Who you were, who you are, and who everyone else sees

[Cervidae 2,389]

Hello bariatric pals.

Today, my boyfriend's mother drove up from Philly for her sister's birthday here in Rochester. I always felt that she was supportive and non-judgmental of me. She was there on the day of surgery, helping me and taking care of me. When I first told her I was planning on having surgery, she seemed sort of baffled but still tried to be supportive and encouraging. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving, which was 40-50 pounds ago, and I was excited to show her all the progress I've made.

I THINK she was trying to compliment me, or at least comment on how much I've lost. I'm almost positive she did not mean to be cruel or hurtful. But what she said was "you were VERY LARGE" - and she said it 5 times throughout the conversation. As though the only thing she could comment on was that I was VERY large and now I'm only LARGE. That she had to repeat that same phrase 5 separate times, but never once said I looked good, or I'm doing well makes me think that I couldn't possibly look as good as I finally convinced myself I look. I almost wish she had said nothing at all. That would have been less hurtful than being reminded that even though there are 165 pounds between that VERY large person and the person I am today, I will always be that girl. It made me feel like I will only ever be "442-pound Abby". It made me feel like I've been fooling myself by finally feeling like I can go out in public and my fatness isn't a glaring thing that offends the precious eyes of all the judgmental assholes that feel entitled to stare at me and make comments like I'm less than human, all because I'm fat.

Am I ever going to escape her? Am I ever going to be treated like a person with talents and dreams and desires, or am I always going to be a VERY LARGE person? Is the hate and stigma surrounding fat people so intense that my entire personality is negated by my looks, even though I no longer look ANYTHING like the girl I was a year ago? Do the people in my life have this set image of me when my weight was out of control, and is that image ever going to change? Or am I just fooling myself?

I guess I'm just looking for... support? Commiseration? A shoulder to cry on? I thought I was past feeling like this, like I'm not worthy of feeling good about myself and the enormous amount of effort I've put into my health.

But today, I feel like I'm all the way back at square one.

[James Marusek 5,244]

My wife was organizing the photograph albums the other day. She came across a photo of me from several years ago. She rushed over and said "you have to see this - I hardly even recognized you".

Give it a little more time. You have lost 125 pounds. Congratualtions.

[gowalking 10,790]

Abby....take it from someone like me, who's been 'normal' sized for a few years now...you will hear things like that more than once. No...she did not mean to be cruel or unfeeling. She was just reiterating how you've changed (on the outside).

Most of us did not realize how large we were just as many of us don't see how smaller we get over time. Some of my friends and family....who never said anything derogatory about my size while I was heavy, have since told me several times that there is such an enormous difference from when I was 'heavy', 'obese', 'large', etc. Take your pick...it all means the same thing.

When one is morbidly obese, it's all most people see...not the person behind the weight, but the weight itself. It's not fair, but it is what it is. Forget about what she said and let it go. I believe it was her way of giving you a compliment and it sounds like she is supportive so give her the benefit of the doubt.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

I'd grant her some grace. She's seen you twice now since your surgery. I'm betting that the difference in you is huge, and she's just trying to wrap her mind around it. I'm betting your size wasn't really an issue for her preop, and it isn't your size that is the issue for her now, so much as she's trying to process the huge positive change in you.

It's hard enough for us to wrap our heads around our new selves, and that's a process that takes a lot longer than the weight loss phase. Imagine what it's like for those around us to process. What if she didn't really notice how "large" you were preop and is only now beginning to understand it?

[SassyNanny 311]

We were fat. We maybe still are fat. It's a process. It sounds to me like she was kind to you when you were larger. She knows you've lost a lot of weight and yet you are still large. Might be she is trying to reconcile in her head just how large you once were. We really have to try and not be thin skinned about the truth of our size. Most people are not cruel. The ones who are need a kick in the ass. She wasn't being cruel.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited February 26, 2016 by SassyNanny

[glitter eyes 1,398]

First of all congratulations on your weight loss!! You are doing amazing. Sometimes it's hard not to let people's comments get us down. But like others have stated she might not have meant it in a negative way. Since she hadn't seen you in a while she might just be shocked. I remember after I first got to my goal weight I would even be shocked when I saw myself sometimes. It's unfortunate that she didn't phrase it in a nicer or more polite way.

I know in my experience people's comments have varied widely. However, most seem supportive but some people have a better way of expressing it.

Hang in there you got this!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Here's how I think about these feelings throughout the weight loss phases .... Y'know how when newbies are in their first week post-op and say things like this:

"Am I ever going to be able to drink Water again?"

"I feel like a failure -- I haven't lost any weight yet?"

"Will the gas pains ever go away?"

"Has else anyone ever regretted having WLS?"

A few months down the line -- when we can drink again, have lost XX pounds, have forgotten about gas pains, and our only regret is not having had WLS earlier -- it's hard to remember our early concerns.

I expect that in a few months, a year, or two or three down the road you are going to look back on these feelings (if you even remember them) and regard them the same way.

This journey is so long. We encounter so much tough territory. And then we leave it behind. Last month's mountain is forgotten when we look up at the next one.

It's good to feel what we're feeling and call it by its name.

As a friend keeps saying, it's all good.

[needtorecover 574]

I don't think her intentions were cruel - it just sounds like she was astonished at how different you look. She likely didn't notice how big you were before because she just knew you as YOU, and that you were a big girl.

The first time I lost weight (hooray ephedra) people kept telling me "Wow, you used to be SO FAT!" Um... thanks? I expect I'll get that, and worse, as I lose weight now. I don't think people feel like these comments are offensive - many think they're compliments. Go figure. My cousin said to me "You're actually really pretty!" B*tch.

You're doing great - you have a lot to be proud of. Keep on keepin' on! You won't always be "Fat Abby" as people get used to the smaller version.

[mngreeneyes 674]

None of my friends and most of my family never commented on how big I was before surgery. Occasionally at work I would get the "you look great in that" or "that outfit looks nice on you" comment, but no one ever told me I was big. Was that because I live in Minnesota and they were being "Minnesota Nice" or was it because they didn't notice or because it didn't matter? I'm not sure I care why they didn't.

Before I had surgery I didn't tell a lot of people. A few select coworkers, a few select friends, and my parents and brothers and their families. I just didnt' want to risk the comments. Coincidentally, no one tried to tell me I was too small for surgery! They all were very supportive, except maybe my parents, but that's another story.

I have now hit more than 55 lbs lost and yesterday two coworkers that I hadn't told about my surgery commented. One, who I suspect has heard, got on the elevator and did a double take. She said she almost didnt' recognize me because I was melting away before her eyes! (she can be really snarky so I was shocked at her comment!)

The second was a coworker who I know lost about 40 lbs a few years ago with low carb and exercise. He and I have lots of mutual friends outside of work and have always been really friendly. He just came out and asked, "have you lost a bunch of weight?" Then he said, that could have been a bad question! I told him about surgery and we talked about our respective journeys. He showed me photos of him before the weight loss. I didn't' know him then. I wouldn't have recognized him. Then he pointed to my photo from new employee orientation 3.5 years ago that was hanging on my file cabinet. He said. "That doesn't look like you anymore!" I hadn't looked at the photo recently and he was very correct.

My point with all of this is, I am learning to accept everything as a compliment now because even my snarky coworker could have meant it snarky, but she was still noticing how much I have changed, at least externally! She will likely never know how much I am changing internally and that's just fine. Someday we will look back at photos and people will say "I cant' believe that's you" because all they know/remember will be the healthier version of your former self and they will say similar things to what your BF mother said. Its the truth and its not that there is anyway we didn't know it about ourselves, I think its also a testament to how other people saw us even before surgery.

We often feel invisible to the world when we are big, but to most of our friends and family, we are and were just us. My nephew who is 7, before surgery, told his mom that he didn't want me to have surgery because he didn't want me to change. He liked me just the way I am. (I am the favorite aunt and he is precious!) I have seen him several times since surgery and he has had no complaints! I have more energy to play with him and his sisters. We have always gone on walks together, but when I was there in January, I went on THREE walks so that I could hang out with each of the kids separately! We used to just go on one walk all together! We went sledding, we played outside, we had a blast.

Surprise does weird things to our filters. Like my coworker who realized AFTER he asked me about my weight loss that the question might have been ill-advised, sometimes our mouths engage before our brains do. If there is one thing I am learning more and more every day, it is that I can't control what other people say or think. I can only control my reaction and my interpretation is a part of that. I "decide" everyday that I am going to put the best spin on everything that comes out of other peoples' mouths. (I don't succeed, but practice makes perfect!) Remember, people show a more honest view of themselves by their actions than their words. It sounds like actions should be able to show you what your BF's mom really meant. Believe her!

Best and congrats on your weight loss,

pam

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I had something oddly similiar happen with a work colleague. ok, i have been with the same company for decades, some people i only see every few years so I KNEW there would be a lot of comments and attention. i felt that these people had accepted and been good to me when obese, so I had no bad feelings about being tolerant of their adjusting to my new look.

However, one lady was over the top. So, after the first few encounters, i started to lose my good feelings toward the "I need to read your badge to prove it is you" or "this can't be real" or "omg, Jane was kidnapped and replaced by this hot chick". Its not that the words were that rude, but it was always in a public, professional work environment at alarming volumes. She frankly, was acting kind of nutty and it made everyone uncomfortable. Finally, someone ELSE told her to let it go, get used to it kind of thing.

sometimes people just say things in an obtuse way and they didn't really mean it like that - it is more like shock. The reason some people giggle at terrible news, it is like an involuntary response. It probably says more about that person than it says about you.

Anyway, what you will find, much like Ann mentions about the stages, is that this big change in appearance is an adjustment for you AND for the people around you. but, at some point in the future, people won't even remember.

I dug out a "before" photo for my sons about a year ago. They were both silent. They both looked a little distressed even. One of them finally spoke up and said "I don't ever remember you looking like that, I knew you were overweight, but in my mind you have always been beautiful like you are now". People's brains and memories are a funny thing. I can hardly remember being like that too - it is like memories from another life. I self identify so much with my current look and body that it is kind of surreal for me to look at my own before photos as well.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

This thread started with sadness. But I am just loving some of the stories that have been told along the way here.

[AnA92212 577]

First, congrats on the loss! I think for for those who only see us occasionally, our loss is so dramatic that they don't know what to say. I will say that at least she said something to you. My own mother (who has berated me about my weight my entire life) did not say a word to me. I saw her for the first time since I had my baby (and the surgery) and said nothing. When I last saw her I weighed 290 pounds. When I saw her at Christmas I weighed 155. Not one word did she say. My own mother!! Keep up the good work. Ultimately, we are doing this to better ourselves.

[Loudy227 96]

Once I lost over 100 lbs on a diet. My best friend's brother said, "You sure look better than you used to!" My friend was mortified. But I knew he was a nice guy and it was just a poor choice of words. Still it makes you think, what did people used to think about me? It especially stinks if you gain the weight back like I did.

[Cervidae 2,389]

Thank you for your responses and stories, everyone. I feel so much better today. I'm thinking my distress at her comments was a mixture of my own self-consciousness, the fact that this whole thing is already a huge emotional roller coaster, and the fact that my hormones are completely insane right now for multiple reasons.

You guys always know how to fix my perspective when it gets topsy turvy.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Actually, @@Cervidae ... I think the credit goes to you.