trying again

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

The topic title refers to posting on this site wirh my Kindle but applies to the subject too!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I got pretty burned out on meeting guys online...most just not interesting to me. I felt bad, but I was the woman you guys complain about, meet for a coffee or a drink, have a nice chat, but I am not into the second or third date. Like 98percent of the time (ok, I don't keep records but just go along with me here). Not only was I burned out on the waste of time, but I disappointed others who were"into" seeing me again. I decided I needed to just stop. I discussed some things with a counselor I used to see, I thought alot about how I was contributing to this and examined my inner resistance.

One issue for me is just not finding dates attractive. I have tried to "get over it" but that combined with being intellectually uninteresting to me...oh my, do I just give up? Are all the good ones taken? Actually the dating pool does seem to have a high percentage of people with issues, but surely half the problem was my inner resistance. My counselor helped me see this and to help recognize it. I decided I needed to prioritize, to clarify what actually makes a difference to me. Example, I tried dating overweight men (many are overweight in the age 50 crowd) but that didn't work out at all because of lifestyle, preferred food and activities, not because of looks. There are many elements of"attraction" and I needed to adjust my thinking about it.

In the meantime, I went on dates with a couple of men who I met in real life who asked me out one was super attractive the second really nice. I was thinking...this is how I want to meet someone. Well, the charming, handsome one turned out to be a married, lying manipulator. The other one is nice, but is still a roommate with his ex, and just as importantly told me he always avoids conflict...you know by evasion or capitulation. Someone on this forum once advised us to listen for people when they say these things....and I did. I know that I need an authentic person who is at the stage in life ready to be their true selves...well being true to myself I know i don't do well with that personality type. I much prefer direct.

Somehow in all this I met someone else, I actually just dropped in on a different dating website on a wild hair, "S". He is articulate, but not charming, fit and attractive but no interest in dressing well or otherwise making the most of his tall athletic build. Before we met, we exchanged long emails and low and behold,, so far everything has turned out to be genuine. He lives further away and has younger kids than my criteria, but I decided to give it a chance. When we first met, I was taken with his knowledge, wit and hotbod, but in spite of his very articulate, friendly nature, I also sensed a serious nature and perhaps a bit of shyness. He told me right up front that he just didnt seem to be the kind of guy women want (ah, sensitive, online dating is full of arbitrary and capricious rejection). My inner resistance kicked in, mostly because I thought he was pretty amazing compared to the average and I wondered what deep dark secrets were hiding.

Our first actual date was going to a haunted house...I haven't laughed that hard in awhile! Our most recent date was going to an audience participation of"the princess bride" where we engaged in full on sword fights (inflatable swords) and slaughtered ROUS. How fun is that? I find him really growing on me and while it is early days, it is going very well. I am pretty sure we are going target shooting this weekend. He is fitter than I am (I have some issues going on right now) but his motorcycle racing hobby has left him with some lingering issues too so he is quite comfortable with my current rehab and the limits it brings. (Side note I aspire to be able to hike again by spring, in spite of my messed up hip).

This story is just an example of how nice he is. This country bumpkin completely misunderstood a serious of complex signs regarding parking in the city(only in Seattle do you need to diagram out the sentence, with punctuation, to grasp the status of that particular space that particular time of day) and I got a parking ticket. He wanted so badly to pay that ticket for me! I wouldn't let him, but I realized something at that moment...he wanted me to keep going through the effort to see him. He is not a charming sweet talker, but his actions are always around pleasing me, making me feel important to him.

I am not claiming he is"the one" - we still live quite a ways apart and he has half custody of two teens....both kinda a negative BUT I am really happy and comfortable with things so far. It gives me hope that I can find someone fit, my age, actually single and who is genuinely nice and treats me so well. A smarter girl would probably leverage his notion that"women aren't into his type" ,but I have told him repeatedly that whoever he met was nuts and just had no idea how great he really is. He is a self confident person in all other aspects I have seen, and I hope if nothing else our relationship winds up building both of us "up" as it relates to a healthy love life.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

A smarter girl would probably leverage his notion that"women aren't into his type" ,but I have told him repeatedly that whoever he met was nuts and just had no idea how great he really is. He is a self confident person in all other aspects I have seen, and I hope if nothing else our relationship winds up building both of us "up" as it relates to a healthy love life.

This sounds like my guy. He claims guys like him never get the girl. A younger me would have worked that to my advantage, but instead, I tell him how great he is all the time. How special and rare I think he is. I want him to feel appreciated. He might not be "the one" but I have found my unicorn for the time being. He isn't everything I normally like, but everything I normally like hasn't got me what I needed. He is exactly what I need at this time, and a lot of the things I want. Fingers crossed for us both.

Also, at least the kids are teens, sure teens take a lot of time with their activities, but there is a sell by date on them. They aren't toddlers or in elementary school, so the light at the end of the tunnel is real close.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

It sounds like things are going fairly well right now. I think you are right to be cautious, but also right to be hopeful.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Congratulations! It sounds like you have found someone worth getting to know: you enjoy each other's company, he seems mature, and treats you well.

The awful part and the fun part about the process of dating (or so I have heard) is that you get to practice a lot before you need to make any decisions. Just take your time and enjoy the process!

[AvaFern 3,516]

I am glad you have found someone that you are hopeful about continuing to see in the future! Fingers crossed that things continue to go as wonderfully as they seem to be so far.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@OutsideMatchInside timing is everything, isn't it? I think my previous"experiences" help me appreciate "S" alot more. A few weeks ago I was feeling the "flight" instinct kick in. I realized something was triggering some sort of fear of abandonment...or more accurately, the feeling like "this won't work so leave before I get invested" self protection mode. So I asked myself why I felt that way. I realized it was because when we are apart, his communications are very....Well, like an engineer talks...Haha. it made me doubt if he was into me, made me think it was one sided. I never feel that way when we are together so I started paying attention and self reflecting.

It is that more reserved nature, and maybe self doubt on his end? So instead of repsponding self defensively I responded by laying on the kisses and hugs next time we met which clearly delighted him. We are both touchy people, hold hands everywhere we go types so both like that physical affection alot. Anyway, I started to realize that we are on the same page, feeling a bit of a crush, I just wasn't picking it up long distance. Another example when he tried to change plans away from doing something fun, to reduce my driving. He said "I just don't want you to get burned out on driving" and I am doing better at reading those type of clues. Naturally charming people do all sorts of small things to kindle the fire - sometimes completely disingenuous. I would rather be with someone genuine.

BTW, I am one of those naturally flirty people...don't even intend to be that way. When I was obese my big personality and easy smile made me well liked. Now that I am normal sized, and dress attractively it is interpreted a different way at times. My point just is that the way we relate to others is more a communication style, and shouldn't be confused with genuine feelings and intentions.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@OutsideMatchInside timing is everything, isn't it? I think my previous"experiences" help me appreciate "S" alot more. A few weeks ago I was feeling the "flight" instinct kick in. I realized something was triggering some sort of fear of abandonment...or more accurately, the feeling like "this won't work so leave before I get invested" self protection mode. So I asked myself why I felt that way. I realized it was because when we are apart, his communications are very....Well, like an engineer talks...Haha. it made me doubt if he was into me, made me think it was one sided. I never feel that way when we are together so I started paying attention and self reflecting.

It is that more reserved nature, and maybe self doubt on his end? So instead of repsponding self defensively I responded by laying on the kisses and hugs next time we met which clearly delighted him.

This is really a mirror of what has been going on with us. I realize now I have never really dated a real man before, not like this. We had just enough age difference that things between us communication style can be difficult. I had to really fight my urge to break it off just because of my own issues and insecurities. I would rather be the dumper than the dumpee, but I was really far off base. The feelings are mutual, they are just not communicated the same way. So I am learning patience and being humbled.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

It sounds like you have found someone worth getting to know: you enjoy each other's company, he seems mature, and treats you well.

The awful part and the fun part about the process of dating (or so I have heard) is that you get to practice a lot before you need to make any decisions. Just take your time and enjoy the process!

@@CowgirlJane -- Inner Surfer Girl summed it up perfectly. It's fun and exciting to discover new, positive things about a person with each meeting. Mr. "S" is worth exploring further. The statements of "women don't go for me" can slice either way. Clearly his direction isn't the hasty retreat. Keep letting yourself enjoy this. Your public awaits the next installment.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Girl, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I did not find my prince until we both had been thrown away twice. Had we met when we were younger with undeveloped adult personalities, we might not have liked each other. We met on-line and just laid out the truth and presented ourselves "as is".

He accepted my baggage and I accepted his and we plan on walking into the sunset together, hand in hand. If I had rejected him because he smokes, and he had rejected me because of my weight, I would have missed out on the greatest love of my life. We have been together 9 1/2 years now - who woulda thunk it? Take what pleasure you can get out of life. If you have found a man who treats you well, you have found a rare gem. I hope this one works out for you. Hang in there, kiddo.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

What was the dating site you decided to drop in on?

I find no matter which one I go to, it's all the same people. And none of the ones that interest me live closer than an hour away. They all live at least 2 hours away.

I hope things continue to go well. It seems in my life, things always go well in the beginning, but never last.

[newmebithebypass 713]

my hubby and i were both in relationships when we met and we remained friendly then the stars kind of like magically aligned and we have been together ever since i had broken off an engagement previously that year and was devistated but my guy is amazing and i am so lucky to have him