This Week I Failed

[1Cor2:9 193]

Shame is a painful, social emotion that can be seen as resulting "...from comparison of the self's action with the self's standards.

This is an edit of the original post. Based on the above definition shame is a fitting word to use for this post. Other associations that one may have with the word shame is not my doing.

May I also add I did in fact end this post with a sense of hope for future progress that I think people seemed to over look. Admitting that I had a feeling of shame for a few days does not mean that I am suffering from low self esteem. Nor does it mean that I am always feel shame. People whom attempted to advise, well fine people I was not looking for tips or steps or guidance on how to change my emotional state because I knew that was going to change. Sometimes we do not give others the right to feel as they do. If one feels some sort of negative emotion we have to find ways to eradicate it right away in stead of wrestling with the emotion to have a better understanding of self. Also, the idea that I or anyone else should not have goals as it relates to weight loss is nonsense. Did not embark on this WLS journey with a goal in mind? Huh, am I wrong? We all have goals here. They may not be the exact goal, but still. No one had WLS with the goal of, "Well I would like to have major surgery to keep my body exactly the same." Come on now! With all that said, read on. Leave advise if you want. Please know it is not needed or wanted, but hey you do you.

This past work week has been overly exhausted. This week I had two assemblies and a field trip. One of these events alone is stressful, but both did me in. I only exercised once this week. I feel really bad about that. I suppose a better word for it is ashamed. I have this secret fear that I will never make my goal weight. That my work will just be in vain. My eating has been as it should.

I have to evaluate what happened to me this week. Two things happened this week and both are not encouraging. I realized last weekend I was not going to successful at my challenge I set for the Valentine's Day challenge. I also have this fear of not being successful. I have lost more than fifty lbs, but I keep thinking what if this is it. As a person who has "old fat", I have been over weight/obese since my youth, perhaps this is all my body will know. So I guess I gave up this week in some ways.

However, when one fails at one goal then one just needs to make another goal. Next week I will do better. I have to think of a game plan. Next week we not be a week of shame.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 1Cor2:9

[FrankyG 1,450]

You don't say what your goal weight is, or where you started so it is hard to tell details about whether you still have a very long way to go or not... but I'm going off of your stats on the side that you are around 2 ish months out (if it's three, your progress is still awesome).

But in any case, 50 pounds in 2 months is AMAZING. I would have been over the moon happy at that level of progress at 2 months out, and you totally should use that awesome progress to really focus your energy and motivation on. You should be proud and psyched up about how well your body is responding already - not depressed that it isn't 10 times better!

At 2 months, you're probably eating so little calories that just puttering around the house would exhaust you; but you're out working and doing assemblies and field trips in addition to your regular job in there, and still managed to exercise once too? Girl, that is mind blowing!

You have nothing to be ashamed about. I was not exercising at all at 2 months out and I don't regret it one minute. It took me until about 6 months out to have the energy and motivation to establish a real exercise routine. It is HARD to start from morbidly obese with very sedentary habits and hit the ground eating perfectly and exercising 3X or more a week. I think you are being waaaay too hard on yourself. You need to forgive yourself and definitely not set such crazy high standards and goals!

This is not a race. You have the rest of your life to get and stay healthy. To discover fun exercise and find joy in eating healthy foods and being active because you enjoy it and not because you're forcing yourself to go through the motions. Your sleeve will not fail you if you work at it - get in your Water, eating Protein first, good veggies and complex carbs in moderation and slowly get moving and find ways to stay active.

But you absolutely should banish the shame. You are working hard at changing your entire life. That is going to take time, and life also gets in the way - job, family, home obligations - they are all going to slow you down while you figure out how to put the pieces for this new puzzle together. But you'll figure it out - even if it takes you a few months or a year - and it will be GLORIOUS.

You are doing fabulously and will be successful if you focus on the happy and the amazing and toss the shame and guilt and depression. Good luck!!

Edited February 13, 2016 by FrankiesGirl

[Dub 9,922]

Goals.

Goals not met.

Goals can be a real beyotch if you don't have some refinement and structure around them. At least that's the way it is for me.

I certainly have an ultimate goal of where I want to be.....but I've set intermittent goals that feel freaking great when achieved.

Not all of them are weight goals. Many are NSV's that I get a kick out of reaching.

....A piece of clothing that I want to fit in comfortably.

......An activity that I want to do without difficulty.

......Fitness goals.

It is imperative that I have goals beyond the scale. My daily weigh-ins would drive me nuts if they were my only source of validation.

One of the ones that I achieved yesterday.....hit me like a hammer and made me grin stupidly......was on the treadmill. Had my first morning off work after a 60 hr pressure cooker workweek. I hit the gym and busted off two hours on the treadmill. Even when I'd find that "right" music and turn up the speed and elevation.....I couldn't seem to get my heart rate up above the high 140's. Crazy. A month ago I couldn't keep it under 160. Soon....soon the knees will be ready to run and it's going to be ON !!!!!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

My two cents' worth:

I think all these weight goal challenges that are defined as X pounds lost by Y date are just nuts and lead exactly to where you are right now -- feeling destabilized and like you're a failure because the scales didn't produce a number you defined as "success" and thought would make you feel worthy.

And yes, life will always, always throw us curve balls. You're not going to change that ever. And you're not going to have a perfect lifestyle in any single week. A healthy lifestyle is built week after month after year. And one of the biggest tools you need to build a healthy lifestyle is to learn not to hate on yourself because you aren't perfect. No one is perfect. No one. At the end of a week like this, just set new goals for next week. Or today. That's how this goes.

Now, back to the scale: Yes, we are entitled to want to lose X pounds and reach our weight goal. But our bodies do NOT lose weight on a schedule. We don't lose in a simple, linear downhill straight line. Regardless of whether we're doing everything "right," we sometimes stall or even gain weight. You cannot -- repeat, cannot -- control all the factors that influence the rate at which you lose weight.

You've lost 50 pounds in two months. I hope you know that rate of weight loss is not going to continue for much longer. Maybe that rate of weight loss is going to slow down next month.

You are on this journey for the rest of your life. Not last week. Not next week. Take a deep breath and get ready for the trip.

BTW, my fat was "old," too. That has nothing to do with your future success as a WLS patient. I had my surgery at 68 years old. I'm 70 years old now. I've lost 100 pounds and am maintaining now at 135 pounds -- skinniest and fittest I've been in 35 years.

So buck up, you young thang you!

[Emilie.Lancaster 189]

Defining success is often difficult, but you must. How will we know if we have success if we don't imagine its form?

I'm concerned about the word ashamed. If you know Brenee Brown or her TED Talks, you know that guilt is "I did wrong," and shame is, "I am wrong." Hun. We're teachers. Sometimes, we get enough exercise just pushing our luck. Go watch some Brenee, and realize we need to cut ourselves some slack more than we need to chop firewood for exercise.

[Babbs 14,681]

My two cents' worth:

I think all these weight goal challenges that are defined as X pounds lost by Y date are just nuts and lead exactly to where you are right now -- feeling destabilized and like you're a failure because the scales didn't produce a number you defined as "success" and thought would make you feel worthy.

And yes, life will always, always throw us curve balls. You're not going to change that ever. And you're not going to have a perfect lifestyle in any single week. A healthy lifestyle is built week after month after year. And one of the biggest tools you need to build a healthy lifestyle is to learn not to hate on yourself because you aren't perfect. No one is perfect. No one. At the end of a week like this, just set new goals for next week. Or today. That's how this goes.

Now, back to the scale: Yes, we are entitled to want to lose X pounds and reach our weight goal. But our bodies do NOT lose weight on a schedule. We don't lose in a simple, linear downhill straight line. Regardless of whether we're doing everything "right," we sometimes stall or even gain weight. You cannot -- repeat, cannot -- control all the factors that influence the rate at which you lose weight.

You've lost 50 pounds in two months. I hope you know that rate of weight loss is not going to continue for much longer. Maybe that rate of weight loss is going to slow down next month.

You are on this journey for the rest of your life. Not last week. Not next week. Take a deep breath and get ready for the trip.

BTW, my fat was "old," too. That has nothing to do with your future success as a WLS patient. I had my surgery at 68 years old. I'm 70 years old now. I've lost 100 pounds and am maintaining now at 135 pounds -- skinniest and fittest I've been in 35 years.

So buck up, you young thang you!

This was perfectly said! I wanna pin it to my fridge!

[1Cor2:9 193]

Shame is a real emotion. I have to acknowledge its presence so that I can move beyond it. Like I said in my original post I am making a game plan to do better next week. Shame should motivate a person to strive to do better the next time. That is how it is working for me. I was just trying to lose 20 lbs by Feb. 14. I did have a stall at week three post op. Besides the stall I have lost weight every week. Once I weigh myself tomorrow I will be even closer to that goal. If I feel disappointed about my meeting a goal that is fine. Disappointment is a frequent companion in life. I am not shocked by the shame or disappointment I am just acknowledging its presence this week. Did I say I was going to just give up? No people. I am just saying I had a rough week.

[mykdzmom 387]

I don't think you are alone in finding it hard to believe that "it" will really happen. I have been overweight since high school and although the math alone proves we will drop the weight, it still seemed hard to believe in the beginning.

I am 4 months out now and somewhere around the 2 month time frame I decided that this was my new life and started treating myself like the person I wanted to be. I know that sounds weird, but I realized that at times I didn't treat myself to well in the past. Manicures, pedicures, fresh haircut and of course that is about the time clothes started to get fun again. My point is that when I started doing that it really took some of the focus off of what had become an obsession for me .... what did I lose today?

It is just so much more than that. I know you will find that moment too. Good luck on your journey!

[mykdzmom 387]

Oh, and I didn't think for a moment that you gave up. ????

[2goldengirl 2,076]

@@1Cor2:9, "Shame" is a highly-charged word for most of us. It may have a different connotation for you, but for many of us, shame has been accompanied by feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Those are feelings we work hard each day to distance ourselves from. What @@VSGAnn2014 wrote is spot on. Setting ourselves a goal of "I will lose X lbs by Y date" is an invitation to set ourselves up for those feelings, which is why I stay away from them.

Life happens. Multiple crashing deadlines, little gnats in the yogurt of life, flat tires, and bad hair days happen. None of us is perfect at the new behaviors we're practicing. If I may, here's what I tell my clients who are working on these kinds of goals: Set behavioral goals. Instead of losing a given number of pounds, that you will keep to your food plan for so many days of the week. Instead of expecting to hit the gym a maximum number of days each week, set a goal that's reasonable for the week that you've got. It will be different on some weeks than others - and that's perfectly OK. Some weeks you'll blast your goals out of the Water. Yay, you! Some weeks it will be a struggle to meet the minimum you've set for yourself. Yay, you! Each one is a success that you can stick in your pocket of successes, big ones and little ones. Over time that pocket of successes becomes a set of healthy habits.

Feeling bad is one thing, feeling you are bad is quite another. Congratulations on your successes!

[Babbs 14,681]

Shame is a real emotion. I have to acknowledge its presence so that I can move beyond it. Like I said in my original post I am making a game plan to do better next week. Shame should motivate a person to strive to do better the next time. That is how it is working for me. I was just trying to lose 20 lbs by Feb. 14. I did have a stall at week three post op. Besides the stall I have lost weight every week. Once I weigh myself tomorrow I will be even closer to that goal. If I feel disappointed about my meeting a goal that is fine. Disappointment is a frequent companion in life. I am not shocked by the shame or disappointment I am just acknowledging its presence this week. Did I say I was going to just give up? No people. I am just saying I had a rough week.

Yeah, and they are saying you had a rough week, too. Acknowledge it, know that there will be more, and MOVE ON.

Shame and guilt serve no purpose when we do it to ourselves. It just keeps you in the victim mentality. Yeah, shame is a normal emotion, but is it a HEALTHY emotion? I do know this from my years of therapy: It's a SECONDARY emotion that stems from fear or sadness. You're afraid of failure, and that's understandable and normal early out, but try not to let it encompass you. Living in a shame spiral is unhealthy for anybody.

You're doing great. Now go and keep doing great without too much guilt or shame.

[1Cor2:9 193]

I do not think shame is a bad word. It is what the same produces. What does the moment after bring? Although I am obese I would say that shame is not something I have experienced with any regularity. So if I use the word shame to describe how I am feeling no one else can tell me to think or feel otherwise. It would be one thing if the shame led me to destructive behavior. Even without the goal I still might have felt the shame. I am trying to get people to understand the shame is a point of motivation. Let us focus on that. I never said that I felt I was a bad person. "Bad" is usually a matter of moral character. I have been transformed by Christ. That does not mean I am perfect, but did does mean is that the Father, whose opinion matters most, see me as redeemed by the blood of Christ. Your assumption that I am calling myself a bad person because I did not exercise as much as I wanted this week is a false notion. Shame is a feeling not a measure of one's moral standing.

@@1Cor2:9, "Shame" is a highly-charged word for most of us. It may have a different connotation for you, but for many of us, shame has been accompanied by feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Those are feelings we work hard each day to distance ourselves from. What @@VSGAnn2014 wrote is spot on. Setting ourselves a goal of "I will lose X lbs by Y date" is an invitation to set ourselves up for those feelings, which is why I stay away from them.

Life happens. Multiple crashing deadlines, little gnats in the yogurt of life, flat tires, and bad hair days happen. None of us is perfect at the new behaviors we're practicing. If I may, here's what I tell my clients who are working on these kinds of goals: Set behavioral goals. Instead of losing a given number of pounds, that you will keep to your food plan for so many days of the week. Instead of expecting to hit the gym a maximum number of days each week, set a goal that's reasonable for the week that you've got. It will be different on some weeks than others - and that's perfectly OK. Some weeks you'll blast your goals out of the Water. Yay, you! Some weeks it will be a struggle to meet the minimum you've set for yourself. Yay, you! Each one is a success that you can stick in your pocket of successes, big ones and little ones. Over time that pocket of successes becomes a set of healthy habits.

Feeling bad is one thing, feeling you are bad is quite another. Congratulations on your successes!

[Babbs 14,681]

Okay then.

Then you hold onto that shame and guilt everytime you feel like you've failed. Obviously it's working for you.

Some people LOVE being martyrs.

[1Cor2:9 193]

I had a moment on Feb. 12, 2016 and presently Feb. 13, 2016. Perhaps I feel differently today than I did yesterday. I am not holding on to anything I am just being honest. Again your assumption that I am "holding on". I am just saying negative feelings can motivate people to change. I am not martyrs. And who said that every time I fail I am going feel the same way each time. Are we at odds @@Babbs because I am not going along with what you said or because we are having some fundamental disagreement?

Shame is an emotion. Not a measure of one's moral standing. Whether or not I am a bad person is not a factor. After I made the original post I decided to make some changes as it relates to exercise. I presently feel different. I am trying to figure what you are disagreeing with. I usually do not feel shame or even embarrassment, so haha I am not going to feel shame every time I fail. Having said that, I do not know you and you do not know me, so for you to tell me how to feel is helpful or wanted.

What is making you angry? Is it within you or me?

Okay then.

Then you hold onto that shame and guilt everytime you feel like you've failed. Obviously it's working for you.

Some people LOVE being martyrs.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

This past work week has been overly exhausted. This week I had two assemblies and a field trip. One of these events alone is stressful, but both did me in. I only exercised once this week. I feel really bad about that. I suppose a better word for it is ashamed. I have this secret fear that I will never make my goal weight. That my work will just be in vain. My eating has been as it should.

I have to evaluate what happened to me this week. Two things happened this week and both are not encouraging. I realized last weekend I was not going to successful at my challenge I set for the Valentine's Day challenge. I also have this fear of not being successful. I have lost more than fifty lbs, but I keep thinking what if this is it. As a person who has "old fat", I have been over weight/obese since my youth, perhaps this is all my body will know. So I guess I gave up this week in some ways.

However, when one fails at one goal then one just needs to make another goal. Next week I will do better. I have to think of a game plan. Next week we not be a week of shame.

You have received some great encouragement and feedback from some very experienced people.

I know how hard it is to be open and honest about your feelings. You are or were feeling vulnerable and maybe didn't get the response you wanted so may be feeling attacked and defensive.

I hope you can see past that feeling to the genuine care and concern that underlies the responses you have received. You did use some very loaded words like: failure and shame.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Now for my two cents.

First, it doesn't sound at all like you failed. You had a very busy week and didn't meet all the objectives you set for yourself. Whether or not your goals and objectives were realistic, you did what you could.

SMART goals are: Smart, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timebound. I know for many of us, me included, we thought that a goal of losing x number of pounds by y date was a SMART goal, I have learned for me that it isn't. My goals have to be related to inputs and not outputs.

Which brings me to the specific goal that you think you failed at. Do you have an activity tracker? I bet that between the assembly and the field trip, you got quite a lot of exercise in. Exercise doesn't have to include time at the gym to be effective.

I got a Misfit Shine for Christmas and really love it. I like it because my exercise of choice is swimming so I can swim with it but it also is good for counting all activity. As a teacher (which it sounds like you are), you may find an activity tracker really helpful.

Someone recommended Brene Brown. I would second that recommendation. I just started reading her Gift of Imperfection.

Another book you might want to consider is Connie Stapleton's Eat It Up! She is a therapist who works with WLS patients and her book is very practical. I think there is a companion workbook, too.

If you don't have one already, you may want to consider talking to a counselor or therapist.

I truly hope that none of your week's are "week's of shame".

Embrace the Stall!

http://BariatricPal.com/index.php?/topic/351046-Embrace-the-Stall