need emotional support

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Ladies I know this is the Lounge, but this is topic which might benefit from male perspective too.@@Sophie74656 I suggest you re-post this on Rants. You might gain some insight as to what your husband might be thinking and best way to approach to save the relationship. Or at this point you may just want some hugs and this may be a better place for those (we guys do tend to want to discuss solving the problem, not talking about feelings - not that there is anything wrong with being a woman, but we are different for a reason...heck if we were both the same, one of us would be redundant). This is a suggestion, not instruction, it depends on where you are in your journey.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Sophie74656 - I asked that because my DIL asked about counseling with my son about 2-3 years ago and then about a year later she asked for a divorce. My son was floored and they have been divorced about a year now. DIL said he never "listened" when she wanted to talk about their problems.

My point is what was his reason for mentioning counseling (if it was about money then) and it happened again (Friday) then that may be his gripe. If he feels you are not truly listening and keep repeating the problem then he has decided to stay in the spare bedroom until he decides to stay/go.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and posting to get a guys prospective may not be a bad idea.

Keep us posted and I am hoping you two can turn this around and get back on track

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Sending hugs.

I am not now nor have I ever been married so what I want to say to you is based on my own perspective and experience.

I have talked to so many women who are terrified of being alone. So terrified, in fact, that they will tolerate all kinds of abuse just to avoid being by themselves. Not to say that you are being abused, but to reassure you that you do not NEED to stay with someone, you get to CHOOSE. And if you do wind up single not only will you survive, you may actually thrive.

I would definitely encourage you to seek counseling. Find a good counselor or therapist for yourself. Whether or not you both participate in couples counseling, find someone to help you to focus on you.

In addition to finding a counselor or therapist, consider attending a support group meeting (like a bariatric support group or a twelve-step recover group like OA or CODA).

If you don't want that fear and panic of being alone, then I think this is a great time to practice being alone and learning that you are a grown, adult, capable, human being who will be fine whether you are alone or with a partner.

Practice doing some things by yourself.

-Go to a movie by yourself.

-Take a class. Do you have any hobbies or interests? What are you most afraid of if you split up? If it's something practical like not being able to start your car, then take a class in basic auto maintenance.

-Attend a community event by yourself. The local public library is a great resource for events and programs like book clubs, speakers, even computer and job-search classes. Local churches also have a variety of resources, classes, etc. -- whether it's a Zumba, retirement planning, language skills, volunteering, etc. churches are great places to get involved.

-Take yourself out to lunch by yourself.

-Practice a hobby. Being able to entertain yourself whether he is around or not is very helpful.

-Join the Y or a gym. Exercise will help you be healthier all around. It's a great stress reliever and is fun.

-Volunteer. Volunteering is also a great way to see how capable you truly are.

As you practice doing things by yourself, you will start to meet more people. As you meet more people you will widen your circle of friends.

Also, finding a job, even a part-time job will help you feel more capable and self-sufficient.

You don't have to decide everything today. But if you choose one thing to try differently, it can lead to a lot more.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Ladies I know this is the Lounge, but this is topic which might benefit from male perspective too.@@Sophie74656 I suggest you re-post this on Rants. You might gain some insight as to what your husband might be thinking and best way to approach to save the relationship. Or at this point you may just want some hugs and this may be a better place for those (we guys do tend to want to discuss solving the problem, not talking about feelings - not that there is anything wrong with being a woman, but we are different for a reason...heck if we were both the same, one of us would be redundant). This is a suggestion, not instruction, it depends on where you are in your journey.

My understanding is that The Lounge is open to everyone.

The powder Room is where you are forbidden to enter!

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Thank you everyone. I really just need a hug right now more than anything which ia one of the reasons im going to my moms.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

so just an update

I've been staying at my parents house for the past two nights and just spending the evenings with them talking helps. They've been super supportive and will support no matter what the outcome is. I've been talking with my husband every night too. I call him and we talk a little, and its nice and civil. I think Im going to take a week or so and stay here with my parents and give him his space.

I was able to get an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow morning

my parents have been amazing through all this, super supportive.One of the first things they said was that if I needed or wanted it I could move in with them and they would help with anything money or whatever.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@Sophie74656 good for you, for taking the time to have some clear head space where you feel supported and loved. Your parents sound wonderful, and it's great that you will be able to explore some of your emotions with a therapist. Sometimes being able to express ourselves to someone who is not emotionally invested in us is a great way to gain a clearer perspective.

I know you are very raw and emotional right now and your husband seems to be holding all those cards in his hands. I would like to see you take back your power, even if it's one card at a time. He does not need to be holding the deck of cards over your head as if you were a criminal who did something wrong. A relationship involves more than one person, and if each person is not on equal footing that in itself can cause conflict. So while you are beating yourself up remember that your husband bears some of this responsibility with you.

You deserve to know what's going on in his mind and in his heart. It's part of the commitment he made when you married and started this relationship. Your sharing but it seems as though there isn't much coming back on the other side that is not fair to you. So start being fair to you, give yourself some love the love he is not showing you by simply being civil and giving you the cold shoulder when you ask him about the D word.

I wish you the best of luck I have been there and taking back our power is the single best thing we can do for ourselves especially when your having those moments of terror on the verge of crying...give it a cry, and then own it for yourself.

[Pescador 1,374]

I hurt for you. We can all offer opinions, and it is just that, our opinion. What bothers me is he is waiting until he decides what to do about your marriage. Just a thought, maybe you should be the one to decide about your marriage. You are the only one who knows your love for each other, and what kind of marriage you have. Maybe you should. Seek out a pastor for counseling. Best of luck, I have been where you are and I thank God I am not in that unhappy place anymore. ❤️

[careya123 260]

You should really go to counseling by yourself, in addition to marriage counseling.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I have an appointment for counseling for me for tomorrow

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

Can you accept the fact that he is trying to tell you it's over?Separate bedrooms."Don't push me"?Buzz words for your marriage is over as you know it.He knows your delicate and he is going through an adjustment phase for your benefit.So you start to realize and adapt to the evolution of the relationship.Get counseling for yourself.YOU are worth it.

[ssflbelle 829]

I have been following your progress for awhile now Sophie and I am so sad to hear you are having more problems with your relationship. When I read the first rant about the bench sitting in the restaurant I saw then that you two were having problems. Then to read that you had lost 80 pounds and your husband says he doesn't see it because he sees you every day. Unbelievable. Sophie I think pinkgirl hit it on the nail.

I am glad you are going to a counselor and may have a job and the support of friends and family. You are stronger than you realize and with everyone's help you will get through this.

A divorce is never an easy thing to go through. I know I have been through it at my heaviest weight and worse situation. I too never thought I would survive alone but I sought counselor and I learned how to survive with her help and a lot of hard work on my part. I also sought out a meetup group for separated and divorced people and it helped me during the whole process. I didn't feel so alone and each person was able to offer advise about how to proceed and what the next step might be. I would suggest you seek out as much as you can to make this road a lot less stressful. I used a theme song to get me through and sang it almost every day.

I felt my song was very appropriate and perhaps it might help you to have a theme song.The song is "I will Survive" If your not familiar with the song here are the beginning lyrics, please look for the song on line for all the verses as many of them will apply and I think you will gain support from them. I am not saying you need this one but find one you can call your own. However feel free to use this one if it speaks to you as I am sure many have.

It was I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along

Sophie The ending was what I sung at the top of my lings until I came to believe it.

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Being with my parents has helped a great deal. Im not crying at the drop of a hat and im not panicking. I still don't know if we will get back together or not but the thought of not getting back together isn't making me cry or panic. I was even joking with my parents about how if i start dating again i will be a very cheap date since i don't drink and barely eat.

Thank you so much everyone here for your supportive words and thoughts

[Marie2016 87]

My advise- check out the movie- " the war room" very inspiring.