Relationship/Marriage after the sleeve

[ANewMe16 42]

Touchy subject, but does anyone feel like they may not want to be with their spouse after surgery, losing weight and gaining some self confidence? I was once thin, gained weight and now want to get back to thin. It's obvious that my husband does not like fat women but the way he treats me sometimes and makes me feel badly about myself has changed the way I feel about him and wanting to continue our marriage. Has anyone else dealt with the this before or going through the same/similar situation? I know his actions are abusive but sometimes it's extremely hard to get out of something like that.

Edited February 23, 2016 by ANewMe16

[RoscoColetrain 103]

In my opinion, humble or not, don't stay and be abused in any way.

And thats what treating you badly and making you feel bad is. Don't kid yourself about it.

[ANewMe16 42]

Absolutely it's abuse. It's hard to walk away though. Especially if you already have low self esteem and things like that.

Edited February 23, 2016 by ANewMe16

[2goldengirl 2,076]

The sooner you remove yourself from abuse, the sooner you begin to heal. It IS that simple. Abused parties commonly imagine barriers to escaping abuse that can seem practically trivial when viewed from the perspective of life after some healing happens.

Self esteem issues don't get better by staying with an abuser. Making positive changes in your life that empower you, rather than belittle you, does. Every small step you take to care for yourself, to respect yourself, to treat yourself with kindness, helps you in the long run.

Good luck to you!

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Abuse is abuse and shouldn't be tolerated.

As for relationships and WLS... Even strong relationships can be tested by the changes that come from major weight loss. Formerly comfortable spouses/partners may feel threatened by their newly trim SOs who have more self-confidence and feel more appealing than before. Those of us who have lost weight, need to recognize the pressure this can put on them, and make sure we keep reassuring them that we love and value them and have no interest in moving on from the relationship, no matter how much flattering attention and how many compliments we may receive. It can be really hard on our spouses/partners as we transition into "someone new" and they may fear that we will change in other ways, including how we feel about them. If we want to maintain our relationships, we need to make sure they know that we still find them attractive and that we love them unconditionally (assuming that's true). This is a bigger deal than most of us realized when we decided to have WLS. My wife suggests that bariatric doctors should provide information about the strain it can put on marriages and relationships as part of the pre-surgery education process.

[ANewMe16 42]

Abuse is abuse and shouldn't be tolerated.

As for relationships and WLS... Even strong relationships can be tested by the changes that come from major weight loss. Formerly comfortable spouses/partners may feel threatened by their newly trim SOs who have more self-confidence and feel more appealing than before. Those of us who have lost weight, need to recognize the pressure this can put on them, and make sure we keep reassuring them that we love and value them and have no interest in moving on from the relationship, no matter how much flattering attention and how many compliments we may receive. It can be really hard on our spouses/partners as we transition into "someone new" and they may fear that we will change in other ways, including how we feel about them. If we want to maintain our relationships, we need to make sure they know that we still find them attractive and that we love them unconditionally (assuming that's true). This is a bigger deal than most of us realized when we decided to have WLS. My wife suggests that bariatric doctors should provide information about the strain it can put on marriages and relationships as part of the pre-surgery education process.

i personally feel like my husband was nicer and an all around better person when I was thin. Once I got pregnant and gained weight he started to change. I know that once I lose the weight he will be that person he was, but I'm just not sure that I want to be with someone who would treat me differently for vanity reasons. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at all here.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

It happens all the time.

http://www.thehotline.org/ This website has all kinds of resources that will be helpful.

A book that helped me get my head on straight is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patrician Evans

[ANewMe16 42]

It happens all the time.

http://www.thehotline.org/ This website has all kinds of resources that will be helpful.

Thank you

A book that helped me get my head on straight is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patrician Evans

[Dub 9,922]

I wouldn't presume to understand all the dynamics at play in your marriage but can only say that I am sorry. There is no excuse for an abusive spouse. Heavy, thin or anything in between.....simply doesn't make it okay for that type of behavior.

I've yet to see a perfect marriage....anywhere. I've known of some great ones, however, even they have challenges to work through. I'll wager the strongest marriages occur when both parties see, understand and value facing those challenges together in a mutually supportive way.

When it comes down to it, though, I can only speak from my own personal experiences.

You mention a low self esteem. I can relate to that very well, as can many here. I've been there and been there for a long time. It does shape the way you view yourself and it certainly alters your acceptance of behaviors in your spouse.

If being overweight is one of the major factors in your lowered self esteem then you can certainly expect there to be some changes to occur in your level of acceptance and overall reaction to your spouse. You could, as I have, hide these feels for the most part.....mull them over....kick it around in your head and chose not to reveal them. At some point it will surface and you'll be faced with dealing with it. You will have to reconcile how the new you feels and what your ultimate wants and needs are.

For me it is fairly simple. I want a wife who is passionate and loving. A woman who is self assured and proud of her accomplishments and embraces life's challenges head on. A sense of humor but yet the ability to seriously plan and organize resources as needed.

I can say that there will be a number of changes that emerge along the path as your body makes it's changes. I didn't have the foresight to anticipate many of these changes. I jumped into the wls ring in order to fight the physical pains that were due to being too heavy. Much of this has improved as the fat has diminished. I wasn't expecting the self worth and sense of pride to soar like they did. I simply had never acknowledged they were low in the first place. I was just living my life with blinders on.....going through the daily routine in sort of a black & white movie sorta way. It's all changed now. Life is now like HD TV programming. Bright, vivid, bold, enticing. Everything is different, but mostly in a good way. I badly want to grasp the things that were slipping away. I want to experience life on better terms. I no longer limp around and endure the days......I stride with purpose and enthusiasm towards whatever is next.

I was the guy in the initial wls seminars who shook his head in disbelief when the lecturer made statements on the alarming statistic of divorce among wls patients. They even did a mock division of the people in attendance....portioning off most in a visual way and proclaiming them the divorced people. I shook my head in disbelief and kick the silly notion to the side and went on to focus on the other information present on the types of surgeries available and the life changes inherent with each.

I now no longer shake my head in disbelief. I better understand those statistics yet I fight becoming part of it.

My best advice is to give yourself a period of time to heal, recover, lose, change and discover your new self along the way. Don't try to make any big life decisions for a period of time......be them relationship, job, moving, big purchases, etc. Take inventory of your needs and wants and see where you are. It is a process. Only you will no if this is 6 months, a year, two years..... Only you know what defines abuse or what defines simply not being fulfilled in your marriage. Abuse is a different story, though. That must be addressed immediately in many cases.

[ANewMe16 42]

I wouldn't presume to understand all the dynamics at play in your marriage but can only say that I am sorry. There is no excuse for an abusive spouse. Heavy, thin or anything in between.....simply doesn't make it okay for that type of behavior.

I've yet to see a perfect marriage....anywhere. I've known of some great ones, however, even they have challenges to work through. I'll wager the strongest marriages occur when both parties see, understand and value facing those challenges together in a mutually supportive way.

When it comes down to it, though, I can only speak from my own personal experiences.

You mention a low self esteem. I can relate to that very well, as can many here. I've been there and been there for a long time. It does shape the way you view yourself and it certainly alters your acceptance of behaviors in your spouse.

If being overweight is one of the major factors in your lowered self esteem then you can certainly expect there to be some changes to occur in your level of acceptance and overall reaction to your spouse. You could, as I have, hide these feels for the most part.....mull them over....kick it around in your head and chose not to reveal them. At some point it will surface and you'll be faced with dealing with it. You will have to reconcile how the new you feels and what your ultimate wants and needs are.

For me it is fairly simple. I want a wife who is passionate and loving. A woman who is self assured and proud of her accomplishments and embraces life's challenges head on. A sense of humor but yet the ability to seriously plan and organize resources as needed.

I can say that there will be a number of changes that emerge along the path as your body makes it's changes. I didn't have the foresight to anticipate many of these changes. I jumped into the wls ring in order to fight the physical pains that were due to being too heavy. Much of this has improved as the fat has diminished. I wasn't expecting the self worth and sense of pride to soar like they did. I simply had never acknowledged they were low in the first place. I was just living my life with blinders on.....going through the daily routine in sort of a black & white movie sorta way. It's all changed now. Life is now like HD TV programming. Bright, vivid, bold, enticing. Everything is different, but mostly in a good way. I badly want to grasp the things that were slipping away. I want to experience life on better terms. I no longer limp around and endure the days......I stride with purpose and enthusiasm towards whatever is next.

I was the guy in the initial wls seminars who shook his head in disbelief when the lecturer made statements on the alarming statistic of divorce among wls patients. They even did a mock division of the people in attendance....portioning off most in a visual way and proclaiming them the divorced people. I shook my head in disbelief and kick the silly notion to the side and went on to focus on the other information present on the types of surgeries available and the life changes inherent with each.

I now no longer shake my head in disbelief. I better understand those statistics yet I fight becoming part of it.

My best advice is to give yourself a period of time to heal, recover, lose, change and discover your new self along the way. Don't try to make any big life decisions for a period of time......be them relationship, job, moving, big purchases, etc. Take inventory of your needs and wants and see where you are. It is a process. Only you will no if this is 6 months, a year, two years..... Only you know what defines abuse or what defines simply not being fulfilled in your marriage. Abuse is a different story, though. That must be addressed immediately in many cases.

Thank you Dub. This is is probably the best advice I've received to date about this situation. It's a lot to think about.

[WorkinOnMe 596]

@@Dub ... as always, right on!

[downsizingdiva 459]

if they aren't nice to you at your worst....they don't deserve you at your best....