Body Image issues, Mental Health, Post Honeymoon Phase...Life

[Anghelys Garcia 32]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Angie and I'm almost two years post op. I managed to lose over 170 pounds and have been maintained a steady weight since September. My surgery has definitely changed my life for the better; not only physically, but mentally as well. Before my surgery I was severely depressed, I've struggled with mental illness and body image issues since I was a kid. After the first few months to about a year I felt true happiness, almost like a high. I got taken off of my anti-depressants and had no depressive symptoms for almost a year.

Unfortunately highs don't last forever. Despite my successful weight loss things have been going down hill, I no longer feel that happiness and satisfaction that i did when I first had the surgery. On top of that I've been feeling depressed and am starting to loathe my appearance. A lot things have gradually changed that have caused me to feel this way.

To begin with, I quit my steady job. Holding a job was always hard for me when I was heavy; a few months after surgery I went through two jobs. The first one closed went out of business. Two weeks later losing that job I found another one, it was steady and stable for some time and I was actually happy at one point. But that steady job was beginning to make me unhappy after a while. What changed was that my old bosses were promoted and we were under new management. Long story short, the job went from a positive environment to a negative one. I went from feeling happy to go to work, to dreading it. So I left, and I don't regret leaving.

But after leaving back in August many things just went down hill. I had two failed jobs between September and November. I started my senior year of college.....online. This is an issue because I am normally an onsite student. Despite the commute to school, I enjoy the classroom interaction and meeting new people in my classes. Also, having the face to face guidance of a professor works better for me. So I'm now an online student, and I loathe it; my grades are still good, but I'm unmotivated and am always home.

So I have yet to find a steady job, and I'm attending school online, I'M ALWAYS HOME. On top of that I'm always alone...... I try getting out of the house, going to Zumba, going to the library or coffee shops to do school work....but the loneliness kills me. On top of that, not having any outside obligations gives me less of a reason to fix myself up. I went from wearing decent clothes and makeup every day to being dressed down or in pajamas most of the time. I feel so unattractive, and it makes my already existing self-esteem problems worse.

I've been struggling with my body, it looks like a deflated balloon. I have so much loose skin, and I now have to stuff my bra. I lost all of my curves, and feel as though I don't look feminine at times. I can look amazing in clothes, but naked is another story. Overall, I can say that the honeymoon phase of my surgery is over. I no longer have the satisfaction of losing the weight because there's no more weight to lose. I no longer feel high on life, despite the negatives. I'm left unhappy, and In a way back to square one. I'm left to face reality without having the option to eat my emotions away as I once did.

I guess the only difference from my depression pre-op is that I'd give up. My depression post-op still sucks, but I'm still fighting. I'd fight before, but I'm fighting harder than ever now. I don't allow myself to stay in bed all day, or eat my emotions away (despite a few instances), or allow my grades to drop. I'm trying to adjust, I'm trying to accept my new body, and accept that in order for there to be highs there must be lows. I'm falling but I'm getting up. I must accept that surgery wasn't a cure to my depression, but a tool to keep my health on check. I must learn to be an adult, and face life.

[HeatherB911 6]

I can imagine the highs and lows you are struggling with but just remember, life is simply what you make it. I know that sometimes medications are needed to adjust your perspective but just thinking positively goes a long way! I know so many people that would be so much better off if they would focus on the things they are happy or proud of and just take one day at a time, not focusing on the negative. You have a LOT to be thankful for!!!

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

Congratulations on your weight loss and maintaining! I'm sending you a virtual hug. I too struggle with depression and it is a constant battle. I definitely get a "high" from my job. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and I thrive on a routine.

Just remember, this too shall pass. Here is one of my favorite quotes from Victor Hugo: "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise."

[Cervidae 2,389]

I can relate to this SO much. Hang in there.

[rking 484]

As a woman who has been on antidepressants for 25 years, and has a minor in Psychology, and am also certified to teach it, I feel really knowledgeable about the subject. I do see a psychiatrist now for my antidepressants. I used to get them from my general doctor. I love my shrink. He knows I love physiology and I love the brain and it's chemistry. I highly suggest you get back on your meds. Do some reading up on chemicals in the brain and how meds work. It seems as though your depression did not only come from being overweight. It is time to get back on them, in my opinion. See how that works for you. I can certainly understand the high you got from losing all the weight. I feel as if I am on one and I am only a month out.

How about looking for a support group in your area? It would be good for you socially. It will get you out of the house once more a month. Meet friends from here that live nearby or from a support group and go walking or exercising. Stay on this site for support.

Hang in there!!!! I know it will get better, just find what will make it better and stick to it!!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You have done sooo well!!!

My situation isn't the same, but I can draw some parellels...

I am a very social person, but I work from home... way out in the country. I could go days without seeing anyone besides my sons and animals! MOST days I intentionally shower, do my hair, dress decent and fine a reason to leave the house. This could be for a workout (ok, maybe no makeup!), a happy hour with the girls, a date, shopping, go into the office to work - something!

Since you are doing an online classes and without a job maybe aren't in a position to join a gym or go shopping I suggest finding a volunteer opportunity (resume building!?!), find walking partners and set up a daily appointment to go walk, join a meetup group or something to get you out there talking to people.

I lost over 150# and hit goal Feb 2013; just shy of 3 years ago. The headspace about how I look, my attractiveness etc has really changed. I understand the excess skin issue - I had it and I had skin removal surgery. That was such a boost and for me very worth it.... but you know what I have figured out over the last year - it doesn't actually matter that much. My friends are still my friends. I could get dates before skin removal, I get dates now, but still no "Mr Right". I guess what I am saying is that the inner changes that have happened in the last year are just as important (if not more) than the outer changes brought on by plastics etc.

I know this is hard. I think you should also consider going back on the drugs that helped you before.

Truth of the matter is that WLS, losing massive weight fixes alot of things, but it doesn't fix everything and I will go out on a limb and say it makes some things harder. No longer having food as an emotional outlet leaves a big gap for some. For me, it seems my actual fatsuit, the state of obesity provided me with some benefits that I did not really understand until it was gone....

Keep coming here for support and I really find that getting outside my own head (ie taking on things in the world that aren't about ME) is really healthy.

[sleevedinseptember 69]

Just wanted to say your post really touched me. It sounds like you are really doing the best you can given the emotional and mental struggles you're enduring. Along with everyone else's suggestions, I wanted to add the suggestion to try to come up with small and meaningful ways to show yourself kindness. It can be as simple as painting your nails or getting s book you really want to read from the library. Or treating yourself to a cup of tea out or walking in your favorite part of town. It's important that you assert your value and self worth to yourself at this time when you're feeling unattractive and you've been knocked down by the job situation.

Sending you virtual hugs! Congratulations on the wonderful success you have had so far with WLS. Now to develop others goals and joys outside of that regardless of how you feel your body looks.

[Anghelys Garcia 32]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for you kind words, advice, and helping me feel like I'm not alone. Looking back now, that first post was so much more negative than for what I intended it to be, and I left out so many details. I suppose I was feeling so overwhelmed with all of these emotions. I'd like to start by saying that in terms of the mental health situation, I see a psychologist/counselor. She's specialized in the bariatric department so it comes in very handy. Her suggestion for now is to leave the meds for last resort. I agree with her, I was on meds from ages 14-21, and would rather try and face life without them. Now in the case that I fall into a crisis, is another story.

For the most part I try and keep myself busy, I try and attend classes at my gym, and I go to the library or cafe or Barnes and Noble for school work. I actually try and meet once a week with some of my classmates to work on side projects that could possibly benefit our careers. I also cook a lot, I'm always working on some kind of healthy dish. I also have a boyfriend of almost 6 years, but right now he's working so much that I don't see or speak to him as much, but I know he's there. It get's hard some days because he's my best friend and my most strongest companion. I try going out on the weekends when plans are available. I have one best friend, and she's far away at her college doing her thing. I have maybe less than a handful of close friends, but school and work consumes them.

I am very social, but I never have a steady group of friends. I feel as though I outgrew a lot of my old friends. When it comes to new friends, I keep them at bay because have a hard time connecting with people. Sometimes I feel as those i choose to be lonely. I've come across a group of great girls. But they are so unmotivated and depressed, I'm trying to stay away from that. They're still amazing when their spirits are high, so I try and help them. But it gets hard some days. I'd rather surround myself by those who are high spirited and motivated. It pushes me.

As for the job situation, I'm job hunting like all hell. I could walk into a retail store and get a job, but retail makes me anxious. It's unstable, and I don't like the crazy scheduling (why I left my steady job). I'm looking for something that wont interfere with my schooling, so part time with a steady schedule works best.

Also, I'm scheduled to be evaluated by plastic surgeons next month. I'll go more in depth with that in another post.

All in all, yes I am experiencing symptoms of depression, when I start to feel alone I feel a lot worse than what I really am. I went from being extremely productive, with a steady routine, to a lot less productive. I guess I just have too much time to think. Thank you all who took the time out to respond and connect, it helped a lot.