female only How to help my daughter

[songsmith 334]

My daughter is firmly in the overweight category. She's never had the weight problems I have. I have never ever ever ever spoken to her about size or her weight or anything else. (I blame my borderline mother and her competitive body analyses for many of the underlying emotional problems I developed with food, so I have always been determined not to do the same thing to my girl.). She's a picky eater, but she also eats plenty of fruit and veggies that she likes. She's the only person I know who hates potatoes and corn (well, she likes French fries). But she loves green Beans and broccoli.

I think we have a terrific relationship. We share common interests. She's smart and funny and I'm so damned amazed I produced someone like her. I'd say she was switched at the hospital but her brow line is definitely her dad's, so I guess she belongs to us.

She was a petite child, but hit puberty early and is blessed (?) with huge breasts just like her mom. She wore a size 8 throughout school. Then she started college and went to a 10. Now she's a 12 and (I suspect) soon will be a 14. I remember how I started out "okay" and slowly gained.

I do encourage her to find an activity (she's away at college) she thinks is fun because I never found one when I was her age and regret it now. It'd be fun to call a friend for a game of tennis, or wall climbing or biking or dancing or even walking. I did apologize to her for having a fat mom who never felt well enough to do some of those fun kid things with her.

Mainly, I think she needs exercise and to not eat as much junk. She's developed a muffin top. I say nothing, but I fret. I don't want her to be in my shoes 20 years from now.

Right now I plan to continue to say nothing and hope that as my weight comes off (and maybe as I even get down to her size) she'll do the comparison herself. I think it makes things worse when you talk to someone about their weight. It feels like criticism and puts the other person on the defensive. Besides, she's stubborn as I am and would probably dig in her feet and do just the opposite of anything I suggested!

Then you have that weird mom/daughter dynamic. You know how sometimes it doesn't matter what you say to your daughter, they will misread it?

Guess I just want to hear thoughts. It's not like she's home any longer to bear the benefits of the meals I'll be fixing. She's already flown the nest. And I worry. What can I say? I'm a mom!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

This is a tough question. I am not a mom, but I am a daughter and I know first hand what a mine field food and body image issues can be between mothers and daughters as well as fathers and daughters.

As a former college student and also someone who has worked with a lot of college students here are some of my initial thoughts.

College is the time when she really does need to learn what works for her. Trying new things and making mistakes is part of the process.

Some of the danger areas related to weight gain as well as other risks that I see in college are: excessive drinking, lack of sleep, learning disordered eating behavior (dorms and sororities can be really dangerous places for anyone who is susceptible to eating disorder behavior), freedom to eat or not eat whatever or whenever you want, and lack of money/scarce funds.

College is a time where she is learning to be independent. A parents role shifts from that of close supervision to trusted advisor. (That shift can be smooth or rocky depending on a lot of variables.)

Good habits like a regular exercise routine, time management, and nutrition skills and knowledge can be helpful. What she has learned up to now and what she is learning in school both formally and informally will come into play.

In my opinion, many of the key success skills related to succeeding in college are time/life management/balance issues.

What can you do?

I think the best thing you can do is love her, and be supportive in a nonjudgmental way. Instead of focusing on what you think she should do, work on developing an open and honest dialogue with her. Be honest about what you are going through: struggles and successes. Listen carefully to what she is concerned about but instead of telling her how to handle something, help her to explore solutions. Some recovery phrases come to mind: Your role as mother is shifting more to that of trusted advisor, so sharing your experience, strength, and hope is what is important.

Hopefully, as she sees the changes you have been making and the results from those changes, she may be interested to learn more about what is working for you. Be open and honest but try to resist the urge to tell her what she should do.

I know how hard it is to refrain from advice giving and try not to do so unless asked.

But, look for openings when she is genuinely interested to talk about what you have learned along the way, whether it is related to nutrition tips or even sharing an easy recipe that you found that might be easy to make in the dorm, etc.

I know this is disjointed. After thinking about this more I may have more thoughts.

I would love to hear what others have to say.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

You're not her. You can't live her life. And you shouldn't even try!

You need to leave her alone. Her weight is not YOUR problem, even though you seem to think it is.

And it may not be a problem to her.

I think you're reliving your own problem and seeking relief from your own anxiety.

[James Marusek 5,244]

Sorry I can't think of anything. Perhaps if her college is not too far away, you might invite her to attend a Bariatric Surgery Support Group Meeting. Drag her along. It might give her a window into your world and someday in the future she might climb through the same window on her own.

[Babbs 14,681]

As someone who has an overweight daughter and obese son (both grown), here's my advice:

Say nothing and just lead by example.

Both my kids know they are overweight, as did I. I was ready to do something about it when I myself was damn good and ready, not because someone else told me I needed to. Pointing it out does nothing but make the other person feel even worse about their weight. Imagine if someone took you aside and said "We need to talk about your muffin top".

No. Just...no. Accept them for who they are.

[gowalking 10,790]

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My sister is morbidly obese and even with my success losing my excess weight, she has not decided to do anything about her weight issue. Truthfully, I am hoping that I don't hate her if she dies before her time because of her obesity. I expected to grow old with her and now I don't think that will happen. I love her and don't want to lose her but I can't call her out in any way regarding her weight. She knows how heavy she is and she also understands that it's impacting her life span. That she chooses to do nothing to change that is something I cannot address without her feeling like I'm chastising her. So..I say nothing and hope she makes the choice herself to lose weight.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

If your daughter is aware of having gained weight through the years, you can say nothing. As common wisdom dictates, there's is no need, no point, and no good end to telling a person what she already knows. She's an educated woman who has had enough exposure in all quarters to know the story. That said, if she brings up the subject, all you talk about is weight and good health being intertwined, nothing about appearance, societal pressures or the rest. If she broaches those aspects, however, speak frankly from your own perspective and experience. Someone above suggested "dragging" her to a WLS group. Nay, no inviting, no dragging, no suggesting. To do so would suggest you think she's a surgery candidate and, moreso, smack of Marley's ghost or the ghost of Christmas future -- gloom and doom. Any discussion must be upbeat and positive.

Only if and when she initiates. You know this, momsmith, and I suppose that that's the crappy side of being a mother.

[songsmith 334]

Thank you, everyone. I feel better about my say nothing, do nothing, be an example strategy. I do have anxiety that she might repeat my mistakes. Then again, she hasn't gained a horrible amount over the years. Maybe this is where she's comfortable.

I had a mother who told the Size 10 me that I was as big as my 350 lb aunt, who used to buy my aunt's used clothes and force me to wear them (the tops at least). It worked because I was so large breasted. She's why I have never discussed my daughter's weight with her. She is beautiful at any size. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER will I be my mom.

And I'm gonna borrow her clothes once we're the same size. If she's nice, I might let her borrow mine.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Modeling behavior seems like the best tactic. I have two sons - a naturally skinny one and one that has my genetics. Well, the one prone to being heavier has never been obese, but he was a little chunky when he was younger. Since my surgery 4 years ago, he has slimmed down. He managed that even while living in dorms and eating the crappy college meal plan. In fact, he petitoned to be allowed out of the dorms before the mandatory one year because he wanted to be able to cook his own food - a healthier diet!

The fact that I no longer eat dessert daily, no longer buy junk and focus on Protein and veggies has helped him alot. I don't have the big costco muffins on the countertop. I hate to admit it, but I think I was a little bit of an enabler to everyone else over eating too.

He is a big man - well over 6' and built like a football player, and so he can eat way more than I do and remain healthy, but I am very pleased to see that his weight has not exploded, and that he is in fact slimmer - he is 23.

My sons are both mid 20s and I am surprised to notice that some of their pals from high school are getting overweight. It's like the video game generation of young men aren't out there hiking and playing sports, they sit on their butts and work and for leisure and are developing the middle age spread decades before their time.... my sons are active an trim, although not athletes. I keep fingers crossed that they don't suffer from obesity in their lives.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

My stepdaughter is in her mid-twenties. When she was in HS, she became underweight - she feels stress as nausea and it did a number on her in those days. She now weighs 50 lbs. more than she did then and says (in much the same way she insisted that her weight was "fine" when she was younger) that she's happy with her curves. Both her parents are overweight and she has those genes. She's probably 20-25 lbs. more than would be ideal for her.

The only thing I've focused on with her is wearing clothes that fit. I bought her some work pants and a couple shirts for working in the scene shop that really fit and that she can move and handle tools in. She nearly cried. Clothes made for looking cute just don't cut it for stooping, squatting, lugging sheets of plywood, and wrangling flats. I lay on the compliments when she looks nice, and keep my mouth shut when she doesn't.

She knows I'm having surgery, and why. She's totally supportive. She comes to me for advice about fitness, as neither her mom nor her mom's wife are so inclined. If she asks about food/nutrition/weight, I'm there for her, but as a stepparent, I have to tred even more carefully than a parent.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

You could have a heart to heart talk to her. Be supportive of all her accomplishments but let her know that she may be at a pre-disposition to being overweight or obese thanks to genetics.

I tell my children to learn from my experience and not to overeat (also to eat healthy most of the time and eat a balanced diet) so they do not develop a weight issue when they are older the way I did.

I explain the health aspects, mental and physical issues I endure(d) due to obesity so they don't (hopefully) repeat them.

I don't want to scare them or have them worry, but their "Fatty", I mean "Daddy" is only saying this out of love so they don't repeat what I did.

As already mentioned, lead by example.

Keep up the great work.

PS, you list your location as "STATE OF CONFUSION". Does that mean you live in California?

Edited February 22, 2016 by 4MRB4PHOTO

[naturegirl 320]

Our kids are elementary school aged, but our oldest is overweight for her age, and we have had discussed the need to change her habits because we don't want her to be obese like we were. We're an honest household. Sorry. As yours is an adult you there is nothing wrong IMO about having a friendly conversation about whether or not she's finding activities to keep her busy while i n school. At the very least you;re learning about what she's doing. Now if you want to encourage her to be active you might suggest the two of you sign up for a fun activity like a color run and train "together" for accountability. While you might use it more for your motivation to be healthier, it could be a request for her help to keep you going.

[songsmith 334]

Our kids are elementary school aged, but our oldest is overweight for her age, and we have had discussed the need to change her habits because we don't want her to be obese like we were. We're an honest household. Sorry. As yours is an adult you there is nothing wrong IMO about having a friendly conversation about whether or not she's finding activities to keep her busy while i n school. At the very least you;re learning about what she's doing. Now if you want to encourage her to be active you might suggest the two of you sign up for a fun activity like a color run and train "together" for accountability. While you might use it more for your motivation to be healthier, it could be a request for her help to keep you going.

I do ask her about activities and gently encourage her to keep up with them. Funny you mentioned a color run. There's one that will be about 6 mos. out from my surgery. I already asked my husband if he'd do it with me and was thinking about asking my daughter. I honestly think if she found something active, the problem I see on the horizon will be gone.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Our kids are elementary school aged, but our oldest is overweight for her age, and we have had discussed the need to change her habits because we don't want her to be obese like we were. We're an honest household. Sorry. As yours is an adult you there is nothing wrong IMO about having a friendly conversation about whether or not she's finding activities to keep her busy while i n school. At the very least you;re learning about what she's doing. Now if you want to encourage her to be active you might suggest the two of you sign up for a fun activity like a color run and train "together" for accountability. While you might use it more for your motivation to be healthier, it could be a request for her help to keep you going.

I do ask her about activities and gently encourage her to keep up with them. Funny you mentioned a color run. There's one that will be about 6 mos. out from my surgery. I already asked my husband if he'd do it with me and was thinking about asking my daughter. I honestly think if she found something active, the problem I see on the horizon will be gone.

I hope to do a color run (or walk!) this year. My sister's best friend started a benefit color run after the death of her daughter so I have been wanting to do it since the first one. I hope to be able to participate this year.

[Nurse_Lenora 903]

One thing I did its to use the same app.

Jawbone has an app I have linked to my Apple Watch that tracks steps and I can monitor my friends steps. We can start "step wars" and see who wins.

It's a fun way to stay accountable and still get in exercise every day

It's also a fun way to "check in" with people who don't necessarily live close to uou