Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[Bluesky1 191]

Agreed with the above statement. There is nothing in the OP's statements that suggest he is using "tough love" or saying something right in the wrong way. He is emotionally and mentally abusive, plan and simple.

Telling your spouse what they can and can't eat is controlling behavior that is very typical in abusive relationships. The OP states that she is completely dependent on him, which may be circumstantial, but it is another very common aspect of abuse. Make them dependent on you, and they can't leave. Verbally beat them down to make them think they aren't worthy of their love, or anyone else's, and they stay because they believe they are lucky enough to have anyone. While her husbands actions and statements might not seem like huge red flags flashing "Abusive person alert!" these things tend to escalate. It never goes from 0 to 100 over night, it's a relatively slow and gradual shift.

To the OP - I am very very sorry that your husband is treating you this way. I am very happy to hear you are going to get counseling, I think that is a positive step in the right direction. Please know that there are a lot of support groups out there that can help you for both your spousal issues and your health/WLS needs. I find it very interesting that while he is "disgusted" by your weight, he does not support you in your decision to get WLS which would help you to lose the weight. Also, it seems like maybe a good portion of your weight gain was health related? You mentioned applying for disability benefits, I just wonder if the weight gain was because of overeating/food addiction or because of your health problems. Either way, I truly hope that it helps you find what you need and gets you to a better place.

I agree that control is abuse. He doesn't think so, of course. He says he wants me to be healthy, in my opinion...if diets continue to fail....if I were him, I would be happy that I'm having the surgery. His complaint, is that he feels that I should follow his diet and exercise plan, and if that didn't work...get the surgery. He has no comprehension of how many diets, exercises, diet pills, 12 Step programs, books I've read....to get thinner and stay thinner...only to be at my heaviest weight. I am also not sure I will have insurance in April, so not having the surgery...is simply not an option. I am also DONE...totally done trying without the surgery.

When I met my husband 3 years ago, I was 70 lbs lighter. In his defense, that is a lot of weight. But, I had told him I just lost 50 lbs right before meeting him.

I haven't filed for disability yet, I've been anxious, in pain, and nervous to apply. I have all my records, I just need to do it I plan on really doing it this week.

My weight has been a battle since I was a teenager. I was thin, but I exercised incessantly, took diet pills, took drugs, tried to throw-up, I did everything I could not to gain weight. And over the years I have gone up and down. My current health issues make it harder to exercise for long periods. But my bigger issue is that I've used food to deal with a lot trauma in my life. I'm a volume eater, with a sugar and carb addiction. My BMI is 35 (I had to gain 7 pounds for the surgery). But, I am the niece, sister, and daughter of morbidly obese people...and I see where this goes if I don't do something drastic.

So, I pray to just get through this time. Hopefully things will get better at home when I'm not battling the food, my body, and my husband.

[Bluesky1 191]

If he is this unsupportive and unhelpful after your hysterectomy, how will he cope with recovery from the sleeve? You need to reach out a friend or family member to make arrangements for a safe place to heal if and when things go south. If you are staying with him solely because you've got no place to go, you need to look into other options. Additionally, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Just because you're living in his house doesn't mean he's off the hook for spousal support or can simply put you on the street. You have legal rights and entitlements. Don't allow yourself to be abused simply because you think you have no options.

Hopefully he won't be be this way, but he may. I wish that going to a family member or friends house was an option. I move from another state, my mom lives in a studio apartment, and I don't have any friends here....mainly acquaintances. We may be headed for a divorce, I'm just not there yet. I would want a separation first. Hopefully within a year or so, when I've recovered from all of this....I will see more clearly what to do next.

[Bluesky1 191]

I'm so sorry you're going throught this at a time when you're so vulnerable and healing from your surgery. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, my heart goes out to you. I would caution you to avoid engaging him in verbal attacks. If he starts in on you, make some non-verbal sound like"hummm" and walk away. He wants you to respond, get upset and engage in some kind of argument with him. DON'T. Just leave him with his hurtful words and walk away. You really don't have to respond. Then, go and find something to make your day bright...find someone or something to serve. You can make things for the homeless shelter, call homebound parishoners (since your husband is the preacher) ...just find something to fill your life and mind with what the Savior would do. Serve in whatever way you can. You are needed!

After you're healed from your surgeries set some boundaries on how long you will stay in this relationship if it doesn't change. Realize you are not responsible for his actions and words. You cannot change him, only yourself. Focus on your gratitude for this surgery and the many ways it will effect your life in a positive manner. Make lists of the things you hope to able to do as the weight comes off. Explore options in the event you have to leave him and set up a support system to accomplish that if needed. Know above all that you have worth and God wants you to have joy in your life.

Your post was so what I needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me not to engage. I do, then I say things I don't want to say...and it just blows up. Thank you for reminding me of my worth. Being in bed and recovering makes you feel a little useless.

I do plan to set a time line once I heal for change counseling. I love my husband. I just don't love being treated this way. He does a lot of things right, good provider, honest, responsible, great friend....it just seems like he's learned some really unhealthy ways to be in our marriage. I'm praying for the both of us.

God bless you for your words.

[Bluesky1 191]

I don't even have to know you personally to tell you this: God does not make mistakes. You are a worthy and deserving human being--just by being born. We have all suffered with our weight with different details--but I am certain that probably most of us have never gotten better with our weight by a significant other berating us, being cruel to us, or emotionally abusing us. I hope you develop some friendships and find some people you can trust (maybe a support group) who can support you through this process. If he cannot see your basic goodness, he isn't good enough to lick the **** off your shoe--let alone be married to you. You are not alone. Millions of people have suffered at the hands of abusive partners--you can make it out on the other side.

May God be with you.

Leilie

I'm grateful for your kind words to me. And for reminding me of my worth. I hope to build some friendships where I live (moved from another state). Have a wonderful night. God bless you.

[sleevenv 483]

Aren't there any elders in your church who might help with an intervention? Abuse is abuse. Regardless if a man is of the cloth.

[Bluesky1 191]

im so scarred for you because many of the "christian men" i had contact with when i was a believer were like this. and yeah its just emotional abuse now but there is a sect of christianity where it is perfectly acceptable to beat your wives into obediance and please dont let it get there just look up quiverfull movement and please learn from these women who got out. i was raised in an abusive home and its just words now but love wont make him not abuse you. in stead of asking i love him why does he treat me this way ask why do i love someone who treats me this way

Thank you for your concern. I am sad to hear you're no longer a believer. It's easy to look at the fallibility of man and lose hope in God. Sometimes I have felt that way too. But, He is perfect...it's us that are broken. It seems a lot of men that I have dated have been abusive, come from abuse, and/or have been fatherless. This makes for a perfect storm, as I too come from a very abusive childhood. Fortunately, my husband is not violent. His words are crushing though. He does not understand the struggle of weight, and truthfully I don't think he ever will.

[Bluesky1 191]

As the survivor of two badly abusive marriages, I feel for you. I was raised methi-bapti-presby-costal, which means we moved a lot and my parents dragged us to whatever church was on the next corner. I was raised to believe that a good Christian woman was of secondary (or no) importance to her husband who was the head of the household whom no one dared disagree with or there was literally hell to pay. I was raised to believe that if you didn't like it, you were to pray and stay.

I "prayed and stayed" for 23 years with my first husband who cheated on me prolifically and brought home someone else's germs every week-end. He called me names and told me I was too ugly to live. One day I was watching Oprah (this was back in 1993) and she had a woman guest on who had written a book on domestic abuse. That was the first time I had heard, "Instead of asking yourself..... I love him why does he treat me this way? start asking yourself.....Why would I love someone who treats me this way?"

That woman set me free, and gave me the courage to separate myself from a horrible man who constantly drove my self worth into the ground. I had "prayed and stayed" until he put me at risk for AIDS. My church upbringing was preventing me from seeing the red flags that would have saved me from dangerous men.

My second marriage was to a psychopath who hid his mental illness very well until after the ceremony. Again, I "prayed and stayed" for ten years until he hit me and threatened to kill me. I did contact a women's shelter, and they helped me to realize that there were indeed ways to get out safely even if I did not immediately see a means of support.

You don't have to perpetuate a mistake. If you want to consider this from a Christian perspective, you need to realize that obedience and submission are not the same thing. Obedience is for small children, draft animals, and slaves. Submission is a voluntary, willing, emotional investment for a mutual harmonious household which comes from a loving relationship that is properly maintained through patience, kindness and longsuffering.

Even the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 had a life of her own. She kept her family well-cared for, she made belts and fabric items to sell in the marketplace, she even bought and sold real-estate....all while having babies and tending a garden. Her husband respected her, not ridiculed her for what he perceived as imperfections.

I agree that you need to contact a women's shelter or the Domestic Violence Hotline to get a professional opinion from a legal, not religious perspective. Sorry, but your marriage is not based on love - it is based on him controlling you so that his own selfish needs are met. This is a one-sided relationship. What's in it for him?????Everything. What's in it for you???? Nothing.

Please get well and then get some help....some way - some how. Visit us often for support.

You're words about obedience and submission were spot on. I can relate to you and your marriages. I have actually called the Hotline, and gone to the shelter for a couple of years....I too had the pleasure of meeting a psychopath before my husband. That was horrible.

I have called my local shelter when things have been particularly bad and they told me that because he had not been violent than staying there was not an option.

Separation may be in the future for us. Right now, I am in so much physical pain and preparing for surgery...that's enough. I'm seeing a counselor, and coming here...and I just pray that I can make it through the upcoming months.

[Bluesky1 191]

I'm very worried for you, Blue Sky. After surgery, can you maybe pilfer some grocery/errand money aside and start saving for the "rainy day" where you can move out? You can apply for housing since you are accepted on disability and will get Medicaid and heating/fuel assistance. I'd research your options while you are recovering and get a plan in place.

And this is the petty jerk in me that probably would inflame the situation, but can you record him berating you and play it back to "embarrass" him the next time he gets on his high horse? Maybe some members of the congregation need to hear how he treats his flock.

Grrrrrrr.

I haven't applied for disabilty yet. I plan to apply this week...I've been putting it off, and I've been in pain from surgery. Prayerfully I will be approved. I think it would help me to feel I have some money coming in. Recording him would be great...except in our arguments...I get so hurt and angry, that I have said mean things too. So, no go on that!

Edited January 31, 2016 by Bluesky1

[Bluesky1 191]

@@Cape Crooner I respect what you say and wish more men were like you. More in touch with their feelings, perhaps? But I will say this...if someone blatantly tells their S.O that they are embarrassed of their appearance or do not want a "fat" spouse..that's emotional abuse. If he's coming from the point of....I want a HEALTHY wife but chose the incorrect words...that's understandable. But if he is only concerned about how she looks and what others may think of her appearance, that's a whole different ball game.

My ex, we'll refer to him as "A"- when we began dating I was fit! Not just skinny. I'm talking, decent abs, muscular legs...i played soccer and it was obvious by my physique. "A" left for the air force & I battled with a few "demons" if you will...anxiety & depression being the biggest culprit and put on a few pounds. I was still at a healthy weight, just not as cut like HE preferred. When I went to visit him, he refused to take me on base to meet his friends. Or have them over for a cookout and beach volleyball. I finally convinced him to tell me why he was so opposed to the idea. Wanna hear what his response was?

Something along the lines of.... "I have a picture in my room of you in your bathing suit from when we first started dating. I don't know how I will explain to them how you went from that.....to this."

I didn't get flowers, candy, stuffed animals, etc in my care packages from him. I got hydroxicut. Freakin diet pills.

I honestly do try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt, but what she has shared sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. And if he is coming from the same point as "A"....then he does not mean well. He is inconvenienced by her looks and the lack of "trophy wife" material that he expects. That's abuse. Plain and simple.

I don't think I made myself clear. I'm suggesting two thoughts to the OP:

1. You're clearly fragile and he didn't say the things you needed to hear. I'm suggesting that what he actually said/meant might have been different than what you heard. No one knows this but you (certainly not a bunch of strangers on this forum).

I've been married 37 years and my wife hears me say things all the time that I don't think I said and certainly didn't intend to convey.

2. Clearly, you don't like what you're hearing him say. Have you told him loud and clear that? Have you told him what you need from him to help you get through this? Women her nuances that guys can't. Guys are thick in this area and need to be set straight.

Obviously, if you're certain that he spoke those words and meant to be hurtful and you told him as much and he doesn't give a ****, you need to move on.

I'm just saying be sure first...

How is he otherwise?

Thank you for wanting to be objective. I have told him every way I can...STOP IT! In his mind he thinks he's helping me. He also said he is frustrated that I am not the weight I was just 3 years ago when I met him, and I eat (candy, Cookies, bread) while I've been preparing for this surgery.

Unlike many others I had to gain 7 lbs to have surgery. And guess what? I have been enjoying EVERY second of it. I have been on some diet, some plan, over-excercizing and battling not eating "bad food". It has been great to eat what I want. Some people may say that means I'm not ready for this surgery....I think it means I am totally ready for this surgery...because I need it. I have gone up and down all my life. My husband thinks I "cheated the system by gaining the weight...and he feels I should have been eating all healthy these last 9 months. The problem with that is I had to stay at a certain weight to be approved. No gaining..no losing...and I did everything I had to...to be approved.

I do understand his frustration. I don't look like I did. I'm also 42, been going through peri-menapaus, and have chronic pain and health issues. And now have been thrown into surgical menopause. Sorry this may TMI...but..I'm trying to paint you a picture.

My husband other than being mean and critical about my weight...is funny, hardworking, responsible, handsome, committed to his ministry, a great friend, a good Dad (to my step-daugter), and can be loving towards me. He simply doesn't want a fat wife.

He strongly apposes surgery, and told me today...that I will just gain the weight back, and stretch my stomach back out. I hope that doesn't happen.

I'm having the surgery. That is not negotiable.

So...there you have it.

[Bluesky1 191]

@@Bluesky1

If you are a saved woman, then you have the Holy Spirit living in you. Draw upon the power you have within and KNOW that you are loved by your Heavenly Father, no matter what you look like!!! Know that!

PEACE

Thank you! He is in me.

[Bluesky1 191]

Wow! Thank you all for swift responses. It's good to hear that my feelings are valid, and that this is unacceptable.

As far as making him move out...He is the bread winner, I'm disabled and filing for disability, just had a hysterctomy, about to have a sleeve surgery...and I moved in to the house he already owned (and gave up my apartment). So, leaving or having him leave isn't really an option.

It is abusive, I know it, and of course he tells me I deserve it. He is very attractive and I think he is embarrassed of me. I am embarrassed of me too. That is why I need this surgery. I need help. I know it. I have been (for the last nine months), doing something about it (classes, weigh-ins, a myriad of tests), and I'm having surgery in 4 weeks, so the badgering is just totally unnecessary. He tells me I'm conning the system because I gained 7 pounds to have this surgery. I sure did! 7 pounds waa not going to rob me of the opportunity to have this surgery. I have gained and lost all my life, and those 7 lbs would have come on organically, as my weight continued to keep going up.

I know saying I hate you...is really strong language. It's just hard to not have awful feelings toward someone who is beating you up mentally and shaming you about your body. Lord knows, I beat myself up enough. I don't need reinforcement.

Thank you again. It means a lot to know I'm not alone, and I'm so grateful for this website. It is a blessing!

I'm sorry to hear about this. I am a Christian woman and I believe in having a godly marriage. I would bring all this to the Lord in prayer and I certainly would bring scripture to his attention of how a man should treat his wife. Christ would not treat His bride in this manner!! And it needs to addressed and dealt with, however, if it continues, then get out! God does not want us abused and unhappy! I will keep you in my prayers!

You are right. Thank you for your prayers.

[Bluesky1 191]

"Tread softly upon the pain".

Worry, embarrassment, hurt, frustration, resentment, anger, and fear will all slow down your healing processes.

You need to have nothing on your heart and mind except getting physically and emotionally stronger every day after your surgeries. Anything else just "clogs up the healing flow".

I would try to find a quiet time, sit down with your husband, hold his hand, look him in the eyes and explain to him just how much his love and support mean to you right now and forever more. I would --without looking away--repeat my wedding vows. Ask him if he remembers his vow to not only you but to his church when he became its minister. I would explain that in every woman's life there is a time when she truly needs to "the one", the reason the sun rises and sets. The time she whole heartedly needs to be "cherished". Now, before your surgery is "your time". You can tell him that you know you both have "issues" and you are more than willing and are looking forward to working through with him---after surgery, but for right now, right here, you NEED him to be the husband the God instructs him to be.

I know how crucial support is from one's "heart". Try and try and try again to get that through to him.

We are here to listen and encourage. ---and pray for each other. Right now you have been added to a pray life-line. Folks you don't even know are praying for you. How can you lose? prayers are floating up to the Lord --all for you. All will be well,

God bless and KEEP IN TOUCH-----OFTEN!

Valentina

The softness and beauty of your words touched me. I really like the wisdom in them. I will let him know that I need him. I don't know if I'll remember to say it as eloquently as you wrote it...but I will talk to him. Thank you for adding me to the prayer list...I believe in the power of prayer. My life is an example of someone who was least likely to be redeemed. But, He saved me. How much more can he and will he do? A lot...He has shown that.

I will be in touch often. God bless you abundantly and richly!

[Bluesky1 191]

Aren't there any elders in your church who might help with an intervention? Abuse is abuse. Regardless if a man is of the cloth.

Yes, I have told the Pastor's wife that I feel like church discipline is warranted. She told me she would pass it on to the Pastor. We have a small church, and my husband is assistant pastor, bible study teacher, evangelist....so...we shall see.

[Bluesky1 191]

Those are some very hurtful remarks from him. He sounds kinda controlling BUT I realize there are many sides to a story. One thought that struck me is you went I to his office hoping he would reward you for losing those 10#. I lost 125# and the man I loved never said a word. If you are looking to him for that kinda "atta girl" for losing weight you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

My dad belittled us kids and one time I overhead my mother, who was normally a doormat, stand up to him. His reply was that he wanted the me to do better so I could have a better future. His idea was that if you point out people's failings, they can then improve. It all made sense to him....

I share that example because I have to believe you two were in love...pretty recently. Maybe he is embarrassed, scared, insecure - who knows - and says those things without really hearing how mean they are.

I hope you consider marriage counseling and perhaps counseling for yourself.

This weight loss thing is very emotional anyway, and at least having him not be negative would be great.

I also ask you to gently consider the impact of saying words like "I hate you" - that is strong stuff that is hard to take back.

Thank you for replying. Wow 125 lbs! That is amazing! Atta Girl!

You're thoughts are very accurate. After arguing for two days. He did say he is frustrated (because I didn't look this way 3 years ago), he's scared about having a sick wife (I have chronic conditions), and he doesn't understand why I eat....if I want to be thin. His thoughts are that he is helping me. I don't see how he could think that when I stand before him with tears streaming down my face, but it is...what it is.

I need the reminder to bite my tongue. I don't hate him, and I don't want a divorce. I hate how he is treating me.

I think my husband has "orthorexia". I think that's what it's called. He is an extremely clean eater....who weekly decides that some healthy food group is "bad" and he no longer is eating it. It's the same kind of obsession with food, and body, and weight as I have...his just leaves him looking fit...mine shows on my body.

So his fat hating seems to extend beyond me. It doesn't make it right...but maybe it will help me to be less devastated.

[sassyfrass23 525]

@@Cape Crooner I respect what you say and wish more men were like you. More in touch with their feelings, perhaps? But I will say this...if someone blatantly tells their S.O that they are embarrassed of their appearance or do not want a "fat" spouse..that's emotional abuse. If he's coming from the point of....I want a HEALTHY wife but chose the incorrect words...that's understandable. But if he is only concerned about how she looks and what others may think of her appearance, that's a whole different ball game.

My ex, we'll refer to him as "A"- when we began dating I was fit! Not just skinny. I'm talking, decent abs, muscular legs...i played soccer and it was obvious by my physique. "A" left for the air force & I battled with a few "demons" if you will...anxiety & depression being the biggest culprit and put on a few pounds. I was still at a healthy weight, just not as cut like HE preferred. When I went to visit him, he refused to take me on base to meet his friends. Or have them over for a cookout and beach volleyball. I finally convinced him to tell me why he was so opposed to the idea. Wanna hear what his response was?

Something along the lines of.... "I have a picture in my room of you in your bathing suit from when we first started dating. I don't know how I will explain to them how you went from that.....to this."

I didn't get flowers, candy, stuffed animals, etc in my care packages from him. I got hydroxicut. Freakin diet pills.

I honestly do try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt, but what she has shared sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. And if he is coming from the same point as "A"....then he does not mean well. He is inconvenienced by her looks and the lack of "trophy wife" material that he expects. That's abuse. Plain and simple.

I don't think I made myself clear. I'm suggesting two thoughts to the OP:

1. You're clearly fragile and he didn't say the things you needed to hear. I'm suggesting that what he actually said/meant might have been different than what you heard. No one knows this but you (certainly not a bunch of strangers on this forum).

I've been married 37 years and my wife hears me say things all the time that I don't think I said and certainly didn't intend to convey.

2. Clearly, you don't like what you're hearing him say. Have you told him loud and clear that? Have you told him what you need from him to help you get through this? Women her nuances that guys can't. Guys are thick in this area and need to be set straight.

Obviously, if you're certain that he spoke those words and meant to be hurtful and you told him as much and he doesn't give a ****, you need to move on.

I'm just saying be sure first...

How is he otherwise?

Thank you for wanting to be objective. I have told him every way I can...STOP IT! In his mind he thinks he's helping me. He also said he is frustrated that I am not the weight I was just 3 years ago when I met him, and I eat (candy, Cookies, bread) while I've been preparing for this surgery.

Unlike many others I had to gain 7 lbs to have surgery. And guess what? I have been enjoying EVERY second of it. I have been on some diet, some plan, over-excercizing and battling not eating "bad food". It has been great to eat what I want. Some people may say that means I'm not ready for this surgery....I think it means I am totally ready for this surgery...because I need it. I have gone up and down all my life. My husband thinks I "cheated the system by gaining the weight...and he feels I should have been eating all healthy these last 9 months. The problem with that is I had to stay at a certain weight to be approved. No gaining..no losing...and I did everything I had to...to be approved.

I do understand his frustration. I don't look like I did. I'm also 42, been going through peri-menapaus, and have chronic pain and health issues. And now have been thrown into surgical menopause. Sorry this may TMI...but..I'm trying to paint you a picture.

My husband other than being mean and critical about my weight...is funny, hardworking, responsible, handsome, committed to his ministry, a great friend, a good Dad (to my step-daugter), and can be loving towards me. He simply doesn't want a fat wife.

He strongly apposes surgery, and told me today...that I will just gain the weight back, and stretch my stomach back out. I hope that doesn't happen.

I'm having the surgery. That is not negotiable.

So...there you have it.

Sure- anyone can gain the weight back. We all know this going into surgery. But- your mind is made up and I believe you will be successful. No matter who's doubting you. You've got me in your corner, rooting you on!! So...you can show him better than you can tell him. And no one knows who is truly ready for this surgery. Only you know. And that's all that matters. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God will soften your husband's heart while helping you remain steadfast in your journey. As a wife. And as a WLS patient. You've got this