This Week I Failed

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

PS, I know me, so I don't go anywhere near the "Challenge" threads. I don't open them or read them. I am not in a competition.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Shame, ashamed, regret, fail, gave up...

All words I refuse to associate with my life or my efforts towards a healthier body or lifestyle. You received a lot of genuine, heartfelt thought in this thread, most of which you seemed to receive defensively or combatively and that's the real shame. I'm sure there is nothing I can add that won't be taken the same way.

Goals should be measurable and attainable. If 50 pounds in 2-3 months reflects failure in your goals and results in shame, perhaps you need to reevaluate your expectations of WLS.

Or not. If shame works for you, work it! We all have our "thing".

Good luck to you.

[Kindle 8,667]

So adding on to @@Dub 's post, how would you be feeling about yourself if you didn't have a scale? It seems that a lot of your negative self image (i.e. Shame) is based strictly on what the scale says. Your life revolves around things you did or didn't do to make the scale move.

So take the stupid numbers out of the equation and figure out how you actually feel about yourself compared to how you felt before surgery. Do you feel more or less in control? More or less happy? More or less stressed? Do you have less pain? More stamina? Is it easier to move around, walk up stairs? Are you setting and meeting career goals? Are your relationships with friends, family and coworkers satisfying, rewarding and healthy? Are there activities or classes that interest you that would help relieve your work stress? Are you seeking therapy to help improve your self esteem and address your internal issues that led to your Obesity? Focus on the triumphs and the little things you accomplish every day, I'm sure there are plenty.

There is just SO much more to life than the scale. Try and expand your definition of self to include things besides the three digits that you are currently obsessing over.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@1Cor2:9

You are less than 2 months from surgery or just at 2 months. You are still healing. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Walking and being active every day is exercise. Exercise is not just going to the gym. Do you have a fitbit or anything to track your steps during the day? Phone? You are probably already far more active than you think you are.

You wanted to lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks. You lost 15 pounds in 6 weeks. Almost 6% of your total body weight. Most people have to almost kill themselves to lose 2-4% in a month. You are above average weight loss. You are losing very well for some so close to surgery date.

Weight loss is 80-90% diet. If you are still controlling your food you are still winning.

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't set your weight loss goals so high. I set my goal at 13lbs because I felt it was more realistic. I lost 19lbs which makes me feel good I exceeded my realistic goal. If I set my goal at 20lbs I would be kicking myself for not meeting goal instead of feeling awesome I made goal. This is a mental game. Make it easier on yourself, not harder. Stress and anxiety are the anti-weight loss emotions.

Edited February 13, 2016 by OutsideMatchInside

[1Cor2:9 193]

Kindle I see that it is you again. Feeling shame over one's failure does not mean I have self esteem issues. I agree that there more to life than a scale. Who said that was all it was? Again I do not equate the emotion shame with how I am as a person. That is something you and others have done on here. I also did not say that shame was the only thing I felt in the past week. I am the type of person if I feel a certain way I say so. The act of me expressing that is not an indicator of anything more a snap shot of that particular moment. Take it for what is was-- a snap shot and stop trying to analyze. I am not going to waste my time answering any of your questions because I have no obligation to you to answer them. Kindle, please feel free to not respond to any more of my post.

So adding on to @@Dub 's post, how would you be feeling about yourself if you didn't have a scale? It seems that a lot of your negative self image (i.e. Shame) is based strictly on what the scale says. Your life revolves around things you did or didn't do to make the scale move.

So take the stupid numbers out of the equation and figure out how you actually feel about yourself compared to how you felt before surgery. Do you feel more or less in control? More or less happy? More or less stressed? Do you have less pain? More stamina? Is it easier to move around, walk up stairs? Are you setting and meeting career goals? Are your relationships with friends, family and coworkers satisfying, rewarding and healthy? Are there activities or classes that interest you that would help relieve your work stress? Are you seeking therapy to help improve your self esteem and address your internal issues that led to your Obesity? Focus on the triumphs and the little things you accomplish every day, I'm sure there are plenty.

There is just SO much more to life than the scale. Try and expand your definition of self to include things besides the three digits that you are currently obsessing over.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Protip to the OP:

According to you, you've been misunderstood. You're not really having a bad time.

But in the future, if you don't want to mislead others into thinking you're having a really rough time and are inviting encouragement from those who have more WLS experience and success than you've had so far, don't start a thread titled "This Week I Failed" that includes this language:

"... I only exercised once this week. I feel really bad about that. I suppose a better word for it is ashamed. I have this secret fear that I will never make my goal weight. That my work will just be in vain.

I ... have this fear of not being successful. I have lost more than fifty lbs, but I keep thinking what if this is it. As a person who has "old fat", I have been over weight/obese since my youth, perhaps this is all my body will know. So I guess I gave up this week in some ways."

Better yet, don't snark at those who've taken the time to respond to your thread and offered their perspectives based on their personal experience.

This board is just a community. Nothing more, nothing less. You will either benefit from it (and enjoy it), or you won't. But however that goes it's truly your choice.

[Kindle 8,667]

If you are not open to advice from members on here, why are you wasting our time with your posts? I've been on this and two other WLS forums for over 3 years and you definitely rank in the top 5 for the most negative, hostile members I've encountered. I guess conflict is simply something that makes you feel better about yourself. I truly feel sorry for you and hope someday you can find a more constructive and positive way to live your life.

And as for me responding to your posts, since this is a public forum, you can either deal with it, block me, or quit posting, cause I'm not going anywhere.

[1Cor2:9 193]

I suppose it is just a difference of perspective. I would not feel comfortable telling someone I did not know well based on a snap shot they had self esteem issues. I feel that is judgmental and a little short sighted. I also think telling some one how it feel is often not helpful or needed in most situations. As you said this is an open forum. We should feel free to disagree or agree with someone. Is that snark because I disagree? When I post something am I just suppose to agree with everything or just say nothing? Snark in my humble opinion is when a person is trying to be hurtful. I am just trying to defend myself. Perhaps shame was the wrong word. Perhaps I should not have felt bad about how last week went, but I can stand up for myself and say that I do not have low self esteem. I did not say anything negative about anyone in a manner that is personal, but I can stand up for myself. With due respect, please explain why this is snark.

Protip to the OP:

According to you, you've been misunderstood. You're not really having a bad time.

But in the future, if you don't want to mislead others into thinking you're having a really rough time and are inviting encouragement from those who have more WLS experience and success than you've had so far, don't start a thread titled "This Week I Failed" that includes this language:

"... I only exercised once this week. I feel really bad about that. I suppose a better word for it is ashamed. I have this secret fear that I will never make my goal weight. That my work will just be in vain.

I ... have this fear of not being successful. I have lost more than fifty lbs, but I keep thinking what if this is it. As a person who has "old fat", I have been over weight/obese since my youth, perhaps this is all my body will know. So I guess I gave up this week in some ways."

Better yet, don't snark at those who've taken the time to respond to your thread and offered their perspectives based on their personal experience.

This board is just a community. Nothing more, nothing less. You will either benefit from it (and enjoy it), or you won't. But however that goes it's truly your choice.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@1Cor2:9

People can only comment on the snapshot you've portrayed. I'd suggest you take away the words you want to hear and ignore the rest. Based on the conversation I've read here, I doubt you will get very much from the thoughts offered because you seem to have an idea of exactly what you want to hear, but if this forum only benefits you by giving a platform to "vent" and then ignore the rest, so be it.

That said, telling people to whom they can post and how they can post probably won't get you far.

[1Cor2:9 193]

@@LipstickLady I will take it into consideration.

@@1Cor2:9

People can only comment on the snapshot you've portrayed. I'd suggest you take away the words you want to hear and ignore the rest. Based on the conversation I've read here, I doubt you will get very much from the thoughts offered because you seem to have an idea of exactly what you want to hear, but if this forum only benefits you by giving a platform to "vent" and then ignore the rest, so be it.

That said, telling people to whom they can post and how they can post probably won't get you far.

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

@@1Cor2:9,

I’m sorry you’re down, but I bet there’s a lot to be hopeful about and super proud of! I think it is extremely exciting that you were able to eat right this week even though you had some stressful events.

I’m not sure what you mean by failing this week, but it sounds like you didn’t hit your weight goals. Sometimes that happens, even if you eat right.

Is there anything you could have done differently to make sure you got in your workouts? Maybe go to bed a little earlier, or get your workout clothes ready the night before, or take your walking shoes to work?

As others have suggested, I would suggest setting some additional goals that aren’t just about weight. I’d also make sure they’re things you can control. While you may not be able to control losing a certain amount of weight or fitting into a certain size by a certain date, you CAN control behaviors like hitting your calories, eating a certain number of servings of vegetables, working out a certain number of times per week, and taking a few minutes each day to think about what you’re proud of.

Everyone worries they won’t hit goal, but it takes time and patience. You’re doing fine!

[Pea523 28]

@@1Cor2:9

You know I have the exact same feelings that you are having. I am not even three months out and I slip up ALL the time. I am just starting to exercise very hard and challenge myself. I get those thoughts of whether or not I deserve to be thin. It is natural, and sometimes can be difficult to ignore.

When that negativity and self doubt creep in, I try to shut down the emotional side by looking at my life scientifically. For example, I will say OK I have eaten this many calories today, so that means I have to exercise this many hours this week or this day. If I do not lose weight I just figure out why and say how can I use exercise as a tool to help with my progress. I also stop getting on the scale,and I just try to enjoy life.

I don't see you as a martyr. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel deserving, but I am working through that. That's what brings about the sadness for me. I put up positive affirmations all around to remind myself just how wonderful and deserving I am.

I sometimes get these little negative reminders in my head that stem from childhood that are difficult to shake, but I keep telling myself that I am worth it

That's what keeps me from giving up.

Edited February 14, 2016 by Pea523

[1Cor2:9 193]

I thank you for this. I think it is normal to ponder and wonder if some can be achieved that has never been achieved. I agree with you that the way in which to contend with the doubt is to press on. The more we fight for a better body and so on I can and will diminish the voice that is saying, but "what if you do not make it?" I am glad you do not see me as a martyr I was not trying to even suggest I was. I think in our society women are groomed to not express or even have negative feelings. We are supposed to be upbeat and what not. If one of us opens ups and says something otherwise we bash her. I guess she has low self esteem or she trying to hold on to the shame. Last week was rough, but it was not the roughest I have faced or will face. I was ashamed, or rather disappointed, that I did not do as well as I wanted that's okay if God gives me another week to live then I can turn that boat around. Sometimes in life one is struck down, but that does not mean they are destroyed. I applaud you for not giving up! We are going to make it.

@@1Cor2:9
You know I have the exact same feelings that you are having. I am not even three months out and I slip up ALL the time. I am just starting to exercise very hard and challenge myself. I get those thoughts of whether or not I deserve to be thin. It is natural, and sometimes can be difficult to ignore.
When that negativity and self doubt creep in, I try to shut down the emotional side by looking at my life scientifically. For example, I will say OK I have eaten this many calories today, so that means I have to exercise this many hours this week or this day. If I do not lose weight I just figure out why and say how can I use exercise as a tool to help with my progress. I also stop getting on the scale, and I just try to enjoy life.

I don't see you as a martyr. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel deserving, but I am working through that. That's what brings about the sadness for me. I put up positive affirmations all around to remind myself just how wonderful and deserving I am.
I sometimes get these little negative reminders in my head that stem from childhood that are difficult to shake, but I keep telling myself that I am worth it
That's what keeps me from giving up.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

FTR, until I read your last post (above), I thought you were a dude.

Seriously.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think you have received some great advice. As I was reading the original post...I was thinking how that sounded like my presleeve diet mentality and cycle of failure. It went something like this:

-somebody tells me a program I MUST follow and I will be thin

-I am desperate to be successfull so I will throw my heart and soul in. I am so invested that the scale brings me happiness or despair on at least a daily basis.

-I set up mini goals with rewards; all time and scale based of course.

-I make some of those goals early on, I am feeling good, motivated. I continue to strive for perfection. Get my self a mani pedi but don't feel like I deserve much because I am still obese and seems like I always have been.

- I miss a goal, or heaven forbid, the scale shows a gain

- I redouble my efforts,if I just hadn't skipped that workout,or taken that taste of something forbidden. But I can do better

-anxiety and worry bulids, another week goes with poor losses/mixed results. I don't understand, I am as perfect as I know how to be, perhaps even under eating to make up for transgressions.

-slowly, I am becoming less compliant, diets never work for me anyway.

-can't take it anymore, chuck the whole thing....somehow wind up not just going off the diet, but manage to swing wildly the other way and one by one destroy the good habits I have been forming

-stop weighing/ignore/buy bigger pants.

That is the secret to how to weigh well over 300# without really trying.

Once you have shifted to believing in a new lifestyle, time based goals become much less relevant. Instead, you start doing what you do because it's now just what you do. (Follow guidelines). Sometimes the scale rewards with a loss, sometimes it doesn't, but that matters less because you aren't on a diet. There is no "end". Getting to some arbitrary goal weight is just a number, a milestone. Maintenance is the real work, this isn't a temporary thing.

Like several of the other people o people who responded, I have been at goal for a few years years, after nearly a lifetime of obesity, and I maintain by keeping doing what I do - which is follow the guidelines most of the time and with diligence, not anxiety.