No Sex? WTF

[RyansGirl89 67]

@@RyansGirl89 You know i have thought of that. He knows i would do most anything... but its getting to the point of no return. I know i don't have the same feelings... how can i. I really want to leave to get his attention, but im kinda stuck.

We went on a cruise for the weekend on the 13th.... of course he bitched the whole time... but nothing.. we had a very nice room with a balcony... we live in Louisiana... so it departed from NOLA and as we watched the sun go down over the Mississippi... and the Greater new Orleans bridge... he never once touched me or attempted to come near me... i said.. it's cold.. he said... it sure is. i said want to come stand by me.. he said... nahhh im good.

Oh wow well I really think you already know what you need to do and I understand about being stuck so make a plan and start trying to put a little away until you get enough to go and it might take a while but as long as he isn't abusing you, you will be ok! Didn't you say y'all were married for 20 + years? If so, another few months or a year won't hurt! You deserve to be loved and have affection- you really do!

[snickysnack78 131]

I am so sorry this is happening. I am not in the same situation, but its more of the opposite. My relationship with my significant other has changed since I have the surgery. I am the one not giving affection and attention in the relationship. Its not that I don't want to, but he has been nothing but unsupportive since I started this journey and wants to purposely sabotage me. He basically said the other night he likes the fat me, not this new me with more confidence. I am in the mode right now that I am planning my escape, and even mentioned to him that I am not happy, and the only things he talks about it how it will affect him and what he is going through.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. We all go through these changes, but we need to be strong and get through them..with or without our men

[dlappjr 467]

It seems to me that his conversation is turning towards more of an attempt for our approval for you doing something drastic to wake up or otherwise jolt your relationship. You don't need our approval for that. If you are seeking a response that empowers you to act, then I would say this: If you are serious about arriving at a decision of weather to stay and work it out or leave, you need to prepare for the worst case either way. As for the joint account, I would start by having your paycheck deposited into a personal account only you have access to and then transfer money into the joint when needed. If you need to make a move and he has a grip on your account, it will be hard to get away from that without his approval. We only get one side here so I am taking your side by default in this instance. From what you have said in the previous posts, he seems like the type that is cheating on you and while showing no signs of affection or love towards you, he probably won't think twice about making it impossible for you to leave easily. Make sure you look out for you and arrange things in the background before pulling the pin to see if it will end or not. That way you are prepared for either case.

[dlappjr 467]

I am so sorry this is happening. I am not in the same situation, but its more of the opposite. My relationship with my significant other has changed since I have the surgery. I am the one not giving affection and attention in the relationship. Its not that I don't want to, but he has been nothing but unsupportive since I started this journey and wants to purposely sabotage me. He basically said the other night he likes the fat me, not this new me with more confidence. I am in the mode right now that I am planning my escape, and even mentioned to him that I am not happy, and the only things he talks about it how it will affect him and what he is going through.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. We all go through these changes, but we need to be strong and get through them..with or without our men

I think that when it gets to a certain point, you know if you have to leave or not. That said though, I just want to play devils advocate for a second. You may have thought about this or talked about this with others, or maybe not. Our significant others are going through this change too. I can understand them maybe fearing the change in us for reasons such as our added confidence, more attention from the opposite sex, possibly the desire to stray. I think that as long as you have discussions about these things and do a little to try to calm that fear in them, the rest is on them. If they still continue to belittle or sabotage or act other than supportive in anyway, after you have voiced your displeasure and reassured them that you are still in love with them, then you can be sure of their intentions. If after that they still act out, then drop the hammer on them. As much as I try to give the benefit of the doubt, we are in the middle of a life changing thing. The last thing we need is a negative spouse or SO that doesn't want to play nice for fear or jealousy. We lost how many years hiding behind layers of self doubt, embarrassment, the weight of a society that shames people because of their weight or looks. Time to make adjustments in our life. Either they are on board or not. Best of luck to you as well! I hope it works out however is best.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

So you've been married for 25 years to a man who has eroded your self-confidence, cheated on you, belittles you for your accomplishments (yes, your weight loss IS an accomplishment), won't invest either the time or the money to go to counseling, and acted like a butthead on a cruise with you.

25 years means you have a lot invested in your life together. However, there are signs of abuse here. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and in many ways more damaging than physical abuse, if for no other reason than physical abuse we recognize instantly as wrong. Emotional abuse is often so subtle and insidious that it often doesn't get called out for the abuse it is.

Move your paycheck to a personal account and transfer what you need to to your joint account. Get counseling for yourself. You need to know your own mind and protect your own mental health. The sex (or lack of it) is a symptom of a much larger set of issues.

[winklie 518]

I think everyone made great comments. You certainly don't need our approval for your actions. Everyone wants to be wanted and especially in a marriage, there is a need for intimacy, otherwise, you are roommates. You have laid the cards on the table and done everything a reasonable person could be expected to do. Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions, and it sounds like you are at that point. For your own sanity, either accept this as the norm, and get used to it, or cut him loose. From your comments here, I am telling you the first, words out of his mouth if you do decide to leave him will be "I knew this was going to happen".

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Per comments 10, 15, 30, and 35........Why are you still there? Why would you love someone who treats you that way? Life is too short to live with a jerk.

My perspective is as a survivor of a 23 year marriage with a prolific serial cheater and a 10 year marriage with a psycho-**it head who mistook me for a punching bag. Darlin', a one-sided relationship is not fair. You deserve to be happy.

Why did I stay so long????? Because I was in a strict church where the humble wife stayed and prayed and let the husband run rough-shod over her, regardless of the fact that #1 put me at risk for aids, and #2 put me at risk for being the next murdered and missing spouse on the front page. (He kept five loaded guns in the house). I think you already know what you need to do. I wish you the best, and peace of mind going forward.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch I didn't have to look at your profile to tell your from NY... its a lot harder typing then talking and yes i do communicate with him... i tell him how i feel. Now does he hear me.... who the F knows. He knows im a very affectionate person... I love kissing, holding, touching and of course all this mostly leads to sex... I get none of that. That was my point...

I'm able to respond only to what's put before me. It's about language, not typing. Mind-reading is not one of my strong suits. That was my point. New York, yes, if that is what it takes to make you feel better. I really do wish you well.

Edited December 5, 2015 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[kelcified 66]

As far as it being a deal breaker.... im not sure if it is or not just yet. It's more the lack of intimacy on other levels that bothers me. no kissing, no hugging... very little physical contact. Trust when i say, i can handle things on my own.

With the lack of intimacy, it sounds to me like there is something else going on with him that maybe he isn't talking about or is unsure of.

[shayshay1989 22]

Maybe its his own insecurities

[BrandonKea 20]

I think you already know the answer here. He cheated, you more or less caught him, and while he may have wanted that, he's making you feel like garbage until you give him what he wants, which is likely a divorce.

You're getting zero support from this man, and he's treating you like a non-partner.

At least, that's what I'm getting from this side.

[jane13 2,256]

you know what has happened in your heart. I agree with ^ thread from @BrandonKea.

part time job taking pictures? of what....or whom? ex GF?

sorry, had to say it.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

I say you need a better deal..,call it quits.

[M!@ 320]

You know there are lots of good comments and suggestions that I will not repeat. Do something to shock yourself, not him. It sounds like your mind is made up. The actions that you take from this point is up to you. When you go forward whichever the direction, don't let the reason you take action be to get a reaction out of him. Let it be to make you feel good, to surprise yourself, to be able to walk with your head held high saying "yea, I did that".

You have tried to be what he wants you to be and do what he wants you to do or what he says he wants you to do. But shut all of that out, and ask yourself what you would say to your friend if she was going through the exact same thing and was sitting in a chair across from you. Make sure you are standing in a mirror when you answer, so you can hear it from yourself loud and clear. I just got an image of you smirking saying "f*** him"! Just be happy for you.

[MissMac2 18]

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Here is a website with good supporting information.

http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

Here is how I escaped safely: He controlled the finances and insisted that my paycheck go in a joint account. So, I squirreled away my lunch money and extra change from groceries and bills for weeks and kept it locked in my desk at work. I started taking a bigger purse and took single items of clothing to work and put it in a locker. One day it was socks or undies. Another day it was jeans or a blouse. I had several outfits set aside at work.

Since my ex had escalated his verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse and had those weapons in the house, I was advised by a local women's shelter to not leave when he was home. So, one night at midnight, I left early and went to the shelter. (I worked 6pm - 2 am). They helped me find a safe place in the next town to lay low while the restraining order hearing was being processed The sheriff made arrangements for me to go get my things while they made him leave the house.

He thought I had been cleaning out closets and organizing stuff. What I was doing was separating my stuff from his so that I could just grab it and go. I took a couple of co-workers with me and we got my stuff out quickly. The county paid for the divorce since the cause was domestic violence, and then I moved out of the state.

My first morning at the shelter a counselor went with me to the bank and I took out everything except $100. I had previously arranged with my boss to have someone trained to take over my supervisory job when the time came, and I was allowed to pick up my final paycheck at another site.

If you determine that you need to re-invent yourself by moving on, then just be careful. Start eliminating roadblocks. I even had crawled under my desk in my home office to straighten out my computer wires and label them to correspond with the ports on my hard drive tower. Moving my computer was easy. I already had my books boxed up and used the shelves for displaying useless household dust catchers.

Even if you are concerned about making it on your own, you are stronger than you think. Although I left him the house and 90% of what was in it, I left with my dignity and peace of mind. It would be nice if life was beautiful all the time, but it's not. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.