feeling like a failure (long)

[Keeper 218]

Warning - this is probably going to be long. In fact, I might even be writing to myself simply because I haven't fully expressed all that I am thinking to anyone, so maybe I just need to get it off my chest.

The short: I feel like a total failure. I don't feel like my band has failed me because I think I am the common denominator in my weight issues.

I lost 35 pounds relatively quickly after I had surgery in Nov 2014. I had several fills and got to what I believed was my sweet spot and I had hired a private trainer and was exercising. Weight never 'just fell off me' but I was more or less happy with the way I was looking and feeling, around April/May of last year in particular. But then I had to go back to work, my private training sessions ended, my husband transitioned careers and a few other life events. I stopped losing weight. At my lowest weight, I had only lost a total of 50 pounds (around 6 months post-op), but once I started working again, my weight plateaued. And then a few months later, I actually gained a few pounds.

Then life REALLY happened. My husband and I decided to have a fertility procedure done that required me to have surgery. Almost immediately I had what I thought was a problem with my band because I had the worst case of nausea and vomiting that I had experienced to that point. I had horrible chest pains and I thought I must have eaten something that got stuck, and even went to the ER. I saw my after care doctor and they did an x-ray and said the opening to my band was thinner than the under wire in my bra (both visible on the x-ray) and they too thought it was a band issue, so they removed Fluid. It is the only removal I have had. Long story (sort of) short, it was not a band issue. Turned out to be horrific post surgery induce gall bladder attacks and within 4 weeks of having had my fertility surgery, I was back under the knife to have my gall bladder removed. Most awful experience ever.

My band has not been the same since. I feel like I can eat anything and to any amount. When I feel full now it is because I am literally full. I do get stuck on occasion but even there, I think it is because it seems as if I can eat anything and forgot all of my previous changes (eating slower, chewing thoroughly, etc).

so my bandiversary came and went in Nov. I've avoided any and all reference to my band because I feel like such a failure. I haven't been on these boards in months. I don't want to read success story after success story and be reminded that I suck and that I am still fat a year later.

And now my situation is a bit changed, too. I am pregnant (and SUPER excited to be so), but I have already gained a couple of pounds. I am tempted to have my band emptied completely (my band and pregnancy are not getting along so great at the moment), and then just start brand new once the baby is born. However I do not have any bariatric coverage with my current insurance so I don't know if it is worth it to do that.

I am emotionally drained and exhausted. I know pregnancy hormones are part of that, but I felt this way before getting pregnant. If anyone has read this all the way through, I would love some advice and or encouragement. I welcome my changing body but I cringe, literally cringe at the idea of gaining a bunch of pregnancy weight. It's just so hard to have so many mixed emotions, including shame. I'm just kind of at a loss and wondering if others have been here.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

First of all, congratulations on the pregnancy. Second of all, you are not a failure. You are struggling, and you're looking for help. Please, please give yourself a break. I don't think I have very much to offer except to tell you my experience with my band. I lost a lot of weight quickly in the first 7 months, and then I stopped losing. I know full well that it was because of the food choices I was making. I was not binging anymore, but I was refusing to give up certain foods, like fried foods and other delectables. I was very discouraged and afraid that I would not lose the final 50 that I needed to lose. Like you, I felt like I could eat more than I should be able to eat. I went to see my NP. Instead of yet another fill, we discussed me trying to clean up my food first, and see if that helped my restriction.I did just that. Little by little, I gave up the items that were causing me trouble. First to go was alcohol. Second to go was fried food and a carby Thai dish that I loved to eat once or twice a week. Finally, I gave up the movie crap corn. I went back to tracking my food in MyFitnessPal. It took a good four weeks before these changes became comfortable. But once that time had passed, I no longer craved the crappy food. It was easier to stay within my measured portions. It was easier to track and stay committed to what I planned. I began to get hungry only at meal times again. I began to crave vegetables instead of greasy fried food. And slowly, slowly, slowly, the weight is coming off again.

I don't know if any of this helps you. I know that if I were pregnant, it would be an additional challenge. But please give yourself a break. None of us entered WLS as a short-term solution. We have made this decision for life. But the good part about that is, the solution will be with us for life. We can work with our doctors and our bands to help us get back or stay on track.

Again, blessings to you on your pregnancy. And good luck to you with your band!

[2muchfun 8,927]

What does your surgeon recommend while you're pregnant? Being a guy it's stupid for me to make recommends for pregnant patients but I'll do it anyway. I'd fill right up to but just short of the green zone(sweet spot). Try to get it to the point where you can feel a level of satiety with less food.

You'll have to work with your surgeon on tweaking the band of course. No need to feel like a failure though. What's happened to you has happened to many of us. I gained about 30 lbs over the last 8 months and I just recently had my band tweaked and I'm back to losing.

No worries, life happens. Just remember it's still there when you want to turn the tool back on.

tmf

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@Keeper OK so you have a lot going on...I know how that feels. Your not a failure, you have been managing your life and there is nothing wrong with that.

Congrats on being pregnant! Enjoy it! If you are having an issue with the band I say empty it. You don't want to worry about it while your pregnant, BUT you still want to watch what your eating and how much weight you are gaining while pregnant. You don't have to gain weight for your baby to gain weight and be healthy. The baby will take from you what it needs and your body will dip into your fat stores to get what it needs. That said I'm sure there are certain things that your hormones are going to dictate to you. Things your going to want to eat and things that are going to be replant to eat. Usually for us we want to eat the things we know are not the best for us and will not serve us or our baby in anyway.. and it's OK to give into that every once in a while as this is a special time that you have fought hard to experience.

Just remember to find moderation in everything you do, that will be what's best for you and your little one. When your all done and your holding your little one in your arms you can then fill up that band to the green zone and work on being the Mom you want to be. It's not going anywhere...it's there for you when you need it, just don't make it an issue for you now during this short time. Focus during this pregnancy on you and your little one and the band will be waiting for you.

[Gotta win 4me 12]

I think I'm feeling the same way. I don't know if my band has slipped or not. I don't have any symptoms. My chicken gets stuck if it's too dry but other than that I don't have issues. I've gained 30+lbs since July and I'm not happy about it. I finally got below 199 and I stop going for fills. I'm just hoping that I don't have an asymtopmatic slipped band. However, I will contact my doctor Monday morning to set an appointment.