Confession from a perfectionist

[lisacaron 5,075]

How many times have I said OK I need to start over? How many times have I told myself just one more time…and then I’ll start again?

How many times have I committed to recommitting? How many times have I told myself that I will write down every single thing that goes in my mouth? How many times have I told myself I WILL go to the gym today?

How many times have I found myself feeling guilty because of my perceived failure?

I go through these things and more too many times to count. My weight, my surgery, the scale, the gym, food they are always on my mind. When I wake up in the morning I think I need to get a weight today so I know where I am….that’s what’s going to tell me and help me get on track! So I go about my morning routine and the scale shines from the corner waiting for my feet to step up and weigh in but I have just one more thing to do…and I walk past the scale and escape into the next room.

I have defeated the siren call of the scale yet again! Sometimes, I drink coffee and think well now that’s not a “true” weight I just drank fluids! (Really?!) I have to go to the bathroom so weighing in will be better after that elimination of extra weight. (Really?!) Oops I just got dressed for the day including my socks and shoes and I can’t get on the scale now…that’s just too much extra weight and you know…you have to weigh with the least amount of clothing…and my scale needs bare feet and it’s cold and on and on and on…..

I sit at work and my smart watch tells me it’s time to stand…it might as well read “the beatings shall commence”. It starts with the guilt trip, why didn’t you get that weigh in this morning?! It’s been weeks…and you don’t know where you are, and you need to know that. (Really?) Why are you sitting so much..you should be getting up and being more active! You should bring your gym bag in and get your butt down to the gym! (The side commentary often replies with the standard “it’s January and all the resolutioners are in the gym, working out so they can pretend they are keeping their New Year resolution to get healthy. They are clogging things up and you can’t get in there with all that going on!” Really?!) and the beating continues as I guilt myself throughout the day.

I make the “healthy” food choices and for the most part when I am eating “food” I try to make sure I make the healthier choice steering clear of the fatty fried foods, eating my Protein and drinking my Water. So what’s my problem? My problem is that I am perfectionist. It’s all or nothing for me, and either way I have to do it to perfection!

If I have a bad day…well it has to be the badest of bad days. Complete with not only with lack of exercise, but forgetting to take my Vitamins, and consuming lots of all kinds of sugary Desserts. If you’re going to be bad might as well eat the ice cream and chocolate and forget the chicken breast right?!

If I am having good day well you know its perfect right? I wake up and the birds are chirping and the sun is shining and all is right in my world. My feet hit the floor and I can’t wait to step on the scale to see how wonderful I am and what a success I am! (Usually this is where the fantasy begins and ends)

On these days it’s the middle of the road for me. Reality has woken me up and given me that cosmic 2x4 womp upside my head and for a minute the obsessing stops. It’s not about what I did or didn’t do. It’s not about what I ate, but more about what I will do and what I will eat.

I don’t need to beat myself into submission to be perfect, I just need to live for this. Right here right now this very moment. I need to stop. Just stop, and be present. Right here right now. Nothing more and nothing less.

Yes some of those moments are going to be “bad” ones and some are going to be “good” ones. All that really matters is the reality of all of these moments. I don’t have to dwell on the past or the future I just have to live in the now.

It’s really all I am capable of these days. I don’t know what it is in me that strives for this “perfection” it is now and has been a flaw of mine. While it is true that in many ways it helps me strive to learn and grow and better myself, and it is also true that in many ways it holds me back and limits me, and it will even sabotage my success, when I let it (or use it as an excuse!).

I will look at my weight loss to date and I say I have ONLY lost….as though it is a negative. When I should be focusing on the fact that I have LOST that weight and it has not returned.

So today as I write this confession, and my smart watch is beeping at me to stand up and move around and I am taking that time to do just that and to look at it in a positive way. Not saying telling myself I am a failure for not getting to the gym today, but saying hooray you are moving more than you did before!

I am not going to beat myself up for sleeping later this morning, I am going to allow myself the extra Zzz because my body and my soul needed it. I am not going to beat myself up for not stepping on the scale this morning, instead I am going to commit to resetting the darn thing tonight and setting it up to move forward.

I am setting a reminder on my phone to prompt me to weigh in and take measurements and I am scheduling time for ME. Yes I am putting an actual appointment on the calendar to do things that I need to do for me. Including making lunch, getting to the gym, and having dinner out with friends. It’s important, and if I feel the perfection monster trying to sabotage me I’m going to come back here and refocus on the moment and get back to reality of being perfectly imperfect one moment at a time.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us. I know how hard it is to let go of perfection. There is a reason I am currently reading Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection.

You sound so tired and overwhelmed in your post. I hereby give you permission to do things imperfectly and most of all to have fun!

Keep sharing!

[gowalking 10,790]

What can I say? I love ya my friend and I'm just a phone call away.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@Inner Surfer Girl Thank you I am going to have to look that book up and give it a read!

@@gowalking Thank you my friend! I am working on getting a grip really I am. It's one thing after another but you know that's life. At least so far (I am knocking on wood) things are working. Dad is out of the hospital and staying with my brother for the moment and we are trying to get him an apartment in a 55 and over community closer out on the East end by us, and so far he is working with us and not against it.

On a good note I did get the scale reprogrammed today, and I have gained about 3 pounds since the last time I weighed which is not a huge amount but still....I would like to refocus on becoming healthier and remembering why I had this surgery to begin with.

My family has so many issues, things I didn't know about before that are so clear now. Not only the issues with digestion that I knew about already but issues with metabolism and the way the body processes and eliminates toxins. So far 3 out of 4 of my fathers siblings including himself have had issues with renal failure, kidney cancer, leukemia and lymphoma.

it's a bit of a wake up call for me that I need to really take this seriously and take care of myself, eat right and exercise. Sweets are my downfall, but I have to be stronger than them so I can live a long life and not end up where my Dad is at 73 or my Aunt who passed at 61 or my Uncle who has bladder cancer at 56. Couple that with my Mom's DNA...she passed at 51 from a brain tumor. I'd say the odds are not in my favor.

[lisacaron 5,075]

So I read that fear of shame hides behind perfectionism.

Now those who know me...know that's not the case. I'm not afraid of being ashamed to fail or be less than perfect. I don't have a fear of trying new things or taking chances, even some that others might shy away from.

I don't hate myself or my body, though I'm sure I like most people can find flaws but I would think only air brushed 2 dimensional pictures would not be able to find flaws in their faces or bodies. The live actress and/or models that are portrayed in those pictures I'm sure would say that yes they have flaws (probably the reason for the airbrushing to begin with.)

Earlier this morning I had a conversation with a co-worker about her daughter. Her daughter is 28 and has blue hair that was supposed to be more lavender than smurf color blue.

This mornings conversation started with me asking my co-worker how her daughters hair was shaping up as it toned down, did she get that lavender shade or was she still smurf blue? We got to talking about how daring and free spirited her daughter is and how unlike her that is. She is so boring and average she said, as she is telling me how her daughter packed a Knapp sack and flew off to Tanzania and Peru....she told me she would never even think to do those things alone she would be too scared and she didn't know where her daughter got it from!!

We talked about how her Dad was controlling when she was growing up, and a light bulb went off in my head. Yes of course she would not do the things her daughter had no qualms about doing. She was raised with her Dad projecting his fears to her, so she was afraid to take chances. She in turn raised her daughter without those fears, showing her all the world had to offer even if she herself was not able to reach out and take advantage of it.

The same is true for me when it comes to dealing with this need to be perfect and the conflicting feelings I have about it. My parents raised me to be an independent strong woman, and conversely judged and criticized me for being exactly that. When I was growing up, the things I did were usually never good enough for them. If I was a 98 average student, they would press and say that if you try harder you would be 100. You could be #1 at this or that. When I was 11 I won third place in the United States Dance Tournament. I was happy there were lots of dancers there, but of course it was ONLY third place. That has stuck in my mind pretty much my whole life.

Is it any wonder I beat myself up all the time? Nope it's not. These are some pretty old wounds, and they don't seem to heal very well. There are times when I can hear my mother's voice in my head...and it can still bring me to tears. I know better, I know who I am and what I want out of life yet when certain things happen I can get right back to that not good enough feeling and get down on myself pretty darn hard.

I tend to overcompensate for what I perceive as lack...and I can drive myself and others into the ground. So I am still struggling with this all these years later. Not out of fear, or even shame of failing because the only shame I feel is my own memories of the past. My mother is long since deceased so she can't say a word...and yet that voice is ever in the back of my mind....

Today's epiphany has helped to untangle me a bit, as I realize that these are not my fears, or my shame of not being perfect but the fears of my parents projected on me. I grew up with these thoughts being ingrained like grooves on a record that if left alone will keep playing that same old tune. Well DJ it's time to scratch that record up and spin a new tune...it might take a while for me to find the beat...but I'm up for the challenge!

[lisacaron 5,075]

It's mighty strange today as everyone is prepping for this storm. Talk about being a perfectionist. Everyone is running out to make sure they have enough to feed an army of soldiers through the winter.

For my part, I have been trying to remain relaxed about the whole thing. Even though the media and those around me keep trying to jerk my chain and set me off into full on adrenaline overload to start stock piling my shelves with food I will never eat spending money on things I don't need because I already have shovels and ice melt. My car has gas and I am good to hunker down for a few days.

My hubby just called into work so I won't see him pretty much the whole weekend and I have so many things that I actually need to be home for, and I am finally in a fairly healthy frame to tackle. Things that are just not sexy or fun to do when your home with your love ya know...like scrub the bathtub, sew hole I tore in the comforter and re-arrange your closet and sock drawer.

Not to mention have just downloaded some great books to read, (for fun! not learning for a change) and I bought myself one of those awesome adult coloring books and a jigsaw puzzle. I don't even need the internet or TV to keep me entertained! Don't tell the kids that...they would die! Lets hope power is not an issue this weekend!

I'm looking forward to a nice weekend at home, doing those things relaxing in that nicely scrubbed tub (trust me I have a family of MEN it needs a SCRUBBING) reading, cooking some nice home made dishes. ( I never have time to cook unless it's a holiday or I get snowed in!) I might even bake one of those Protein muffin in a cup things...I read about on another thread.

So in my mind I have the weekend perfectly planned....ha and watch we will only get rain!! (here's hoping!!)

[gowalking 10,790]

Stay warm and dry Lisa. Julian's here but busy studying for his PHR certificate so I'm in the bedroom watching the news and reading up on the forum. No chickens left at Citarella's last night so we ordered in Chinese. I'm up a pound this morning...darned sodium..so I took out salmon for dinner and will have the farrow and asparagus I bought the other day along with it. Julian can have the leftover Chinese food. Maybe I'll make popcorn tonight for a treat. We're gonna watch The Grand Budapest Hotel. Enjoy the blizzard my friend.

[lisacaron 5,075]

Well it's been that kind of week....the weekend was no picnic. My plans for rest and relaxation went right out the window.

Lets see if I can give you the highlights.

Kids...20 year old kids. As if that is not enough....let me add in trip to Vermont in a bilzzard at midnight in friends 1998 Honda....it didn't happen..because well there were... broken jaws, a hit in the head with a baseball bat...30 inches of snow....dogs that have to pee and can't get out of the house because of the snow...and going drifting in cars seriously WTF?!

I am ready to hit these kids in the head with a few baseball bats myself just to knock some sense into them!!! Who came up with this? If I can't go to Vermont and snowboard (you know because 30" of snow on Long Island isn't enough to snow board on) I'll take my car out and go drifting in parking lots....did you hear me screaming??? You probably can still hear it in parts of Canada today.

Is it any wonder that after seeing my Dr. today I am wearing a halter monitor for my heart? I'm thinking Nah...what's to wonder about?! A heart attack seems par for the course here.

I'm right SMACK in the middle between the aging raging parents and the 20 something kids that know it all but don't know enough to get out of the way of a swinging bat!!!!

I'm ready for the heart attack just so I can have my own room some drugs and monitors that will keep all the "stress" away from me.

Really I am so dam tired....I can't even think...just breathe and let it go....better yet put those ear phones in and blast Let it Go so you can't hear the phone ringing!!! Dam text messaging cause I can still see that!!! OK eye mask please...

[gowalking 10,790]

I have no words....

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Sympathy. I totally understand.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Calgon, take her away.

Don't you love how every doctor, therapist, etc. says it's important that we reduce our stress levels for our health? But never tell us how?

Life doesn't cooperate.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@JustWatchMe your right life does not cooperate. Even though I do all I can to stay away from stress it finds me. Today, I took some time to let the heart monitor wind down so I could remove it and take a nice hot shower and try to get those sticky rings from the probe pads off my skin. (yeah good luck...it's still sticky even after olive oil, alcohol and a scrub brush in the shower)

As I was just about ready to leave and head into the office and drop the monitor off at the Dr. that is closer to work than home, I get a message from sister in law asking me what I did with my old mattress when I got a new one 4 years ago?! Did she think I put it in the attic to save it for some reason?! It was long gone when they came to deliver my new one.

So I gather my father is complaining about them buying furnature for the apartment we are securing for him. OK I get it...but I said to my self this is not for me to worry about. Move on and do you...take care of yourself and get to work and take care of things you need to take care of. Yeah well of course I can't just leave it at that, I had to reach out to some people and ask them if they still had stuff in storage they might want to sell. Of course the last time I had heard about them having stuff in storage was December and life moves on...and they no longer have that stuff in storage but gave it away.

Well low and behold, a few texts to a few people later and most of the people that took the items were not using them and only storing them so they were happy to give them to me for my father's apartment. In about half an hour I had the whole living room and bedroom ready to go. Really I don't know how the kids text so much my thumbs hurt.

Now my brother needs to go and get the stuff....will that be an additional source of stress...? Oh boy I hope not!!! I can't do it for them, I could ask my boys to help but they work and only around on Sat. of course my brother has 2 parties to go to on Sat. REALLY? Grrrrr well I did my part....can I be off the hook? Cause physically right now I can't do more than drive the truck and broker the time and place for pick up.

I really need a nap!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@JustWatchMe your right life does not cooperate. Even though I do all I can to stay away from stress it finds me. Today, I took some time to let the heart monitor wind down so I could remove it and take a nice hot shower and try to get those sticky rings from the probe pads off my skin. (yeah good luck...it's still sticky even after olive oil, alcohol and a scrub brush in the shower)

As I was just about ready to leave and head into the office and drop the monitor off at the Dr. that is closer to work than home, I get a message from sister in law asking me what I did with my old mattress when I got a new one 4 years ago?! Did she think I put it in the attic to save it for some reason?! It was long gone when they came to deliver my new one.

So I gather my father is complaining about them buying furnature for the apartment we are securing for him. OK I get it...but I said to my self this is not for me to worry about. Move on and do you...take care of yourself and get to work and take care of things you need to take care of. Yeah well of course I can't just leave it at that, I had to reach out to some people and ask them if they still had stuff in storage they might want to sell. Of course the last time I had heard about them having stuff in storage was December and life moves on...and they no longer have that stuff in storage but gave it away.

Well low and behold, a few texts to a few people later and most of the people that took the items were not using them and only storing them so they were happy to give them to me for my father's apartment. In about half an hour I had the whole living room and bedroom ready to go. Really I don't know how the kids text so much my thumbs hurt.

Now my brother needs to go and get the stuff....will that be an additional source of stress...? Oh boy I hope not!!! I can't do it for them, I could ask my boys to help but they work and only around on Sat. of course my brother has 2 parties to go to on Sat. REALLY? Grrrrr well I did my part....can I be off the hook? Cause physically right now I can't do more than drive the truck and broker the time and place for pick up.

I really need a nap!

Well, gee ... you sure don't suffer from the "everybody else in my life is #1 but me" syndrome, not to mention that "I can do it better than anyone else, so everybody else get the hell back!" syndrome. .

Do you?

I'm only saying this because I recognize that stuff so well, since I was the World Champeen of both those syndromes for decades. (I have since retired that title.)

And here's my kind advice: You need to stop that shit.

Really.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Lisa, take that nap.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@VSGAnn2014 I just loved this! "Well, gee ... you sure don't suffer from the "everybody else in my life is #1 but me" syndrome, not to mention that "I can do it better than anyone else, so everybody else get the hell back!" syndrome.".

You are so right those are exactly my issues. I have to let others do their thing and stop trying to "fix" everything for everyone but myself.

I have been having some issues with my heart as of late, and the good news about that is after a scare and being rushed into the emergency room by my Dr.'s my heart itself is well. My arteries are clear, no blockages, no gross physical abnormalities in the heart muscle itself and the pressure and heart rate did not do any damage to the heart muscle. Those are some really good findings as miserable as they were to find out I am grateful for them.

I was thinking out loud to a co-worker this morning that yes even though my Dad has major cardiac issues and experienced his first full blown heart attack at 42 three years younger than I am today, I have few things in my favor. The big ones being that I eat healthy, I get some exercise in and I don't smoke. Those things were reflected in the cardiac CAT scan. So now I just need to keep doing those things, and investigate what's up with the wiring in my heart that's causing it to work so hard and make me so darn tired....and while the Dr's work on that...I am working on me and keeping it stress free and trying to keep it as healthy as I can make it!