well..maybe there is hope for "real life" meeting someone

[MountianGirl 109]

Cowboy Jane-that guy was just a dick. Always has been always will be. Good you were able to weed him out early before you got too invested. You've got great instincts-trust them always.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I never imagined that losing weight would "magically " fix everything in life, but I guess I am surprised how difficult this has been.

I have not been dating as long as you mention and have taken significant breaks so perhaps it just takes longer.

I am so over that married ass... it is just an example of how annoying this process is.

I think what I am starting to wonder, as time goes on, if I really want a deep relationship for the next phase of life. Like- is it really worth it.

And....I don't have a harem dammit. (I don't really want a harem, all too complicated for me, but I couldn't let that remark pass)

@@CowgirlJane - We are roughly the same age, we have both been through similar physical changes. I have dated heavy for three years dated lighter for almost a year (and I think that is when I really sewed my post divorce wild oats)...but found someone three months ago that has so resonated with me that I canceled all my online dating profiles, gotten rid of the harem (the code word for all the women who just enjoyed occasional sex, but didn't want a relationship) and just have focused on THE ONE. This is really exciting. It's worth the effort. I can't describe how wonderful it is when you finally find someone who you really look forward to seeing, and can just enjoy talking about everything...but feel comfortable with them not being in contact because you just know they are busy. It is so dang cool to be with someone who you just want slow kisses to go on forever. It was worth every heart ache, bad date, idiot, liar and mentally unstable person I have run across, because the wrong ones for me made me realize I hit the jackpot. I know the good, the bad and THE ONE. The journey begins.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane "I think what I am starting to wonder, as time goes on, if I really want a deep relationship for the next phase of life. Like- is it really worth it.

And....I don't have a harem dammit. (I don't really want a harem*, all too complicated for me, but I couldn't let that remark pass)"

Can't speak for everyone, but I do not want to live celibate and lonely... women have a much greater social network of support that guys just don't have. Yes dating has been work, but looking at it now, it was also been an opportunity for growth, healing and clarity. For instance I didn't have mental health on my list of things I thought was important until I found a very nice person who I discovered had some very latent mental health issues that needed to be dealt with so we discussed, mutually saw the need that we needed to stop seeing each other. But it was all for good in the long road. And despite all the ups and downs, it was fun, because I chose to make it so. Even the crap is funny now.

*No woman does, that's why only guys have them. Think about who has the power at bar on Saturday night and you realize why.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Ok...not going to believe this one!

In July or August I met a guy at a dance lesson... he struck me as a nice man, pretty much had to force my phone number on him (pretext was he was interested in a horse related info I was to send him). After sharing the info didn't hear from him until he friended me on Facebook a few weeks ago. I just assumed not interested. Well today he called and asked me on a date.

Knock me over with a feather!

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Get back on that horse, right? ????

[JosieK 120]

Hi cowgirl Jane,

I read your thread and can totally relate to you. I was banded in 2007, lost all my weight and then decided to date. I hadn't dated for many years since I didn't like the way I looked overweight.

I had a friend that was doing online dating and was listening to her adventures for awhile.

I didn't go to bars, I just relocated from NYC to Texas and thought I'd try it.

At first I spent time just "stalking" the profiles. Then I did mine. I had a few friends (male and female) look at it for input which helped me a lot.

I used eharmony (thinking what they say about "matching people better than other sites".... It's BS and a waste of time with all the questions back and forth) and Match.com. Match.com was the better service for me.

A few things that I realized:

1. Dating is similar to a job hunt. It's a numbers game. The more I exposed myself, the more experiences I had... The better chance of finding a relationship.

2. There are all sorts of characters. The first guy I met was a self absorbed, body obsessed big-wig surgeon from MD Anderson. I left that date feeling like shit because I knew I felt judged. But... I decided to get back on the horse realizing "his stuff" is not "my stuff"

3. I also used a dating coach by phone ( she was in LA.)

A few tips she gave me that were helpful:

- date with your ears and not your eyes (my history since I was a kid was to go out with a great looking asshole instead of an Ok looking good guy. (After she said this I did date a very interesting, fun, no so good looking guy)

- date a few guys at a time. This helped me not to get too attached to anyone too quickly (one of my habits). And to see what I liked in a man. After all dating at 49 yrs old vs when I was in my 20's... I was a different person.

-no sleeping with any until we had a commitment. Commitment meant anything from being exclusive to each other on up to engaged, etc.

-get a handle on what my likes and dislikes were as I went along. As well as my negotiables and non negotiables in a relationship. This really helped me to not waste time. For instance I love animals, had 4 huge inside dogs at the time. I know if someone says they hate animals or are allergic to dogs... Next....

-lastly have fun with it.

Did I meet liars.....yes

Did I meet boring guys..... Yes

Did I meet guys I liked as friends but didn't think anything other than that was possible....yes

Did guys not like me that I really liked....yes

Did I misread some cues thinking I had great conversations never to hear from them again...yes

The one thing I held onto is something Russell Simmons (founder of Phat Farm and music producer) said, "the only failure is when you stop trying"

I also had to change my mind from "I can't" to "I can" do this. And try to stay positive.

I followed what the dating coach had said about dating a few guys at a time and started having fun. One of them I started liking more than the others and I thought... This may be leading into something.... As I was thinking it.... He called and dumped me as I was getting on a 5 hr. plane ride. Needless to say tears, etc

I was about to give up and a guy contacted me asking me if I'd go out with a country boy. I said yes. (He's actually also the CEO Of a bank (I didn't know this when I agreed. I just thought it would be fun to see what a "country boy" was like since I grew up in NYC.) I found being open to new experiences made it a more fun adventure.

We went out, had a fabulous time. We set up our second date for the next day. Fast forward..... We decided to become exclusive and got married 2 1/2 Yrs later. I didn't intend on getting married at 50 Yrs old. I really only wanted someone to have a relationship with someone to have fun with, go out to dinners etc.

I'm telling you all this because people told me their stories which helped me to keep picking myself up.

As a side note: My friend that got me into online dating would look at every guy that contacted her and find fault just from their profile or first conversations. This was based on her fear of dating. My husband (who was then my new boyfriend) pointed this out to her. We suggested she give this one guy she was picking apart a chance... And they are in a 7 yr relationship.

When I share my story of dating with people, I'm hearing of so many stories of people finding their mates online.

I used online dating but you don't have to. You can find other ways to put yourself out there (like finding a job that I first spoke about)

I know how scary, disappointing, and how it brought up everyone of my insecurities. But... I also know when I work through fears, etc... It can and is very rewarding.

Whatever path in dating you choose, talk to other people on the path or have gone before you on the path for suggestions, etc. And my grandmother used to say, "anything worth having in life is worth working for" for me working through my insecurities, fears was hard but well worth it.

Good luck on your journey. Hope to hear some good stories from you.

JosieK

[mirandagirl 1]

I met someone out dancing...we are going to dinner later this week. I never get asked out, it's a Seattle thing, so this is a good thing to experience!

Hi CowgirlJane,

I know this is an older post. Just joined this site and wanted to say "hi" to a fellow Seattlian

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[Read2016 658]

The married guys know how to treat women but they always give off a vibe that helps you figure out their married...My guess is the other guy sounds very single... The married guy was able to turn on the charm because he knew it would be short lived, easy to act for three hours... Look what's he doing to his wife, shady!!!

Good luck, it's not easy out there

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[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@JosieK I know this was ages ago, but great post, thank you!

@@mirandagirl hi - welcome to bariatric pal!

[gina171 626]

Fascinating post....a lot of wise people here, looking forward to learning from you all!

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