Over 100 pounds down...now questioning my marriage

[kelcified 66]

I was married once before and we were both very overweight. I remember many times I wanted to do better for myself and wanted him to be along the trail with me, but he had no desire to do so. I know that feeling. It is tough.

Bringing up a touchy subject is hard. The best thing is to be honest, make it a safe environment for the discussion (no judging, accusing, yelling, shaming, etc.), and let her talk. If she's not ready, then make your statements, ask your questions, and ask to set up a time for follow up. It may seem like a business transaction, but the follow up is important.

I truly wish you the best.

Here are a few things I learned from my previous marriage that have been tweaked to this situation:

*You most certainly can not change her; she has to want to make changes just as you did and made the decision to have surgery.

*Before you talk with her or bring up the subject, do some searching within yourself first. Why is it that you want her to lose the weight? Be specific. Write things down. Are there things you'd like to do together, but she is unable? Are you concerned for her health and want her to be with you for longer? What is the real issue? Her weight? The way she eats? Does it bother you that, perhaps, she eats differently than you do and you would like to eat that way again?

*Remember why you married her in the first place. You stated you made a mutual agreement before surgery. What was that agreement? Go back to that and ask her what is bothering her. There may be something holding her back (ie: fear, resentment, something about your journey that bothered her).

[Madeleine Renee 77]

Consider therapy. You can go on your own to start so it helps you to cope with her behaviour and then maybe get her to go with you.
Whatever the result, get help for yourself to help you see clearly and maybe to make a decision. Good luck.

[Velocity 40]

Bottomline...she has to make that decision. You need to support her process for reaching it no matter what she chooses. If you can't support that...then I say the marriage has more problems that weight issues. My husband is 56 years old, 6'4", 360 pounds, diabetic, and has had 4 heart attacks in the past 10 years. All of his docs and myself have suggested strongly that he get the bypass. He is scared of the surgery. PERIOD. I don't give him long lists of why it would be good for him. He has a 180 IQ. He's scared, and until he can deal with that...it is what it is. All I say to him is, " look at me". He's very happy that I'm losing and feeling healthy and wants that too. But that doesn't take away the fear. I love him. I support him in any decision he deems right for him. I take care of myself and I don't contribute to his bad eating habits. I love him and when the time is right...he will do what needs to be done. Until then I just love him and treasure him for as long as I can. You know what they say, " You can lead a horse to Water...."

[jstachic 61]

When I reached 160 lbs everyone noticed, this was not my goal weight because I didnt have one jst wanted to feel healthy. My husband is also tall so he is able to put on a few pounds and I look at him the same way I always have. well I have gained back 30 Lbs ,have I noticed yes, my husband does the food shopping and makes it very diffacult for me to not indulge. He also has a habbit of telling me I have to eat when Im not hungry. He really truly did support my dission to have sugery but I think he forgets. He said he hadent noticed i gaind any weight back when I told him and fired him from food shopping. Maybe you should do the same a fire her from the food shopping . I did also feel that my husband didnt mind me gaing weight so he didnt feel threatend by others, but thst just my insecurities . good luck to you

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Just curious, has your wife put forward any effort lose weight ?? Has she tried with no or little success ? Or has she not tried at all, despite your "mutual agreement " to get healthy ? I looked at your profile, no age listed, so I cant guess how old she is. The reason im asking is sometimes when metabolism slows due to age ( especially in women, often after age 30, look up "peri -menopause " ) it just becomes near impossible to lose weight at all !! Which is precisely why I had WLS !! One year of Weight Watchers and I lost 12 lbs. Thats it. No more. I you can , get her to have her thyroid checked, hormones too. My tests all came back normal (twice!) but I still couldn't lose weight and I was hungry ALL the time !! I know suspect a endocrine problem, we shall see after January when I plan on visiting a naturopath Dr. to help me with menopausal symptoms, etc. Good luck to you and her too !!!

[Zzzombrie 86]

But is it really just about her weight?

I feel like I'm in a similar situation though not married, thank goodness.

Been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He's seen me up and down (I've known him for over 10y) but for most of this relationship I was from 200-250. Now I'm near 150 almost a year after surgery and feeling great. He's been struggling with his weight for a while too but to a much lesser degree imo. I was 100# overweight; worst he's been is 50# overweight. I was also dealing with BED before surgery and a stunted metabolism from narcolepsy. He's healthy.

Instead of eating healthier and exercising more with me over the past year, he's seen how I lost weight from surgery and has been trying to gain as much weight as possible to qualify for surgery himself the past few months. He wants insurance to pay for it whereas I self-paid in Mexico.

His extra 40#s didn't bother me before he decided to plump himself up, but now I can't stand the sight of him and I find his intentions to get surgery deplorable because it was a struggle for me from day one of trying to decide to resort to WLS. Even at his level of 70lbs overweight, I was still trying to lose weight the natural way.

I'm so close to breaking up with him because I think he is a con man, has no ambition, and his personality lately has made him very unattractive to me.

Also we haven't had sex in a long time which was an issue before surgery and something that I blamed on my weight but is still an issue so I don't blame myself anymore. I blame him.

So is it really about her weight or is it a deeper issue of character? You need to decide that because if it's a character flaw, nothing will change from her losing weight.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Zzzombrie

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

^^^ That's a lot of "blame" and "character flaw" talk there.

[Zzzombrie 86]

^^^ That's a lot of "blame" and "character flaw" talk there.

OK, replace "blame" with "failure of responsibility", and "character flaw " with "incompatible personality traits" if that'll make you more comfortable deary, jeez. You're missing the big picture by being caught up on a few words.

My point is that I doubt this man is making a decision about his marriage purely on looks. It's a surface issue to a likely more delicate situation.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Zzzombrie

[Zzzombrie 86]

It's possible she is creating a self fulfilling prophesy. She may have though that once you started to lose weight, the marriage would go south. In order to make sure she controls that, she may be sabotaging her weight loss... I may be totally wrong on this but I can even hear her in her head thinking 'well, he was going to leave me anyway. Why should I do what he wants me to do?'.

Seriously...this is a major issue and I don't know that you and the wife have the capability to work it out without professional help. I even suspect she doesn't know why she's not complying. If you can't see the issue for what it is, you can't change it.

Good luck. Oh...and no judgement here. I divorced my second husband even though I loved him. He was so f**k-up that I couldn't be with him no matter how much I tried. It was like being pulled down into the Water knowing I was drowning. I had to cut the rope and let him go so I could swim back up to the surface. Weight was not our issue...and it may not be yours either. The weight might be an outside symbol only. OK...sorry..can you tell I've been in therapy?

Well put. Water is usually deeper than it appears. I'm also in therapy and I study Psychology.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

It's possible she is creating a self fulfilling prophesy. She may have though that once you started to lose weight, the marriage would go south. In order to make sure she controls that, she may be sabotaging her weight loss... I may be totally wrong on this but I can even hear her in her head thinking 'well, he was going to leave me anyway. Why should I do what he wants me to do?'.

Seriously...this is a major issue and I don't know that you and the wife have the capability to work it out without professional help. I even suspect she doesn't know why she's not complying. If you can't see the issue for what it is, you can't change it.

Good luck. Oh...and no judgement here. I divorced my second husband even though I loved him. He was so f**k-up that I couldn't be with him no matter how much I tried. It was like being pulled down into the Water knowing I was drowning. I had to cut the rope and let him go so I could swim back up to the surface. Weight was not our issue...and it may not be yours either. The weight might be an outside symbol only. OK...sorry..can you tell I've been in therapy?

Well put. Water is usually deeper than it appears. I'm also in therapy and I study Psychology.

And I have a Ph.D. in psychology. No s**t.

And, naturally, I'm in therapy, too. Again, no s**t.

My point was it's easy to project our own issues / experiences onto others who complain of issues that sound like our own -- but that (given the very little information we have to go on here) may be very different from our own and very different from the relationships in our own lives.

[Zzzombrie 86]

It's possible she is creating a self fulfilling prophesy. She may have though that once you started to lose weight, the marriage would go south. In order to make sure she controls that, she may be sabotaging her weight loss... I may be totally wrong on this but I can even hear her in her head thinking 'well, he was going to leave me anyway. Why should I do what he wants me to do?'.

Seriously...this is a major issue and I don't know that you and the wife have the capability to work it out without professional help. I even suspect she doesn't know why she's not complying. If you can't see the issue for what it is, you can't change it.

Good luck. Oh...and no judgement here. I divorced my second husband even though I loved him. He was so f**k-up that I couldn't be with him no matter how much I tried. It was like being pulled down into the Water knowing I was drowning. I had to cut the rope and let him go so I could swim back up to the surface. Weight was not our issue...and it may not be yours either. The weight might be an outside symbol only. OK...sorry..can you tell I've been in therapy?

Well put. Water is usually deeper than it appears. I'm also in therapy and I study Psychology.

And I have a Ph.D. in psychology. No s**t.

And, naturally, I'm in therapy, too. Again, no s**t.

My point was it's easy to project our own issues / experiences onto others who complain of issues that sound like our own -- but that (given the very little information we have to go on here) may be very different from our own and very different from the relationships in our own lives.

Isn't that why we share each other's life experiences? To find that common ground so that we can better navigate our lives through vicarious learning?

As for your degree brags, good for you but it doesn't explain much. I thought this was a safe place, but you've shown me otherwise so I'm outta here.

Good luck with your dilemma OP. I hope you can figure things out amicably with your wife.