No Sex? WTF

[glitter eyes 1,398]

@bayougirlmrsc. I haven't respond to your post until now, but I have been thinking of you often. You have gotten some good advice here. I don't have much to add since I have never been in your shoes. But here is what I do know...

We only get one life and I believe that we all deserve to live it happy!! You are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer and it sounds like your marriage isn't giving you any happiness. Lack of physical intimacy and mental intimacy should not be present in a happy marriage. Please do what you can to have a happy life; whether it's therapy to help repair your broken marriage or ditching that loser. We are all rooting for you.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

@@glitter eyes thank you... i appreciate your kind words..... It's a matter of pulling the trigger

[ShadowCub67 20]

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.

If I read what the OP said correctly....

At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.

At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.

When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.

Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.

If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.

IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.

But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.

My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.

What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.

And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.

You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.

I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.

You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@ShadowCub67 - "My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both."

That is dead on right. I would only add some financial adviser. While no fault states make divorce possible, it in no way makes it easy, especially if one of the parties is dragging their heals. But if you do file, please be strategic about it. Here are some of the mistakes my ex made in no particular order:

• She let the house go...didn't want to help with maintenance etc. What that did was lower the value of the home during the appraisal and that took money out of her pocket.
• Filed at the worst time financially, if she had held on for another month she would have been entitled to nearly $100,000 more. But our state laws require assets to be divided on the day the petition for divorce was filed, not when it is finalized.
• She could have called the creditors to find out what they would settle for if payment was made to close out the account. This would have lowered the debt to asset ratio and again would have given her more money.
• She never understood that our county has a clear precedent on restorative alimony. Know what it is in your state.
• Make sure you file and have your finances in order as close to the first of the year or the end, so you don't depend on them for signatures and help with the final joint tax year. (HINT - change your withholding to single in advance of the first non-joint tax year. It will really affect your taxes.)

There is another option, and that is to negotiate an "open marriage" if you think there are other benefits to the relationship. Take a long hard look at the singles forums on this site. It's harder than you think to find a new mate.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

Excellent advice. Would a lawyer be able to

Help me?

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

Excellent advice. Would a lawyer be able to

Help me?

At the very least, a lawyer would be able to give you a clear picture of where you stand and what your rights are. I was a stay at home mom for 25 yrs. When he had his first affair, I consulted an attorney. Finding out what kind of settlement I could expect was empowering and gave me enough peace of mind to stay and try to work things out. Seven years later when he was still screwing around, I finally left. At that time, there was only one child left at home, and I knew I would get support for her and alimony for at least 8 yrs (I negotiated it to 10).

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Absolutely! A lawyer will / can help you. And you should seek advice BEFORE announcing to your spouse your intention to divorce (if that is indeed your intention).

As @@OKCPirate and others have said, you can make a lot of financial and other mistakes during divorce due to ignorance about your rights, how the timing of your actions can affect outcomes, ALL your options, and how your options compare with each other.

The feelings that accompany the realization you shouldn't be with someone who's destructive for you are understandable and are screaming to be communicated. However, in a potential divorce situation you should understand a lot better than you probably do right now how divorce will affect your future life before you release those feelings in a "F**K you and the horse you rode in on" kind of emotional release.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Don't go before you know.

Look before you leap.

All those aphorisms ^^^ apply to you right now.

[Tssiemer1 549]

I always say "fück you and the horse you rode in on"!!!!!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@bayougirlmrsc Yes a GOOD lawyer will help. I was blessed by knowing some good family law attorneys and I knew which attorneys were "fee churners" or were only interested in prolonging conflict to justify their own retainer and who wanted to help me get through this difficult process with the fewest legal problems as possible. The court isn't where you go to get therapy for past wrongs, it's where property is divided (don't forget the value of pensions).

I mentioned the mistakes my ex-wife made because I have seen other women make similar mistakes because they were angry. I was really depressed when I saw the looming divorce, but I planned for the divorce a year before she filed. I had an attorney ready, I knew what accounts to close, and had new accounts at another bank and new email addresses set up. If I was going to do it now, I'd also learn how to block certain people from social media sites because I might post something out of spite that I would not want my ex to see.

At this point, I think the visit to the attorney will be empowering. You don't have to pull the trigger, but you need to have an idea of what this will do to your financial life if you do choose to divorce. The cost may be too high, or give impetus for you to discuss root problems. If you know the bottom line realities and deal with your financial future fears and understand the process you can get a handle on the bigger problems.

[drmeow 323]

. The sex (or lack of it) is a symptom of a much larger set of issues.

+1

I thought this on reading the very first post in this thread. You (OP) just slid right by the part about him probably having an affair! I was in an emotionally abusive, controlling marriage for over 22 years, and although I was never happy, I didn't realize how miserable I really was until we stopped having sex completely. All that time I had allowed sex to be the barometer of our marriage, and accepted that intimacy as if it were enough. I ignored the lack of affection and concern from STBX (soon to be ex) for 20 years and ate to fill the loneliness and anger. Luckily I got my own counseling (when STBX refused to participate with me) and found the strength to leave him, *before* deciding to have surgery.

You've made it clear to your husband that you love him, want to do counseling to save your marriage. You've done all you can - it's up to him to at least make an effort. You might want to read http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656  /ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1450031393&sr=8-3&keywords=lundy+bancroft

This has nothing to do with your WLS, except that before it, you probably did not have enough confidence to treat yourself well, and now you do.

Good luck.

[drmeow 323]

@@winklie I live in a no-fault divorce state - you don't even have to have the other person's agreement (which is why it makes me crazy when movies use the "he won't sign the papers" line). I forget sometimes that it's different in other states.

Even in no-fault states, there can be different ways to go about divorce. My state is no-fault but requires a full year separation before filing, unless one spouse commits adultery (and either admits it or is proven). In that case you can file right away.

Seeing a lawyer early on is the best course of action, even if you aren't quite ready to pull the plug. In my case, I had stopped working about 5 years prior, due to husband's new job requiring a lot of travel, and homeschooling our 3 kids. The lawyer let me know that homeschooling would not be looked at by a judge as a reason for staying home and having spousal support, when I had a good career in the past. So I found a job that would let me work afternoon-evenings, hired a college student to come over a few hours in the evening, and saved money for about 8 months before I broke the news to him.

[Emilie.Lancaster 189]

I know what you mean. I lost a ton of weight years ago - felt more comfortable in my own skin, approached my "prime" turned to my husband then and said - how you like the new body? He said, I don't want to be disingenuous - and would not say he liked it. Yeah, another nail in the coffin.

When I lost the weight - I was told I was too thin by some of my male friends - and that may be the crux. Some men like women of a certain type. My ex is dating a girl that looks just like me 15 years ago. It's a real thing.

But Bariatric Divorce is a real thing, too. There are tons of articles about it. Like this one about divorce rates skyrocketing after surgery - http://www.healthcentral.com/obesity/c/276918/148486/soar-necessarily/

I can't say what you should do, but you did make this choice to change you, and change has ripples. Whether he feels he can't compare, or if you have changed in more ways that you think, or he can't handle how other people look at you and make comments about your new hottness, or whatever, there you are. I hope this works out for you.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Emilie.Lancaster - Some people are much more secure when they have a fat mate. Mainly because they are less likely to have opportunities to trade up because of the weight. Weight-loss changes the power dynamic of a relationship as much as a job loss or promotion.

[KeepCalm 223]

@@Emilie.Lancaster - Some people are much more secure when they have a fat mate. Mainly because they are less likely to have opportunities to trade up because of the weight. Weight-loss changes the power dynamic of a relationship as much as a job loss or promotion.

I'm trying to work out where my roommate fits into all this. He has sex with a lot of 'heavy' girls - his girlfriends though tend to be normal weight - not excessively skinny - and then there is me... I'm overweight and while he doesn't mind introducing me to his friends as a friend - we don't go out in public and hang out because he has 'issues' with people thinking we are a couple when we're not.

I've just learned to accept that he's shallow about who he goes out with... he wants the 'hot' chic on his arm. I'm just not sure how I'm going to react or how he's going to act after I lose weight...

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@ - If he starts wanting you on his arm as a lighter "hot girl" based on what many of the women on this site have said, you will actually resent it. It's an odd paradox, but it goes back to the idea that you are the same person you were, but only heavier and the outer appearance change is superficial and now you feel objectified. Depending on how important the relationship is to you, this is an area you might want to deal with in advance.