Battling Feelings of Shame

[Jasley 23]

Hi. I'm a 55 year old female New Yorker, who like everyone else here, has fought with my weight throughout my life. I've completed my 6 month weight loss program (during which I pretty much gained weight cos I had the "going to the electric chair" mentality) and my Gastric Bypass is scheduled for November 30th. One of my main issues from the start of this process - which has been years in the making between research, attending seminars and wrestling with the decision - is that I feel such a tremendous amount of shame. I have told only a select few people of my plans mostly because I am ashamed that I have let myself get to the point where I need surgery to lose weight. When I tell someone new it's not with excitement, it's with tears and remorse. I want to feel proud of my decision and excited that I'm taking my life (and my health) back, but I can't get past the regret and shame. Has anyone else felt this way? I really want to lift my attitude but I'm struggling.

[TinyTink 268]

Those are valid feelings but you need to remember that you're doing something to improve your health!! It's likely one of the best decisions you've made in your lifetime. Does your program include counseling? Maybe a few sessions will help you feel better about the situation.

[lorri716 256]

I think you are probably like some of us who left life get in the way and put yourself last. I've done this for the last 24 years while taking care of my kids, my house, my husband, and my job. You need to start understanding that you deserve this. There will be no shame from this step forward. Put your shame behind you and embrace the fact that you are getting the chance to change your life for the better and for you, not anyone else. Good luck to you.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

I agree with @@TinyTink, you may want to seek counseling or at least attend a few support groups. I was a need to know person. Not because I was ashamed, but I am like that pretty much about everything in my life. However if it comes up in conversation I own it. I do so intentionally because I want to remove the stigma that this is the "easy way out" or something I should be ashamed/embarrassed of. However, that's my personality. Even as a fat person I was pretty outgoing. Most times if someone asks how I am losing, I simply say, "a lot of hard work." However today I was having a conversation with a neighbor and she mentioned another neighbor remarked on my weight loss and then said she was considering WLS. I told her I had gotten sleeved, but that wasn't the end. I still have to eat right and exercise and *that's* the hard part. They see me going to the gym nearly every day, so they know I am working hard. My admitting I had surgery felt natural and organic.

I view my WLS as self care. It was time to take care of me and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Jasley 23]

Thank you so much ladies for all your kind words and encouragement. You are ALL absolutely right and I plan on taking the bull by the horns and turn my attitude around. I have an appointment tomorrow with a therapist and I'm going to hit this head on. I think she'll be helpful in my continued weight loss journey after surgery as well.

[mrs kaje 347]

I'm the same way. I don't look at it as taking a positive step and taking charge of my health, I see it as embarrassment at letting myself get so bad that I had to resort to surgery to try to fix it, like an admission that I'm too weak to stop it myself, (and maybe that any harsh judgement by others is justified). I haven't told anyone except my husband, and I don't plan to. I don't even let people see that I'm dieting.

I don't really have many 'feelings' so actually don't really have an issue with this at all - it's just the way I see it. Intellectually I know I'm doing the right thing, medically.

Edited November 17, 2015 by mrs kaje

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

However you think you SHOULD feel, you feel how you feel.

It might be helpful to forgive yourself, even though there is really nothing to forgive. You have done the best you can do to care for yourself. There is nothing wrong with accepting help.

I came to WLS kicking and screaming. I was at the end of my rope and KNEW I couldn't lose weight permanently on my own. I was to the point that I figured that the regain after my next diet would have put me over 600 pounds.

So, I gave up.

Fortunately, I was blessed with an awesome surgeon who helped me to understand the disease of obesity for the first time in my life. He helped me to truly understand that because of the disease and our modern world of abundant food it was almost inevitable to need help.

Obesity is a disease not a moral failing or character flaw.

How you feel is understandable, but, hopefully through this process you will learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are.

As other's have mentioned, this process is as much an emotional and mental journey as it is physical. You may want to consider finding a good counselor or therapist, a bariatric support group, and/or a self-help group or 12-step group like OA.

I wish you all the best and hope you will come to realize how strong you really are.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

#1

Hi. I'm a 55 year old female New Yorker, who like everyone else here, has fought with my weight throughout my life. I've completed my 6 month weight loss program (during which I pretty much gained weight cos I had the "going to the electric chair" mentality) and my Gastric Bypass is scheduled for November 30th. One of my main issues from the start of this process - which has been years in the making between research, attending seminars and wrestling with the decision - is that I feel such a tremendous amount of shame. I have told only a select few people of my plans mostly because I am ashamed that I have let myself get to the point where I need surgery to lose weight. When I tell someone new it's not with excitement, it's with tears and remorse. I want to feel proud of my decision and excited that I'm taking my life (and my health) back, but I can't get past the regret and shame. Has anyone else felt this way? I really want to lift my attitude but I'm struggling.

Come on my fellow New Yorker!Get those fighting chops you have and you will come out brilliantly!:-)You are no failure...you live and thrive in one of the toughest city in the world.You are not to make it public knowledge that you are getting WLS unless you want to.You are already a winner.You will be fine...best of luck and keep us posted.Failure is not an option:-)

[Jasley 23]

@Pinkgirl123 - You are 100% right. I AM a tough New Yorker - problem is - I'm usually toughest on myself. I need to aim it outwards vs. inwards!

@InnerSurferGirl - You make a solid point. Obesity and overeating is a disease and I'm doing what I need to do wipe it out of my life.

@MrsKaje - I'm sorry you are struggling with the same embarrassment. Maybe we can both learn a little something from these other ladies.

Good luck to me and to all of you

[My1way 20]

Jasley, I was so looking for someone like you! From the beginning, I decided that I did not want to tell anyone. I was proud of my choice and knew it would be my answer, but I was too embarrassed to admit I did not have the desire to complete the weight loss process without help. I needed that "rope", the tool, to hang on to and keep me moving. I haven't told anyone and don't plan to tell anyone. It is my choice, both the weight loss and the telling. The funny thing is that I had the surgery on September 11, 2015, I have lost 30 pounds, but no one has noticed! Maybe I really am invisible

Like everyone, I had all the uncomfortable stuff right after surgery, but it is all gone now and I am so happy. I plan to tell someone, if they ever notice, that I am working hard at weight loss, which is true.

[hildaruiz29 16]

Remember obesity comes with guilt and be ashamed. Don't worry our body is like a work in progress, nobody is perfect.

Let's do an example if you have a recurrent headache pain you can take pills, and diet to help with the pain. As it gets worse you will need the dr opinions and extra labs, X-rays or MRI to check on you because you cant manage it alone.

Don't be ashamed, feels proud that you identified that you need help and you have available another tool to help you.

I didn't tell anybody too because I didn't want any opinion to affect my decision.

Once I got the surgery I told my close friends.

Stay positive you have to do focus in getting better not in what others people think

[sassyfrass23 525]

I'm in a similar place as you. Granted- I am tickled pink at the possibility of WLS (all in the hands of insurance at this point unfortunately). But I too have felt these feelings of shame. I thought if anything, I'd be more ashamed of the actual surgery. However...I'm more saddened at the fact that I couldn't achieve my goal on my own. With that being said, I am going to take full advantage of this opportunity to better my quality of life. I finally admitted out loud today that I DESERVE this. My life is dependent on it and no matter how bothersome the idea of relying on surgery is, I am willing to do whatever I can to get my life back. And that...that outweighs any feelings of shame, doubt or fear.

You've got this! You expect more of yourself and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes we have to admit that we just can't do it on our own and we have no choice but to ask for help. Keep that head up!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Let me tell you the downside to shame... it can block your willingness to seek help. I had alot of shame about my failure as a lapband patient (2001 - 2011) and it didn't help that I was so ashamed that I didn't seek and find the help I needed.

When i revised to the sleeve I was educated on the disease process of obesity and how to "fix it". I am maintaining fine now, but if I start regaining. ..no shame...I will seek help.

[WannabeH 114]

Dear Jasley, please don't feel shame. I'm 46 and I've been on a life long merry-go-round of diets and feeling bad because I couldn't control my weight.

I have finally come to terms this is something I need help with. Most of us have challenges in life and this is ours.

Since I made the decision to do the surgery I have felt the burden lift from my shoulders.

I'm seeing a team of health professionals before the surgery and I'm loving their guidance and for me it's a relief that I no longer have to deal with this problem on my own.

I too at this stage have only told my closest family members. When I'm ready I'm sure I will tell others, but for the moment I just want to concentrate on me (for once) and to make sure I am successful; and then deal with any negativity from toxic people when I'm good and ready.