Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[Bluesky1 191]

If things don't change before you have surgery, they will only get worse. I don't know why but life changing events, whether it be WLS or not, tend to bring out the worse in some people. I would encourage you at a minimum to get some counseling to figure out why this behavior is acceptable to you but you both really need to be in counseling.

Have you ever heard that saying "we teach people how to treat us"? It is soooo very true. It's similar to parenting a child. If you let them get away with something over and over, they come to expect that is the way it will always be. However, if you set rules and boundaries and are consistent, they know what to expect. If you continue to allow him to treat you this way, this is how you will be treated.

I am going to assume that you are having surgery so you can be healthy, have a better quality of life and live longer, right? Everyone deals with bad things happening to them, that's just life. However, there are things in our life that we have control over. Whether you are overweight or not, how can you have quality of life being in emotional turmoil all the time? Your marriage is very new, is this a preview to what forever will be like?

This process has been so emotional for me, I cannot even imagine having to deal with something like this as well.

I wish you luck. I hope you can find some peace and things work out for you.

[Bluesky1 191]

Thank you for your words. You are absolutley right that having emotional turmoil on top of the surgery isn't good. I am in counseling (secular) and I've told him we both need to be. Of course he ignores my requests, or tells me he's busy and he'll get back to me about it. I think (as soon as I'm well enough) I will

begin going to a Christian counselor (with or without him). My faith is important to me, and I do love him...it's his meaness around my weight and my looks that I hate.

I am totally doing this surgery to be healthy and happier (whether I was married or not). This has been a 25 year battle that I have continued to lose.

Since I am in a lot of physiclal pain from surgery, and will soon be in more pain...I will have to live with this for at least a while. I realize I have to get support from elsewhere for this surgery. I'm so afraid that once I have it he will find ways to make things harder for me. So sad...or course he wasn't this horrible when we were dating and engaged...but there were signs. I should have dealt with them then. But, he assured me God had healed some things.

Prayerfuly I will find some peace in this. Thanks again for your response.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Bluesky1

[Bluesky1 191]

@@Bluesky1, this is appalling. Believe me when I tell you you DO have choices, you do NOT have to suffer abuse. Just because he uses words instead of his fists doesn't make his behavior any less appalling or abusive.

No preacher who knows his Bible could treat a wife like this. Contact your local abuse hotline. Now. Please.

[Bluesky1 191]

Thank you for reminding me of the abuse hoteline. I have called them in the past, and will likely call them again. Separation may be in the picture for me, but not presently. I need to heal

from this hysterctomy and have the sleeve surgery. Once my health is in a better place, I will be more capable of making that change if this is still continuing.

[Cape Crooner 589]

Certainly, the words you recall him saying are shameful and inexcusable.

I don't know you or him, but I would ask you to consider something.

Did he really say those exact hurtful words, or was he just trying to encourage you in his own warped way?

Guys think tough love is a very loving way to motivate. I've been married 36 years and I know women beg to differ.

I also know that after 45 years of struggling with my weight, I became very sensitive to anything anyone ever said about my weight (especially my wife who seemed like she could eat anything).

As a Christian myself, let me suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his heart is the right place, but his mouth isn't cooperating.

I would try and win him over as your biggest supporter. You just have to open up and explain to how long and hard the struggle has been (cry, guys always melt when the girl cries).

Most of all, make sure he knows exactly how much the tone of his words cut deep into your soul. Sometimes you have to hit a guy with a 2X4 - have you done that yet?

That said, I'm 4 months out of VSG and I can assure you he'll be eating his words a year from now when your Weightloss struggle is a distant memory!

Stay the damn course...

[Brown Suga 17]

I too am a Christian woman and have been married 21 years. There have been ups and downs. I have put up with a lot of things my girlfriends where quick to tell me they would "never put up with" and I have done things his friends have told him were too bad to get over. During our early years we argued and fussed a lot!!! Not so much now but we still don't agree on everything. We have 6 kids and he is my best friend. As I write this I am disappointed in him but I still love him. You have to love yourself and decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with. Don't threaten to leave if he knows you wont. You are working on your physical needs and that's great if you're doing it for YOU! You need a plan for attaining independence so you don't feel trapped. It gives him too much power over you and he knows he has it which makes .Praying for you.

[Brown Suga 17]

*It worse. Praying for his heart to be softened and for God to watch over and protect you.

[sassyfrass23 525]

@@Cape Crooner I respect what you say and wish more men were like you. More in touch with their feelings, perhaps? But I will say this...if someone blatantly tells their S.O that they are embarrassed of their appearance or do not want a "fat" spouse..that's emotional abuse. If he's coming from the point of....I want a HEALTHY wife but chose the incorrect words...that's understandable. But if he is only concerned about how she looks and what others may think of her appearance, that's a whole different ball game.

My ex, we'll refer to him as "A"- when we began dating I was fit! Not just skinny. I'm talking, decent abs, muscular legs...i played soccer and it was obvious by my physique. "A" left for the air force & I battled with a few "demons" if you will...anxiety & depression being the biggest culprit and put on a few pounds. I was still at a healthy weight, just not as cut like HE preferred. When I went to visit him, he refused to take me on base to meet his friends. Or have them over for a cookout and beach volleyball. I finally convinced him to tell me why he was so opposed to the idea. Wanna hear what his response was?

Something along the lines of.... "I have a picture in my room of you in your bathing suit from when we first started dating. I don't know how I will explain to them how you went from that.....to this."

I didn't get flowers, candy, stuffed animals, etc in my care packages from him. I got hydroxicut. Freakin diet pills.

I honestly do try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt, but what she has shared sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. And if he is coming from the same point as "A"....then he does not mean well. He is inconvenienced by her looks and the lack of "trophy wife" material that he expects. That's abuse. Plain and simple.

Edited January 28, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[yerawizardamy 241]

Agreed with the above statement. There is nothing in the OP's statements that suggest he is using "tough love" or saying something right in the wrong way. He is emotionally and mentally abusive, plan and simple.

Telling your spouse what they can and can't eat is controlling behavior that is very typical in abusive relationships. The OP states that she is completely dependent on him, which may be circumstantial, but it is another very common aspect of abuse. Make them dependent on you, and they can't leave. Verbally beat them down to make them think they aren't worthy of their love, or anyone else's, and they stay because they believe they are lucky enough to have anyone. While her husbands actions and statements might not seem like huge red flags flashing "Abusive person alert!" these things tend to escalate. It never goes from 0 to 100 over night, it's a relatively slow and gradual shift.

To the OP - I am very very sorry that your husband is treating you this way. I am very happy to hear you are going to get counseling, I think that is a positive step in the right direction. Please know that there are a lot of support groups out there that can help you for both your spousal issues and your health/WLS needs. I find it very interesting that while he is "disgusted" by your weight, he does not support you in your decision to get WLS which would help you to lose the weight. Also, it seems like maybe a good portion of your weight gain was health related? You mentioned applying for disability benefits, I just wonder if the weight gain was because of overeating/food addiction or because of your health problems. Either way, I truly hope that it helps you find what you need and gets you to a better place.

[lunarose 97]

I am so sorry you are going through this he is totally unreasonable. Once you recover from surgery you may need to reevaluate things maybe look into counseling. As a preacher he should be taking his vows "in sickness and health" more seriously.

[BarrySue 602]

If he is this unsupportive and unhelpful after your hysterectomy, how will he cope with recovery from the sleeve? You need to reach out a friend or family member to make arrangements for a safe place to heal if and when things go south. If you are staying with him solely because you've got no place to go, you need to look into other options. Additionally, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Just because you're living in his house doesn't mean he's off the hook for spousal support or can simply put you on the street. You have legal rights and entitlements. Don't allow yourself to be abused simply because you think you have no options.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Thank you for your words. You are absolutley right that having emotional turmoil on top of the surgery isn't good. I am in counseling (secular) and I've told him we both need to be. Of course he ignores my requests, or tells me he's busy and he'll get back to me about it. I think (as soon as I'm well enough) I will

begin going to a Christian counselor (with or without him). My faith is important to me, and I do love him...it's his meaness around my weight and my looks that I hate.

I am totally doing this surgery to be healthy and happier (whether I was married or not). This has been a 25 year battle that I have continued to lose.

Since I am in a lot of physiclal pain from surgery, and will soon be in more pain...I will have to live with this for at least a while. I realize I have to get support from elsewhere for this surgery. I'm so afraid that once I have it he will find ways to make things harder for me. So sad...or course he wasn't this horrible when we were dating and engaged...but there were signs. I should have dealt with them then. But, he assured me God had healed some things.

Prayerfuly I will find some peace in this. Thanks again for your response.

I am so glad that you are at least getting some counseling.

Obviously, it is not a priority for him or he would find the time.

He sounds like a very miserable man.

I wish you all the best. Sending hugs and prayers.

[cbrr 70]

I'm so sorry you're going throught this at a time when you're so vulnerable and healing from your surgery. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, my heart goes out to you. I would caution you to avoid engaging him in verbal attacks. If he starts in on you, make some non-verbal sound like"hummm" and walk away. He wants you to respond, get upset and engage in some kind of argument with him. DON'T. Just leave him with his hurtful words and walk away. You really don't have to respond. Then, go and find something to make your day bright...find someone or something to serve. You can make things for the homeless shelter, call homebound parishoners (since your husband is the preacher) ...just find something to fill your life and mind with what the Savior would do. Serve in whatever way you can. You are needed!

After you're healed from your surgeries set some boundaries on how long you will stay in this relationship if it doesn't change. Realize you are not responsible for his actions and words. You cannot change him, only yourself. Focus on your gratitude for this surgery and the many ways it will effect your life in a positive manner. Make lists of the things you hope to able to do as the weight comes off. Explore options in the event you have to leave him and set up a support system to accomplish that if needed. Know above all that you have worth and God wants you to have joy in your life.

[LEILE 66]

I don't even have to know you personally to tell you this: God does not make mistakes. You are a worthy and deserving human being--just by being born. We have all suffered with our weight with different details--but I am certain that probably most of us have never gotten better with our weight by a significant other berating us, being cruel to us, or emotionally abusing us. I hope you develop some friendships and find some people you can trust (maybe a support group) who can support you through this process. If he cannot see your basic goodness, he isn't good enough to lick the shit off your shoe--let alone be married to you. You are not alone. Millions of people have suffered at the hands of abusive partners--you can make it out on the other side.

May God be with you.

Leilie

[newmebithebypass 713]

im so scarred for you because many of the "christian men" i had contact with when i was a believer were like this. and yeah its just emotional abuse now but there is a sect of christianity where it is perfectly acceptable to beat your wives into obediance and please dont let it get there just look up quiverfull movement and please learn from these women who got out. i was raised in an abusive home and its just words now but love wont make him not abuse you. in stead of asking i love him why does he treat me this way ask why do i love someone who treats me this way