Is there any hope?

[Valentina 2,642]

Hello, my name is Valentina. I had my gastric sleeve surgery June 6, 2011. I was so excited to finally have it done and to begin my weight loss journey. June 7, 2011 my world collapsed , leaving me in a dark abyss.

I guess I need to back up a wee bit. My life's partner and the love of my life was unfortunately diagnosed as clinically depressed. He had attempted suicide in 2008. I found him and called 911. He spent many days in the hospital, but came home much improved. Our life together was one of fairy tales for the next two and a half years. Just after I started my four month pre-surgery weight loss regime, John's depression worsened. He was not supportive of my surgery plans. I tried to explain to him how I had to get weight off of my joints as I have severe DJD, RA, and OA. In March of 2011 I had my left knee replaced. I thought then he would have seen the importance of my needing to have bariatric surgery. He did not. He refused to support me, accompany me to any of my testing appointment or even speak with me about my upcoming surgery. His psych physicians, PCP, and three therapists all advised me to go ahead with my surgery. They assured me that John would eventually see how much better our life together would be.

I made arrangements with each of John's doctors to call John throughout the day of my surgery to make sure he was holding his own and not panicking. I made arrangements with my surgeon to allow me to come home the very next morning after my surgery so as not to leave John alone any longer than needed. So, the morning of June 6th, I drove myself to the hospital.

The next morning after my surgery, I called John. There was no answer. I called and called and called. Finally, I got my surgeon to do my post-op testing early and went home. I found John dead in our bed. He had taken all of his vicodins that I had left in the care of his 22yr old daughter. (later she told me that she wanted to go out and her father assured her that he wasn't a child and could manage his own medication).

From the moment I walked into the bedroom, my gastric sleeve was forgotten. I didn't acknowledge it, nor speak of it. To me, I never had the surgery. John was so opposed to it, that I blamed myself for his death. Maybe if I hadn't left him and had the surgery he would still be alive.

I've spent the last almost 5 years hating food, sick when eating it, eating everything wrong, and in intensive therapy.

Last December I had to have spinal fusion of L2,L3.L4,&L5. That's when I began to remember why I needed/wanted the weight loss surgery to begin with. I need to get weight off of my joints/bones.

Finally, I am beginning to not blame myself. I am beginning to see a wee bit of sunshine in my daily life. I want--no, I need to pick up where I left off and restart my gastric sleeve journey. I spoke with the surgeon who took over after my bariatric surgeon left the practice. The replacement surgeon knew nothing of my history . All he could say was that I was "noncompliant" with my aftercare. I left his office in tears. He did order blood work (which he assured me would be WAY off. He said that I had to prove my commitment to "him" and he would see me in 6 months. After I regained my anger and composure I did make an appointment to see a nutritionist. I also asked my orthopedist (who is in the same building) for a RX for Aquatherapy. That is about the only way I can exercise since my spinal surgery. I am still unsteady to walk on the icey back roads of rural NY state.

My questions are: Is there any hope for me? Can I restart and get back on track? Does ANYONE have any words of wisdom/advise for me?? HELP!, please

Valentina

[Kathy812 794]

Valentina, my God, what a tragic story. My heart is actually aching for you right now & if I could hug you, I would.

Every day that you wake up there is hope. If the surgeon you saw doesn't help, go to another one. I've read where people have not lost a lot of weight w/the sleeve and had to return for a revision. I don't know much about that procedure, but research and ask questions. Most of us aren't doctors, so we can only offer support.

I commend you for taking the first steps towards a healthier you. It's time to fight for you, you truly deserve it.

Please keep us posted.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so, so sorry for your loss and for everything you have been through. I cannot even begin to imagine what it has been like.

I am not in your shoes, but looking from the outside, I want to tell you that none of what happened is your fault.

Do you have a good therapist? It seems like dealing with stress and grief would require a great deal of support. If you aren't seeing someone I encourage you to find someone who has experience working with bariatric patients.

You can definitely get back on track. I can't imagine that it will be easy, but you still have your sleeve and it can help you going forward.

It is great that you have a NUT. That would be the first place I suggest you start.

Do you track your food? I use the MyFitnessPal app on my phone. It is invaluable for tracking my food, especially my Protein.

I encourage you to start with the basics:

Make sure you:

Get at least 64 oz of water/fluid a day;

Reach your Protein target every day. (Mine is 100 grams a day.);

Avoid starches (bread, rice, potatoes, etc.) and minimize sugar;

Take your Vitamins and supplements as instructed; and

Exercise. (Water exercise is great. It's my preferred exercise.)

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

I also encourage you to talk frankly with your new surgeon about your struggles. He has no way to know what challenges you have been facing unless you tell him. He may or may not have a different attitude, but at least you will have done your best.

[TinyTink 268]

You've already gotten wonderful advice. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

[Valentina 2,642]

Thank you ever so much one and all. I did try to explain to the replacement surgeon about the circumstances of why I wasn't "compliant" after my surgery. He stated that he was sorry for my loss, but we all have close ones that die and to blame myself was "ridiculous". I needed to stay compliant or expect exactly to end up where I find myself today. I almost lost it with frustration. I guess the years I've spent with my therapist must be working because I remained calm. The surgeon said I could come back in six months and speak with him again once I've "proven" myself to him. I hope to be in the care of a new bariatric surgeon by then.

I am actually looking forward to seeing the nutritionist next Tues.. I have forgotten so much. I am determined to see this through --for myself. I've earned the right to finish my Quest. I've paid the price.

Thank you again. Your words bring me hope.

[FrankyG 1,450]

There are many doctors out there that are kind and compassionate and have a great bedside manner. And there are many more really great doctors that have a horrible bedside manner. This sounds like the kind you're dealing with right now.

Understand that he's not trying to be mean; he just sucks at doing anything to do with feelings. He knows bodies and guts and stuff - so don't look to him for emotional support.

As far as your partner's suicide. I am so very sorry for what he did to you. You absolutely are not to blame for his depression or the selfish nature of what he did. I had a family member commit suicide and from experience - it is an act of selfishness and anger/control sometimes as much as one of depression. They were too far gone in their own messed up thoughts and feelings and focusing only on themselves to see that there is always a way through. He lashed out in anger and fear in the only way he felt he could control the situation. You did nothing wrong.

I do hope one of the things you have done since then is find a competent counselor/therapist to work through all of the sorrow and guilt he left you with. Counseling can help with the weight/eating issues too as you find your way back to working your sleeve.

Good luck with everything. I do hope you find your way down the path to happiness and being healthy.

[HopeandAgony 566]

Hugs to you. It's time to let go of any blame you've carried. Your life is worth fighting for and I am so proud of you for seeing that. People who've not experienced anything similar will never fully relate, and in my opinion Doctors by nature have had to shield their emotions to remain detached.

As a person with a mental illness, I have never wanted anyone else to feel burdened by what is wrong with me. I have never wanted someone else to feel responsible, that in fact makes me feel worse.

I am also of a highly unlikable mind frame that suicide should never be considered selfish. In no way do I support it, or think I would ever turn to it, but the depths of one's illness can be unimaginable if you've never been there yourself. I believe there are some demons that people cannot beat. For those who haven't gone thru the extensive daily battle, trust me when I say it's exhausting, it's soul breaking, and all you want sometimes is a moments freedom from your own mind. Not every person on this earth is as strong as the next. To wake up every morning and have to fight the same battle again can be so overwhelming.

OP, I share this because I would like to think, based on my own feelings, he didn't mean to blame you. He was just tired. His lack of support was due to his inability to help himself.

Please don't blame yourself any longer. I believe you can turn this around. With the right care and guidance, I don't ever consider anything to be "too late". Please continue to come here for support. I've only been sleeved for 9 weeks but am only a message away. Reach out anytime.

Edited January 16, 2016 by HopeandAgony

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I can't imagine how awful you must feel. Here is a hug from Miss Mac in Chicago.

You did mention that he had a previous suicide attempt, which means to me that he was already in a personal angst that tormented his mind. That wasn't your fault either. I agree that you would benefit from counseling on two fronts....for grieving and for finding the boost you need to proceed toward bariatric success.

If you haven't searched out a local support group for both aspects, then at least find a forum on-line for survivors left behind after the self-inflicted death of a loved one. We can especially support you with encouragement for weight loss.

You will find several people on here who have had their progress interrupted by surgery, pregnancy, and loss. One of our members recently had a spinal fusion, and I expect to undergo a full lumbar fusion before summer. You may find that I will need to come to you for support when inactivity during the recovery process slows my role.

You will find many friends here. I am glad you popped in. Please take good care of yourself and keep in touch with us frequently.

In the meantime, here are three concepts that we all have in common that help us stay focused:

Drink Water until your eyeballs float.

Don't eat anything made in a factory. You will have your best success with foods you can chase or pick from a plant.

Topload your diet with lean Protein.

Don't become part of the sofa. I am proud of you for engaging in Water therapy. That is a great start.

I wish you good luck and good health.

[rking 484]

Please, please, please find another surgeon. He sounds like a complete ass. You need a caring doctor who truly cares about you. He is not that. Most of the people on here have wonderful surgeons who they love, including me. Where are you from? Maybe someone can recommend someone. It is important to me that you have a surgeon you love and trust. It makes all the difference in the world.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss and I am glad you are realizing it is not your fault. Bless his heart, depression is a horrible disease.

We are all here for you sweetheart. YES! You can do this. You have a fabulous tool to help you!

Good luck to you!!!!!

[rking 484]

@@HopeandAgony you hit the nail on the head! Most have not been to the dark inner depths of depression to the point of contemplating suicide. Outsiders see it as selfishness when, indeed, the person actually believes the world and its people would be better off without them. They think they are doing a service for their loved ones. My sister suffers greatly.

Thank you for posting such wonderful advise.

[DaisyAmy 561]

I am so so sorry for what you've been through. I don't have any advice to add, but just wanted to offer my support in your journey. Xx

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Hi, everyone! I guess it is my turn to report on my sleeve surgery. I was sleeved in Middletown, NY on June 6th. I woke up with a excuriating back ache, but absolute NO surgical pain. Can you believe it? I still can't get over it. I don't know whether it's because I just had my knee replaced in March and the pain of that is 1,000 times that of getting sleeved. It was for me anyway.

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from my SO telling me to have my daughter pick me up from the hospital because after 6 years I was no longer welcome in "his" house. He said that I was selfish having elective surgery while he is soooooo clinically depressed. He just couldn't handle me being that selfish and didn't want to see me again.

Try breathing after getting a phone call like that.

I am upstate NY living with my best friend for the last 27 years. She had a bypass last Feb and is taking good care of me. I have WAY too much emotional pain. That is probably why I don't have any surgical pain.

My mother always used to tell me, "Valentina, you come from stern stock. Don't ever forget that. It will get you through the tough times in your life". Well, Mom I'm trying REAL hard to remember...

Thank you ALL for the support and caring that I have gotten from this site. You are truly my support family now.

Valentina

Hello, my name is Valentina. I had my gastric sleeve surgery June 6, 2011. I was so excited to finally have it done and to begin my weight loss journey. June 7, 2011 my world collapsed , leaving me in a dark abyss.

I guess I need to back up a wee bit. My life's partner and the love of my life was unfortunately diagnosed as clinically depressed. He had attempted suicide in 2008. I found him and called 911. He spent many days in the hospital, but came home much improved. Our life together was one of fairy tales for the next two and a half years. Just after I started my four month pre-surgery weight loss regime, John's depression worsened. He was not supportive of my surgery plans. I tried to explain to him how I had to get weight off of my joints as I have severe DJD, RA, and OA. In March of 2011 I had my left knee replaced. I thought then he would have seen the importance of my needing to have bariatric surgery. He did not. He refused to support me, accompany me to any of my testing appointment or even speak with me about my upcoming surgery. His psych physicians, PCP, and three therapists all advised me to go ahead with my surgery. They assured me that John would eventually see how much better our life together would be.

I made arrangements with each of John's doctors to call John throughout the day of my surgery to make sure he was holding his own and not panicking. I made arrangements with my surgeon to allow me to come home the very next morning after my surgery so as not to leave John alone any longer than needed. So, the morning of June 6th, I drove myself to the hospital.

The next morning after my surgery, I called John. There was no answer. I called and called and called. Finally, I got my surgeon to do my post-op testing early and went home. I found John dead in our bed. He had taken all of his vicodins that I had left in the care of his 22yr old daughter. (later she told me that she wanted to go out and her father assured her that he wasn't a child and could manage his own medication).

From the moment I walked into the bedroom, my gastric sleeve was forgotten. I didn't acknowledge it, nor speak of it. To me, I never had the surgery. John was so opposed to it, that I blamed myself for his death. Maybe if I hadn't left him and had the surgery he would still be alive.

I've spent the last almost 5 years hating food, sick when eating it, eating everything wrong, and in intensive therapy.

Last December I had to have spinal fusion of L2,L3.L4,&L5. That's when I began to remember why I needed/wanted the weight loss surgery to begin with. I need to get weight off of my joints/bones.

Finally, I am beginning to not blame myself. I am beginning to see a wee bit of sunshine in my daily life. I want--no, I need to pick up where I left off and restart my gastric sleeve journey. I spoke with the surgeon who took over after my bariatric surgeon left the practice. The replacement surgeon knew nothing of my history . All he could say was that I was "noncompliant" with my aftercare. I left his office in tears. He did order blood work (which he assured me would be WAY off. He said that I had to prove my commitment to "him" and he would see me in 6 months. After I regained my anger and composure I did make an appointment to see a nutritionist. I also asked my orthopedist (who is in the same building) for a RX for Aquatherapy. That is about the only way I can exercise since my spinal surgery. I am still unsteady to walk on the icey back roads of rural NY state.

My questions are: Is there any hope for me? Can I restart and get back on track? Does ANYONE have any words of wisdom/advise for me?? HELP!, please

Valentina

Color me confused.

[Valentina 2,642]

Hi, everyone! I guess it is my turn to report on my sleeve surgery. I was sleeved in Middletown, NY on June 6th. I woke up with a excuriating back ache, but absolute NO surgical pain. Can you believe it? I still can't get over it. I don't know whether it's because I just had my knee replaced in March and the pain of that is 1,000 times that of getting sleeved. It was for me anyway.

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from my SO telling me to have my daughter pick me up from the hospital because after 6 years I was no longer welcome in "his" house. He said that I was selfish having elective surgery while he is soooooo clinically depressed. He just couldn't handle me being that selfish and didn't want to see me again.

Try breathing after getting a phone call like that.

I am upstate NY living with my best friend for the last 27 years. She had a bypass last Feb and is taking good care of me. I have WAY too much emotional pain. That is probably why I don't have any surgical pain.

My mother always used to tell me, "Valentina, you come from stern stock. Don't ever forget that. It will get you through the tough times in your life". Well, Mom I'm trying REAL hard to remember...

Thank you ALL for the support and caring that I have gotten from this site. You are truly my support family now.

Valentina

Hello, my name is Valentina. I had my gastric sleeve surgery June 6, 2011. I was so excited to finally have it done and to begin my weight loss journey. June 7, 2011 my world collapsed , leaving me in a dark abyss.

I guess I need to back up a wee bit. My life's partner and the love of my life was unfortunately diagnosed as clinically depressed. He had attempted suicide in 2008. I found him and called 911. He spent many days in the hospital, but came home much improved. Our life together was one of fairy tales for the next two and a half years. Just after I started my four month pre-surgery weight loss regime, John's depression worsened. He was not supportive of my surgery plans. I tried to explain to him how I had to get weight off of my joints as I have severe DJD, RA, and OA. In March of 2011 I had my left knee replaced. I thought then he would have seen the importance of my needing to have bariatric surgery. He did not. He refused to support me, accompany me to any of my testing appointment or even speak with me about my upcoming surgery. His psych physicians, PCP, and three therapists all advised me to go ahead with my surgery. They assured me that John would eventually see how much better our life together would be.

I made arrangements with each of John's doctors to call John throughout the day of my surgery to make sure he was holding his own and not panicking. I made arrangements with my surgeon to allow me to come home the very next morning after my surgery so as not to leave John alone any longer than needed. So, the morning of June 6th, I drove myself to the hospital.

The next morning after my surgery, I called John. There was no answer. I called and called and called. Finally, I got my surgeon to do my post-op testing early and went home. I found John dead in our bed. He had taken all of his vicodins that I had left in the care of his 22yr old daughter. (later she told me that she wanted to go out and her father assured her that he wasn't a child and could manage his own medication).

From the moment I walked into the bedroom, my gastric sleeve was forgotten. I didn't acknowledge it, nor speak of it. To me, I never had the surgery. John was so opposed to it, that I blamed myself for his death. Maybe if I hadn't left him and had the surgery he would still be alive.

I've spent the last almost 5 years hating food, sick when eating it, eating everything wrong, and in intensive therapy.

Last December I had to have spinal fusion of L2,L3.L4,&L5. That's when I began to remember why I needed/wanted the weight loss surgery to begin with. I need to get weight off of my joints/bones.

Finally, I am beginning to not blame myself. I am beginning to see a wee bit of sunshine in my daily life. I want--no, I need to pick up where I left off and restart my gastric sleeve journey. I spoke with the surgeon who took over after my bariatric surgeon left the practice. The replacement surgeon knew nothing of my history . All he could say was that I was "noncompliant" with my aftercare. I left his office in tears. He did order blood work (which he assured me would be WAY off. He said that I had to prove my commitment to "him" and he would see me in 6 months. After I regained my anger and composure I did make an appointment to see a nutritionist. I also asked my orthopedist (who is in the same building) for a RX for Aquatherapy. That is about the only way I can exercise since my spinal surgery. I am still unsteady to walk on the icey back roads of rural NY state.

My questions are: Is there any hope for me? Can I restart and get back on track? Does ANYONE have any words of wisdom/advise for me?? HELP!, please

Valentina

Color me confused.

As I said before, owing no explanations, it was a VERY long time before I acknowledged John's suicide--even to myself. I came back after all these years and long sessions of therapy, to get support and kinship. If you are unwilling or unable to offer that to me, let me know. Right now I am feeling so disappointed.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Hi, everyone! I guess it is my turn to report on my sleeve surgery. I was sleeved in Middletown, NY on June 6th. I woke up with a excuriating back ache, but absolute NO surgical pain. Can you believe it? I still can't get over it. I don't know whether it's because I just had my knee replaced in March and the pain of that is 1,000 times that of getting sleeved. It was for me anyway.

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from my SO telling me to have my daughter pick me up from the hospital because after 6 years I was no longer welcome in "his" house. He said that I was selfish having elective surgery while he is soooooo clinically depressed. He just couldn't handle me being that selfish and didn't want to see me again.

Try breathing after getting a phone call like that.

I am upstate NY living with my best friend for the last 27 years. She had a bypass last Feb and is taking good care of me. I have WAY too much emotional pain. That is probably why I don't have any surgical pain.

My mother always used to tell me, "Valentina, you come from stern stock. Don't ever forget that. It will get you through the tough times in your life". Well, Mom I'm trying REAL hard to remember...

Thank you ALL for the support and caring that I have gotten from this site. You are truly my support family now.

Valentina

Hello, my name is Valentina. I had my gastric sleeve surgery June 6, 2011. I was so excited to finally have it done and to begin my weight loss journey. June 7, 2011 my world collapsed , leaving me in a dark abyss.

I guess I need to back up a wee bit. My life's partner and the love of my life was unfortunately diagnosed as clinically depressed. He had attempted suicide in 2008. I found him and called 911. He spent many days in the hospital, but came home much improved. Our life together was one of fairy tales for the next two and a half years. Just after I started my four month pre-surgery weight loss regime, John's depression worsened. He was not supportive of my surgery plans. I tried to explain to him how I had to get weight off of my joints as I have severe DJD, RA, and OA. In March of 2011 I had my left knee replaced. I thought then he would have seen the importance of my needing to have bariatric surgery. He did not. He refused to support me, accompany me to any of my testing appointment or even speak with me about my upcoming surgery. His psych physicians, PCP, and three therapists all advised me to go ahead with my surgery. They assured me that John would eventually see how much better our life together would be.

I made arrangements with each of John's doctors to call John throughout the day of my surgery to make sure he was holding his own and not panicking. I made arrangements with my surgeon to allow me to come home the very next morning after my surgery so as not to leave John alone any longer than needed. So, the morning of June 6th, I drove myself to the hospital.

The next morning after my surgery, I called John. There was no answer. I called and called and called. Finally, I got my surgeon to do my post-op testing early and went home. I found John dead in our bed. He had taken all of his vicodins that I had left in the care of his 22yr old daughter. (later she told me that she wanted to go out and her father assured her that he wasn't a child and could manage his own medication).

From the moment I walked into the bedroom, my gastric sleeve was forgotten. I didn't acknowledge it, nor speak of it. To me, I never had the surgery. John was so opposed to it, that I blamed myself for his death. Maybe if I hadn't left him and had the surgery he would still be alive.

I've spent the last almost 5 years hating food, sick when eating it, eating everything wrong, and in intensive therapy.

Last December I had to have spinal fusion of L2,L3.L4,&L5. That's when I began to remember why I needed/wanted the weight loss surgery to begin with. I need to get weight off of my joints/bones.

Finally, I am beginning to not blame myself. I am beginning to see a wee bit of sunshine in my daily life. I want--no, I need to pick up where I left off and restart my gastric sleeve journey. I spoke with the surgeon who took over after my bariatric surgeon left the practice. The replacement surgeon knew nothing of my history . All he could say was that I was "noncompliant" with my aftercare. I left his office in tears. He did order blood work (which he assured me would be WAY off. He said that I had to prove my commitment to "him" and he would see me in 6 months. After I regained my anger and composure I did make an appointment to see a nutritionist. I also asked my orthopedist (who is in the same building) for a RX for Aquatherapy. That is about the only way I can exercise since my spinal surgery. I am still unsteady to walk on the icey back roads of rural NY state.

My questions are: Is there any hope for me? Can I restart and get back on track? Does ANYONE have any words of wisdom/advise for me?? HELP!, please

Valentina

Color me confused.

As I said before, owing no explanations, it was a VERY long time before I acknowledged John's suicide--even to myself. I came back after all these years and long sessions of therapy, to get support and kinship. If you are unwilling or unable to offer that to me, let me know. Right now I am feeling so disappointed.

Of course you don't owe any explanation. It's simply difficult for me to offer any advice or intelligent thoughts with two conflicting stories. I'm not sure if you had your surgery in 2011 or just recently. Clearly the details above are very different and both would require different thought processes.

No judgement here, just confusion.

[Valentina 2,642]

Once again (feeling kind of good to finally admit it), I had my sleeve surgery June 6, 2011. My S. O. committed suicide and my train of all rational thought went completely off the rails. I could not/would not admit that I had the surgery--even to myself. I went into complete denial. I felt responsible for John's death because he did not want me to have the surgery and was adamant about it. I did what a lot of BPs' suggest that we do when a family member isn't supportive--I had the surgery anyway. Well, I wasn't prepared for the consequences of that decision. It has taken me years to come to where I am now.

I have started all over again with the 4th week diet. I have met with a surgeon, nutritionist, am having aqua therapy, am still in therapy and I came here--where I ONCE I found sooo much support and heart felt caring.

I am determined to finish my Quest that I started that June morning in 2011--with or without BP's support. It saddens me that I may not have it. But NO ONE will stop me this time---NO ONE...

God Bless,

Valentina