Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[bellabloom 2,467]

I also went through an emotionally abusive marriage with my kids father. 8 years of slamming my appearance and I'd had enough.

Basically he liked to keep me emotionally downtrodden to deal with his own insecurities and fears. He insulted me daily about my weight and yet sabotaged every diet I went on and forbade me to have surgery. ????

This sounds a lot like your situation. My ex decided it was his way only- exercise the weight off. Which never worked for me and by the end I was too fat to work out anyway. He said that I embarrassed him and that is let myself go.

He never loved me unconditionally.

I left the relationship, had surgery, lost the weight, and have not looked back.

I don't know your entire situation but what you're going through IS abuse. And it's not going to get better on its own. You need to seriously consider some changes, some tough conversations, or honestly your marriage may not be long in the world. Because ultimately when someone is abusing you, it eventually comes down to you or them. If I'd stayed with my ex it would have killed me- it already had emotionally and it likely would have killed me physically too. I was that unhappy.

Your husband may be a pastor but he is not "walking the walk." But that's his own stuff. Marriage is hard and it does take work. I would seriously consider marriage counseling If you haven't already. It didn't work for me and my ex but it may work for you guys.

I also gained weight on purpose to qualify at 40bmi. I had to gain 5 pounds. Ate my heart out, still couldn't quite gain it, ended up with weights in my bra. Only to find out I qualified with co-morbid conditions but heh oh well. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do to have this surgery. Man, 5 pounds up changed my life!!! That was the best couple of pounds I EVER gained.

You say you've spoken out to your husband to stop. I did too. I literally begged on hands and knees. He needs a serious wake-up call. I mean SERIOUS. Because he is going to end up losing you.

Mine lost me... And pines for me still. 1.5 years later I still get puppy dog eyes and midnight texts and compliments. a*****e.

Edited January 31, 2016 by bellabloom

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

There's a hard truth here no one seems to be addressing: We cannot make someone love us or be attracted to us who simply doesn't / isn't.

You can patch it together, fake it, make the other person feel guilty for being "superficial," stay together for financial or familial or ideological reasons, or even spend the rest of your life trying to look or behave in specific ways that you hope will make you worthy enough for the other person's love or respect.

But it's a hard way to live. And eventually it won't sustain itself.

Finally, the concept of offering your troubled marriage up to the congregation's inspection and discipline invites a world of weirdness into your situation. If you think you're misunderstood by your husband, get ready to be misunderstood by random people who will want to wallow in the drama and to school you about just how wrong you are. Do you really want go there?

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I'm very worried for you, Blue Sky. After surgery, can you maybe pilfer some grocery/errand money aside and start saving for the "rainy day" where you can move out? You can apply for housing since you are accepted on disability and will get Medicaid and heating/fuel assistance. I'd research your options while you are recovering and get a plan in place.

And this is the petty jerk in me that probably would inflame the situation, but can you record him berating you and play it back to "embarrass" him the next time he gets on his high horse? Maybe some members of the congregation need to hear how he treats his flock.

Grrrrrrr.

I haven't applied for disabilty yet. I plan to apply this week...I've been putting it off, and I've been in pain from surgery. Prayerfully I will be approved. I think it would help me to feel I have some money coming in. Recording him would be great...except in our arguments...I get so hurt and angry, that I have said mean things too. So, no go on that!

As someone who is on disability, DON'T PUT IT OFF. The process is not easy and can take YEARS. You need to start the documentation process as soon as possible.

There are two kinds of disability: regular Social Security or SSI.

Unless your disability is on a specific list of extremely severe disabilities (what I think of as the no-brainers -- like being a parapalegic), then you will most likely be denied.

I was denied and then had to get an attorney for an appeal and go through the hearing process.

Get a REPUTABLE attorney. Our state just went through a disaster where a shyster lawyer was finally indicted and all of his clients are at risk of losing benefits (not just the fraud cases).

You really can't count on disability until you have it in hand.

Best of luck.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I doubt this is an issue of her husband not being attracted to her. It's an issue of power and control when someone is abusive. My ex insulted me daily and yet was in constant demand of sex from me at every weight. He was extremely attracted to me. Didn't have any effect on his telling me I looked like a donut. In fact I think it made it worse. He was ashamed of his own attraction.

This hasn't got anything to do with her or her looks. Her husband is an abuser, period.

Money was a major reason I didn't leave sooner. I secretly saved money and also went to family for help.

Edited January 31, 2016 by bellabloom

[Babbs 14,680]

@@bellabloom

Just because someone is demanding sex from you, doesn't mean they're automatically attracted to you. That is also a control issue.

That's like naively saying rapists are only in it for the sex.

[bellabloom 2,467]

@@bellabloom

Just because someone is demanding sex from you, doesn't mean they're automatically attracted to you. That is also a control issue.

That's like naively saying rapists are only in it for the sex.

Well, sure I suppose. Anyway in my case, my ex was still attracted to me overweight. I don't know this woman's husbands mind so who knows what makes him tick- but him not being attracted to her (if that's the case which I doubt) is still NO excuse for the fact that he is abusing her emotionally. Some men are attracted to overweight women and feel ashamed of it and so they mistreat them.

Who knows what his deal is. I bet the op is a beautiful person inside and out. She deserves better.

[samantha614 12]

How nice of your Christian husband. Smh.

[luvcamaro 5]

Honey, I am so sorry for him making you feel this way. I had a partial hysterectomy (just uterus and cervix) 2 years ago and ended up gaining 60 lbs in less than a year. I had a lap band in 2006 and went from 230 to 160 and fluctuated between 160 and 190 for a long time. Then bam! up to 250 the biggest I've ever been. I had complications with my band and got it removed and the sleeve done on Jan 7th. so far I have lost 21lbs since surgery and 35 lbs since thanksgiving. My boyfriend did not notice my weight gain or loss, I think that shows he loves me for who I am, but he also likes girls with a little extra. My mother on the other hand is a big negativity person. Also growing up with a tiny big sister who has never been bigger than a size 6 and is a size 2 normally and a mother who at 60 is still a size 8-10 was a battle.

My mother always thought pointing out my rolls or jiggleiness would motivate me to loose weight. Or, when I told her I lost 10lbs she would say "you have alot more to go" or "good, loose more". And then when i gained my weight after the hyster she would criticize everything I ate and always point out I was gaining weight and getting bigger, and finally at my biggest 250lbs and a size 18/20 she told me "I was huge". I had a sit down talk with her and found out that, that is just the was that she is. She loves me more than anything and she jst wants me to be healthy and happy. I mentioned to her that the negative reinforcement was not working for me and just made me feel like nothing and wanted to just eat more. I also said that I needed her support to change for this surgery and I needed more positivity. It took a bit for her to understand but it got better. Now when I tell her I lost weight she says "good job" or she will point out how baggy my pants are. She will still throw in a little negativity but not as bad and with a positive. The other day I tild her that I have lost 35lbs so far and she said "wow, good job! Now 55more to go."

Just sit down and have a talk with him, it may be that he loves you for you he just does not know the correct motivation. Just talk to him, maybe try a marriage counselor if you would like a 3rd party present. This is going to be very emotionally straining time. If he will not change to support you the way you need to be supported there is something wrong with him not your. Just tell him how you feel and what you need. If he is not there for you or better or worse then he is not a true Christian and did not take his marriage vows seriously. Tell him, changes are happening and he can either be around to see it, or he can not, but you are not going to take his negativity and hurtfulness anymore. You deserve better and you deserve the support you need.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BOTH INSIDE AND OUT!!!!!

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Hmmmmm, why didn't I think of this sooner???? If there is Domestic Violence Training in your county or state, your hubby and you should sign up for it. In Illinois it is pr

The training is geared toward Police, Fire, Teachers, Medical Professionals, Psychiatrists, Marriage Counsellors, Shelter Volunteers, Pastors....anyone in a professional capacity who is likely to counsel in a volatile Domestic situation.

If he got involved in that kind of certified professional training, it would be like a veil lifted from his eyes and you would not have to say another word.

[oceangirlpc 68]

Pray for his soul...... not yours. You are how God created you to be. You can fix appearances but mama always said you can't fix a person from acting ugly. That is Gods' work. God bless you.

[Pescador 1,374]

I survived a four year abusive maniac when I was 39, after a 20 year marriage. My advice would be to get through your surgeries, take care of yourself, and get yourself in a position of being self supported with a job and a positive support system. The future will be brighter!!!!!!!! Best of luck, keep focused!

[Cape Crooner 589]

Hmmmmm, why didn't I think of this sooner???? If there is Domestic Violence Training in your county or state, your hubby and you should sign up for it. In Illinois it is pr

The training is geared toward Police, Fire, Teachers, Medical Professionals, Psychiatrists, Marriage Counsellors, Shelter Volunteers, Pastors....anyone in a professional capacity who is likely to counsel in a volatile Domestic situation.

If he got involved in that kind of certified professional training, it would be like a veil lifted from his eyes and you would not have to say another word.

I may be old school (63), but when did a spouse telling his/her wife that "eating Starbursts will make fat" become Domestic Violence?

I've been married 36 years and along the way to becoming 80 lbs overweight, my wife told me "to stop eating so much" many times along the way.

It was hurtful to hear, but absolutely true and probably helped motivate me to finally take action.

Do you think anyone struggling with obesity should be eating Starbursts?

Do you think any average weight person enjoys seeing their spouse gain weight (while continuing to overeat)?

Do you think spouses should speak honestly about their feelings with one another, particularly in matters of health?

I'm not saying preacher boy is in the right, but I've read nothing here that convinces me he's ready to be charged with a crime!

I'm still waiting to learn if the OP has told him how SHE FEELS about her weight and his lack of support.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Cape Crooner

[Bluesky1 191]

I also went through an emotionally abusive marriage with my kids father. 8 years of slamming my appearance and I'd had enough.

Basically he liked to keep me emotionally downtrodden to deal with his own insecurities and fears. He insulted me daily about my weight and yet sabotaged every diet I went on and forbade me to have surgery.

This sounds a lot like your situation. My ex decided it was his way only- exercise the weight off. Which never worked for me and by the end I was too fat to work out anyway. He said that I embarrassed him and that is let myself go.

He never loved me unconditionally.

I left the relationship, had surgery, lost the weight, and have not looked back.

I don't know your entire situation but what you're going through IS abuse. And it's not going to get better on its own. You need to seriously consider some changes, some tough conversations, or honestly your marriage may not be long in the world. Because ultimately when someone is abusing you, it eventually comes down to you or them. If I'd stayed with my ex it would have killed me- it already had emotionally and it likely would have killed me physically too. I was that unhappy.

Your husband may be a pastor but he is not "walking the walk." But that's his own stuff. Marriage is hard and it does take work. I would seriously consider marriage counseling If you haven't already. It didn't work for me and my ex but it may work for you guys.

I also gained weight on purpose to qualify at 40bmi. I had to gain 5 pounds. Ate my heart out, still couldn't quite gain it, ended up with weights in my bra. Only to find out I qualified with co-morbid conditions but heh oh well. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do to have this surgery. Man, 5 pounds up changed my life!!! That was the best couple of pounds I EVER gained.

You say you've spoken out to your husband to stop. I did too. I literally begged on hands and knees. He needs a serious wake-up call. I mean SERIOUS. Because he is going to end up losing you.

Mine lost me... And pines for me still. 1.5 years later I still get puppy dog eyes and midnight texts and compliments. a*****e.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm sorry that you were so hurt in your marriage. I can certainly relate.

I have suggested counseling, and he has ignored it, or said he that it wasn't a good time to talk about it. He told me yesterday that no man wants a fat wife...if they're being honest. I think there is truth in that. But, being mean and demeaning never helps me to lose weight, it just drives me to eat even more. This weight issue is hard for him, because #1 He doesn't struggle with food and weight. #2 He met me 70 lbs lighter, and he had never seen me heavy. It is something that I too would probably have a hard time with if it were reversed. BUT, again...it does't give him a license to hurt me, especially because I am planning to do something DRASTIC (surgery) in 3 weeks. I hope that things change. I love him and I don't want to divorce.

[Bluesky1 191]

There's a hard truth here no one seems to be addressing: We cannot make someone love us or be attracted to us who simply doesn't / isn't.

You can patch it together, fake it, make the other person feel guilty for being "superficial," stay together for financial or familial or ideological reasons, or even spend the rest of your life trying to look or behave in specific ways that you hope will make you worthy enough for the other person's love or respect.

But it's a hard way to live. And eventually it won't sustain itself.

Finally, the concept of offering your troubled marriage up to the congregation's inspection and discipline invites a world of weirdness into your situation. If you think you're misunderstood by your husband, get ready to be misunderstood by random people who will want to wallow in the drama and to school you about just how wrong you are. Do you really want go there?

I think that this is about weight. My husband doesn't want to be fat (exercises and eats clean) and he doesn't want me to be heavy. His way of dealing with it is wrong, and it is heartbreaking. As far as going to leadership in church...it is biblical to go to the elders if a person isn't responding to the fact that they are hurting someone repeatedly. It isn't going before the whole congregation immediately. It doesn't seem to be an issue at the moment, because I went to the Pastors wife, and the Pastor hasn't addressed it with me at all.

[Bluesky1 191]

@ @@Babbs, @@samantha614 @@bellabloom

Thanks for your input on the attraction topic. He has no problem having sex with me. He has never had overweight partners in his past, so I don't think he secretly has a thing for fat girls. Also, a man's "part" does not work if he isn't attracted.

Truthfully, I don't want to spend any more time trying to "figure him out". I am trying to heal from this big surgery that I just had, and prepare for my sleeve surgery on Feb. 23rd. I don't know the future. I pray that counseling will help, once I am healed enough to go regularly. I need to have my trust in God that no matter what the outcome, he said He would never leave me or forsake me. Even if people do.

As far as him being a Christian, he is definitely falling short and in sin with his meanness. And, I have my own sin in my own life, that I need to repent from. That is WHY we need Jesus Christ. We are all broken people, who need the Holy Spirit to be better than what we naturally are.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Bluesky1