Ok, bit the bullet and ordered the book

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I keep hearing about that "act like a lady, think like a man" book. Reading the reviews it doesn't really sound like my world view (the tired saw that all men are dogs). Hell, at my age I am pretty stoked to find a guy who matches my libido...but I digress. since what I have been doing is no longer working for me, I am gonna change things up even if I have some doubts about the underlying premise.

The big mistake I make over and over is narrowing to one person too quickly, I lose interest in meeting anyone else. This has resulted in a few relationships over the last few years, none of them lasting more than 3-4 months and i am tired of it. (Not entirely true, had a pretty long relationship with someone who was supposed to be a more casual thing - weird, huh?)

I realize this is starting to impact my feminine self esteem even though I have been just as likely to end things...more like I just am tired of getting to know someone, they impact my life and then are just gone. I don't take losses well, even unimportant ones like breaking up with someone I wasn't in love with.

This wasn't my experience when I was young so I guess I am finally taking seriously the advice EVERYONE has given me and when I am ready to "try again" to avoid this pattern. What the heck, nothing to lose - I am going to do the thing where you see several people and wait for months before exclusively dating any one person. Is this what people call serial dating - a term that makes no sense to me bit I have seen in guys profiles "no serial daters". Me, I am just trying to avoid serial killers, I have very reasonable standards.

Here is the thing I keep wondering about people who date 3-5 people (the members of the pool most likely change quite a bit until you find a serious prospect ) - how on earth do you have time? I mean I figure you need to see a person at least 3x a month so they remember you, right? That is alot of dates.

Do you move toward going "dutch" in this situation? Men always pay for dates in my experience unless I specifically am treating them, but I would often cook or do things like that. I guess I am wondering what people think is typical.

I am just trying to figure out how to actually do this thing I said I am going to do. Hope the book comes with an instruction sheet.

I predict that I will start going to meetups, fire up an online profile etc in March. so far, getting dates has been no problem, but finding love has been quite elusive. ....

I have another change I need to make but I am not yet sure how. I need to learn how to flirt better. I mean with complete strangers - I have this terrible habit of avoiding eye contact or smiling at someone I find attractive - I think i send out "don't come near me" signals sometimes. I am not a shy person so it is quite specific to men I find interesting, you know at the store or out at a dance or something ...maybe remnants of my history of feeling bad about my looks???

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[Miss Mac 6,262]

I think you will find it to be surprisingly helpful. Years ago when I was between marriages, I came across this book:

Date Like a Man: What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out

It's basic premise was to show women how to juggle "a pair and a spare" and to just enjoy dating without focusing on the unforeseeable future.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

The guy who suggested this on his "game" site is a cad, but I think his advise was spot on...he suggested setting a goal of 10 approaches to someone of the opposite sex a day and record them. What went right, what didn't. And he suggested approaching people you really are attracted to, people out of your league and people you are not interested in. The idea was this will build your confidence over time.

There was an unexpected side benefit, it helped me at work and being more social. So just a suggestion. If you are going to think like a man, try looking at some of the guys sites who try to teach guys how to "score" with women. There are nuggets of information about how to meet people. Helps you see it from a guys perspective. (Yes I looked at the women's sites trying to figure them out too).

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

@@CowgirlJane

"Hell, at my age I am pretty stoked to find a guy who matches my libido...but I digress."

I hear you! I am also guilty of narrowing the field down too soon as well. For instance, I am currently seeing this guy about once a week. He is a busy professional. I am in the middle of tax season. I happened to notice that he is still active on the dating site we met on (I see his name listed as online almost daily) Do I take that as a sign that he is less interested in me? I have friends telling me that is reason to kick him to the curb. I really like him and confronting him about it is not my style.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Ok just one question. ..who has time to approach 10 people in a day. And this sounds really bad, but it would be an amazing week if I saw 10 in a week I was interested in....

The guy who suggested this on his "game" site is a cad, but I think his advise was spot on...he suggested setting a goal of 10 approaches to someone of the opposite sex a day and record them. What went right, what didn't. And he suggested approaching people you really are attracted to, people out of your league and people you are not interested in. The idea was this will build your confidence over time.

There was an unexpected side benefit, it helped me at work and being more social. So just a suggestion. If you are going to think like a man, try looking at some of the guys sites who try to teach guys how to "score" with women. There are nuggets of information about how to meet people. Helps you see it from a guys perspective. (Yes I looked at the women's sites trying to figure them out too).

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

The book is terrible. Steve Harvey uses his relationship with Marjorie as the blueprint, totally glossing over she was holding on out giving him the "cookie" to get him to leave his current wife at the time. The book also revolves around the premise that men don't have a lot of dating options and that is flat out not true.

Even though you are older than me and this book and the advice would apply more to people in your age range, it doesn't. It is totally outdated.

The fact that men can date on the internet changes everything. Even the old and not that cute or financial stable men have options far beyond whatever they would have had in the past, that makes it harder to get them to act in any sort of normal predictable fashion. Which you already know based on what you have posted about dating guys on this site.

I would say never go dutch until you are in a serious relationship and you need to make things fair and balanced. In the beginning you can learn a lot about a man by what kind of date he takes you, how he pays, how he tips, and how he feels about you never finishing your food (learned that the hard way).

If you are dating 3-5 people at a time. I used to do it a lot when I was in my 20s and I dated a lot, they weed themselves out. You don't usually have that many ball in the air in the same week. Someone is going to eliminate themselves this week, and someone else is going to rise in the rankings and you might meet someone new that week. It doesn't take a lot of time from a female point of view because most men, especially the ones you meet online are full of it. Keep the text light basic and simple and move it to meeting in person ASAP. This helps weed out the married ones, the fakes, and the ones just looking for penpals, and lastly the cheap ones. If you are meeting them online the first "date" is going to be coffee, that doesn't take long.

At most you have probably 2 guys to go on dates with in any given week. One you are going to like more or click with more and that will be a long date, the other one will be short, you lower the shorter dates ranking in the rotation, or never see them again and look for a replacement. If a guy is willing to see you on a Saturday night, that can mean something. Saturday night is the bigger party/going out night. If a guy is out and on the prowl, they are less likely to give up a Saturday night for date, when they can use Saturday night for more prospects.

It is a huge time sink even if you date like you are creating a fantasy football team. I decided to chill on actively seeking someone until I get past goal. If I meet someone on accident that is fine, but I don't have the time to dedicate to weeding through men looking for a unicorn.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I probably never thought about but one of the first men I dated (who moved away!) told me I was never allowed to pay, and it has always been that way.

And you are right - everyone has so many "choices " at the click of a mouse ... it isn't very conducive to giving any one person a chance.

I guess online has improved access to lots of people but it doesn't look to me like it has improved actual relationship building.

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I wrote my reply and the app updated and so I'm writing it again.

The app update is awesome.

Anyway, it used to be that men only had access to women they could see or touch. Now they have access to thousands of women, real or imagined. All the women they may think they have access to may not entertain them. The prevalence of porn does not help either but that is even a longer topic.

So this whole concept of withholding from a man and dangling your self in front of him as some special prize won't work. There are plenty of women with no standards for them to choose from so you have to work harder to make yourself seem more appealing. Withholding sex is pretty meaningless at this point, this isn't the 60s.

The 90 day rule is ridiculous and out dated for this reason and it is the whole premise of the book. And a guy who is seeing more than one woman can easily wait you out for 90 days on sex, it will just be a game for them. That isn't the way to weed out players. It takes more work.

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[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I haven't had a big problem with "players", with the exception of the married guy I met out dancing(still irks me). It's more like I need a better way to sample more"dates" before getting involved. I am not talking about physical I am talking about the "sorting" process. I have been told by many that i should date for months before really spending much time with any one person. This just isn't my history, it doesn't come naturally to me so making a conscious choice to approach it differently.

The problem for me is that I don't like dating -ie spending time with strangers. I don't find it exciting. So I will meet someone that I can really talk to, that our minds work enough alike that it goes easy. Then, I stop seeing anyone else...and so far this has led to nothing very long term, for a variety of reasons.

I think most people know this, but I married my high school sweetheart. I was divorced in my 30s and only single for 2 years before entering into a LTR, but not married. He is a good man, I still love him, but we are better friends then life partners. Bottom line, this crazy world of a million first dates is not my history or preference.

I talk about the negatives but I have made 2 long term friends ( met but didn't really date) and the man that moved away who I would be with in a heartbeat except for the distance thing. I have also had lots of fun dating, but I am just ready for something else....

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I wrote my reply and the app updated and so I'm writing it again.

The app update is awesome.

Anyway, it used to be that men only had access to women they could see or touch. Now they have access to thousands of women, real or imagined. All the women they may think they have access to may not entertain them. The prevalence of porn does not help either but that is even a longer topic.

So this whole concept of withholding from a man and dangling your self in front of him as some special prize won't work. There are plenty of women with no standards for them to choose from so you have to work harder to make yourself seem more appealing. Withholding sex is pretty meaningless at this point, this isn't the 60s.

The 90 day rule is ridiculous and out dated for this reason and it is the whole premise of the book. And a guy who is seeing more than one woman can easily wait you out for 90 days on sex, it will just be a game for them. That isn't the way to weed out players. It takes more work.

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Had not read the book, but what you are saying is accurate. First hand experience. Very deep dating pool and many options (more if you are not picky about conversation). I like the point about the man paying. That is one area I am highly old fashioned on and I think a woman has control issues and is not ready for a relationship if she insists on paying (and that test has been proven correct every time it has happened).

I make roughly the same as my girlfriend, and while I pay for the meals and buy tickets she makes up for it in the long run by picking up occasional big ticket items. So neither of us feel dependent on the other nor used. But I always consider it a privilege to pay though I know she could.

Very interesting point about trying to float several guys at once. BTW guys know when they have been put in a holding pattern by a woman who is juggling several. If we stick around consider it a compliment because we think you are worth it.

[cookarue 233]

I liked the book "why men love bitches". Very funny, and well written. It helped me to not give so much of myself over. You might like the Steve Harvey book also. It's funny, and he makes some good points. So, read on up! It's good for the soul...

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I know exactly what you mean. I just want some simple companionship. I met someone we hit it off and I focused all my energy on the even though I knew better, because I don't have a ton of free time and dating is exhausting.

When I start dating again, even if I end up dating one person at a time, I am not going to see them more than once a week for a while, so things don't accelerate too fast. Seeing someone multiple times a week accelerates the whole thing and creates false intimacy.

Then after I met this guy, I deleted all my dating profiles too soon. I should have kept seeking people longer.

I don't have the solutions more than anyone else, but I know dating one person at a time is a recipe for disaster.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I wrote my reply and the app updated and so I'm writing it again.

The app update is awesome.

Anyway, it used to be that men only had access to women they could see or touch. Now they have access to thousands of women, real or imagined. All the women they may think they have access to may not entertain them. The prevalence of porn does not help either but that is even a longer topic.

So this whole concept of withholding from a man and dangling your self in front of him as some special prize won't work. There are plenty of women with no standards for them to choose from so you have to work harder to make yourself seem more appealing. Withholding sex is pretty meaningless at this point, this isn't the 60s.

The 90 day rule is ridiculous and out dated for this reason and it is the whole premise of the book. And a guy who is seeing more than one woman can easily wait you out for 90 days on sex, it will just be a game for them. That isn't the way to weed out players. It takes more work.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N920A using BariatricPal

Had not read the book, but what you are saying is accurate. First hand experience. Very deep dating pool and many options (more if you are not picky about conversation). I like the point about the man paying. That is one area I am highly old fashioned on and I think a woman has control issues and is not ready for a relationship if she insists on paying (and that test has been proven correct every time it has happened).

I make roughly the same as my girlfriend, and while I pay for the meals and buy tickets she makes up for it in the long run by picking up occasional big ticket items. So neither of us feel dependent on the other nor used. But I always consider it a privilege to pay though I know she could.

Very interesting point about trying to float several guys at once. BTW guys know when they have been put in a holding pattern by a woman who is juggling several. If we stick around consider it a compliment because we think you are worth it.

They totally know they are competing after a while and that makes them compete. That is a better way to learn their interest and intentions than trying to make them wait for sex.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Ok just one question. ..who has time to approach 10 people in a day. And this sounds really bad, but it would be an amazing week if I saw 10 in a week I was interested in....

The guy who suggested this on his "game" site is a cad, but I think his advise was spot on...he suggested setting a goal of 10 approaches to someone of the opposite sex a day and record them. What went right, what didn't. And he suggested approaching people you really are attracted to, people out of your league and people you are not interested in. The idea was this will build your confidence over time.

There was an unexpected side benefit, it helped me at work and being more social. So just a suggestion. If you are going to think like a man, try looking at some of the guys sites who try to teach guys how to "score" with women. There are nuggets of information about how to meet people. Helps you see it from a guys perspective. (Yes I looked at the women's sites trying to figure them out too).

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Don't miss his point...it's not just those you are interested in...it's getting confidence and practice. But possibly it's easier for a guy because you might attract "boy barnacles"

[Stevehud 1,790]

i am married and as such cant speak currently to the holding pattern juggling thing, but ill say this, any guy who has been burned once by a woman seeing other men even while dating, will just walk away or let it all go because they dont want t to risk the same thing happening again. I do find from friends a big issue is woman who give off the, im fine without you vibe. Its an instant turn off for them when a woman treats dating like its the lowest thing on their list of "to do" items. While you dont want to appear needy, you also dont want to seem like everything else in your life is more important.