Has your Marriage Changed Since Surgery?

[Half of Bri 115]

I have been pretty big since my husband and I began dating about 8 years ago. I've always loved that he loves me just the way I am. He's never really been one for compliments (doesn't often tell me I'm beautiful, etc.). He might give me a pat on the backside every once in awhile but that's pretty much it. My fear is....how will I feel if he starts giving me MORE attention after surgery? I'm afraid that I will get offended knowing he didn't feel that way before, or feel that he wasn't as attracted to me when I was larger.

How did your marriage change after surgery? We have a very healthy marriage and I'm becoming paranoid that our relationship will change! Thoughts?

Edited November 21, 2015 by Half of Bri

[sassyfrass23 525]

I share these same fears. Interested to see the responses. Glad you posted this!

My husband is a lot like yours with the compliments...or the lack there of. He's just really not an emotional fellow all around muchless vocal about feelings.

Edited November 21, 2015 by sassyfrass23

[Cervidae 2,389]

I'm not married, but I have been dating the same person for about 4 years. We met online (playing World of Warcraft, funnily enough XD) and I was TERRIFIED to meet him in person for obvious reasons. He was dating me at my highest weight - over 400 pounds, and I've sort of always wondered, in some deep, dark, self-hating place, if he ever felt like he settled for me, or if he just "puts up with" my body because he loves me. Does he ever feel trapped or like it's worth not being attracted to me because of how much we love each other? I think it's really normal for people who have had to deal with the things we have had to deal with the fear these things. It's not easy, socially speaking, to be fat, especially for women. Intimacy can be like this giant monster we must fight every day. Since losing over a hundred pounds and gaining so much confidence, I've come to realize that this person who loves me and has cared for me through thick and thin (hahahah) would simply not be here if he didn't want to be. And when I lose another hundred pounds, if he starts showing more interest or attraction to me, I think I will be happy instead of hurt or offended, because he could have chosen to leave at any time based on my body, but he never did. A year ago, I would have been hurt and offended at the very thought of him being more attracted to my smaller form. But now I feel that while every version of us is still part of who we are, none of those versions define us as human beings. I don't think he's attracted to me when I'm throwing up, for example, but he still loves me and takes care of me because he wants to. In the end, that is what matters. Your body is just a meat suit that houses your soul, and a person who loves you will love all versions of you equally.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Did my marriage change after WLS ? Yes and no. I was normal sized when we met ( 125 lbs) got married 5 yrs later , (143 lbs) and after our son , my weight slowly went up to 225. (Eeeek!) My hubby loves me through thick and thin, but yes he's much more attracted to me now that im normal weight again. But to me its not just about me looking more attractive, it's also because he sees (and brags !) about my exercise habits, and (fairly) healthy eating. I think im also happier , and that comes from within. So, I think being happier, healthier, stronger and fitter makes a person more attractive than the same person who is unhealthy and unhappy with themselves, no matter what their weight. Just my opinion, but there you have it.

[Mom26 313]

@@Cervidae, so perfectly said. Don't let your mind play games with you. If you know he loves you, he loves you for the person you are - not the body you live in.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

P.S. today we went on a 4.5 mile nature walk in the cold snowy mountains. Not only was the walk a breeze (healthy , stronger body !) but before WLS it took 2 of us to get his wool hunting pants to button over my big tummy. Not a fun pictur, but he still loved me. Today, the same pants, over 2 prs of warm tights , were so big that they slid down on my hips., I looked like a dwarf in the circus ! Who needed a diaper change !! He called me a "hot mama " ..................but was even more impressed that I walked the distance and enjoyed it ! So, if your sweetie loves you now, imagine how much he'll love the new stronger healthier you !!

[Kathy812 794]

My husband and I have been married 10 years. I was a size 16 when we met and when I had the surgery, I was a size 20. I am now a size 10.

We have always had a great marriage. His love language is expressed by taking care of me ( cooking, cleaning & grocery shopping). He is not very romantic. He tries when I complain but he usually reverts back. That has always been a bone of contention in our relationship.

Now, he is more romantic & pays attention to how I look, and I get more compliments. Don't get me wrong, he's far from a romantic, I doubt he ever will be, but he's definitely much better. I have to admit, since I've lost weight, I am also more flirtatious. I'm sure that helps

I suggest having a heart to heart with him & share your fears/concerns before the surgery and have him share how he feels.

[Dub 9,922]

I'm just a little over a month out of surgery.

My wife was a full supporter of me doing it. She's ridden the rollercoaster with me this last year as I went from one specialist to resolve one issue....then onto another for another.

It was getting old and I was feeling old. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. She was getting worn out with the unpredictable nature for me to do anything....plan anything.....hurting all the time.....struggling at work and dead tired on my days off.

All the specialists said the same thing, "Lose big weight young man.....or you'll not live to be an old man".

Well....I'm very relieved that after 5 weeks things are going well. I can see the distant light at the end of the tunnel. My back is doing much better. Knees are coming along but protesting anyway. I'm slowly adding Advil into my diet and it's helping the knees some. Blood pressure is way down and some of the meds are now gone....remaining meds are cut in half dosages. The side effects are going away, thankfully.

I've not bought any new clothes....but the stuff that I'd bought a week or two prior to surgery is no longer fitting.

She's been laughing along with me at the baggy-wear. She keeps telling me to shave off the beard, which I did the night before surgery, but let it grow back. I told her the beard will be here until turkey season comes in/out in the Spring.

I think she's enthused to hear me talking about hunting again. I'm eager, too. Been talking to some buddies about leasing some decent land for next year's deer season and getting in there and working on it this January & February.

It feels good to be getting back to looking ahead at the old hobbies and hopefully being more active with old friends. That's just a small part of it, though......the best thing is that my relationship with her and our son is much better.

I'd become an ill-tempered bastard aching and hurting all the time. Fear of whatever future curveballs were coming had my anxiety high. Not being able to do my job properly wore on me.

Now.....those fears are gone. Optimism has taken their place. I'm no longer the old grumpy guy that only the dogs want to be around.

Marriage is better. Fatherhood is better. Worklife is better. Jettisoning ill-fitting clothes is going to be fun. I'll have to involve her in my future clothes buying at the regular-sized men's stores.

There is absolutely nothing that I regret about this surgery and the weight loss to come. Leaner life will be better.

I'll save a ton of $$$$$$$$ next year since I won't be going to some new doctor every month.

So very grateful.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Our marriage wasn't affected by the surgery but rather by my weight gain. I got to the point where I hated myself so much I never wanted to leave the house and to be honest it affected our intimacy which I know was hard on him. But I'm down 120lbs and can walk more and I want to go out more now. Unfortunately he got used to me behaving like a hermit so now whenever I say I want to do things he doesn't really believe me

I do wish he was more generous with the compliments. Sometimes I really have to beg for them. And one day after hearing him say how good one of our friends looked in a costume she wore for a musical they were both in I had to finally tell him that "I'm working so hard to loose weight, can you not talk about her like that, it really makes things harder for me"

[heather5565 959]

I'm just a little over a month out of surgery.

My wife was a full supporter of me doing it. She's ridden the rollercoaster with me this last year as I went from one specialist to resolve one issue....then onto another for another.

It was getting old and I was feeling old. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. She was getting worn out with the unpredictable nature for me to do anything....plan anything.....hurting all the time.....struggling at work and dead tired on my days off.

All the specialists said the same thing, "Lose big weight young man.....or you'll not live to be an old man".

Well....I'm very relieved that after 5 weeks things are going well. I can see the distant light at the end of the tunnel. My back is doing much better. Knees are coming along but protesting anyway. I'm slowly adding Advil into my diet and it's helping the knees some. Blood pressure is way down and some of the meds are now gone....remaining meds are cut in half dosages. The side effects are going away, thankfully.

I've not bought any new clothes....but the stuff that I'd bought a week or two prior to surgery is no longer fitting.

She's been laughing along with me at the baggy-wear. She keeps telling me to shave off the beard, which I did the night before surgery, but let it grow back. I told her the beard will be here until turkey season comes in/out in the Spring.

I think she's enthused to hear me talking about hunting again. I'm eager, too. Been talking to some buddies about leasing some decent land for next year's deer season and getting in there and working on it this January & February.

It feels good to be getting back to looking ahead at the old hobbies and hopefully being more active with old friends. That's just a small part of it, though......the best thing is that my relationship with her and our son is much better.

I'd become an ill-tempered bastard aching and hurting all the time. Fear of whatever future curveballs were coming had my anxiety high. Not being able to do my job properly wore on me.

Now.....those fears are gone. Optimism has taken their place. I'm no longer the old grumpy guy that only the dogs want to be around.

Marriage is better. Fatherhood is better. Worklife is better. Jettisoning ill-fitting clothes is going to be fun. I'll have to involve her in my future clothes buying at the regular-sized men's stores.

There is absolutely nothing that I regret about this surgery and the weight loss to come. Leaner life will be better.

I'll save a ton of $$$$$$$$ next year since I won't be going to some new doctor every month.

So very grateful.

Way to go, Dub!

I'm having a very emotional day and reading that made me tear up!

Jerk. Haha

love ya!

????

[glitter eyes 1,398]

I met my husband when I weighed 110 pounds. We have been married for 24 years. I weighed 271 when I had my surgery. God bless him he has loved me unconditionally through all my various weights. He never said a negative word and even at my biggest he told me how beautiful I was.

The things that changed in our marriage when I was heavier was our activities. At my heaviest I did not want to do anything that involved something outdoors or physical. My husband always altered our hobbies to accommodate my wishes and limitations (at the time I did not think I had limitations, but in looking back I realize my weight held me down and back). We were boring. A night out involved dinner and a movie. Friends over to the house for dinner, shopping, reading...

Fast forward to now with 120+pounds gone and weighing at 144 I feel fantastic. I am living life to the fullest. I feel like this surgery has given me a second chance. My husband is enjoying all our new hobbies I have us doing. I love experiencing new and adventurous things. Hiking, camping, kayaking, ziplining, paddle boarding....He is right by my side doing them with me.

So I think our marriage didn't get stronger (it was already close and strong), but our marriage has gotten FUN!!! We have so much fun doing different things!!

I get excited looking forward to our next adventure!!

[Stephanie_K 47]

I'm just a little over a month out of surgery.

My wife was a full supporter of me doing it. She's ridden the rollercoaster with me this last year as I went from one specialist to resolve one issue....then onto another for another.

It was getting old and I was feeling old. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. She was getting worn out with the unpredictable nature for me to do anything....plan anything.....hurting all the time.....struggling at work and dead tired on my days off.

All the specialists said the same thing, "Lose big weight young man.....or you'll not live to be an old man".

Well....I'm very relieved that after 5 weeks things are going well. I can see the distant light at the end of the tunnel. My back is doing much better. Knees are coming along but protesting anyway. I'm slowly adding Advil into my diet and it's helping the knees some. Blood pressure is way down and some of the meds are now gone....remaining meds are cut in half dosages. The side effects are going away, thankfully.

I've not bought any new clothes....but the stuff that I'd bought a week or two prior to surgery is no longer fitting.

She's been laughing along with me at the baggy-wear. She keeps telling me to shave off the beard, which I did the night before surgery, but let it grow back. I told her the beard will be here until turkey season comes in/out in the Spring.

I think she's enthused to hear me talking about hunting again. I'm eager, too. Been talking to some buddies about leasing some decent land for next year's deer season and getting in there and working on it this January & February.

It feels good to be getting back to looking ahead at the old hobbies and hopefully being more active with old friends. That's just a small part of it, though......the best thing is that my relationship with her and our son is much better.

I'd become an ill-tempered bastard aching and hurting all the time. Fear of whatever future curveballs were coming had my anxiety high. Not being able to do my job properly wore on me.

Now.....those fears are gone. Optimism has taken their place. I'm no longer the old grumpy guy that only the dogs want to be around.

Marriage is better. Fatherhood is better. Worklife is better. Jettisoning ill-fitting clothes is going to be fun. I'll have to involve her in my future clothes buying at the regular-sized men's stores.

There is absolutely nothing that I regret about this surgery and the weight loss to come. Leaner life will be better.

I'll save a ton of $$$$$$$$ next year since I won't be going to some new doctor every month.

So very grateful.

Almost cried reading this. Way to go. I only hope to be so humble and blessed after my surgery (11/30/15)

[Dub 9,922]

I have been pretty big since my husband and I began dating about 8 years ago. I've always loved that he loves me just the way I am. He's never really been one for compliments (doesn't often tell me I'm beautiful, etc.). He might give me a pat on the backside every once in awhile but that's pretty much it. My fear is....how will I feel if he starts giving me MORE attention after surgery? I'm afraid that I will get offended knowing he didn't feel that way before, or feel that he wasn't as attracted to me when I was larger.

How did your marriage change after surgery? We have a very healthy marriage and I'm becoming paranoid that our relationship will change! Thoughts?

The cool thing about this surgery is that it doesn't only help you change your weight......but it helps you reach a point where you can let go of all sorts of stuff. The biggest "let go" item for me, for example, has been hesitance to be in social environments. I'm not anti-social by any means, however I wish I could have a Harry Potter wand to shrink myself when going places. During my 20's and early 30's things were fine. If I was out somewhere and wearing a t-shirt or polo that had my favorite NCAA or NFL team logo....I'd often be asked when I played for them. Buddies would go nuts because I'd not work the angle at bars to get us free beer & shooters. The last 15 years, though......the weight reached the point where, except for a 3 year health kick-weight training kick, I was simply not comfortable in my own skin.

Now......those feelings are fading. I don't shy away from public situations. I sort of laugh inside thinking to myself, "Well, dude.....you just met some folks that will not recognize you in just a few months when you see them again".

There are other areas of negative thought that simply are now GONE.

It is liberating.

Being able to see things more clearly without the filter of pain and self-doubt is a gift from God.

Please, please, please tap into this new superpower you'll receive from your surgery. Let the doubting thoughts simply slip away....sorta like your

old clothes that are getting loose and baggy. Let the negative stuff just slide off like Water off a duck's back. GONE.

I don't know your husband so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but us guys aren't very complicated. Sometimes when you see a strange look on our faces....it isn't that we are contemplating something deep.....we may just be trying to remember where our favorite old sneakers are.....not unlike a dog thinking of where it left it's bone. Don't overthink anything we say or do. We are simple....not far removed from the knuckle dragging stages or our hunter-gatherer genetic code. We sit around and scratch....and then burst into action......and then pile up on the sofa to scratch some more.

Unburden yourself of the doubts.

Engage in conversation with him. Talk things out. Let him know how you are feeling. We are not mind readers and we have short term memory (that's why we lose our sneakers that were kicked off in some random spot).

Do not give us more credit than we deserve and work up any deep scenarios in your head. You'll go bonkers and then later on be shocked at the low level thoughts that were taking place in our heads....not the deep pondering you may have thought.

One of the benefits of losing weight is losing the negativity. Roll with it.

If you find yourself getting smacked on the butt more often......then roll with that, too. It's all good stuff.

Feel good & be good.

I share these same fears. Interested to see the responses. Glad you posted this!

My husband is a lot like yours with the compliments...or the lack there of. He's just really not an emotional fellow all around muchless vocal about feelings.

Being a member of the male fraternity......I can share a secret or two from the clubhouse.

We need to be taught some things.

In many ways were are much the same as that Labrador Retriever puppy you bring home. House train us and let us know the ground rules and we will enthusiastically carry them out. Some, though, never learn not hump your friend's legs when they come over. Sorry.....you gotta decide if you can live our worst flaws or can they be trained out of us..........

@@Cervidae, so perfectly said. Don't let your mind play games with you. If you know he loves you, he loves you for the person you are - not the body you live in.

Hell yes. Let the mind game thing melt away....right alongside the unwanted weight that is burning off.

Way to go, Dub!

I'm having a very emotional day and reading that made me tear up!

Jerk. Haha

love ya!

????

Those aren't emotions......just the endorphin rush you've been feeling from the killer exercising you've been doing.

I gotta get my arse in gear and follow your lead......get into BEAST-mode really dang soon or I'll wind up looking like the skinny-fat dudes who wear Speedo bathing suits at the beach.....but should NOT.

I do not want to be that guy.

You, on the other hand, are getting into bikini shape and will arrive there well before beach season arrives. I'm grooving on your enthusiasm and loving your zeal for it.

You are the patient my surgeon yearns for. He's been on me to kick it into gear. He'd take you and have commercials made to showcase how it can happen for folks. Wonder Woman forthcoming. He'd have you on all the billboards all over town.

Much respect. I'm buying you a virtual ice cold beer and tipping it your way.

Please send me details of when and where you'll be debuting that beach body. I'll be on that beach, too. The skinny-fat guy with the sombrero on....dark sunglasses and bucket of ice cold Messican cervezas beside my worn out beach chair. I'll be there to sit back and take in the sights. Will NOT be wearing a Speedo, however. Full blown Perve-mode.

[dhrguru 1,238]

I've posted a few rants about my husband since WLS.

Did my marriage change, no. My marriage is the same, my husband is the same. He rarely ever gives compliments, and almost never speaks to or acknowledges my weight loss so far. Though it bugs me, he has been the same person. It would be nice to have a cheerleader in him... But it's just not him.

Have I changed, in small ways. I put my exercise as a priority, so that affects things to as small degree. I'm less motivated to cook a family meal since its rare all of us can/are willing to eat the same thing. I'm more eager for him to work in his weight cause I know how much better he'd feel, but I'm careful to not badger him as he'd never once badgered me.

I know I've changed the dynamic of our relationship, he was the thin one when we met. I was the obese one, but now weigh less then when wet met. I think he always expected to lose the weight first. I wish there were more 'active' together times with us, but we still have fun the ways we're used to.

We Celebrate 15 years married next Monday. We're staying home, In bed for the day; can't think of a better way to spend our anniversary. :-)

[Dub 9,922]

Almost cried reading this. Way to go. I only hope to be so humble and blessed after my surgery (11/30/15)

Thank you. I can assure you that getting the weight off and getting out from under some of the comorbidity issues and gaining CONTROL over yourself is an awesome feeling.

There is nothing you'll not be able to achieve if you put in the effort.

Best wishes for your surgery.....remember to get the best results through kicking things into gear through your exercise. The more you can do, the better. Don't believe for a moment the bullcrap that the industry tells you about exercise not contributing to weight loss. That is a load of bs.

You will burn fat and build muscle in the gym and profit tremendously.

Your effort will be rewarded.

I've posted a few rants about my husband since WLS.

Did my marriage change, no. My marriage is the same, my husband is the same. He rarely ever gives compliments, and almost never speaks to or acknowledges my weight loss so far. Though it bugs me, he has been the same person. It would be nice to have a cheerleader in him... But it's just not him.

Have I changed, in small ways. I put my exercise as a priority, so that affects things to as small degree. I'm less motivated to cook a family meal since its rare all of us can/are willing to eat the same thing. I'm more eager for him to work in his weight cause I know how much better he'd feel, but I'm careful to not badger him as he'd never once badgered me.

I know I've changed the dynamic of our relationship, he was the thin one when we met. I was the obese one, but now weigh less then when wet met. I think he always expected to lose the weight first. I wish there were more 'active' together times with us, but we still have fun the ways we're used to.

We Celebrate 15 years married next Monday. We're staying home, In bed for the day; can't think of a better way to spend our anniversary. :-)

I've read many of your posts and seen how hard you have gone after your body changing.

You didn't just have the surgery and sit around and let it slowly work.

You went out and have done some hardcore workout sessions and really amplified what is taking place.

I suspect it changes your feelings about things, too. Working hard and not seeing that same effort level from him.

That's exactly how it was with my wife and I. 16 years ago she delivered our son. She'd gained weight leading up to the pregnancy and then a great deal during. About a year or so later she became a gymrat. She worked her freaking butt off. It was unreal.

I kept eating pizza and pounding down beer and watching every NFL & NBA game on TV or at sports bars. Piling on the weight.

She was frustrated but knew I'd come around in time.

I really hope your husband is not as stubborn as I was. It took some serious health issues to develop to wake me up and get busy on getting into shape.

Now.....my only regret is not doing so when she did. It would have been so much better to walk that road together and not at different times.

Keep on killing it, though. You are really doing some impressive work.

He'll come around at some point. I pray he does so sooner than I did.