Husband not supportive

[christina Abdo 1]

Hi I am female 31 years old with a BMI of 36 and I scheduled for my first consultation on the 19th. My story is that my husband doesn't want me to have the surgery and he is doing anything and everything he can to stop me from having , but I feel that it my decision and this is something I needed for years and finally I have the insurance to cover it. I want to know if any of you experience that and how did it go

[retrieverguy 411]

Tell him to shut the hell up and get in the supportive roll or you will leave him when your skinny

[Tobeornottobe 89]

That sucks that your spouse isn't supportive. I didn't have that problem. My S.O. was extremely supportive, went to every appointment with me and sat in the hospital with me although I told him to go home and the doctor would call him.

Maybe you can invite him to attend a seminar with you. It could be motivated by fear. Fear of the unknown is scary for most people.

[Proud2BMe 1,016]

Your situation is very common for married women who want weight loss surgery. It could be your husband is either very insecure and is paranoid that he loose you after you lose the weight. It could also be that he has a fetish for large women. Or he may simply be ignorant and may fear that you will die in surgery. I would recommend couples counseling. However, if you are truly dedicated to the surgery you may need to prepare yourself that you might have to divorce your husband if continues to try to sabotage you doing what is best for you life, health and happiness.

[GibbsGirl 483]

I spoke to a friends husband last week. He has many fears, the biggest is losing her to the surgery. He got tears in his eyes and said "We have three boys to raise and she is my everything." He of course was a complete ass when she first mentioned surgery saying "What then you can leave me" He's a huge dork, when we talked I started the conversation with "If she wanted to leave you, she wouldn't wait to lose weight, You would be the first 200lbs she lost!!" We have that kind of relationship. He ask me tons of questions but He and she have to set down and communicate. I'm single and it took a bit for a couple members of my family to get on board. My Son was the hardest part, he's 16 and he did great until about a week till the surgery and he was so afraid. I also have a bum heart, so I understand my situation was different. I saw an episode of my 600 lb life where a husband literally stopped through a drive through when he was taking his wife home from the hospital and made her hold his hamburger. I think you have to determine for yourself is he acting out in fear or selfishness. After I took my little sister to a support group she felt much better about the surgery, but maybe a counseling session would help get the communication started.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

My husband was not supportive of my decision to have surgery. He insisted that I didn't "need" it. But once I did it, he was great about it post-op. At that point it was done and there was no dissuading me, so he just had to kind of go along with it after that!

[Pillar2butterfly 391]

First, I am sorry you are dealing with this. It sucks to not have our spouse on board. I would first find out what are his concerns and start there. IMHO, telling him that's it just the way it is going to be, isn't really going to solve the heart of the issue. Ultimately, yes it is your decision, your body, but it would be so much easier with his support. Try to find out what his issues are specifically with it, and see if you can help ease his concern, take him with you to an appointment or support group meeting. Hope it all goes well for you...keep us posted.

[Kayakerak 5]

Mine was skeptical and worried but in the end it was the best thing that I've ever done for both of us.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Actually, I think most spouses of WLS patients are supportive. But maybe I'm just projecting from my own situation. When I brought up the subject of WLS, my husband said, "I'll do anything I can to support you. Just tell me how I can help." I wish you had a guy like that!

I'd suggest you and your husband consider:

1. Him attending an introductory lecture by a surgeon in your area (doesn't matter if you choose that particular surgeon for your own surgery or not). There's much good education at those events.

2. Have your husband attend your first surgeon consultation. Again, good education there.

3. Have your husband read this thread. I really enjoyed some of the previous posts on this thread.

Do you know why your husband is so opposed? Really know? Sometimes what someone says out of fear or other emotions isn't truly their deepest concerns. Sometimes their emotions mask even from them what the issues really are. This could even take a counselor / therapist to help you have that honest conversation.

I have also seen people who didn't even tell their spouses they were having surgery and simply "disappeared" for a while and then came home post-op. Tough way to go, but sometimes doing what you need to do to survive and thrive takes those kinds of balls.

Very best wishes to you!

[Amarie1621 2]

I'm having same problem my bf is not supportive he said he'd not come see me at hosp cuz it's not a n essary surgery it just somthing I want n keeps throwing things out there like when I'm skinny iam Goin leave him so idk if he's scared or just kidding igot no clue but I want to be healthy n look good n im need his help with the kids n his support idk what to do

[saffron280 22]

Sorry you are going through this. My husband has not been real supportive of me getting surgery, but he certainly did not try to sabotage me either. We talked numerous times about why I wanted surgery, and what his concerns were. I'm three days post op, and he had to go to Texas for work a few days before surgery. He had been burning up the phone lines checking on me, and now that surgery is done he couldn't be more supportive. His biggest concern was that he will lose the woman he married. I just had to reassure him that I have every intention of being the same person, just in a smaller body.

[Bluesky1 191]

Hi @christina-abdo. I too have a husband who is not supportive of my desicion to have surgery. We have/had horrible arguments about it. My husband is extremely natually fit, does not have the problem of obesity, and is very handsome. I have gained weight since we were married last year....he met me three years ago, and I'm 75 lbs heavier. To him it was new, to me...it was another time of gaining and losing weight. I have struggled for 25 years. He has insulted me, made jokes, gave me dirty looks for eating, and basically told me...I should just have self-control. He has even said he does not want a fat wife. It truly broke my heart. BUT, he does not agree with the surgery...he feels if I follow "his plan", I will lose the weight and keep it off.

My expereince for 25 years shows me, I may lose it...but I will alwys put back on more. That is Why I need surgery.

Once I finally got insurance and had this opportunity, I jumped on it. I started the journey 8 months ago, classs, tests, Drs appointments....and got approved last month. I wa ecstatic! I'm scheduled for surgery on Feb. 23rd. My husband was happy for me, because could see how happy I was, but he told me...he does not appove of my desicion.

I am still going forward. This descion is for me and my health. I don't want to spend any more time ashamed, embarrassed, tired, and obsessed with being heavy. There is too much life to be lived. I'm praying to God, and getting support here.

I hope you search your own heart, and educate yourself for what is best for your health and your life. This is definitely not an easy desicion.

God bless you

[gorainy@hotmail.com 1]

I am sorry that your husband is not supportive -- neither was mine. Not at ALL.. don't let that stop you. It's not HIm you are doing this for, it's YOU.

My husband was so disgusted with my having the surgery he didnt' want ANYTHING to do with it, I had to go through it all without him, and on my own.

I am all alone here, far from homoe.. have no family but him so I hired a "Medical Escort" to take me home from the Endoscopy, and then the Surgery waiting time, with instructions to call my aunt if anything happend, and finally to bring me to the train to ride home when I was released from the hospital.

So... if you are committed to doing this for YOU, without any support, on your own. go for it. Join your doctor's support group. Talk to people on this forum and ask for help.. don't let fear of disapproval keep you from your dream.

AND I AM NOT SORRY!! HA HA HA... now he compliments me and we never talk about those "bad days."

It's not easy, but you are worth it. BE STRONG, be your own best friend.

Edited January 22, 2016 by gorainy@hotmail.com

[Bluesky1 191]

@gorainyhotmailcom Wow! That's great that you were that committed. I had no idea you could hire a Medical Escort...that's good to know! Truthfully, I am right there now....I must have this surgery. Prayerfully my husband will get past all of his negative views about surgery, once he see's it working. Thanks for sharing! God bless!

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I went through this with my husband too in the beginning. He didn't understand how much pain I was in on a daily basis or how much torture I went through on a daily basis from my weight itself and from trying to diet and being so hungry all the time it hurt too bad to sleep. I sat down and poured my heart out into a letter and gave it to him. I even linked to a bunch of different YouTube videos for him to watch both from Bariatric surgeons and from people just like me who have had the surgery. It helped him wrap his mind around why I wanted to do such a thing. We still had bumpy Patches throughout the whole process including him refusing to read my post op care book to see what it was I needed him to do since he missed the class. Since surgery though, as he's seen me gain back use of my body that I had lost and to see me smile again and be happy and active, he's good now. He was afraid in the beginning that I could die and that this was just another in a long list of "lose weight schemes" like all the pills, the various diet companies-weight watchers, Jenny Craig, nutrisystem that we poured so much money into with no real results, and that I was putting my faith in a surgery because I was out of options. Now he knows better.