How Do You Like to Be Complimented?

[B-52 7,113]

Most people don't remember, or even knew me when I was a Fat Glutton.....

But now, the best compliments I get are "You're how old?...You certainly don't look and act like you're 64".....

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I had an elderly great aunt who was pure love. She saw me once every year or so. 25 years ago I lost 130 pounds (gained it all back later) and she saw me at Christmas. She privately told me with an ear to ear grin, "You look just beautiful. You have always been beautiful." That's it. No mention of the weight or any questions. It made me feel so good that I can remember it like it was yesterday.

On the flip side, I've been accidentally guilty of asking an acquaintance (daughter's Girl Scout leader) who lost a great deal of weight, "what's your secret?" I was about 250 at the time. She snapped, "No secret. Diet and exercise!" I was flabbergasted. I wanted to apologize but I felt I had been insulted at the same time. It still bothers me, but it made me realize that the question can be taken differently by different people. When someone asks me that today, I usually tell them low carb, high p rotein, Portion Control. I have only told a few people about my WLS. Maybe after I've been at goal weight a few years that may change, but I'm leery of advertising it now.

[sleevedinseptember 69]

This is such a great question and I don't know if I have a good answer for it. I thought I would be happy to receive compliments and have people notice my weightless but so far whenever anyone has mentioned it, whether friends or family

I have been deeply uncomfortable.

And not because of how they have said it or anything like that - I think I'm struggling with some mental and emotional stuff around this weight loss thing (and the loss of protection that my fat provided me) which is surprising me.

Ideally, I think I would like people to not say anything but if they feel so moved then a simple it's good to see you and you look great would do.

[careya123 260]

I take everything as a compliment, if it can possibly be construed as one. I do it for two reasons: 1) I don't like the drama of wondering what the person is really thinking, and 2) my social skills are sub-par, so I'm forgiving of others. I think I have offended many when I was trying to be friendly or supportive.

[erp 2,016]

Wasn't a fan of a friend who has a lap band declaring, "you've lost a TON of weight! How did you do it?"

I was more pleased with a friend who is naturally slender asking me what Vitamins I take because I look so healthy.

It was refreshing to receive a compliment that wasn't actually about the weight specifically.

[miiasan 370]

I, too, was motivated by personal experience. A couple of years ago I watched my father die slowly and painfully with congestive heart failure. I was virtually on the same path - with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, a stent, and diabetes. When I do tell someone about the surgery, I tell them about my father and my concerns about my own health problems. People seem to take it really well and I do not get any disparaging comments.

I get a lot of comments about my weight loss. My body and particularly my face has changed so much. I think I would wonder if people didn't say anything. Some of the comments I hear are: 'wow, you are looking great' 'wow, I had to do a double take; I hardly recognized you' 'look at you, so skinny' and from my husband 'I am so proud of you' I am 3 1/2 months out from surgery and people have finally quit asking how I am feeling, so that is good.

When someone asks about how I lost the weight, I say diet and exercise because that is true. I tell them that I have cut out soda, potatoes, rice, Pasta, bread and sweets. I tell them that I concentrate on getting enough Protein, then eat veggies and fruit and that when I eat starch it is a good starch. I tell them that I exercise between 1 1/2 hours and 2 hours a day.

And I like the comments because I HAVE worked hard to get to where I am.

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

@@Babbs

I also will take a compliment any way it comes. I have gotten "OMG, you are shrinking!" and also, a simple "wow, you look great!"

However, my very favorite was "Mom, you look great, we are so proud of you!"

[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

I think that compliments are all about perspective. People's perceptions are their realities; and ​their realities and perceptions can be greatly influenced by ones confidence, lack of confidence or feelings. If someone is extremely self conscience, embarrassed or ashamed of their starting or highest weight, then yes, they will be offended by someone asking, "How much did you lose?" That is already a very sore topic that they perhaps have not come to terms or forgiven themselves about, so they are offended by it or they just don't feel comfortable sharing. And, personally, I think that is okay; there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also believe that people's insecurities lead them to believe that they are being judged, because they negatively judge themselves and assume others are doing the same. What I think is not okay, is when you take those inner feelings of turmoil and self consciousness out on the "asker" or "complimenter," especially if they meant well. You can respond in various ways:

• I've lost enough to feel great.
• I am not comfortable sharing, but I appreciate that you noticed my weight loss.
• A good amount. Thank you.

And then you can redirect the conversation.

My BMI was at the lower end of the qualifying spectrum--39. At my lowest weight post surgery, I weighed 140; which totaled to 110 pounds lost. Currently, I weigh anywhere between 150-155. However, the weight gain has been muscle mass and I have remained the same size. People have and continue to ask me all sorts of questions. I have been--and always will be--honest about my surgery and my numbers. I think my honesty and lack of feeling offended by questions comes from the fact that I am EXTREMELY proud of my journey--and that is not saying that people whom are conscientious are not extremely proud. People's opinions or judgments--if they have any--don't matter to me anymore because I do not need their validation. I feel very validated on my own because I know how hard I have worked. One thing I always tell people, and have shared on here countless times, is that the sleeve gave me QUANTITY control, but I taught myself about QUALITY control. They sleeve DOES NOT choose the food I put in it and it does not control my activity level. I do all of that. And at the end of the day, the numbers are arbitrary. The way I FEEL is what is important. Also, I hope that my story might inspire someone else's life. Even if they hear it 2nd or 3rd hand, because it was someone's story that inspired me and motivated me to take this path.

[CHM 1,009]

In my experience, any compliments that focus directly on my weight loss or visible changes to my body make me uncomfortable, such as:

• How much weight have you lost now?
• Look at those bones starting to pop out!
• You just shrink more and more every time I see you.

Certainly any accompanied by a physical touch are just weird. With my pre-op weight loss, the most obvious changes were the emergence of my cheekbones, collar bone and the shrinking of my belly.Between an aunt and a cousin, each was touched while complimenting. I mean we're a close, huggy family and all, but I just need more personal space than that.

Compliments that I am happy to receive focus more on my efforts and their own positive feelings towards me, such as:

• You're doing such a great job.
• Its obvious how much effort you're putting into this.
• I'm so proud of you!

[deeplue 40]

I'm still very new to this and still about 4 months away from surgery, but I am truly anxious about compliments that will hopefully be forthcoming. Foolishly, I thought / think that I had made myself invisible by reaching a high weight of 358. Of course I wasn't invisible; I was probably the most obvious person in the room. I have lost 13 of the 50 pounds required before surgery, and already a few people have commented. Perhaps my least favorite is when someone close to me (read mother or father) says, "My amazing disappearing daughter - I'm so proud of you."

Why can't I hear that s/he is proud because of my job? Or my degrees? Or my healthy relationship?

And this is just the tip of the compliment iceberg! I haven't told anyone at my job about either the weight loss effort or the possibility of upcoming surgery, but I have a rather "public" job, albeit in a small community. People are bound to notice if this weight loss stuff actually works.

[Dub 9,922]

@@Sharon1964 nailed it with her list. It's nice for folks to make positive comments....it's simply when the questions start that things tend to get uncomfortable. Not always, though....some questions come from folks that you are dead level honest with and it feels good to discuss things with them.

For instance, I was at work last Friday, talking things over with a new coworker helping her get a gameplan together to deal with an issue. We were standing in her work area.

Another coworker that I've known for 17 years was walking up from a good distance away with a cup of coffee in hand, shaking his head. "Howdy, man.....how are things?", I ask and shake his hand. "You tell me, he says......how are you doing.....and I know you are gonna say 'great' because you look like you feel 'great'. You have really slimmed down.", he replied.

Good stuff. I guess I don't "see" my physical changes like other's do. I feel them though. Feel them bigtime. I had the surgery to hopefully address a back problem that had me shutdown and struggling mightily. It's eased up significantly and allowed me to get more active.....reconnect with my gym time......given me mobility.....and yes, it still hurts like a beyotch at times......but not all the time.....just when I push too hard.....and I'm pushing, too. This whole post-op experience for me is based on the improved feels. It's nice when folks get that and compliment on this. It shows they understand the magnitude of my gratitude and relief. Only those close to me really could be in a position to understand this......those folks and my friends here, of course.

There are those who compliment but do so in weird ways....such as @@CowgirlJane experienced......loud compliments that get the attention of others in attendance. It then focuses a group on you. I tend to give them a big smile and simply assure them that I feel much, much better. Back is mending and that type of stuff. If they persist and want details I just go with, "made my health my number one priority" or something along those lines. If they persist further....then I end it with....."don't want to bore everyone with this right now....but if you want to discuss further we could chat over a cup of coffee sometime". This happened two weeks ago. Turns out she was truly interested in the details. We did chat later and overtime I attempted to steer the convo to other areas, she dug in further. She now knows all and it didn't send her running away. "Good for you.....now what's next ?", was how she replied after full disclosure. I could only give her a grin, shoulder shrug and a "who know's ?". We wrapped up my chapter and got on to her story. I was glad that I didn't just blow off her loud initial public compliment days earlier.

All of us have so many ironic aspects to our post-op lives. The relief I feel is so overwhelming, though, that I feel a strong obligation to take the awkward social moments and turn them into ways to explain the benefits of wls as I have experienced them. I steer them to the bariatric center I used and hope that their lives.....or someone they hold influence over lives will be changed for the better.

When the dust clears and I am at goal.....excess weight gone.....perhaps the excess skin gone......I'd like to speak publicly at the local bariatric support groups. Knowing that there are vast numbers of folks out there tormented with the discussion to have wls and what life will be like after........I'd love to ease their fears and at least hopefully help give them the good, bad and ugly about wls as I've known it up to that point.

Handling the "give me details" compliment folks is truly a task that doesn't come easy, but it is getting easier.

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

Most of the people in my life know I have had WLS. I'm an accountant and as tax season begins, there will be lots of clients who haven't seen me in a year. Although it is difficult for me to get irritated with someone who starts a conversation with "You look great....". I occasionally find the "How did you do it?" question annoying. Sometimes I say "I had bariatric surgery." knowing they will have to go home and google "bariatric". Other times, when I'm feeling particularly snarky, I say "I had 85% of my stomach removed." with no further explanation.

[southernbelle256 101]

I have been public about my VSG since around 3 months post op.

I love being told:

"I'm proud of you."

"I can see how hard you're working to do it the right way."

I don't love hearing:

"You're wasting away" (nowhere near it)

"Woah you lost a ton of weight."

"But how are you feeling? Aren't you sick all the time?" (Do I look sick?!)

Basically acknowledge my effort and commitment to my health and it makes me feel good. I totally understand that people don't know what to say. I don't know what to think when I look in the mirror. My brain has not adjusted to 74 lbs off in 5.5 months.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

"But how are you feeling? Aren't you sick all the time?" (Do I look sick?!)

What's funny is I get the opposite, and it irritates me. I get, "don't you feel so much better now?"

If I'm in a snarky mood (no, not ME, EVER!), I say, "actually no. I can't take the anti-inflammatories that I used to so I'm in pain now when I wasn't before."

I hate the notion that every fat person must feel awful all the time. Some do, some skinny people do. I know, I work in pain management. Not all of our pain patients are overweight.

If I'm NOT feeling snarky, I say, "it's nice to fit into the world."

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

"But how are you feeling? Aren't you sick all the time?" (Do I look sick?!)

What's funny is I get the opposite, and it irritates me. I get, "don't you feel so much better now?"

If I'm in a snarky mood (no, not ME, EVER!), I say, "actually no. I can't take the anti-inflammatories that I used to so I'm in pain now when I wasn't before."

I hate the notion that every fat person must feel awful all the time. Some do, some skinny people do. I know, I work in pain management. Not all of our pain patients are overweight.

If I'm NOT feeling snarky, I say, "it's nice to fit into the world."

Yes, I get this quite a bit. In fact, I got it from my own doctor. He was surprised when I said, "No. My back is still killing me but now I can't take anything for it." He has the same problem as me so he at least sympathized. Gosh I miss those NSAIDs...Sometimes Tylenol just doesn't cut it. I've found that regular exercise, my chiropractor, heating pad at night and occasional massage have helped me manage it without any medicine at all. But when I'm having a flare (like I am now) and it completely drains my energy I get irritated when people can't understand why I don't feel awesome all the time because I'm thin now.

Edit to add: I'm snarky pretty much 95% of the time ????

Edited January 31, 2016 by KristenVSG2014