Husband not supportive

[Dub 9,922]

Hi I am female 31 years old with a BMI of 36 and I scheduled for my first consultation on the 19th. My story is that my husband doesn't want me to have the surgery and he is doing anything and everything he can to stop me from having , but I feel that it my decision and this is something I needed for years and finally I have the insurance to cover it. I want to know if any of you experience that and how did it go

You say you've needed it for years and now have the insurance support in place to proceed.

It would be nice to have his support and understanding....but you have to do what's best for you. It is your health you are concerned about. In my humble opinion this is the overriding factor.

You have to go with what is best for you. Hopefully at some point this will register with him.

A spouse that doesn't do everything in their power to ensure their family member's safety is seriously negligent. The good news for them is that they usually get a second chance to change with their next husband/wife and the next...........

I'm having same problem my bf is not supportive he said he'd not come see me at hosp cuz it's not a n essary surgery it just somthing I want n keeps throwing things out there like when I'm skinny iam Goin leave him so idk if he's scared or just kidding igot no clue but I want to be healthy n look good n im need his help with the kids n his support idk what to do

He's a warped bastard if that's the way he kids and jokes.

A lot of guys are stuck in a rut....and want their wives/girlfriends to share that rut. They fear being left in their low place alone.

[Nycatt 56]

Sorry to hear about your unsupportive husband. It sounds like he is insecure about himself and wants company. I thank God everyday for giving me a spouse/partner that supports decision I make, especially about my health. As mentioned try to find some counseling to help him understand what you are going through. Sometimes guys are idiots and only think of their own feelings. Good Luck and don't give up!!

Edited January 22, 2016 by Nycatt

[pickle25 11]

The only thing I can say is that my experience has been that people who haven't yet met their weightless goals or have a pre conceived idea that it's cheating or temporary seem to do anything to put you off.

This surgery is a tool. If you feel it is right for you, then do what you think is right.

Hope all is well and he comes round xx

[Ohsosleeved 13]

My husband isn't supportive either. He wants me to lose the weight but non surgically. He really tried to be supportive but he can't get behind it. He went to the seminar, to my first appointment with surgeon, he asked questions, watch YouTube channels I suggested, ect. He's still not with it. I appreciate his efforts. I think there are much deeper issues than just the excess skin he's afraid of me having. I know, I know. I've explained to him a million times that I will have surgery to fix everything that starts hanging but he's still not ok with my decision. I was so excited when I got the call that I was approved and when I got a surgery date. It really sucked to not be able to share that excitement with him. I didn't even tell him the date until I could no longer keep it a secret for childcare reasons. I no longer care and I'm going forth with the surgery scheduled for 2/2. I let him and other members of my family talk me out of having the surgery once before and I'll be damned if I let that happen again. I could have gotten my life back a long time ago had I had this attitude of "screw you, this is what I need to do for me" before. Do what you feel is right for your body. I was really upset at first and I still wish that he would get behind me on this but I don't let it bother me like it used to. Good luck!

[Bluesky1 191]

My husband isn't supportive either. He wants me to lose the weight but non surgically. He really tried to be supportive but he can't get behind it. He went to the seminar, to my first appointment with surgeon, he asked questions, watch YouTube channels I suggested, ect. He's still not with it. I appreciate his efforts. I think there are much deeper issues than just the excess skin he's afraid of me having. I know, I know. I've explained to him a million times that I will have surgery to fix everything that starts hanging but he's still not ok with my decision. I was so excited when I got the call that I was approved and when I got a surgery date. It really sucked to not be able to share that excitement with him. I didn't even tell him the date until I could no longer keep it a secret for childcare reasons. I no longer care and I'm going forth with the surgery scheduled for 2/2. I let him and other members of my family talk me out of having the surgery once before and I'll be damned if I let that happen again. I could have gotten my life back a long time ago had I had this attitude of "screw you, this is what I need to do for me" before. Do what you feel is right for your body. I was really upset at first and I still wish that he would get behind me on this but I don't let it bother me like it used to. Good luck!

[Bluesky1 191]

It's hard when you don't have the person/person's closest to you behind you. I undertand your resolve though. At some point we have to recognize the need to go forward, and not be swayed by other's opinions. Praying for a great surgery. Keep us posted.

God bless

Edited January 25, 2016 by Bluesky1

[dlee105 6]

I had a very similar problem. In 2013, I attended an info session, had a consultation with my surgeon, found out I had moderate sleep apnea, had a preop upper GI, and a cardiac consult.... He went with me and when I asked at the info session if anyone had any regrets, to which everyone said, "Yes, I regret not doing it sooner." he accused me of being fake and trying to convince myself that I needed it. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. One of my first memories was when I was 7 and weighed 97 lbs. I remember a classmate overhearing and telling other classmates and how terrible I felt for something I didn't even realize was such a problem. I grew up in the eighties when there was only one or two fat kids in a class. I was always the fat kid, the chubby girl, the big boned girl, the pleasantly plump girl, and the "it's such a shame because you have such a pretty face" girl. My husband argued that I didn't have a weight problem and I was trying to create one in order to have the surgery. I was forbidden from having the surgery. He felt it was digusting and an easy way out and said I would have ugly scars and hanging skin and completely put everything and anything about the surgery down. I let him control me as I was severely depressed and brainwashed for the last 7 years. He finally moved out earlier this month and I already started my journey. I am hoping to have surgery by early April. I need to do this for me and my health and self esteem and my daughters that I want o watch grow and have their own families someday. I hope your husband sees the light and if not, that's his problem. You have got to do what's best for you and only you can make that decision.

[christina Abdo 1]

I had a very similar problem. In 2013, I attended an info session, had a consultation with my surgeon, found out I had moderate sleep apnea, had a preop upper GI, and a cardiac consult.... He went with me and when I asked at the info session if anyone had any regrets, to which everyone said, "Yes, I regret not doing it sooner." he accused me of being fake and trying to convince myself that I needed it. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. One of my first memories was when I was 7 and weighed 97 lbs. I remember a classmate overhearing and telling other classmates and how terrible I felt for something I didn't even realize was such a problem. I grew up in the eighties when there was only one or two fat kids in a class. I was always the fat kid, the chubby girl, the big boned girl, the pleasantly plump girl, and the "it's such a shame because you have such a pretty face" girl. My husband argued that I didn't have a weight problem and I was trying to create one in order to have the surgery. I was forbidden from having the surgery. He felt it was digusting and an easy way out and said I would have ugly scars and hanging skin and completely put everything and anything about the surgery down. I let him control me as I was severely depressed and brainwashed for the last 7 years. He finally moved out earlier this month and I already started my journey. I am hoping to have surgery by early April. I need to do this for me and my health and self esteem and my daughters that I want o watch grow and have their own families someday. I hope your husband sees the light and if not, that's his problem. You have got to do what's best for you and only you can make that decision.

Thank you so much for replying I am the same like you always the fat girl and I am tired of feeling that way about my self, I had a talk with my husband and she said I you want my support you have it but I don't agree of the surgery, which is okay with me.

I have a sleep study schedule next week too, do you have and tips for me.

[dlee105 6]

I had a very similar problem. In 2013, I attended an info session, had a consultation with my surgeon, found out I had moderate sleep apnea, had a preop upper GI, and a cardiac consult.... He went with me and when I asked at the info session if anyone had any regrets, to which everyone said, "Yes, I regret not doing it sooner." he accused me of being fake and trying to convince myself that I needed it. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. One of my first memories was when I was 7 and weighed 97 lbs. I remember a classmate overhearing and telling other classmates and how terrible I felt for something I didn't even realize was such a problem. I grew up in the eighties when there was only one or two fat kids in a class. I was always the fat kid, the chubby girl, the big boned girl, the pleasantly plump girl, and the "it's such a shame because you have such a pretty face" girl. My husband argued that I didn't have a weight problem and I was trying to create one in order to have the surgery. I was forbidden from having the surgery. He felt it was digusting and an easy way out and said I would have ugly scars and hanging skin and completely put everything and anything about the surgery down. I let him control me as I was severely depressed and brainwashed for the last 7 years. He finally moved out earlier this month and I already started my journey. I am hoping to have surgery by early April. I need to do this for me and my health and self esteem and my daughters that I want o watch grow and have their own families someday. I hope your husband sees the light and if not, that's his problem. You have got to do what's best for you and only you can make that decision.

Thank you so much for replying I am the same like you always the fat girl and I am tired of feeling that way about my self, I had a talk with my husband and she said I you want my support you have it but I don't agree of the surgery, which is okay with me.

I have a sleep study schedule next week too, do you have and tips for me.

I did the sleep study at home, actually. They gave me a little box and I attached a couple electrodes to my stomach and pretty sure I had to wear nasal prongs in my nose. That was enough to diagnose me with moderate sleep apnea and it was back in 2013. If you are having your study overnight at a facility, it is quite different and I do not have direct experience with it. What I do know of the sleep study done overnight at the clinic is they basically have you sleep in a room with electrodes attached to your head and watch and monitor you while you sleep. It's pretty benign and the hardest part is just trying to fall asleep in a weird environment attached to equipment from what I understand about it.

I am hoping to have my surgery in early April. I am working on all the pre-op clearances and tests now. When were you looking to have yours? I had my lab work done and learned I am high risk for diabetes II and I am Vitamin D deficient. Apparently the more fat you have, the more Vit D you need and it's quite common in the overweight population to have Vit D deficiency and not even know it!

[bellabloom 2,467]

Mine was totally dead set against it. He said he would leave me if I did it.

Guess what I did? I left him. In addition he was highly abusive to me about my weight.

Now I'm skinny, and he pines for me. Too bad.

[crystalalong 0]

Some of these responses have made me laugh and some touched my heart so much I had tears in my eyes. I am very lucky I have had someone right by my side from day one. This thread has just reminded me I need to thank him for being that person I needed on this journey. For those that don't have support I think you are in the right place. There is a lot of good information and support here.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

When I decided to have this life saving/changing surgery and started making my appointments, my "then" un-supportive husband didn't want to HEAR about it. We didn't "talk" about it, we didn't have "discussions" so he could better understand. I really think it irked him that I had put into place the means to get the surgery I had been wanting for decades, but couldn't....without his help or input. I made the decision on my own. I think he was still against it when he drove me to the hospital the day of my surgery last year. But once I was out of recovery....he has been my biggest advocate. I'm sure glad I stuck to my guns!

[smithcc1 7]

My husband was a negative Nellie at first too. He eventually admitted that he was going to be jealous of my weightloss. I told him to stop it and that this wasn't about him, it was about me getting healthy. He would tell me about the people he knows that had it done and told me he was afraid I was going to eat right through it. Well there's a vote of confidence! Sheesh! Then he said it is horribly painful and I was going to be really hurting. I never had any pain beyond the first few days.

I finally just told him to knock it off with the doom and gloom. It wasn't nice and it wasn't fair to say those things to me. He didn't have to like my decision but he did have to respect it. I didn't even get to feel excited about getting it done. He stole that from me! Grrrr.

I asked the psychologist about this very thing with unsupportive husbands during my second session. I was curious of effects on marriages after WLS. People always judge folks that had wls and say once so and so got skinny he or she went crazy and left his or her spouse. She said the truth of the matter is if the marriages dissolve that it was a long time coming and after having wls and losing weight it helps people regain their confidence and decreases their insecurities. They may not be willing to tolerate what they once did. If they separate, they should have before the surgery anyway. Many times the spouse can't handle the newfound confidence. Some guys just want to keep their women chubby.

I know that was kind of off topic, but don't let him make you second guess yourself. It's not about him, it's about you putting yourself first! Stand up for yourself! Take care of your health so you can live a long, healthy active life! I am just 3 weeks post op and my husband is very supportive now. He says he was just afraid of the whole thing.

Edited February 6, 2016 by smithcc1