Did anyone's spouse lose attractiveness when they got close to goal?

[Chrystee 838]

Hubby loves me at whatever weight / shape I am. He just loves me.

And vice versa.

(sniff)

You know... that's so nice.. but that sure makes me feel kind of bad.

That really wasn't the question, or point of my post.. but I'm honestly glad for those of you whose relationship hasn't changed at all.

Maybe he just doesn't really love me.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Chrystee

[jess9395 5,449]

Hubby loves me at whatever weight / shape I am. He just loves me.

And vice versa.

(sniff)

You know... that's so nice.. but that sure makes me feel kind of bad.

That really wasn't the question, or point of my post.. but I'm honestly glad for those of you whose relationship hasn't changed at all.

Maybe he just doesn't really love me.

I understand what you are saying... It's not about love it's about physical attraction/chemistry. As I said above my husband is the same, he loves me no matter my weight and loved me at my heaviest (which was a full 100lbs heavier than when we met and got married).

And my husband it still attracted to me but would definitely be more physically attracted to me if I had the curves I had back when we started.

Do we need counseling for it? That's a different thing. I don't know that you do either. I don't imagine it's really any different from being less attracted to the physical form as you get older or gain weight or whatever. It is what it is. Do I find my husband less physically attractive than Chris Hemsworth, sure I probably do! But I don't need counseling for it and our relationship is fine.

My guess is yours is too, especially given how you describe the conversation unfolded.

It's the love through "thick and thin" thing. Did we need counseling to fix the fact that he was less physically attracted to me after I gained 100lbs? No. Do I need to gain 30lbs to attract him? No. It is what it is and we are just fine.

[Renkoss 420]

Chrystee, I think that the insecurities that your husband has over your weight loss is that you will hurt him like another did in the past. This is his problem; it is not you that is causing it per say. When time goes on and you prove to your husband that you can be trusted not to cheat on him because of your new body, then perhaps he will relax with all of this. We have to realize that the big changes occur not just for us as the patient, but for those around us or involved with us as well. They have become comfortable with who we were, and now we throw this sudden change at them. Perhaps he is seeing how happy the weight being gone has made you and feels inferior to it. Maybe he is afraid you will be different in how you see him. Perhaps he needs to talk this out with someone. Not communicating with each other is probably the worst thing that can happen. He needs to really open up to you and tell you why he is showing little interest.

I hope you find the answers. I know my husband has told me that his lowered libido has nothing to do with my body. That I believe is my own fear and shame. But, I do remember when I was pregnant with my daughters he wasn't really interested in sex either. Of course that is when a woman's hormones are going absolutely crazy and her libido is way out there!!!! At this point, I know he realizes that the surgery is my best option and hope of getting things to work better in my body, but I know he is afraid for me. I try to calm his anxiety about all this, but until it occurs and he sees how it is working, there really isn't much I can do.

Sit down with your hubby and get him to open up to you. Whether you want to hear the truth or not, you need to hear it. Perhaps it is not what you think. Knowing is always better.

Good Luck

[Renkoss 420]

@@Renkoss - I hope your weight loss rekindles the spark. It might not though. Sometimes it isn't about the weight, it's about the relationship. Our bodies often resemble our emotional state (esp. for emotional eaters).

Thanks for the response. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, and I know that no matter what we will survive all this. I think perhaps recent stresses in our lives (not the relationship so much) has also made things a little less about "us". I'm sure things will get back to where they should be.

[Terri Lynn1383837796 139]

I have been with my guy for 20 plus years...he was with me at 385 and with me now. It's funny but when he sees pictures of my former self...he says..."I just don't remember you being that big"! Well I was...and he loved me and found me desirable...he still does! He is a big fellow and I just don't see his size.....no complaints here. Thank goodness because I know a few people that had weight loss surgery are divorced now due to the changes. It happens very frequently.

[Renkoss 420]

Terri Lynn, I have heard a lot of stories about those having surgery and losing the weight only to get divorced from their spouse. Unfortunately many oversized women (and men) are in their relationships even if they aren't the greatest because they are afraid of never finding their one true love. Some marry because someone asked them, and then found out that it wasn't the greatest of relationships but stayed in it anyway because it was just easier. I think those are mainly the ones that end in divorce after surgery. But, I'm sure there are some that were great and went down the tubes after. I've been with my husband for 30+ years (married 26 years this June). Whether I'm big or small doesn't matter to him; he just wants me to be healthy. I feel the same about him. I loved him when he was 174 lbs and I loved him at 285 lbs. I love him at the 205-210 lb mark that he is at right now. He's my husband, best friend, lover, confidante, and everything to me.

[LisaLouBop 181]

@@Chrystee

I guess I'd keep pushing the counseling to see if I could change his mind. All kinds of awesome changes are happening to you right now, physically, emotionally, and hormonal as well. If you feel the need, maybe go talk to someone yourself.

You finally feel really great about yourself and what you've accomplished and the most important person in your life is acting like, meh... That is mighty hurtful and I don't blame you for being concerned.

[cadladykim 55]

I'm kinda in that boat. Been married going on 24 years. I was always big - always! (I'm actually 40 pounds lighter now than when we got married)

Anyway, during the 22 years prior to WLS i went from Big to Obese. He didnt like it - and it hurt our marriage that I was so overweight and I was unattractive both physically and mentally. (dont gasp yes I said that out loud and I can admit it now). I battled depression and all that comes with it, binging, bad decisions...vicious cycle. Then I snapped and said I'm doing this. I was in the process for 5 months and was getting ready to have my date scheduled before I told him. I was scared to death at what he would say. I already lost 40# pre surgery but he hadn't noticed and also didn't balk when I finally said I was doing the WLS. He was kinda supportive. At least for him. So that was good.

It's been 13+ months since surgery and he hasn't really complimented me on my loosing 150 pounds, or how I look. That hurts and I tell him that but he doesn't believe me that he hasn't, he gets mad and says he has...whatever.

He really doesn't like it when people come up to him and talk about how good I look "Doesn't she look great?" - he just shrugs.

But he does hold my hand when we are out sometimes like we used to when we were younger. He will occasionally put his arm around me when we are sitting beside each other. He hasn't done that in forever. So in his own way, maybe he likes it. But I really don't know because then he will complain that my boobs are too small and too saggy now and I have no butt...

I really think it's a catch 22 for him. He wanted me to look better, but maybe not better than him. I don't think I do and have never said otherwise to him or anyone else - maybe it's his own inner demons he has to face. I do know the better i look in public (hair makeup cloths) the more attention he pays to me - but once we get home, he completely ignores me.

Okay, therapy rant over, sorry I wasn't any help. I just think that those of us in long term relationships where the SO has seen us and accepted us at our worst - have a hard time with the new us. I think our mental states change just as drastically as the physical part of us.

[Chrystee 838]

I'm kinda in that boat. Been married going on 24 years. I was always big - always! (I'm actually 40 pounds lighter now than when we got married)

Anyway, during the 22 years prior to WLS i went from Big to Obese. He didnt like it - and it hurt our marriage that I was so overweight and I was unattractive both physically and mentally. (dont gasp yes I said that out loud and I can admit it now). I battled depression and all that comes with it, binging, bad decisions...vicious cycle. Then I snapped and said I'm doing this. I was in the process for 5 months and was getting ready to have my date scheduled before I told him. I was scared to death at what he would say. I already lost 40# pre surgery but he hadn't noticed and also didn't balk when I finally said I was doing the WLS. He was kinda supportive. At least for him. So that was good.

yes! I was always big too, and I'm about 30 pounds lighter than when we met..

The only difference is he always liked it when I was big.. but I FELT unattractive physically and mentally. I think curves are great.. and beautiful.. but not just all out fat.

[cadladykim 55]

Me too. I think curves are healthy and beautiful. There are several "heavy" women I know that I think are gorgeous and I have always envied their looks. Personally, since childhood I have always "FELT" unattractive at any weight. I still struggle with it sometimes. It's a hard mindset to overcome when your whole life was that mindset. I drove every aspect of me. It's getting better, i can tell and my family and those that know me see the mental change too.

I just hit my 1 year anniversary last month and my kids told me that they think my attitude is better and I seem happier and they like that change the most. I think I do too.

[Chrystee 838]

@@cadladykim I feel so much happier too.

[SeriouslyChange 319]

Pre-Op, my psych eval had a segment focused on post-op and relationships. I forget the exact figure, but a number of relationships/marriages fall apart post-op.

Mine did.

I am happier now than I was before, but pre-op, this was a bit of a fear for me as well.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[Chrystee 838]

It has actually been a bit later lately, maybe since he opened up about still being attracted to BBW..

[Renkoss 420]

Well Chrystee, don't gain the weight back because your hubby likes BBW. You are beautiful no matter the body; it is what is inside that counts and I bet that hasn't changed. You are still you; just a smaller version.

My husband told me that my weight and body never mattered to him. Even now with his waning desire. I know he's not out cattailing it around, so I guess I just take what I can get when he feels "in the mood" and be happy with that. He still is the same man as far as pleasure is concerned. He just seems to be changing into an "old" man a bit before he really should.

Good Luck girl. You are my inspiration!

[LisaLouBop 181]

@@Chrystee

You truly are an inspiration!! Thanks for that.

Lisa