A barrage of appointments tomorrow.

[Rebel Ray 0]

Hello all,

I hope the following makes sense it's a long one!

I've been up since 2am. I haven't been able to sleep for long the past 2 nights. I'm excited, nervous & scared for what's to come. Approval and When are a two of biggies on my mind.

I'll be 52 yrs in March. I've been overweight since the age of 19 and obese after my first birth at 21. I've lost and gained, but mostly gained throughout my adult life.

I'm 5'4" and my highest "recorded" weight was 240lbs. I went on Belviq a year ago and it worked for the most part. I lost a total of 30 pounds. I had to stop taking it though because my Dr only allowed 7 months of it. As soon as I stopped the drug my insatiable hunger and food obsession came back. I climbed back up to 230lbs within 3 months.

My Dr suggested WLS last year but I was against it. I didn't know about the sleeve then and watching my sister navigate bi-pass surgery the past 13 years made me determined to do it on my own. Then I met someone in December that had VSG done. She looked great, was beaming and couldn't say enough good things about VSG. I researched it and a month later found myself at a seminar. I finally found what I believe is right for me.

Tomorrow, February 18, 2015 are my first real appointments. I live 2 hrs from the Hospital and Surgeon (Swedish Hospital, Seattle) so they booked my consult with the surgeon, dietician, psych, EKG/vitals/pic and nurse coordinator appointments on the same day, one after the other. The Matrix appointment they call it.

I was told, by the scheduler, that Medicare doesn't require a pre-Dr supervised diet. All I needed was a letter from my Dr stating necessity, BMI over 35 and one co-morbidity. (My other insurance, through my husband, doesn't cover any weight loss ANYTHING. I guess they're banking on me dying first...nice)

Anyway-

I have high cholesterol and osteoarthritis. The other stuff I have is "pre" and doesn't count. (Diabetes, high blood pressure).

I'm praying that what she (scheduler) told me is right. It's a long drive and I have to pay for an appointment that's not covered plus all the co-pays. I'd hate for it to be for nothing.

I guess there's a fear in the back of my head that's saying

"You're always going to be fat.

Why would this work out for you. Everything else failed."

Then I also have glimmers of hope. Visions of me in the future healthy, smaller. A knowing that I'm going to be smaller and it will all work out.

I just want to stop thinking right now. I can't wait until after tomorrow so I know where I stand.

I've gone through an array of emotions.

Like,

Disappointed-I failed at losing weight. Why couldn't I do it.

Ashamed-I can't tell people about surgery, can I? I am not prepared for comments of:

Just eat less. Exercise more. Surgery is the easy way out. If you want to be thinner cut down on your dinner. Why don't you try...

Anxious-How am I going to navigate eating. Will it hurt more than I can deal with.

Sad-I'm a foodie and adore cooking and creating recipes. Food is very social.

Grief-I can never eat that again??? Nervous-No more chugging ice cold Water. (I'm a water guzzler). Take small bites, slow eating and chew, chew, chew. What if I forget?

Ugh. Honestly, I feel stupid even writing this.

On the upside I'm looking forward to never getting moo'd at again in a parking lot or over hearing nasty remarks about my size. Being told you're so nice too bad you're ugly. If you were just skinny you'd be ok.

Wow, I've been holding on to those for a long time. ????

How about a cheers to letting that shit go, finally buying clothes I like and getting my life back!

Thanks for listening. I'm not usually such a downer.

[Canuimagine 8]

Don't feel stupid! I know I had all of these emotions (plus some, I think LOL)! It certainly helps to write down our emotions and "get them out". From what I've read, these feelings are normal and expected!

Congrats to us for finally making a stand towards being healthy...it has been a long road to make it this far (started in August, surgery scheduled 3/1), but I keep telling myself the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. I still have to remind myself that life as I knew it is over, but that life was one that had me at almost 300 lbs. UGH! This new life seems to speak to a different relationship with food - which in my case is a good thing - not the addiction I have lived with for so long.

I wish you the very best on your journey - you can do this!!!

[msjg46 39]

@rebelray - I know I was afraid right up to the IV in the arm and being wheeled into surgery. I wanted to say never mind.... glad I had drugs to keep me on the gurney - LOL

As Canuimagine said, you can do this!!!

Find a gym to go to strip you of the stress and just walk on the treadmill for 10 mins.

The only food I miss currently is relish and nuts. You will be able to eat all foods again, just wait and enjoy the here and now.

Good luck and smile... you will be one of us with the secret to love life and food the correct way!!

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

All the emotions you are going through are perfectly normal and we have all been there or are there.

As for disappointed by previous failures...try ecstatic over successes these days.

Ashamed...tell who you want to and keep it to yourself if you want. The surgery is a tool, you will still eat right and exercise so share your story with who you want. I haven't told everyone for that reason, I only told most.

Anxious...fear of the unknown is real but you can do this. We are all here with you! Follow your plan and make the most of your post-op time. It really isn't that bad I promise!

Sad...for sure there is some mourning of food. It doesn't mean you can't have it in moderation but I figure why go back. The emotional part of eating is what we need to lose along with the pounds. I would suggest you take your love of cooking to find ways to make healthy dishes. There are some amazing things out there you CAN have!

Grief...yeah there are things we shouldn't eat but if you have to and you can do it have one bite. If not let it go, that food isn't your friend and got you here.

Nervous...I have been chugging ice cold Water for some time post-op so no worries, you will be able to once healed!

Hope that all helps even if just a little. You will do fine and be amazing! Except for the amounts I eat, I really don't even think about the surgery anymore, I am focused on getting to goal and exercising.

Journal these feelings and look back in several months after surgery. You will see how far you have come and see it is okay. Good luck!!