Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[Bluesky1 191]

So angry and sad. I'm recovering from a total hysterctomy and preparing to have sleeve surgery in 4 weeks, on Feb. 23rd.

My husband (new I might add, just married over a year) has been brutal towards me because of my weight gain overthe last year and half. I gained 70 lbs (again, after losing 50). This was the last time I was going to go through this. I had to gain 10 lbs to have the surgery, and I did. It was great! For the first time, I ate what I Wanted...with no guilt. I have continued to eat some healthy things and some not healthy things. And he has insulted, put me down, told me he doesn't want a fat wife...and on and on.

Today I woke up sick, with a headache, but feeling good about my body. I have lost 10 lbs after this last surgery. I thought, hey! I'm looking better. I then walked in his office to him looking disgusted, telling me I had a headache because I ate some starbursts...and essentially telling me he wasn't going to buy me any junk food. I need to be on "His plan". And he is angry at me for gainig weight, and not being an obedient wife. I was hurt, sad, enraged, and just sick of it.

I have battled my body for over 25 years, and I know this descion to have the sleeve is right, no matter what he says. It just hurts to know that the man I married, has let me know...he doesn't love me for me. He obviously married me for what I looked like. I told him tonight that I hate him, and wished I never married him. He is a preacher, and so good to other people. But, horrible to me. It sickenss me.

With bad health, and am not supporting myself. I can't leave. I feel trapped with no support or family near me.

Just wanted to vent. Also, I'm a Christian and a praying person. Please pray for healing from this surgery, and healing and help through the sleeve Surgery. Thanks

[Fat2Phat2016 541]

This is horrible. I will be praying for you!!!!!

And remember that we on here love you no matter what!!!!!!! ❤️❤️

[Bluesky1 191]

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that tonight. ❤️

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Christian or not, this is just not acceptable:

"I need to be on "His plan". And he is angry at me for gainig weight, and not being an obedient wife."

You are a grown, adult, human being. No one "controls" you.

If he can't lovingly support you, and accept that marriage is a partnership then he sounds like a lousy "husband". Coercion is not an expression of love.

No, he doesn't have to buy you junk food. But, he also doesn't get to criticize and belittle you without serious repercussions to your marriage. That is abuse as far as I am concerned.

There is a reason I'm not married...

This crap certainly wouldn't fly with me.

You deserve so much better.

[GibbsGirl 483]

I am so sorry, it's his problem not yours. Stay strong and do for you. love and prayers.

[AvaFern 3,516]

Well that was crappy of him. If someone pulled that with me we would have a conversation about the behavior being unacceptable. If it happened again, we would have a conversation about when he would be moving out. I can understand a husband who tries to be supportive by very un-wisely telling you that you shoudn't be eating junk food because you're trying to lose weight. That is just being insensitive. I cannot understand anyone finding it acceptable to be hurtful and cruel and I would have zero tolerance for that. You let him know that his actions don't work for you and unless he can be supportive and the damn man he is supposed to be instead of a whiny little B boy, he can pack his stuff and leave. If he argues about it, start packing his stuff for him. Controlling men are only as controlling as you let them be and when they find a woman who won't tolerate their crap, suddenly they can behave like they should have behaved all along.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Those are some very hurtful remarks from him. He sounds kinda controlling BUT I realize there are many sides to a story. One thought that struck me is you went I to his office hoping he would reward you for losing those 10#. I lost 125# and the man I loved never said a word. If you are looking to him for that kinda "atta girl" for losing weight you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

My dad belittled us kids and one time I overhead my mother, who was normally a doormat, stand up to him. His reply was that he wanted the me to do better so I could have a better future. His idea was that if you point out people's failings, they can then improve. It all made sense to him....

I share that example because I have to believe you two were in love...pretty recently. Maybe he is embarrassed, scared, insecure - who knows - and says those things without really hearing how mean they are.

I hope you consider marriage counseling and perhaps counseling for yourself.

This weight loss thing is very emotional anyway, and at least having him not be negative would be great.

I also ask you to gently consider the impact of saying words like "I hate you" - that is strong stuff that is hard to take back.

[sassyfrass23 525]

Ohhh @@Bluesky1 ! His behavior is far from what I would expect my preacher to exemplify. Or my husband. Or best friend. Granted- we're all human and we make mistakes. We hurt each others feelings at some point, but this is overboard. I went through a similar situation with my ex boyfriend for 2 & 1/2 years. That was nearly 10 hears ago and I am still cleaning up the mess I became after enduring the most brutal and demeaning behavior I have ever encountered. I am now happily married and have a husband who has loved me at my smallest and now my largest. And I have promised myself that I will never ALLOW another individual to treat me the way I let Jackass do for so long. We may not be able to control other people, but we can control the boundaries we set and whether we choose to accept what is or do something about it.

I hate to hear that you are stuck with this jackwagon. If there were ANY ways for you to get out, I would strongly encourage you to do so. I am a FIRM believer in the saying "If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Once you lose weight and begin to fit the mold that he expects from you, I can almost guarantee that he will find something new to chastise you about. This isn't about you or your appearance. This is about a man who deliberately goes out of his way to belittle a woman in order to make himself feel superior.

My heart truly hurts for you...

OH! And....tell him that according to The Book he preaches from, his obedience as a Christian is a joke. Pretty sure it touches base on not judging...treating each others with kindness...loving one another?

Edited January 28, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

Absolutely unacceptable. Who the heck does he think he is, anyway?? (can you tell that really steams me??) If it were me in that scenario instead of you, I'd be packing him up and moving him out. Maybe then he would realize that sort of control will get him nowhere fast! MAN!

[Bluesky1 191]

Wow! Thank you all for swift responses. It's good to hear that my feelings are valid, and that this is unacceptable.

As far as making him move out...He is the bread winner, I'm disabled and filing for disability, just had a hysterctomy, about to have a sleeve surgery...and I moved in to the house he already owned (and gave up my apartment). So, leaving or having him leave isn't really an option.

It is abusive, I know it, and of course he tells me I deserve it. He is very attractive and I think he is embarrassed of me. I am embarrassed of me too. That is why I need this surgery. I need help. I know it. I have been (for the last nine months), doing something about it (classes, weigh-ins, a myriad of tests), and I'm having surgery in 4 weeks, so the badgering is just totally unnecessary. He tells me I'm conning the system because I gained 7 pounds to have this surgery. I sure did! 7 pounds waa not going to rob me of the opportunity to have this surgery. I have gained and lost all my life, and those 7 lbs would have come on organically, as my weight continued to keep going up.

I know saying I hate you...is really strong language. It's just hard to not have awful feelings toward someone who is beating you up mentally and shaming you about your body. Lord knows, I beat myself up enough. I don't need reinforcement.

Thank you again. It means a lot to know I'm not alone, and I'm so grateful for this website. It is a blessing!

Edited January 28, 2016 by Bluesky1

[sassyfrass23 525]

All I ask is that you let every negative thing he says go thru one ear & out the other. Please don't let him get to you. Small minded people aren't worth beating ourselves up over. You're better than that and deserve only love & encouragement.

Edited January 28, 2016 by sassyfrass23

[2goldengirl 2,076]

@@Bluesky1, this is appalling. Believe me when I tell you you DO have choices, you do NOT have to suffer abuse. Just because he uses words instead of his fists doesn't make his behavior any less appalling or abusive.

No preacher who knows his Bible could treat a wife like this. Contact your local abuse hotline. Now. Please.

[Dub 9,922]

@@Bluesky1 Any words I could offer here would be insufficient.

Prayers are sent.

I am so sorry.

[animallover1247 249]

If things don't change before you have surgery, they will only get worse. I don't know why but life changing events, whether it be WLS or not, tend to bring out the worse in some people. I would encourage you at a minimum to get some counseling to figure out why this behavior is acceptable to you but you both really need to be in counseling.

Have you ever heard that saying "we teach people how to treat us"? It is soooo very true. It's similar to parenting a child. If you let them get away with something over and over, they come to expect that is the way it will always be. However, if you set rules and boundaries and are consistent, they know what to expect. If you continue to allow him to treat you this way, this is how you will be treated.

I am going to assume that you are having surgery so you can be healthy, have a better quality of life and live longer, right? Everyone deals with bad things happening to them, that's just life. However, there are things in our life that we have control over. Whether you are overweight or not, how can you have quality of life being in emotional turmoil all the time? Your marriage is very new, is this a preview to what forever will be like?

This process has been so emotional for me, I cannot even imagine having to deal with something like this as well.

I wish you luck. I hope you can find some peace and things work out for you.

[Bluesky1 191]

All I ask is that you let every negative thing he says go thru one ear & out the other. Please don't let him get to you. Small minded people aren't worth beating ourselves up over. You're better than that and deserve only love & encouragement.

Thank you for reminding me of this. It's easy to forget.

@@Bluesky1 Any words I could offer here would be insufficient.

Prayers are sent.

I am so sorry.

These words are absolutely perfect. I appreciate your prayers.