Feeling Guilty About Not Telling My Obese Friends

[sleevedup 46]

So I have decided to keep this my sleeve a secret. I just do not want to be talked about, identified as, be made the poster girl for, have people I don't even know-know my business through the grapevine of gossip, or finally think I cheated and "did it the easy way." I don't want to be open about getting the sleeve, I feel strongly about this and do not want to be the subject of talk.

However, I feel bad now. I was talking to one of my good friends I've known for years who has been struggling with her weight for so so long. She would really benefit from wls and I am feeling like a bad friend for not coming clean and telling her that I am about to have the procedure in just 5 days (so excited about that!). God willing, this surgery works and it kills me not to be able to say to tell her. But the reality is, she can't keep a secret really, and I don't want my life to be spread around like that.

I did talk to her about gastric sleeve, saying a colleague of mine had it done and how happy she is with her results. Through the use of this make-believe colleague of mine, I was able to talk to her quite openly about the benefits and the ignorance that surrounding wls. She seemed moved but ended with "well, if you do any research on it, you'll have to let me know." I wanted to say, "hell, I am not just doing research, I am about to get sleeved myself in 5 days," but I did not feel comfortable doing that and I've learned the hard way that my first loyalties lie to myself. Instead I said, "it's really a personal choice, no one person can do the research for you..it's ultimately up to you." That's about as much honesty that as I could muster.

But I feel bad about it. I know telling her would light a spark under her arse and could potential get her on the path back to sanity. She still kinda stuck on having a "natural wholistic approach," and even though I have discussed the biological, physiological, and hormonal changes the disease of obesity causes (not to mention the incredibly low success rates for keeping the weight off), she still sold on the story of "get yourself on a treadmill and eat less, fat butt" type mentality. Apart of me feels obligated to tell her specifically, she is my only truly overweight friend and we are really on the same boat. But another part of me feels, "hell, this is public information, she can come to it on her own, I did...why should I have to compromise my level of confidence?" Clearly, I am feeling like a bad friend.

Honestly everyone, am I being a selfish and bad friend? Open to hear your real thoughts.

[KarenLoh 128]

You are not being selfish nor a bad friend. You have good reasons for not spilling the Beans to her it sounds like. She will see your success after the surgery and it will be more difficult to keep the secret but you will find that the TRUTH will be "I'm working hard at this" and that will suffice.

[agreen67 47]

You are not a bad friend! I did the same thing. Only close family and a few friends know about my WLS - people who I knew would support my decision and/or friends that had the surgery themselves and know what I'm going through. I'm six weeks post-op and have lost almost 30 pounds now, so not a lot of work people have noticed since they see me every day.

The reason being is that I spoke to a couple close friends when I was researching surgery (about a year ago) and both of them were extremely negative. One told me, "I don't get it. You lost about 35 pounds on that one diet you went on.. why don't you do that diet again?" and the other told me that if the nutritionist puts you on an eating plan six months before surgery and you lose weight, just keep doing that same diet. Funny thing is that both of these "friends" are about 50-100 pounds overweight themselves and know the struggle.

Like KarenLoh said, maybe once you have your surgery and your friends see your positive results, it will open the door to a positive conversation about WLS. Good luck and don't beat yourself up over it!

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I would wait until after the surgery, then no one can talk you out of getting it done. They can only watch as you get healthier.

Bariatric surgery has a way of exposing the raw nature of our relationships. Once you tell people, you will know by how they treat you how they really feel about you. It is a painful process, but very helpful. In a short time you will know who your true friends are.

[Babbs 14,681]

This is the age of information bombardment. I guarantee your friend knows there's these procedures out there for her if need be.

I totally agree with @@Miss Mac. Wait until after your surgery, and when she sees the changes in you, then you can decide to bring it up to her or not.

Keep us posted on your upcoming surgery!

[Megdelyn 85]

"it's really a personal choice, no one person can do the research for you..it's ultimately up to you."

Yes. This. Exactly.

It's tempting to believe, "If you only knew what I know then you'd make the same choice" but it's simply not true.

It comes down to this: we only make a change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of making the change. Each of us reach that point in our own way, in our own time. Maybe if you share your plans it could affect how your friend looks at her own weight loss. Maybe it won't. If she's being passive about seeking out information then I doubt you would have much influence.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

You don't owe your truth to anyone but yourself. Pre-op I told very few people. I think 5 in total. Post-op it has been on a need to know basis. I'm not shouting it from the roof tops, but I don;t shy away from it either. If it comes up in conversation, I own it, but I don't typically volunteer details about my personal life and this is no different.

[agreen67 47]

"it's really a personal choice, no one person can do the research for you..it's ultimately up to you."

Yes. This. Exactly.

It's tempting to believe, "If you only knew what I know then you'd make the same choice" but it's simply not true.

It comes down to this: we only make a change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of making the change. Each of us reach that point in our own way, in our own time. Maybe if you share your plans it could affect how your friend looks at her own weight loss. Maybe it won't. If she's being passive about seeking out information then I doubt you would have much influence.

I LOVE THIS!!: "we only make a change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of making the change. Each of us reach that point in our own way, in our own time."

[JupiterinVirgo 846]

Of course you are entitled to keep your secret, without feeling guilty. Our bodies are extremely personal space. That said, I would just like to share that I never thought, in a million years, I would have WLS, but then my sister had it. And I saw her succeeding. I saw she was healthier. Happier. I never personally knew anyone who did it, and once I did, that's what made me take the plunge.

[songsmith 334]

It's perfectly fine to keep your surgery to yourself. You are not your friend's keeper. I'm sure she's aware these surgeries exist. Now she's armed with more specific information. The ball is in her court.

You may change your mind after your surgery. If so, you can mention it then. If not, still good. It's your life. You cannot live for someone else. (I still haven't decided whether to tell my only close relative before my surgery or wait until I've lost a significant amount for the very reasons you mentioned.)

[newmebithebypass 713]

I asked my extremely obese friend if he ever would consider wls and left it at that when I told him about my choice because I'm afraid I will lose my friend at the age of 40 due to his weight.

[sleevedup 46]

Thank you all so much for the feedback everyone!!! It really helps:)

[BarrySue 602]

No one is entitled to your private health information or personal decisions. Feel no guilt, tell no one who you wouldn't trust with your life (and even then know something will likely slip). When people know you had surgery, they treat it like an invitation to ask personal questions and frankly make inappropriate or stupid comments that make me want to kill them.

[nieuwevis 294]

Of course you are entitled to keep your secret, without feeling guilty. Our bodies are extremely personal space. That said, I would just like to share that I never thought, in a million years, I would have WLS, but then my sister had it. And I saw her succeeding. I saw she was healthier. Happier. I never personally knew anyone who did it, and once I did, that's what made me take the plunge.

my sister was in the process of rny when she told me about it years ago. i was terrified...my only hospital stay was when my mom was pushing me out lol. but she decided not to do it, and i decided to do it. now, i hope that my success will motivate her like she previously motivated me, but i truly don't force it.

[jess9395 5,449]

While I agree you are not obligated and you're not a bad friend... Let me present another point of view.

I had Never heard of the sleeve until a friend of mine started down the road and shared openly with me. I had decided no bypass for me years before and stopped researching. I had mine three months after she did. A year after I had mine a friend of mine with whom I had been open got hers done (again she had never heard of it before). Six months after she had hers another friend of mine had hers done because I had shared.

Just think about the good you could do if you pay it forward.

Nope you don't have to. Nope you aren't a bad friend if you don't. But I am beyond indebted to the friend who shared with me and I believe the two I shared with fee the same.