No support - how do you do it?

[New day ahead 40]

I started this process back in August 2015. I did not tell my family at first. I eventually told my daughter because I would need someone to drive me home from the hospital. In late October I finally told my husband. He is not supportive at all. He is the cook in the house and continues to make Pasta and carbs. He brings donuts home "for the kids" but says to me " here have a donut". I have to go to the store and purchase my own healthy food. I give him healthy recipes and he complains about them. I thought some of them were really. Good. I started going to the gym and zumba back in August. I have asked him to start going to the gym with me so we can do something other than sitting on the sofa. I keep asking and today it just hit me. He likes me being fat. It makes him feel safe. I told him I want to live life and not sit on the couch. I am 50 years old and I want to live outside the box. I want to do things and be active, go for walks and do 5k etc. He said all he is looking forward to is retiring, that's it. He is 54 so he won't be retiring anytime soon. I am just so upset, frustrated etc. When he said my sleep apnea is a conspiracy from the government to make money I thought to myself he just doesn't get it and probably never will. He doesn't acknowledge my diabetes and just seems to blow off all my effort to be healthy and change my life. We have been married for 32 years. I am wondering if our marriage will survive the survery. My husband and daughter are the only two people who know I am having this done.

Will I be successful without support in my house? My surgery is scheduled 2/8.

Sorry this was so long.

[erp 2,016]

My husband was against surgery too but I didn't hide anything from him. He is now supportive but he is a feeder. He is always plying me with food. There is a difference between unsupportive, uneducated, and unwilling. I think I would act like your husband because you did this behind his back. I would be resentful. You owe him a serious apology. If he forgives you, then you need to begin to educate him and let him know that some foods will no longer be in the house. I imagine it only takes finding the donuts in the trash a couple of times before he stops buying them. Similarly I would try to make him feel like part of the process. Choose two sleeve friendly dinners (e.g. chili or ricotta bake) as him which one he wants for dinner. Include him and he may come around.

[sleevenv 483]

You probably kept it from him because you knew he'd be against it. There are many spouses who like their other half fat! It's insecurity on their part. All my friends who had WLS ended up divorced. And almost every one of them made the spouse feel threatened (some even cheated because their husbands weren't motivated).

That being said, it doesn't mean you're doomed. You have to communicate and constantly reassure him that you love him regardless. You may have to eat differently and not sit on the couch as much as he does, but don't treat him disrespectfully. Who knows, maybe you'll inspire him.

[Primha 20]

Very simple, actually - I just do it.

My surgery will be scheduled in few days, and I chose not to tell anyone because I don't want to deal with all unsolicited nonsense that I know would come. I get enough of it already, right and left just because I went on low carb diet at request of my NUT.

My husband knows because he'll have to transport me, but he is neutral at best. No family or friends support because there will be no support. And it doesn't matter to me, because I was given a chance to leave behind a life of obesity, illness and despair. To get my freedom back, to get my life back. It's like a miracle for me, to be given a chance, and I am NOT going to blow this chance, support or no support. I want it THAT bad.

For me, it's like crawling in the desert for years, and almost loosing hope, and finally seeing on horizon this oasis with Water and life, and hope to survive... and suddenly somebody appeas and tells you "naw, I don't think you need it, crawl back to where you came from".

What would you tell them? My answer would not pass censorship on this forum

Edited January 2, 2016 by Primha

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@New day ahead, certainly having support at home helps, but it's the person who has the surgery who has ultimate responsibility for her own well-being. People who live on their own make it. What you want from your husband at the very least is for him not to impede your choices. I'd guess that your daughter is adult enough to be supportive; I hope you see her as more than a chauffeur.

What's missing from your note is whether you've talked with your husband about the why's of your decision to have surgery. He may or may not be one of the many spouses who is insecure enough to fear losing you as you lose weight and discover that more opportunities in the world open to you. Does he understand how hideous a disease diabetes is? If you use one of those apnea machines to sleep, does he know that the bedroom will look nicer without it? And on and on. Most of all, have you told him in so many words that you need him? He's not the only one at your marital dance.

Worst-case scenario: You shop and cook for yourself....You rely on BP for support.....You attend your surgery practice's support group meetings and meetings at other hospitals in the area (both good to do anyway, as your husband can't possibly know the experience of all that surrounds surgery); most surgery practices welcome outsiders to their support meetings....Your marriage is damaged, at which time you take the path that is most likely to achieve what you ultimately want.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

Edited January 3, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Babbs 14,681]

You can't count on everyone else to do this for you. It's up to you and your alone. While support from your spouse would be nice, and actually may come later, use other forms of support if need be (this site, surgery support group, Facebook support group).

I go to the gym on my own, cook my own meals, and everyone else in my life eat whatever they want in front of me. I don't expect my friends and family's lives to stop just because I had WLS. I go out to dinner, go to parties and events and just do my own thing while everyone else does theirs.

I made this decision for me, and if they choose not to go along for the ride, so what. You need to get in the same mindset. It's YOUR turn to take care of YOU.

[New day ahead 40]

I had talked with my husband many times Pryor to me deciding to do this. I had considered it for several years. I asked him to come with me the nutritionist and he refused. He thinks it is all a scam. I educate him and he laughs. I have had many conversations with him about how this is because of all the comorbidities not about being a certain size. As for My daughter she does not even live in the same city. She has even had conversation with him about how he should go to appointments with me since he doesn't listen to me.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

...He is not supportive at all. He is the cook in the house and continues to make Pasta and carbs. He brings donuts home "for the kids" but says to me " here have a donut". I have to go to the store and purchase my own healthy food. I give him healthy recipes and he complains about them. I thought some of them were really. Good. I started going to the gym and zumba back in August. I have asked him to start going to the gym with me so we can do something other than sitting on the sofa. I keep asking and today it just hit me. He likes me being fat. It makes him feel safe. I told him I want to live life and not sit on the couch... I am just so upset, frustrated etc. When he said my sleep apnea is a conspiracy from the government to make money I thought to myself he just doesn't get it and probably never will.

It sounds as though he is resistant to change. You having surgery will mean changes in your life and he doesn't like it, either because he plain doesn't like change, or he doesn't like that you took the initiative and made a decision that will change his life as well as yours. And the notion that sleep apnea is a government conspiracy is just way, way out there.

You need to do what is right for your life and your health, whether he likes it or not. And I do not agree that you owe him an apology. Given his reaction, I can understand why you didn't want to put up with this kind of attempted sabotage for the past four months.

When two people in a relationship have unhealthy habits in common, once one of them decides to change, it unbalances the relationship. Your husband will either get on board (with time) or he won't. I'm guessing that he overall isn't the supportive type - which is a shame for both of you.

Edited January 2, 2016 by 2goldengirl

[animallover1247 249]

If he is not supportive of you now and you haven't even had surgery yet, unless he is willing to be educated and wants the best for you, I believe your problems will only continue and will likely worsen after surgery as you start to lose weight.How is he going to react when others start telling him how good you look? I would ask him if he's willing to go for counseling.

In the seminar, my surgeon said he once had a woman who blamed him for her divorce after WLS (which is absurd). He said if you have a strong marriage before surgery, it will only get stronger. If you have a bad marriage before the surgery, it will only get worse. Also, in my research I've read the divorce rate among weight loss surgery patients is higher than the national average.

Additionally, I've seen that show "My 600 lb life on TLC a few times. The surgeon identifies the enablers (caretakers or family members who cook the wrong foods and bring fast food in) as a major barrier in the patients being successful.

If things don't change with your husband, I think this will be challenging to say the least.

Edited January 2, 2016 by animallover1247

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I had talked with my husband many times Pryor to me deciding to do this. I had considered it for several years. I asked him to come with me the nutritionist and he refused. He thinks it is all a scam. I educate him and he laughs. I have had many conversations with him about how this is because of all the comorbidities not about being a certain size. As for My daughter she does not even live in the same city. She has even had conversation with him about how he should go to appointments with me since he doesn't listen to me.

In that case, if you're committed to surgery, you'll have to take care of yourself and build a support network outside the house. I addressed that before. Do what is right, healthy and sane for you.

[blondebomb 580]

I was sleeved 1 1/2 yr ago..I only told 3 ppl..fortunately my hubs is my support at home. This is the hardest thing I ever went thru. The physical wasn't hard it was the emotional and mental. It plays with you. No matter how committed we are hormones are strong . Keep trying to get him on bored. Yes ultimately it's us individual. We would have to be perfect in mind or a robot that is programmed not to give in and not succumb to our impulse or what have ya. Can you get him to go to an appointment with you? Heart to heart talk? I have couple friends who live a lifestyle of whatever and live to eat. He keeps feeding her despite her diabetes and other health issues I'm talking 400 pds. He doesn't want her changing and she can't see that he's controlling her or see his insecurities. I don't get spouses like these. Sorry venting some here! If ultimately he doesn't come around now it's hard telling what will happen. Have a local support group. You will need it! I'm sorry your dealing with this. Don't worry about the what ifs. Do this for you. It might be the hardest thing Iv done but it's the best thing for me. I'm down 120 I'm a lot more active my confidence is way better then ever I'm 52 and life is good! (except the x I fall off and find my way back..it does and will happen)! Best wishes dear

[New day ahead 40]

I put a reminder in my phone and when it alarmed today I read it to myself and got up and went to the gym. Yay!