The fear of regain is REAL!

[perforce 243]

@@perforce My cousin has only lost 30 lbs in 1 1/2 years time. She truly never tried. My other cousin had GB and lost 80 lbs but put 70 back on. My aunt lost the most, she lost 90 lbs but has since put it all back on plus some. My mom said she would go to buffets shorty after surgery and eat until she hurt...literally hurt. Now, I do have another aunt who had GB 10+ years ago and she's thin and has managed to keep it all off all these years. I look to her for my inspiration. She doesn't deny herself anything but if it's sweets she allows herself 2-3 bites and that's it.

Interesting, does your aunt get the same comments from them about lucky/easy it was for her?

[Elode 8,093]

I've also decided that I'm not going to tell anyone but my closest friends and you guys when I have plastics. I don't want to hear anyone's opinions about that either! I will just keep them guessing!

[Elode 8,093]

@@perforce She's an aunt on the other side of my family so no.

[Elode 8,093]

@@perforce The other girls are on my moms side. I should say that my moms side of the family is BIG! All 10 of them, brothers and sisters are all overweight-obese. There has always been a lot of issues and competition between the women. The men are just fat and happy but the women both my aunts and cousins have always had this weird "thing" going which is ridiculous because they were all big just some a bit less obese than others. Of all my female cousins there were only 3 that were normal size and therefor envied. I am just now normal so I've crossed over to that side. The "skinny bitch" side and I'm not that "skinny". It's a weird dynamic our family has going. Luckily they all live at least 5 hours away so most of our communication is via FB. I have always been one of my aunts "favorite nieces". I even flew her and my cousin to Hawaii for a 2 week vacation when I was working there. I was fat then so it was fun! It's just different now. Almost as if I've abounded them by getting thin.

[perforce 243]

That really sucks, but then you hear again and again how relationships change after surgery. I would imagine their own failures to use the surgeries (I was going to write 'failed surgery', but no, that's not right, they had no complications) are just making it worse for them to deal with, but knowing why doesn't help the situation.

[Elode 8,093]

Truthfully even my mom and my relationship has changed. She is morbidly obese and has been my whole life. She's 5'4 and a good 450-500 lbs. I never realized how much our relationship revolved around food until I had this surgery. My parents live about 40 mins from me and I've seen my mom maybe 3 times since surgery. I realize now that the only time besides holidays that we saw each other was when she drove to town and I would meet her and her friends for lunch. I don't eat out anymore so she stopped asking me. She assumes I can't really eat anyway so I wouldn't want to go. I'm not sure how many times she's been to town but she doesn't ask me. We are planning thanksgiving though. My mom is a big sweetheart. She's always been a kind hearted nurse. A retired PICU RN at that I was hoping and still am that she will have surgery. I know she's happy for me but I think there is a tiny bit of envy there too. She called me and told me her blood pressure is high now and her legs are always killing her. She says she doesn't come to my house because we have 5 steps up our porch and she doesn't think her legs could make it, she's only 64 but her weight is finally catching up to her after all these years of being a "healthy fat person". I knew it would. So when people questioned my decision to have WLS since I wasn't "that big" (sure 267 isn't that big lol) I knew my reasons but I don't have time to explain it all to everyone. It was a personal choice that stems from seeing my mother cope with obesity all these years. Once I started packing on the pounds I got scared. I love my mom and I admire her, I've always wanted to be as good of a nurse as she was, as caring, as good hearted but the one thing I didn't want to be was obese like her. She's proud of me and supported my decision from the start. Every Time I call her she's "starting her Atkins diet again" it breaks my heart because I know it won't last. I wish she would just do this with me.

[jenkbacon 49]

Thank you for posting this! I haven't been on the site in a while because frankly I'd gotten cocky! I've been losing steadily and just stopped tracking or paying attention to what I've been eating. My weight had remained stable down about 78 pounds. I was 100 pounds overweight prior to surgery. I just told my self I didn't need to lose that last 22 pounds. I was fine. I stopped weighing myself and everything! This morning I weighed myself and I was up 5 pounds. Needless to say, it was time to start paying attention! I started tracking again and went to the gym and visited BP again and the first thread I see is this! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you, thank you thank you!!!!! I am NEVER going back!!!

Edited November 15, 2015 by jenkbacon

[Elode 8,093]

@@jenkbacon Wonderful! I'm happy it was here for you in your time of need! It was meant to be it's easy to get comfortable with not doing things. Mine started with tracking every single thing to leaving some thing out because I didn't like the numbers, to just tracking morning and afternoon skipping night when it's the worst, to not tracking anything because I couldn't seem to stay at my normal 800 calories any more and I just didn't want to know. That lasted about two weeks and I've kicked myself in the butt again. I literally talk to myself like a nut and tell myself You are NOT going to do this! You are screwing up and you know It! Get your shit together before you screw up everything you've worked so hard to do! Yeah, I'm a hard ass with myself lol! Well I have to be, I'm stubborn!

[perforce 243]

she's only 64 but her weight is finally catching up to her after all these years of being a "healthy fat person".

This is exactly the reason I want to have surgery now. I have no co-morbidities, but hart problems and diabetes run in my family hugely, and I've noticed the last two years that my knees and feet are giving me a lot of trouble. I'm 32 now, I want to do something while the damage is still reversible.

My mom was not supportive at all at the beginning of this. It was really surprising for a couple of reasons. Firstly, out of the two of them I thought it would be my dad who would disagree with the idea (he, in turn, was hugely supportive and offered to pay? It's a world gone mad! I'm self-paying but I appreciated the offer). Without being mean, my mum is a big lady. She's about the same size as I am, maybe slightly bigger (she's a bit taller than me) and has been for a long time. I though of anyone, she would understand why I wanted this and how hard it is to be the size we are.

Turns out: no.

Mostly I'm puzzled. Why is so against it? She says it's because it's a last resort and I haven't tried everything yet. I disagree, I've tried most things and can't get them to stick. I know how to lose weight, I need help doing it. The size I am makes me miserable and if there is a way to change it why can't I pursue it? I think there may be more going on with her, though whether it's conscious or subconscious I'm not sure. Maybe she sees it in some way as a rejection? Like in some way, because we're both the same size, because I hate being this way I'm therefore judging her in some way by extension? Maybe because she sees feeding us as love and as I'll no longer be able to eat like I am now she sees it as rejection of that love? Maybe she's jealous? Maybe me facing my weight issue is making her uncomfortable because it's making her look at hers? I don't know, there are some many things it could be.

I let the idea marinate with her for a while and then mentioned it again last year when I was going to have the band and she was pretty scathing about it, then refused to talk about it anymore. My surgery fell through (something I'm thankful for now as I would prefer the sleeve).

Funny enough, I was talking to her a few weeks ago and she suddenly says a co-worker's husband had the surgery and he went from 35 stone down to 20 stone (490 to 280 so far) and suddenly she's not against it and her whole problem before was the fact that I wanted to have it done abroad (a lie, and I'm still having it in Europe rather than the UK, but it's not worth ruining tentative progress by telling her she's full of shit, even if she is rewriting history).

Sorry about the novel, but I guess my point is sometimes the fact that we're choosing these paths really scramble people's brains, and I'm not sure they're even acknowledging why int heir own heads, let alone to us.

[Elode 8,093]

@@perforce I agree! Moms are just moms! They want to protect their babies. I knew my mom would be for it because she didn't want me to be like her in that aspect. My father didn't really say anything. There really wasn't anything to say. Once I made up my mind that was it. I freaked a little the day of surgery and questioned it but I'm so incredibly thankful that I went through. It's been a life changer . I'm sure once you're done and your mom sees the new you she will be even more accepting. Sometimes you have to just stop listening to everyone and start doing what you want to do. Only you know what it's like to live in your body. You only get one body in this lifetime so take care of it! I did all kinds of diets and junk that only worked temporary. I watch the nurses at work struggle everyday both men and women. They weigh in the morning, stress about it then at lunch order pizza and stuff candy in their mouths all day and wonder why the next day they haven't lost any weight. I'm serious! I just want to shake the crap out of them! I think man, was I that stupid?! Of course you're not going to have lost any weight, you ate 5,000 calories yesterday!! It's a horrible cycle and I'm so glad I got off that rollercoaster!! These are all the reasons why I don't ever want to go back there!! Just thinking about them suck the life right out of me! No thank you, I'll pass!

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

@@Elode I also have been noticing what other people put into their mouths, and it's disgusting. People eat SO fast!! Shoveling in the food, and no conversation, no relaxation to just enjoy the moment. I am so grateful for this surgery. I am not as young as you are, I am 53, but I feel as young as you. My knees used to hurt, and my feet....OH MY FEET!! No more. I feel so amazing, and I still have a ways to go to hit my goal. The past 6 months since my surgery has flown by, and I get to see my family who criticized me LAST Thanksgiving for even considering WLS. They told me I would DIE. They told me I would FAIL. I'm looking forward to seeing their faces when I am skipping in with my casserole of mashed cauliflower while rocking my size 10 Wrangler 100% cotton jeans (I detest Lycra in my jeans!) and "KC Royals" T-shirt, instead of my size 20W S-T-R-E-T-C-H jeans and A-line tunic in a horrible pattern (but it was all that fit). I am so glad that we have our little community here for support. And I know you won't judge me for rambling.

[Elode 8,093]

@@wannaBthinsoon I would never! I'm so proud of you!!! I was looking forward to your surgery and updates from the beginning! I knew you would be awesome!!! You just had to make it out of the wishing side over to the doing side!! See, and that's why you don't listen to everyone else! You go girl!!!

[Debbieduck4 399]

Elode I bet you feel like responding to those nasty food email pictures that say I bet you want some with "Not really. What I really like is fitting into my skinny jeans and looking amazing. Bet you wish you could have that too!" They are just jealous plain and simple. And.. you know the old saying, Misery loves company. If you go off track, they'll feel better. You look great, are doing great, and have been a great support here on BP this year. Keep it up!

[Joz31 90]

@@Elode and @@wannaBthinsoon

In the grand scheme of things, we aren't that far from each other. We should make a celebratory trip and meet in Columbia MO or somewhere to do a 5K walk or something in honor of all those combined pounds lost

[Kindle 8,667]

@@Elode your post about your mom really touched me. My mom is overweight but not morbidly obese. Regardless, part of my decision to have surgery was based on watching her struggle with her weight all her life. I didn't want to be 72 years old and STILL be on a diet. I love and admire her and she has always expressed the pride and love she has for me. She and my dad were both A little sceptical and concerned when I told them my plans, but they never tried to change my mind (they knew it would have been a waste of time anyways). I explained the findings of all of my research and shared links to the WLS forums I was a member of. They live over 1000 miles from me but I kept them informed of my progress throughout the entire journey. They have been fully supportive of me and are just happy that I am looking at a healthier and probably longer life because of my weight loss.

My mom actually just confessed that she is envious of me and my sister who has always been thin. She hopes she comes back in her next life looking like us. What a weird but nice compliment! Along those same lines, I have a "fat friend" that has not been as successful with her lapband as I have with my sleeve. She, too is admittedly jealous but that does not keep her from cheering on my success and being happy for me. So unlike the experience with your relatives, it IS possible to be mature about your feelings and supportive of your friends. You don't HAVE to cut up others in order to feel better about yourself. Their actions are a reflection of THEIR shortcomings, not yours.

I hope your mom is able to find a way to live a more comfortable life. You say you don't eat out anymore, but if going to a restaurant in order to spend some quality time with your mom is what it takes then I'd try and make it happen. Find some healthy options for both her and you to share. Let her see that WLS did not change who you are. You are just a thinner version of the loving daughter you have always been.

Edited November 15, 2015 by Kindle