Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[Bluesky1 191]

I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Is there a women's shelter in your area? If so, call them. They will help you. Next, find a lawyer to help you with the disability paperwork(They do not charge until you get paid). If this doesn't get his attention and he isn't willing to go through counseling, have the lawyer file the divorce paperwork as well. You are not stuck, there are ways to get help!

Thank you for your concern. Yes, there is a shelter in my area. They have great support groups, that I have attended in the past. But, I don't plan to go there now. I'm not sure if you had a chance to read all of my posts, but a lot has changed in a short amount of time regarding my husband and my weight. He is seeing the change in just 14 days post op, and he has had nothing but kind things to say. I didn't marry him at the weight I got to, and it just wasn't attractive to him. To be honest, while I don't condone what he has said that has been cruel, and unkind...I have tried putting myself in his shoes, and I don't think after less than 2 years of a relationship...I would want him to put on a large amount of weight. So, in some ways I understand. And he isn't a food addict in the way I am....and he can eat normally...he simply doesn't get that I would eat fattening things, when I said I was unhappy with my weight.

So, again thank you. And if my situation warrants going to a shelter...I definitely will.

As far as Disability...the information I have gotten is to get an attorney if you are denied. I haven't applied yet. Just in the process...it's a LONG application.

[Bluesky1 191]

So glad he is supporting you now...and making a real effort. People (me included!!!) Can really mess up, even when they care alot.

I want to throw another thought out there. Sometimes we are so incredibly SELF critical about our weight that a small criticism even feels like a crushing blow. I hated being obese so I imagined my ex hated me for it. I lost 125# when I asked him if he'd noticed. It became clear that my weight was not the central issue in our relationship even though it was hard for me to imagine that it wasn't.

And now for a little humor...when I was obese, I didn't feel too desirable physically. So, now I am dating and an unreal number of men indicate liking a woman who is at least a little overweight. Seriously. .. I finally have a skinny butt and fat ones are all the rage! ! You have to have a sense of humor about it too.

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You are so right...we as human beings can mess up. Especially if you have learned a dysfunctional way of loving from your upbringing.

As far as a small criticism seeming like a crushing blow....yes, it definitely did. I hate being obese....it's also hard when it's coming from someone who looks like a statue (my husband has a gorgeous body), who has never had a weight issue. My husband has told me, I love you....but, no....I'm not attracted to you overweight, and it is not how I met you. We've only been together for 3 years (married a year and a half), and he met me 80 lbs lighter than I am. So, he feels like it's not OK with him. I do feel that is his right to express. But, I don't think he should say it mean (and he has).

Having said that, he has been saying noting but kind things to me since surgery. He started calling me skinny today. He can see that the surgery is helping me lose weight, and he said he's excited to have his wife back. I'm so glad I followed my own truth, and pressed on (even when he was against the surgery). I think we will both be happier. Will all our marital issue be solved? Probably not. But, it's a start.

The fat butt's being the rage is Hysterical! So funny! It's true....these young gals are injecting their's butts. I think it looks terrible. I can't wait till I have a skinny butt!

On another note...did you have the surgery? I saw an update about your preparing, but you're profile says you had it...just curious.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. You're perspective was spot on. Have a great night!

[Bluesky1 191]

On a practical note: For your hunger issue, are you on a ppi to control stomach acid? I had to try two before I found one that worked, and once that kicked in, the hunger pangs went away. I had never had acid issues before, getting it under control made a huge difference.

Maybe I need to try another. I am on Zantac twice a day. But, I do feel a gnawing in my stomach, especially at night. Which one worked for you? I have my post-op on Thursday, and I may ask to change. I hope I can have pureed...anything...I am so tired of liquids, and sweet taste.

[Briardlady 73]

I started on famotidine, did nothing. Went to prilosec, worked better, but not great. Protonix worked, but at a very high dose. Currently on Prevacid, which is working at a lower dose. I was so glad I had read that hunger could be caused by acid, those hunger pangs were making my life miserable!

[stevecfo 9]

I would throw a brick at his head

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[rhayla 53]

I don't think he is a Christian. What would Jesus do? Pretty much the opposite of what this husband does.

[ibedebi 5]

Stay strong until you're back on your feet after surgery, then leave his ass.

[JupiterinVirgo 846]

This man is unworthy of you. You'll see.

[composed 26]

This man is acting abusively and I believe what you are dealing with is a personality disorder. Tuck yourself away and read this book and HIDE it from him for your safety : The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. If it fits then I think you need to make a safety plan. Ignore his attacks which are nothing to do with anything about you and everything to do with his incapacity for empathy coupled with a lack of conscience. I'd guess he's got a 'blame and punish' mindset . Normal men have empathy and would support you in these exact circumstances. Hugs to you.

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[biglady904 65]

I will pray for you and I love you stay strong

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[rebecca wills 190]

Is he a Christian? The Bible has some strong advice for husbands. That they should love them as the famine one, the weaker vessel. That means taking into consideration your feelings, emotional make up. The wife is to honor and respect her husband. That needs to be earned. The Bible translation doesn't use obey in newer translations. Relationship should be built on Love and mutual respect. Maybe he needs a little time reading the words from creator of marriage. Selfish is as Selfish Does! Sorry your dealing with this idiot!

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[skinnychic16 22]

Bluesky1,

My ex-husband used to refuse to sleep with me because I am fat. He would even hesitate to pose with me in pictures. Now, this is a guy who is obese and has high cholesterol. Yes, I'm fat, but I exercise 5-6 days a week at an intense level, and my labs are better than a teenager's. Like you, my BMI was just over 35, and I almost didn't qualify for surgery. I lived with the a*****e because I wanted my child to have an intact family. Then I decided that I did not have to take his bullshit, and got a divorce. I'm much happier now. I'm getting a VSG tomorrow to Celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my divorce. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad without your permission!!

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Edited July 6, 2016 by skinnychic16

[ashgru 17]

Im sorry for this, i know it must hurt really bad, but put your head up and remember you have others that love you and alot of friends that support you!! Remember you come 1st,2nd and3rd!!

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[HeavenlyGirl101 36]

Thank you for your words. You are absolutley right that having emotional turmoil on top of the surgery isn't good. I am in counseling (secular) and I've told him we both need to be. Of course he ignores my requests, or tells me he's busy and he'll get back to me about it. I think (as soon as I'm well enough) I will

begin going to a Christian counselor (with or without him). My faith is important to me, and I do love him...it's his meaness around my weight and my looks that I hate.

I am totally doing this surgery to be healthy and happier (whether I was married or not). This has been a 25 year battle that I have continued to lose.

Since I am in a lot of physiclal pain from surgery, and will soon be in more pain...I will have to live with this for at least a while. I realize I have to get support from elsewhere for this surgery. I'm so afraid that once I have it he will find ways to make things harder for me. So sad...or course he wasn't this horrible when we were dating and engaged...but there were signs. I should have dealt with them then. But, he assured me God had healed some things.

Prayerfuly I will find some peace in this. Thanks again for your response.

My husband was the same way. He was very hateful and fat shaming. I'm separated now. Had to completely cut him off. I get my surgery on 8/5 and I believe that he would still have abused me with or without the weight. Someone like that is sick and really hates themselves. I'm sorry. Prayers to you. Oh and btw mine claimed to be a Christian too. Christian means Christ-like. Hmmmmm. Not so much.

If things don't change before you have surgery, they will only get worse. I don't know why but life changing events, whether it be WLS or not, tend to bring out the worse in some people. I would encourage you at a minimum to get some counseling to figure out why this behavior is acceptable to you but you both really need to be in counseling.

Have you ever heard that saying "we teach people how to treat us"? It is soooo very true. It's similar to parenting a child. If you let them get away with something over and over, they come to expect that is the way it will always be. However, if you set rules and boundaries and are consistent, they know what to expect. If you continue to allow him to treat you this way, this is how you will be treated.

I am going to assume that you are having surgery so you can be healthy, have a better quality of life and live longer, right? Everyone deals with bad things happening to them, that's just life. However, there are things in our life that we have control over. Whether you are overweight or not, how can you have quality of life being in emotional turmoil all the time? Your marriage is very new, is this a preview to what forever will be like?

This process has been so emotional for me, I cannot even imagine having to deal with something like this as well.

I wish you luck. I hope you can find some peace and things work out for you.

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