Did I do the right thing?

[briannadoeslife 11]

Unlike when I had my sleeve done I haven't had that "what did I do to myself?" moment but I am starting to feel like this may have been pointless.

My boyfriend(who I live with) says he's supportive and has no problem telling me I can't have things but at the same time he wants me to cook for him or bring him dinner or sit by while he eats fast food. It kills me and I end up cheating because I can't resist. I know I have a food addiction and binge eating disorder so food can and has brought me to tears(both because of eating and because of restricting). Unless you suffer from this you really don't understand, its to the point where he's getting mad at me because he shouldn't have to change his eating just because I've had to. I don't know what to do anymore...

I can't have gone through all this only to fail...

[M!@ 320]

Brianna, I am sorry you are having to deal with what sounds like an non-supportive partner. You are correct, I cannot understand the food addiction aspects of the struggle. I have been eating healthy several years, and what caused my obesity was medication. However, I do understand the having to cook food for the family and them wanting fast food. And I can tell you what I have done in the past.

But first off, let me say your boyfriend's lack of support may be just lack of knowledge. My husband said the same thing a long time ago, why should I have to change because you are? And I said you are correct, you shouldn't "have to" and left it at that.

What I did was make meals that were healthier for me in terms of options, that is if I was making steak, potatoes, and a veggie, I would only eat steak and veggie, or make a killer salad to cut my steak over, or even eat part of a sweet potato. If they wanted fast food, I would go, order a burger with extra lettuce and no bun, or a taco salad no shell, etc. etc. Did you know that McDonald's has egg white? who knew, the things you find out just by asking. Not people will look crazy at you sometimes, but what the hell.

What happened with my family is they would see all these great looking things they wanted to try that I was making for myself. Like the loaded salad, or even the Greek yogurt, or spaghetti made with spaghetti squash rather than noodle, or the Pasta or rice dishes that I subbed with cauliflower. Slowly over time, things changed. They were ogling my food, and requesting that I make more of that. My husband finally said it made him feel left out when I would get so involved with making my own food, despite we were all sitting at the table. He then told me to just make everyone's food the way I make mine, and I did. Granted I still bake Desserts and give them the other stuff from time to time, but it was a fairly smooth transition. Years later, him and the kids don't remember when they started eating Greek yogurt, or drinking 2 percent milk, or cottage cheese with fruit in it. They don't know why they request spaghetti squash spaghetti or mashed cauliflower. And nobody is upset that some of the ingredients are sugar free or fat free or all natural.

I say all of that to say that sometimes for those on the outside, being supportive for something like this is very new, and you have to move forward regardless. There are thousands of recipes for making healthy, delicious options out there. And many restaurants have healthier options or foods which you can transform by taking something out. Make this work for you.

[briannadoeslife 11]

Thank you, this was a great message. I guess I haven't felt all that motivated with, well, life. I'll be giving my therapist a call on Monday and we'll go from there. Thank you again, I can't wait to move to solid foods and start cooking for myself again.

[M!@ 320]

Oh and don't forget your hormones may be playing a role in how you are feeling. You have been through major surgery and your body may be trying to adjust. Mood swings, etc. are common at this time.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have gone through phases on this topic. There was a time when I would hide in my bedroom rather than watch people eat. How it has evolved though is I cook a Protein, a veggie, make a salad and then make rice,potato or Pasta for the guys. I eat the first 3, they feel like they are getting a gourmet meal - winwin all around.

I live with my grown sons and if they want junk food, they buy it and keep it in their rooms. The rule of the house is if there are Cookies, ice cream etc in the main living area of the house I am likely to eat it, toss it, or some combination thereof. I feel no guilt for that. I don't expect them to eat like I do,but I don't want it under my nose either.

Luckily they aren't fast food take out fans. They have my taste for higher quality food.

However truth is lousy food surrounds us. There is a reason I don't watch regular tv, I don't want to watch food porn, all the pushing of candy and chips and fast food that is literally killing our country. When I go into the office, junk food is at everyone's desk. It has taken me a long time to not want a fistful of candy every time I see a bowl of it.

I am 4 years out , and while I am so much better, my drive for sweets and stuff rears its ugly head based on visual and odor cues. I don't have an answer except I like the trim me so much better than the obese me that I remain diligent. Whenever I doubt that, I look at my before and after photos.

You can do this, he is rght,he shouldn't have to change (unless he wants a healthier life) but it is asking alot for you to sit there and watch/smell while he eats your trigger foods. Hopefully your counselor has some good strategies for you.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

The comment that bothers me is that he wants you to watch him eat. I had a mean old rotten ex-husband who wanted me to watch him watch TV and not leave the room, even to go to bed. That's control and intentional sabotage.

Does he feel like he is losing something if you lose more weight. Would he have a tantrum if you eat grilled chicken salad while he eats a Big Mac of if you do something else while he eats?

Tell us more about the dynamic working here. It might make a difference in what direction we go with our comments. I am all for walking away from jerks - life is too short to live with a jerk. Others feel that more direct conversation or self-examination is the way to go. Please clue us in on where you stand with him, apart from the weight loss issue.

[Djmohr 6,965]

Hopefully your hormones are just out of whack making you feel this way. You have lost a significant amount of weight already so I would guess that getting healthy really is important to you.

Having all of this junk around does make it much harder and there are times when we all slip but it should be the exception and not the rule.

The other thing is, it is very hard to force the people around you to change because of your disease but like others said it doesn't mean you can't make that happen albeit slowly.

I am the cook in my family and just started changing how I cook. I make a Protein, veggie and salad almost every night. Maybe once or twice a week I will make a potato, rice or other starch. Sometimes I have a spoonful of mashed potatoes sometimes I choose not to. I have found over time that my hubby likes this new way of eating and actually requests many of these foods.

I have also learned that he can have his fast food for lunch when he chooses and it really does not bother me anymore. For me, that food is just no longer desirable and I used to eat it everyday. When I think about what I ate before, it sickens me. How many times I would stop on my way home at McDonald's eat crap from there and then go home to cook for my family.

I am glad you are talking to a therapist on Monday. Give yourself some time to adjust and give your man a break too. They didn't choose this so it may take some time to adjust as well.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

When you move onto more solid foods, maybe make meals that are healthy for both of you that you both can enjoy.

Sit down and tell him that he could relate this to someone having an addiction who was trying to clean themselves up.

He wouldn't smoke or drink alcohol in front of them (not saying he does) while they are recovering. Maybe he could see why eating fast food or fattening Snacks in front of you at this stage similarly?

Trust me, it gets better.

Congratulations on your surgery and weight loss so far! You made the right choice.

Edited January 31, 2016 by 4MRB4PHOTO

[VDLT 244]

Before I had surgery I told my husband that we were just going to each have to fend for ourselves food wise and that there might be times we would not eat together. So much importance is placed on eating and eating together, but I have found out it is not that big a deal if we do other things together. While I have not been able to get him to eat better or go with me on walks etc, he has taken to the idea of fending for himself.

I make what I want/need to eat and he is welcome to have some. I try to plan two meals or three meals for the week that I can eat and I know he will enjoy, and one of us makes them. I eat what I can and he can have my leftovers the next day while I eat one of my other approved meals. I do the shopping and ask him to put whatever he wants on the list and I purchase it. He goes out to lunch without me sometimes and gets the food he wants. Sometimes he will bring something home and eat while I have my own meal and it doesn't bother me.

What I am trying to say and please don't think this is mean, but you are doing this for yourself and need to do what you need to do. There is no reason why you need to sit and watch him eat. If he wants to eat crap that's fine, but you don't have to and shouldn't sit by and watch if it is going to make you crave that stuff. You need to say that you are doing this for you and that while he does not have to do the same, that you will need to make some changes to be successful, to not be hurt if you have to change your life a bit, and to find other things you can do together that do not involve eating.

Edited February 1, 2016 by VDLT

[bobbyacker 2]

You have to make this about taking care of you! And stand up for yourself. If he wants something unhealthy, he can make it himself. You should make a list of healthy alternatives to the junk. Also I keep a few things in stock that I can go to when I'm feeling frantic. Things that won't do too much damage. Dill pickles, sugar free Jello or Popsicles. I completely understand your addiction. Im down 130 Lbs but have had to put myself and my needs first.

Bobby

[highonlifega1970 11]

I have a quick question.I'm 12 days out my hormones are raging.I take 200 mgs of Zoloft a day.I also have pcos which don't help.I feel like my zoloft not working.I talked to my surgeon but he said that the sleeve has nothing to do with my,emotions

I've been married 25 years and hubby so upset at me when i get snappy.I try to explain to him about my hormones he don't understand.I cry for no reason.My hubby always been a ass guess that's why,im on 200 mgs zoloft.

Any suggestion be apprecated