Back in the Game Again

[bellabloom 2,467]

Umm, true confession, while I told myself I was looking for love at the beginning of the year (after some very significant weight loss) I think I was really just looking for fun. I found it. Every first date ended up with great sex. I didn't really calm down and finish sowing all the wild oats until August. You may be resisting because you want the affirmation. I think that's what I wanted (at least for a season). Not trying to knock you off stride and I am certainly not one to judge, but be open to that idea.

Hmm. It's worth a thought. A year ago this was certainly the case. I wanted the attention and compliments.

But it's been a year and while its still nice to get compliments and attention, I get plenty of that and I don't have to look for it. Not to toot my own horn too loudly but I get checked out a lot just in daily life. So I don't really need a date for that. And I don't do casual sex so it's not about sex at all.

But sometimes I do wonder, what is it that I want? Do I really want a relationship? To be in love? To settle down?

Today I had a lunch date and he started talking about being ready to settle down and I'm thinking ugh. No thanks to that.

It has been so long since I've been in love with someone quality that I can't even remember how it felt. I know I wanted to grow old with him.

Let's just hope I get lucky and another love like that finds me, so I can ask myself- what do I want? And actually have an opportunity to get it.

Edited December 24, 2015 by bellabloom

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I sorta feel like there are phases some of us go through and you see them differently in hindsight. There is the initial- it feels good to be validated as attractive and desirable. I personally am way past that. I did inadvertently date someone who is seeking that same thing from women so I got a taste of the other aide of that one..

Then there is the " I want someone fun to do things with, travel with because I don't want to do it all alone." I spent a long time in that state, and had some fun dating and actual relationships. A theme emerged however of picking guys who were fun, attentive and had shared interests but often had significant other issues. My looks and bubbly personality made it easy to attract them, but nothing "real" actually came out of it. If I had that phase to start over again I would follow everyone's advice and not narrow it to one man so quickly. Actually date, get to know each other for MONTHS before becoming exclusive. Date others too so judgment remains a bit more level headed as opposed to getting sucked into someone's vortex.

I now actually want someone in my life. I am very picky though and am going to learn from my experiences. For example, I am much more likely to try a few dates with someone even if I am not wowed by him because my investment is low and I am not going to zero in on ANYBODY quickly.

I am in a transition right now so not actively searching but interestingly, dates are coming from unexpected places (example someone I met 18 months ago at a meetup function but rejected-he is turning out to be interesting and cool.)

I don't intend to actively search until spring but I am good with continuing to enjoy good company, doing fun things (everything from target shooting to snowshoeing to dancing).

[bellabloom 2,467]

Cowgirl Jane I think we have some things in common.

I am also being VERY selective at this point.

I went on a lunch date yesterday with a guy who was nice enough but another with a long list of sob stories. Why does it seem like there are so many people out there with tales of woe? Is life really that hard?

No job.... Recent divorce... Moved AWAY from his young kids... Fancy car ( does not impress at all) and no back teeth.

No thanks. And he faked a call during our lunch with a "job offer". Whatever.

Sigh.

It's still fun. I'm looking forward to rejecting some more!!! Haha. Or visa versa. I get rejected too.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I have become INCREDIBLY picky. It's not even funny how many men I've said no to lately. I just see all the red flags- or there isn't enough spark or attraction ... Even the inkling of something wrong makes me bail.

Just waiting for love to hit like a lightning bolt I guess. And not settling for anyone less than awesome.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Still on a NO streak.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

While I think it is wise to be picky, I question waiting for the lightening bolt. I was so charmed by the lying married ass experience, it really struck me that manipulative people know how to trigger that chemistry...but it isn't real! I am instead shifting gears in my thinking, if a guy is nice, treats me awesome, has an acceptable level of fitness, and we seem somewhat compatible, I will give it more time even if I don't feel that incredible chemistry and draw to him. Maybe genuine feelings will come, but not rejecting just because he isn't somehow charming (damn sociopaths). It fits in with waiting a long time before focusing on one man. The lying charmers are long gone, off to find easier marks, while the nice guys who are genuinely interested in building a relationship dont need to bomb you with attention etc. None of this is a veiled reference to sex, I genuinely mean not letting those "types" get you in their clutches...really get to know a person, his values, his goals in life before focusing on him, before spending lots of time with him.

[gowalking 10,790]

While I think it is wise to be picky, I question waiting for the lightening bolt. I was so charmed by the lying married ass experience, it really struck me that manipulative people know how to trigger that chemistry...but it isn't real! I am instead shifting gears in my thinking, if a guy is nice, treats me awesome, has an acceptable level of fitness, and we seem somewhat compatible, I will give it more time even if I don't feel that incredible chemistry and draw to him. Maybe genuine feelings will come, but not rejecting just because he isn't somehow charming (damn sociopaths). It fits in with waiting a long time before focusing on one man. The lying charmers are long gone, off to find easier marks, while the nice guys who are genuinely interested in building a relationship dont need to bomb you with attention etc. None of this is a veiled reference to sex, I genuinely mean not letting those "types" get you in their clutches...really get to know a person, his values, his goals in life before focusing on him, before spending lots of time with him.

What she said.

Like ten times over in fact. That's what I did this time around and no..no lightening bolts but a sweet, normal, lovely man who makes me feel wanted and desired and is someone I can count on.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I met a guy that has all those sweet characteristics but .... I don't know. Nothing there physically. He's short but that's not a deal breaker for me....

He's not funny. He's too nice? He's not complex.... More specifically he's been married twice and walked from the kids both times. Is that a valid red flag? He's so nice and polite!

Gosh I just don't know! I need that animal magnetism combined with a good person. I want both.

I want my bolts of lightening and that rainbow after the storm.

I want my cake and to eat it too!!

So NO. still saying no.

Edited January 15, 2016 by bellabloom

[bellabloom 2,467]

While I think it is wise to be picky, I question waiting for the lightening bolt. I was so charmed by the lying married ass experience, it really struck me that manipulative people know how to trigger that chemistry...but it isn't real! I am instead shifting gears in my thinking, if a guy is nice, treats me awesome, has an acceptable level of fitness, and we seem somewhat compatible, I will give it more time even if I don't feel that incredible chemistry and draw to him. Maybe genuine feelings will come, but not rejecting just because he isn't somehow charming (damn sociopaths). It fits in with waiting a long time before focusing on one man. The lying charmers are long gone, off to find easier marks, while the nice guys who are genuinely interested in building a relationship dont need to bomb you with attention etc. None of this is a veiled reference to sex, I genuinely mean not letting those "types" get you in their clutches...really get to know a person, his values, his goals in life before focusing on him, before spending lots of time with him.

This is very true. And I'm open to it. But I identify red flags so quickly I haven't even found someone I want to get to know on any level!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I understand that. I met someone who seems very stable, good, living a life with purpose and without substance abuse....but I am not feeling it either. I will give it more time, but it would help if he were not a rabid trump supporter.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Hahahahahah!!! My guy was too!! Ugh ugh blecgggg

[gowalking 10,790]

Yeah..don't get me wrong..there has to be chemistry..it just doesn't have to be lightening bolts. I've had my socks knocked off a couple of times but those relationships burn themselves out quickly. My current beau is more of a slow simmer type of chemistry. He doesn't take my breath away but I enjoy his company very much and we do well in the intimacy department...not Earth shattering, but good and I'm OK with that. At my age, I'm not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with...I'm looking for someone to share my life with for however long it works.

[Heather I 500]

There's a lot of frogs (and frog-ettes) that need to be kissed before the right one comes along.

For a while, I felt like I dated everyone in the tricounty area. It is a little discouraging, but it really does all fall into place at the right time.

Keep up the good fight dating and getting out of the house. If nothing else, when you DO find Mr. Right, you won't feel like you missed out on dating!

P.s. for me, not being involved in kids' after two marriages IS a huge red flag. My husband was a widower when we met, and he continued to support and care for his moody, grieving stepson after his wife passed. I thought that was a huge sign of his character and loved that about him.

Exciting? Not necessarily; but honorable and committed? Yes. THAT excited me:-) There are good men out there, but they aren't flashy.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Not being involved with step kids after an ended marriage is bad enough but understandable if the ex won't allow it. But not being involved with your own kids?? NOT OKAY. Not. Not okay. One thing about my ex husband (my children's father) is that he is a wonderful father. He would probably plot my murder if I tried to take our children away. He would never let them go. And that is why I loved him and had children with him. It's too bad he couldn't be as good to me as he is to them.

I can't respect a man who doesn't fight tooth and nail to stay in his kids lives.

[LATINGODDESS 31]

I totally agree with Dub. Take some me time to get yourself together. We always want to have someone by our side, but we Latinos have a saying "mejor sola que mal acompañada". Translation "better to be alone than in bad company". I spend years going from one bad relationship to another. I finally said enough is enough. I'm worth a lot more than what I'm getting. I took time for just my son and I. 2 years later, not looking, I was sent the perfect man for me. Five years later and he is now my Fiancé and my biggest cheerleader. My advice, take time for you, your knight will come