need emotional support

[Sophie74656 1,572]

My husband and I for a little while now have been in a rough patch. We've been having little fights and such. On Friday I made a very stupid money mistake that caused us a great deal of inconvenience and some extra money, but I took care of it and fixed it right away. So my husband was furious about it. Saturday night he came home and said he wants to start sleeping in our guest room and that he is considering us officially separated, that this mistake on my part was the last straw for him.

this might be temporary this might be permanent. He has not used the D word yet, and he says he's still wearing his ring. We are being civil and durring the evening still talking and being in the living room together and chatting and joking almost like normal. BUt at night we are separate.

In the mean time....He is a social outgoing person, he has a lot of friends. I do not. I am an introverted shy person, I basically have 2 friends, one of whom is currently living in Hawaii. Ever since he told me what he wants I have basically been in a perpetual state of a mild panic attack. My heart is racing, my stomach feels nauseous, I'm always on the verge of crying. I can't sleep and have not eaten anything in two days. I have nobody for support or comfort except my parents and I didn't want them to know yet. But I broke down and called my mom crying and told her the whole story and she was supportive.

He is telling me he needs time and not to push him, that he doesn't know what the future holds, we may get back together, we may not. I'm hoping he just needs some time to cool off and think and that we will work it out. I can't imagine being without him. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to start dating again, and I CAN'T be without him. Yes I might be having some unhealthy attachment/codependency issues and a fear of being alone...but I do love him very much and still want to be with him. I am truly hoping he just needs some time to cool down so we can talk it out. I've offered to go to therapy but our insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling and right now he doesn't want to go he said "I mentioned that a year ago now it's too late" Maybe if and when he's ever ready to get back together we can try that somehow.

My mother took me shopping yesterday to help take my mind off things and after that I spent a few hours at their house. While I was there I felt better but as soon as I got back to my own apartment I immediately felt that chest tightening, stomach turning urge to cry. So I want to spend a few nights, maybe a week at my parents house for myh own health. It seems to have a calming effect and maybe I'll be able to sleep and eat something. Plus I think being away from him for a few days will help in that I am without realizing it doing what he considers pushing and I don't wan to push him away right now while this is still fresh.

I just don't know what to do. I don't have a job right now, I have an offer to be a part time bank teller but that doesn't pay enough to get my own apartment,and I have a 2nd interview for a position in the mornign that hopefully will pay well, but it's still not enough for my own place here in NJ. But assuming somehow I will be able to get my own place, I just don't know how I will be able to survive being alone without him with just the cat for company. I'm not an outgoing person and it is very hard for me to make and keep friends. I'm afraid I will be completely alone for the rest of my life.

I know I have the unconditional support from my parents and even some financial help if I need it, and if I need to I know they will have no issue with me moving in with them permanently, which helps but still...I don't know how to deal with this

I don't know how I'm going to survive this

sorry for being so long I just needed to vent this out

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

It feels awful being rejected. It just does. It's overwhelming. There's no two ways around it.

The really great news is that you have supportive parents.

I think it's also great that you are planning to become more financially independent, no matter how your "trial separation" turns out. That won't be a fast project, but it will surely lead you to greater strength.

In the meantime, I hope you two will go to counseling -- whether you stay together or not. Counseling can help a couple in multiple ways, including helping partners learn how to repair and strengthen their marriage or to separate or even divorce successfully.

In the meantime, try to breathe deeply and slowly. Get some daily exercise, which will also reduce your anxiety. And every day, get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed, make your bed, and accomplish something, no matter how small. It's time to work on yourself -- not to be worthy of your husband, but to love yourself in this tough time.

(Hugs)

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

I am sorry you are going through all of this.

My only suggestions are to have both of you openly discuss your feelings with one another, address issues that bother each of you (in a constructive way) and seek counseling.

I wish you the best.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Right now he doesn't want t talk about the relationship. I hope aftrr he has some time that he will be willinf to talk then

[jane13 2,256]

@@Sophie74656 - I agree with the OPs.

I am curious if what you did Friday, was somehow related to the same reason counseling was brought up by him a year ago, why didn't you go then?

Even if it wasn't the same reason why didn't you agree to go? If someone in a relationship mentions counseling and the other doesn't go, to me, that sends a signal that the relationship is in trouble. Hate to sound negative, but that's my opinion.

That to me is a question you need to answer to yourself, we, BP family, don't need to hear the details.

That may be why he is so angry.

(((((((BIG HUG))))))

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

I'm sorry your marriage is going through this. Honestly just give him time. My hubby and I went through a patch like this and he completely shut me out and shut down I know the thoughts running thru your head its time to just calm down and let him be

[Sophie74656 1,572]

@@Sophie74656 - I agree with the OPs.

I am curious if what you did Friday, was somehow related to the same reason counseling was brought up by him a year ago, why didn't you go then?

Even if it wasn't the same reason why didn't you agree to go? If someone in a relationship mentions counseling and the other doesn't go, to me, that sends a signal that the relationship is in trouble. Hate to sound negative, but that's my opinion.

That to me is a question you need to answer to yourself, we, BP family, don't need to hear the details.

That may be why he is so angry.

(((((((BIG HUG))))))

Friday's issue involved money but it was resolved. Honestlty I don't remember him talking about counceling other than a hypothetical question about it.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Late last night I talked to my friend from Hawaii who is a food friend but far away. She's going through something similar with her husband at the moment so we talked to each other about it for a while. We joked about if both of us come down to the D word that she would come back and we would get an apartment together.

He is seeinf his parents tonight and said he will tell them what's going on so he can't really be mad about my parents knowing. But my parents don't know all of the details either.

This morning he was stillnsaying that the D wors is not on the table right now, but it's not off the table either. And for now that's all i can hope for from him.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I also got some Valerian pills at the store which are supposed to help with anxiety

[Sharon1964 2,530]

Go to counseling by yourself if he won't go.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Go to counseling by yourself if he won't go.

Once i know my work schedule i do want to do that

[gowalking 10,790]

Oh sweetie..I agree with Sharon. You should be in counseling so you can learn how to cope with the idea of being on your own.

I say this because I've been where you are. My husband and I didn't divorce. He passed away and left me with two young children to raise and no real career to fall back on. I had no idea how to live on my own. I still remember what I said when the doctor told me he had died. I kept saying over and over again, 'what am I going to do?'

You need a therapist same as I did. Someone who will help you figure out that you are stronger than you can imagine and can take care of herself. I won't say it was easy, but here I am 20 years after my husband died and my kids are grown and happy. They are good husbands and fathers. I not only got through being alone and on my own...I saw how enjoyable being responsible to only yourself can be.

Please....stop acting out of fear and start being pro-active. If money is the issue, find out what is available from non profit organizations. I found support groups at the local hospital, at my house of worship, and even online.

And yes...I think a few days with mom and dad is a good thing too.

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@Sophie74656

I am so sorry you are going through this. The way you describe your chest tightening, stomach turning and on the verge of tears is definately anxiety.

I know exactly what that feels like and you do not want it to get out of control.

A few years ago I went to a therapist because all of my friends and myself kept getting laid off from work. I had a high paying job and was the bread winner in my family. Had a huge house and property with a huge house payment to go with it. I have exceptional credit and was literally in a panic about my job and my friends. I had never had anxiety or depression but this was doing a huge number on me.

I went and saw a therapist who then sent me to occupational therapy. Let me tell you, this helped me so much. I learned how to meditate and control those feelings of anxiety. Deep breathing and getting yourself healthy is seriously very important.

If you can, I would suggest seeing a physiologist that can help you work through this. Things may work out with your husband but in the end a therapist can help you become much more focused on you.

Honestly the panic that you are feeling is not healthy and that could in itself cause hubby to not get the space he needs which might push him further away.

You first need to work on you. I am glad you are going to your parents for a few days. The space may be good for both of you.

I am sending hugs and prayers your way.

[NikkiDoc 312]

Go to therapy for yourself. Insurance may not pay for marriage counseling but likely will pay for regular mental health visits. I would talk to the therapist about being more independent, about opening up and becoming less of an introvert, about all the changes you have gone through since the surgery, about the panic attacks.

Regretfully I have heard the divorce rate after WLS is high. My co-worker was divorced within 4 years of having the band and that was 4 years too long. He had been cheating on her for years. She was afraid that since she was fat nobody would want her. He continued to cheat. The weight loss finally gave her the self confidence that she was worth something did not have to put up with his disrespectful cheating self so she kicked him to the curb.

I think many obese people stay in marriages since they are afraid no one will want them so they stick with a bad fit for longer than they should. I also think that sometime partners of people that had WLS are either afraid the now thin partner will cheat on them so they push them away or they don't like their now thin partner since many people become more self confident and decisive once they have lost weight. They do become a different person, not a bad way but in a way that is no longer compatible with their current relationship.

I hope you can work it out with your husband. A break at your parents may not be a bad thing.

I am concerned that he said that marriage counseling would be too late now. From what you wrote I am guessing he "hypothetically" brought up the marriage counseling a while ago as a way to feel you out. You weren't enthusiastic about marriage counseling in general so he never actually suggested that you both go. He presented a real life question as a hypothetical one. It wasn't really hypothetical. Now he feels like you said no to marriage counseling but he never really asked you to go.

If you happen to be religious some pastors/priests are trained in marriage counseling.

Try to talk to him again about the marriage counselor even if you have to pay for it yourself. A few sessions may be able to give you some ideas on how to move forward. Trust me, marriage counseling is cheaper than divorce. I also suggest he gets to pick the counselor or you pick a man. I have heard one too many men say the woman counselor is really just siding with another woman and that whatever she said he is doing wrong/non-constructive isn't really wrong. It is just the women folk ganging up on the poor little man. Picking a male counselor can take that whole dynamic out of the mix. Men I am not saying ALL men will do this but OP may as well stack the deck so that it can't happen.

Heck pick a male gay counselor then the excuse can't be he is siding with the wife since he has the hots for her. (Yes, I have heard that one too)

[James Marusek 5,244]

Around 20 years ago my dad died. My mom was a home body. His death affected her greatly and I was concerned she might decide to follow him soon. I told my mom to join some clubs because she needed contact in the outside world. She followed my advice and joined a book club and a church club. This helped her and allowed her to make some friends that followed her throughout the rest of her life. The second thing I did was to send my youngest daughter to live with her for the summer. My youngest daughter wanted to become a doctor and I figured the best approach was to have her work as a volunteer at a hospital during the summer so she could get some experience. She was in her early teens at the time and couldn't drive. And the hospital was close to my mom's house. So I felt it was killing 2 birds with one stone. My daughter would get some experience that could someday help in her career. My mom would get companionship, she would get purpose (driving my daughter to and from the hospital). It worked well that summer so we repeated it the next summer also. My daughter is a medical doctor today, in part because of this.

So if I offer some advice, it is to get involved in some club or group. To begin with are you attending Bariatric Surgery Support Group Meetings? Generally they are free and are held once per month. But there are a variety of groups out there such as computer group meetings. Sometimes groups hold their meetings at libraries. That might be one place to look.