Over 100 pounds down...now questioning my marriage

[daveintx 103]

Marriage is a sacrifice, but not a total concession of your own individual life. The stories of the unsupportive spouse are plentiful on this site, but I think this is pretty novel. So, all I'll ask is, would you be okay if she had had surgery and you continued to have reservations and she started to have doubts about you because you were not running for the surgery? If there is a backstory to this, such as that you are interested in somebody else or that you are simply no longer in love, I understand that as well as the fact that you'd rather not talk about it here.

I hesitate to think that following somebody down the same medical path is part of any tacit or openly acknowledged agreement within the marriage contract. You don't want to cajole her down this path without examining whether it is even the right thing for her. You are an item, but you may be two very different people. It was clearly a great move for you (I am looking at your numbers), but it could be a physical and mental disaster for her, not to mention a huge emotional investment into something that will not benefit her because of her mindset.

Not asking for to run and get surgery. It is an individuals own decision to do so and I do not personally think she should get surgery. I know I took a drastic measure to obtain a healthier lifestyle due to my morbid obesity, but I just think support by wanting the same, as we have always spoke of and acknowledged each other on, would be greatness.

To be CLEAR...wanting the same is wanting a healthier lifestyle...not the surgery..lol

[daveintx 103]

yeah. I guess I have a different perspective. My husband loved me when I was 125 lbs - he loved me when my weight ballooned up to 275 lbs and he loves me now that I am slowly loosing the weight. He cares and supports me through every decision I have made - even if he doesn't always agree or understand. Has he always wanted me to be thin and healthy - yeah, for sure - but he never withdrew his love because of it.

I loved him when he was a buff lean healthy man. loved him when he smoked for 20 years and I would have done anything to help him quit. I loved him when he finally quit. I loved him when he became a type 1 diabetic. I loved him when he had pancreatic cancer and nearly died. I loved him through a year of recovery from a whipple procedure. I loved him when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I loved him through all his chemo treatments - and still love him today - just as I did when I met him 41 years ago.

I know that a lot of things can cause a marriage to fall apart. I can tell you in no uncertain terms if there was abuse I would not tolerate it - but in my marriage vows I made a commitment 'to have and to hold till death do us part' Things aren't always perfect or easy.....sometimes it takes courage and understanding and just plain love to see it through.

Great response and believe me, I am giving it my all. Just seem to doubt myself at times as everything takes work...including relationships! Just hard when it seems the work is not "working". Probably a phase...most likely will pass.

[Nurse_Lenora 903]

Not to be rude but she loved you no matter your weight but you can not do the same??

Sounds pretty selfish to me....

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

yeah. I guess I have a different perspective. My husband loved me when I was 125 lbs - he loved me when my weight ballooned up to 275 lbs and he loves me now that I am slowly loosing the weight. He cares and supports me through every decision I have made - even if he doesn't always agree or understand. Has he always wanted me to be thin and healthy - yeah, for sure - but he never withdrew his love because of it.

I loved him when he was a buff lean healthy man. loved him when he smoked for 20 years and I would have done anything to help him quit. I loved him when he finally quit. I loved him when he became a type 1 diabetic. I loved him when he had pancreatic cancer and nearly died. I loved him through a year of recovery from a whipple procedure. I loved him when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I loved him through all his chemo treatments - and still love him today - just as I did when I met him 41 years ago.

I know that a lot of things can cause a marriage to fall apart. I can tell you in no uncertain terms if there was abuse I would not tolerate it - but in my marriage vows I made a commitment 'to have and to hold till death do us part' Things aren't always perfect or easy.....sometimes it takes courage and understanding and just plain love to see it through.

Some people just don't love themselves. No matter what you say or do, no matter how much you love them. nothing will change till they change themselves. My husband ate his way to a stroke despite all the warnings I, friends, relatives and his Drs gave him. No pleading begging etc would change how he ate. Just denied it would hurt him. Obviously your wife isn't ready to change. I know it is very hard when you are working so hard to care for yourself. Good luck.

Thank you for posting these. I've been struggling with watching my husband eat himself to death despite warnings from multiple doctors. We share a primary doctor who told me my husband would be dead within ten years if he didn't change drastically. He has diabetes, chronic kidney disease, chronic pancreatitis and gout. So I'll be a widow by the time I'm 40 years old. I've somewhat accepted that sad reality. What I haven't accepted is the in-between. I am in no way, shape or form a caretaker. I don't want to see or experience how diabetes slowly kills. When he has to have his limbs removed or go to dialysis I don't see myself being able to emotionally handle it.

We tried counseling. It didn't get very far. I've stopped trying to discuss the subject because it is a very sensitive one and he gets very angry and defensive if I bring it up. I'm a planner, always thinking and planning for what is ahead. He very much lives in the moment. I feel all I can do is keep praying and trying to set an example and be there when he finally reaches the conclusion he needs to. Or he will stay on the same path and I can only hope he doesn't suffer too long.

[dhrguru 1,238]

I'm curious-- what was this mutual agreement that you made before surgery??

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.

Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

My spouses habits didn't cause me to maintain a weight of over 300#'s for years... my own habits, or lack thereof did. I would never ever put any amount of this on my spouses shoulders. I control every bite that I take and move that I make.

We agreed to get healthy together and support one another. Maybe my post is a bit vague but I do love my wife. I do not however feel the same love coming in return as I am seeing her harm herself, I can however take accountability for what I do but if I am not getting her support and her taking accountability for her actions, how am I supposed to enjoy a healthy lifestyle with my spouse?

Got it- That's a tough agreement to deliver on, especially if one isn't mentally prepared. You probably had requirements to fulfill pre-op... psych eval, support group, even reading/posting to this forum. What preparation has she done? Surgery put you in a place that kind of forced you to deliver on your end of the bargain. But the only thing that rally changed for her is you and your perspective. Something has gotta to change in her head, it just hasn't clicked yet.

I'm one that does believe that love has hills and valleys, sounds lie your love for her is in a valley. And it seems like its going to be lots of painful conversations to work through it- if that's what you want to do.

And FYI-- I'm in the same situation, (not the agreement part). I've lost a lot, spouse is still making unhealthy choices, gets no exercise and is developing co-morbidities. I love him- he frustrates me- but I'm trying to be as patient with him as he has been with me,

[smcbee79 40]

@@Nurse_Lenora I agree! This is in no means to be bashing you for your feelings Dave but you need to consider hers too. Actually we all need to consider how our spouses feel. It is not just us going through changes but they are going through them too. They are watching us change our lives and possibly wonder where they may fit in. I no my husband thinks that and he is healthy. He loved me as the fat person and I believe he will love me as the leaner one. Instead of questioning your marriage I would try to understand your wife first. As you see I said understand not question because it could come off not sounding so good.

[melps 26]

Yep. I am thinking she feels threatened. Like you don't love her for her.

[daveintx 103]

Yep. I am thinking she feels threatened. Like you don't love her for her.

Then I shall try and prove it!!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I guess none of us really have a good answer. I would say that losing alot of weight fast triggers alot of strong emotions. Ending a marriage is forever so I'd want to be really sure...not that it is weight loss related euphoria making you reevaluate your whole life!

[dafurrer 11]

I have lost over 100lbs and now questioning my marriage due to her weight and her not trying to go down the same path.

Could it be that you are getting more attention from the opposite sex and you may be considering that the grass may be more greener on the other side?

If so, whose to say that you will keep off the 100 pounds? Do you have children? I would be very careful, this could be a very dangerous path to go down.

Give her time, she may have an epiphany and may get on board.

[daveintx 103]

I have lost over 100lbs and now questioning my marriage due to her weight and her not trying to go down the same path.

Could it be that you are getting more attention from the opposite sex and you may be considering that the grass may be more greener on the other side?

If so, whose to say that you will keep off the 100 pounds? Do you have children? I would be very careful, this could be a very dangerous path to go down.

Give her time, she may have an epiphany and may get on board.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!

I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.

No I don't have children with her.

After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.

As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

Edited November 23, 2015 by daveintx

[TinyTink 268]

Try couples counseling.

[miiasan 370]

@@daveintx this has been an interesting line of discussion - and I think has done its job of getting you to think through and re-evaluate some pretty serious stuff. When we marry, we take on a partner who goes through our life's journey with us. None of ever really realizes when we marry what we will go through together - yet in the end if we love each other we will make it through. You are right in realizing that you have been prepared for this in many ways that she has not. Breathe in and breathe out. Love is patient, Love is kind..... I pray that the rest of your journey is a smooth one filled with joy of discovery and re-discovery.

[umo 86]

Maybe constantly seeing you happy will trigger something in her to want to get healthy too. It is obvious that keeping to your routine will create parallel lifestyles for both of you. Give her time and see if she will be motivated by your changing lifestyle. Good luck and keep taking care of yourself.

[dafurrer 11]

I have lost over 100lbs and now questioning my marriage due to her weight and her not trying to go down the same path.

Could it be that you are getting more attention from the opposite sex and you may be considering that the grass may be more greener on the other side?

If so, whose to say that you will keep off the 100 pounds? Do you have children? I would be very careful, this could be a very dangerous path to go down.

Give her time, she may have an epiphany and may get on board.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!

I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.

No I don't have children with her.

After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.

As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

I am so happy to hear this. Some people take the easy way out, but it sounds like you have really done your "homework" ! Good for you. Congratulations on your weight loss and wishing you the best with your wife.