Trying not to be angry

[salmon77 25]

@@salmon77 sadly too many of us are familiar with how you are feeling. Words bite and the emotional toll they take on us through out our lives is great.

My mother was a heavy woman, I never knew her to be slim figured. She was always obsessed with her weight and eating. I was a very thin child, and I hated to eat. In fact Breakfast lunch and dinner times were often the worst times of the day for me. They always involved some kind of argument about me not wanting to eat or not finishing the food on my plate. All of these things and more created scars in my emotional psyche.

My mother died when I was 26 years old from a brain tumor. I don't think she ever realized how damaged she was as a person when it related to her own sense of self esteem and self worth, and how she pushed her issues onto me. As I grew up those words and deeds stuck in my mind and in my head, and soon I was battling my own demons.

I was the overweight mother calling her 10 year old son Super Chunk! Telling him he was fat and lazy and he needed to get up off his duff and move or he was going to be fat as a house! My middle son was overweight as young boy, but OMG did I just say those things to him and when did I turn into my mother?!

Right there I caught myself and put a stop to that! If I had to be like my mother let me find the good things about her and not the negative ones. My children didn't need to have my issues revisited upon them.

When I reflect on life, I can clearly see how I became overweight, how I became obese and why. I know we all blame our parents...but in this mine have some responsibility because they were never evolved enough to see that their issues weren't mine it was theirs.

Thankfully I was able to break that cycle and while my older son's battle the bulge they do so in a healthy way. They are slightly overweight but they are not obese and when they find their pants are a bit snug they know they need to cut back on the overindulgence rein it in and get a bit more active. They keep a balance to life I still struggle to find with my own, but I do have peace of mind that my struggle is mine and I didn't whip them into obesity with it.

I'm glad you were able to own up to what you were doing and correct the problem. It's very brave of you to admit that. Thank you!

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[Alex Brecher 10,512]

@@salmon77,

There are some people you just can’t tell off. They just don’t get it, and it’s like talking to a wall. They can make you feel terrible, and you can’t turn the tables because whatever you say doesn’t get through to them. I have a feeling your mother may be that type of person. What I’ve found is trying to “handle” anyone who makes inappropriate comments about weight is a waste of energy, and worse, it makes me feel even worse because I realize I’m never going to get through to them..

Sorry, I don’t have any good ideas for you besides to try to stay away!

[FinallyFit50s 202]

@@salmon77 As someone who has dealt with this issue and broke the cycle with my own daughter, I'll put in my two cents worth. SELF-CARE. By that I mean that you will need to do what is right for you. Be it by having some distance from your mother, seeking therapy (professional or girlfriends) or having a discussion with her. You need to decide what is right for you, and that is to also be willing to know that whatever you do decide to do, you feel comfortable with.

For me, there was and is no use in trying to discuss things that have hurt me with my mother. I have explained things until I was blue in the face to no avail. Actually at one point, she made me feel like it was my imagination!!!!

What I have done is to learn to love my mother AS SHE IS. That means that when she brought up my weight or body, I would change the subject EVERY time. I will not debate, argue, agree or anything. I will simply discuss something else as if my mother had never mentioned anything. My mother does not "know" about my surgery, I feel she suspects it, but I won't discuss it.

It took me years to realize that the mother I wanted, yearned and dreamed of was NEVER GOING TO BE. I'm 51 and my mom is 71, while my weight was always in the forefront, as a teenager, and into adulthood, it isn't any longer. I realize now that I'm blessed to still have my mom. My mom is proud of me for so many of my other accomplishments. As for my body...it's mine, and not up for discussion.

I pray you find a peace for yourself and in your dealings with your mother.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

I didn't have a mom growing up but I had my dad and he was always on me about my weight he would call me fat and take away food if he felt I was eating too much

[Smitty42 10]

I have no idea the relationship between a mother and daughter but I suspect this has nothing to do with your weight. If it wasn't your weight, it would probably be your hair, or your teeth etc. People who typically do this are lashing out at you due to their personal inadequacies. Real or not. Perhaps her mother was very judgemental to her or her husband or someone else may have told her she was a bad mother and she sees your perceived flaws as her fault. Women are such beautifully complicated human beings. I pray you can show your mom some extra grace, as difficult as she can be. I pray you can let the words of hurt that have been spoken to you, drift away with the weight. I don't know you but you are such a strong person by getting this help to change your life. Forgive often, love without prejudice, and live life with no regrets! I wish you the best.

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[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Smitty, I'm guessing you're not someone's daughter.

[Smitty42 10]

No, I am not. Did I post something stupid?

Edited March 2, 2016 by Smitty42

[Valentina 2,642]

No, I am not. Did I post something stupid?

No, Sweety. You said it all just right.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

No, @@Smitty, you didn't say something stupid.

[CBT 450]

I was remembering today how my mother berated me about being fat. My entire life. (Mind you she was 98 pounds.) The memory today was how she took me shopping to buy jeans and nothing fit me, "you're too fat. You're embarrassing me. I hate taking you shopping." Yea, she is not in my life. I'm a healthy and well adjusted and totally at peace. Sometimes these memories arrive to remind me how much healing I really have done.

Edited March 9, 2016 by CBT

[finallyfree! 84]

Smitty, will you marry me? Uh oh, guess i am too old for you but with an attitide like that, i would snatch you up in two seconds flat!

[finallyfree! 84]

Ooops, cultural difference here. I wondered why a word was ** out and after so e thought realised that a perfectly normal word for me (in Oz) has a different meaning in US, gulp. The word meant similar to grabbed. Now i am putting both feet in my mouth! Basically you sound a nice human, and let's leave it at that.

[yaya78 2]

I had a similar issue. As a child I was slightly overweight maybe by by 15 to 20 lbs. My mom use to say things like you would look so pretty if you loss some weight. At 15 I became bulimic and was close to causing permanent damage on my body. My mom was so proud of my new body and she didn't realize that I was slowly killing myself to please her. I dealt with an eating disorder for years until I made the decision to stop. That was 22 years ago, since than I have gone from a size 0 to 24. My mom still says negative comments to me all the time. I know she doesn't mean harm, is just that in our culture women are supposed to be well kept. I started this journey at 300 lb. I am now 286, my surgery is scheduled for the 24th of this month. I have not said anything to my mom and I'm not planning on it. This I'm doing just for me and I'm ok with just me knowing about it. What I'm saying is your mom will probably never change, so you just need to accept that and do this for you. Hopefully, soon she'll come around.

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[Renkoss 420]

I grew up chubby...I have two sisters and both were very thin when we were younger. I heard "you have such a pretty face" from everywhere. I knew the rest was "if you just lost some weight...". I guess that would have made me a beauty like my sisters then. I grew up believing I was not as good as either of my sisters because I was fat.

My Mom tried to always put me on a diet when I was a young teen; probably around 11-13 years old. I know she meant well, and she didn't want me to suffer the mental abuse from being chubby. But, it was so difficult because I would see both my sisters eating stuff I wanted to eat too. I never held it against my Mom though. She was chubby pretty much after she had us 3 girls, but I loved her so much. I would let her put me back on those diets if she were just still here. My Mom passed away 11 years ago this May from end stage renal failure from diabetes. That is why I'm having this surgery; my need is not to be skinny...just healthy. The skinny part is just a side benefit.

I am so sorry that so many of you grew up with a Mom who berated you for being overweight. It makes my heart hurt because even though I didn't have that from my Mom, my Dad dislikes fat people, and I did feel the beratement from him. Maybe not as severe as some of you, but enough to hurt and scar.

[lifeofblair 308]

I think my mom had a mom that was concerned about weight. It caused my mom to not help me when I was younger and doctors told me to lose weight. She'd say that I was fine when I wasn't. I'm glad she did berate me about my weight but I also kind of wish she helped me get healthier as a kid. But that's in the past and she was supportive when I had the surgery so all is fine.