym like crazy. Eating Protein Bars to replace a meal, and ask me: how much you weight??? They will never know. Then they say: you have a skinny butt it's not good need to have some meat not only bones. Etc etc etc

People who just meet me for the first time don't know about the surgery they said. You look great. The change its hard on people. They have to judge you no matter what. Jeoulosy ? Concern? Stupidity?? Who knows but guess what I had surgery for myself I don't care is others opinion, it's their problem not mine.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Part of our own transformation is to learn to be comfortble in our own skin. i can assure you that when my skinny minny girlfriend is told she is too skinny, she just nods and smiles as she is polite. It is her body and other people don't really get a vote and she doesn;t give it another thought. Just to be clear, she is healthy, just a skinny person and everyone seems to have an opinion. I have said it before, people that I meet NOW tend to think i am just right because it is all they know... it is only people that knew me obese who seem to think I am too thin/too fat or whatever....

I sometimes feel like I am too big because I wear a med top and recognize how much smaller so many women are. But truth of the matter is that we are all built differently and as long as you look healthy, and natural for your frame, people don't see you as too heavy or too light - unless they knew you before that is!!!

It is very freeing to just know you are fine and the other stuff rolls off a bit easier.

[2twinkle 86]

So one of my best responses was from a 9 year old grandson who said "Yeah, my grandma USED to be bigger."

It felt like he was confirming his relationship with me, we love each other not matter the size. I always tell him when I notice he has grown. He is now taller than me and quite proud of it.

When folks say "Wow, you look great!" I say "Thank you!"

When folks say "You have sure lost some weight!" I say "Yes. I have."

Two more great moments that I treasure are when on separate occasions two women I truly admire told me

"I really like your style!" I felt so honored.

[dtan 10]

A0

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[Cindi_Augustine 99]

I agree in feeling as though she was just trying to wrap her head around it. In our society talking about someone's weight is seen as taboo and rude, which just adds to how most people get so obese before they get help. Everyone aids in the denial. So, when someone mentions our weight we flash back to bullying and the hurt feelings rush back onto the person who might be trying to help.

Give her time, and the benefit of the doubt, change the subject or be open and have a full out conversation about it. It can be very therapeutic and make the relationship stronger. Something to think about.