Family Hurts

[meganmom 169]

I had my surgery in December. I have only told a couple of people about my surgery who have all been the most amazing supporters. After my surgery I decided to tell my sister due to being around the holidays with her. Plus she would ask why I wouldn't be eating. (My mother did kind of pressure me into telling her-but at the end of the day it was my choice to tell her) We used to be incredibly close and for the last 6 months we have not. When I told her I made her promise to me she would never say anything to anyone and she promised. She said she was happy for me.

When I started my weight loss journey I weighed (this is so hard to say) 308 (September 2015) my highest weight I have ever been. Well this past weekend I an down to (drum roll please) 258. 50 lbs gone!! I was so excited and so happy. I have worked so hard. I have had many struggles since the surgery but have not complained once and would do it all over again. Okay with all of that being said fast forward to last night:

The convo with my sister goes through text:

Sister: Have you told anyone yet or are you going to?

Me: No I am not right now I have told 4 friends but that is all

Sister: I just need you to know that if someone asked me, I 'm not going to lie. But of course I will not tell people voluntarily. Is that fair.

Me: No I don't think that is fair. When i told you about this you looked into my eyes and promised me you would not say anything.

Sister: You can't just lie to people! You had a procedure. You did not achieve weight loss via natural means of working out and choosing to eat a healthy diet on your own. I thought you own up and do the right thing by telling people the truth. I'm not going to lie for you. Its not like anyone is going to ask me anyways.

Me and my sister live in the same town and have a lot of mutual friends.

I just cried and cried after that. It broke my heart. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with situations like this?

[Mzdiggs 169]

Figure out where you are and where you want to be with your decision. Your sister's response is not about you but about her and how she feels. She does not know enough about the process and she is responding from a "self righteous" place. She want to tell people so that she has the upper hand in discrediting you. The fact that you may end up smaller than could be a threat.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Jesus, what an asshole she is!

Did you not know that about her before?

[HopeandAgony 566]

You poor thing. What is done is done now. Start looking for ways of how you can respond if need be to anyone she tells "if they ask". Look at it this way also, if they go ask your sister instead of asking you they were never your friend in the first place. Simply write them off and move on. Big hugs.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Ugh I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I can't stand when people say things like that.

As if having this surgery was an easy thing

[2goldengirl 2,076]

If she doesn't feel she can lie, she doesn't feel she can lie. She may have ulterior motives for that position, but she evidently feels that keeping a secret is the same as lying.

I'd talk to her in person (this just isn't a text-friendly thing). I'd tell her how badly her threatening not to keep her promise hurt you. And I'd really explore with her why seems to feel that you don't deserve proper credit for your hard work and success. Show her your food and exercise logs. Tell her how hard you've worked for those 50 lbs. Tell her whether she agrees with your decision or not, you deserve her respect for the effort you're putting in.

If people DO ask her how you're losing the weight, she can always say "why don't you ask her?". That isn't a lie, that's acknowledging that it isn't her story to tell - and it isn't.

[MzB 297]

I have sisters so I can sort of relate....

I would suggest that you remind her that you both have told each other fairly private things over the years (at least I am assuming you have) and regardless about how she feels about the actual decision, being a trusted confidant is more important than her desire to be "honest" with people. (for example) How would she feel if she had told you in confidence that she had a hysterectomy and someone ask you about how she was doing and you just blurted out "oh, she had a hysterectomy done but she is doing great now." If her comeback is that she doesn't want to lie tell her to just agree that you are looking fabulous and that they should ask you directly about how you are doing it! Then the answer is back to you and she doesn't have to do anything.

BTW, I haven't made a secret of how I lost the weight. I answer this the same way I would answer anyone who has ask for any other diet I have been on. They would ask me how I was losing weight and I would say "Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, HCG, SlimFast...etc" You name it I have tried it. (haven't we all...) Now I just say "I had weight lost surgery". If they don't like it or have a different thought they usually keep it to themselves. I honestly don't care if they don't like it, they don't have to live with the decision, only I do! If they just comment on how great I look and how much weight I have lost, I just say "Thanks, its been my project for this year!" and that is usually the end of the discussion.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I agree with a lot of what has been posted.

Talk to your sister.

There is a difference between privacy and lying. She can respect your privacy and not lie. Not engaging in gossip is a good place to start.

[shortyvel 42]

First she must know that you do have to workout and eat healthy, the surgery is only a tool so that you don't eat as much. You could tell her she doesn't have to lie. She can say that medical history is private and they can ask you if they want information. Which is true, our medical history is no one's business. Get ready, People are going to be rude, jealous and out right ignorant. I have not told anyone in of my family, only my mother (who had a stoke and can't talk) and my boyfriend, because he had to take me to my surgery. I asked him not to say anything and he works in the medical field and is very aware how private medical history is. I have an adult daughter and I have not told her. I plan to, but not till I reached my goal. I have enough on my plate and don't feel like dealing with people who have issues of their own.

[JamieLogical 8,713]

Jesus, what an a*****e she is!

Did you not know that about her before?

I was shocked to learn my sister is an a*****e over the summer, after having known her and spent 34 years of my life with her as my best friend. Who knew?

OP, I think the solution here might be having a heart-to-heart with your sister about all the struggles you've had post-op and how much work it really has been. You have to do just as much work to lose weight as someone who hasn't had surgery. Gastric sleeve isn't a malabsobative procedure, so calorie in or out to you is exactly the same as a calorie in or out to anyone else. You have to control what goes into your mouth and how much activity you do. So you have worked for every single pound you have lost.

[MrsKarenC2008 622]

whoa. Can we say ... bee atch?

@@meganmom

Anyway .... If she has any class or respect for you at all .... IF someone does ask her what you're doing to lose weight ... all she has to say is it's better if they ask you themselves.

Geesh ... how hurtful and spiteful can she be?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this type of issue .. it's hard enough to actually make the decision to have surgery ... then follow through ... then go through what we're going through to lose weight ... we all know it's not just a physical game ... it's heavy on our hearts & our minds ...

You are a much bigger person that she is ... you know your truth

[Pillar2butterfly 391]

Ok, A better woman would not say this, but a better woman isn't typing this...I am

So here it goes. I'm going out on a limb alone here. You owe your sister absolutely NOTHING. You do not owe her an explanation of how hard you have worked and will ALWAYS need to work, nor do you owe her an explanation that WLS was in no way an easy way out. You owe her nothing at all...you do not have to, nor should you feel like you are obligated to defend yourself to her or anyone else. You do not even owe her the explanation and facts about surgery.

Now what does she owe you? The same, nothing. When we disclose personal things to people, we are always taking a chance that the other person will be a big blabber mouth and even worse an asshole.

If you value your relationship with her, I suggest you tell her when others ask how you did it, to simply say. "You will have to ask her." Nothing more nothing less. If she doesn't abide by your request and suggestion, then, I would tell her, I will never confide in you again. Now, I also understand that we all typically care about our siblings and family and we want them on our side...so I can certainly see the point of all the others posts with very valuable suggestions. It just really pisses me off when people who think they know anything open their mouths....I don't even know where to begin with her asininity.

[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

I am sorry you hare having to endure this. I cannot imagine the hurt and the betrayal that you feel. There is some great advice in this thread. All I want to add is that the sleeve gives us QUANTITY control. That's it. The rest is all you. The QUALITY of food you consume is all you. The exercise. The change in your life style. IT IS ALL YOU.

You can use that to defend yourself and your decision, if that's what you want to do. But I agree with @Pillar2butterfly; you do not owe her anything. If anything, you can use that tidbit to further validate what you have accomplished on your own; not what the sleeve accomplished, but what you accomplished.

[Mzdiggs 169]

I shared this conversation with my oldest daughter and loved here response:

"I also believe that people who didn't need to have what I consider medically needed assistance to help them lose weight are arrogant. Weight loss is hard, life style changes are hard. Everyone has to get through their journey their own way. That's what makes it special"

Edited January 27, 2016 by MSDiggs

[MrsKarenC2008 622]

All I want to add is that the sleeve gives us QUANTITY control. That's it. The rest is all you. The QUALITY of food you consume is all you. The exercise. The change in your life style. IT IS ALL YOU.

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!

MY NEW MANTRA!!!

:D